SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Night before last my wife and I are in bed. I woke up at two or 3 o'clock in the morning. She was sort of awake and I started talking about this. I was talking about our fantastic marriage. Our marriage, I have always bragged that in 35 years of marriage we've only been apart four or five nights. I was telling her that we were the rocks of the family, we had the strongest marriage of anyone in our family's, in anyones we know. I said there's no one out there that has a marriage that is better than ours, and that we are the envy of everyone. We just need to get past this rough spot. Now earlier in the day she had told me one thing about some of the stuff she is writing for me. She told me that her sex with him was really rather boring, she said the only thing they did that may not have been missionary style was one time she was on her knees he was behind her and she watched in a mirror. A horrifying visual for me. Well now she tells me that our marriage wasn't perfect, it wasn't flawless, our marriage had problems. And I say what problems? I thought we had a perfect marriage, I thought together we were a team. We were us through thick and thin, whether we live in a mansion or a tent, as long as there was us we would be OK, we could beat anything. I kept asking about what was wrong with our marriage and then she kind of backtracked and said oh I'm sorry I'm sleepy and I don't know what I'm talking about. Her statement about our marriage not being great was harder on me than the visual of him behind her and them watching in the mirror.

You are trying to rig sweep this. Do this at your peril.

You're still trying to hold onto illusions, deal with reality. Illusions are for the silly people who need to gratification of approval from others.

Your wife cheated on you because she made a conscious decision that having sex with her boyfriend was worth the risk of losing you. I hate to be blunt but that is the question that will keep you up at night so you might as well get at (with professional help) answering that question (and many others of course)

One time I had a car that was involved in an accident. I did not feel the same about it and did not want it anymore. It really wasn't hurt all that bad, but it was enough that insurance bought it from me. Once the car was not mine anymore, I looked at it while it was still in my driveway and I purchased it back from the insurance company at a lower price. I had the car fixed and kept it a pretty good while, it was a good car. Maybe I need to get a divorce, to clear it, put this marriage behind me, kill it dead, divorce final. Then maybe we can date a while and possibly get remarried? Would that clear this crap up out of my mind?

You may have missed my last post as it was posted at the same time as your last long post.

You are trying to do this all on your own. You need help to work through this. You should be working with a therapist to deal with this pain.

Find one that specializes with infidelity. You owe it to yourself and your marriage.

Can only say that a lot of people do that. It helps the wayward spouse see the damage that they have done.

One has to wonder when they have been cheated on if any of the relationship was as real as they thought. Does someone cheat if the really love their spouse? How can they? It is totally strange how many people come here and insist they had a wonderful marriage. Well, there is something irreconcilable about that statement.

She said the sex was boring. It's insulting for her to think anyone could believe that. It was many things, exciting, dangerous, new, thrilling, different, scary etc. But the last thing it was was boring. Hopefully, she is trying to make you feel better but it's still BS. She got an operation to look good for him. He may even have encouraged it.

Like the others I doubt you have anything close to the truth. Why did they stop? He was a player. The most likely reason is that he eventually moved on to his next conquest.

What did he get arrested for? When did that happen?

Dude you say stuff like you won't accept one lie. She has been lieing to you for years. She has gas lighted you very severely. She's views your marriage differently than you and then Lies to your face when you question it. When a married woman states that's she not happy or references rough patches, she's stating that she is not with a man she's attracted to or wants to with. and she even kept going when you practically blew it up during the affair. If I was having an affair and my wife was on to me and was talking to the other mans wife... if I loved my wife and wanted to stay married I would shut that shit down fast. You know what would keep me going with that much heat? If I didn't really give a shit about my marriage and felt something strong for my AP and the sex was incredible. Shes tells you lies everyday since dday, just like she did during the affair, just like she has everyday for however many years. If he has single or was prepared to leave his wife your wife would have probably taken him up on it. Whether you stay or not you need to stop letting your love for her project onto reality and you need to see the truth. Personally, for me there is no going back from this, I'd be done.

Jimmy....are you reading any of the responses you're getting here?

Well now she tells me that our marriage wasn't perfect, it wasn't flawless, our marriage had problems.

Your marriage was NO worse than anyone elses. That is blameshifting at its finest. I think you mentioned some women coming into your store shooting pool? More ammo for blameshifting. Your WW saw perceived problems in the marriage, thus an entitlement to cheat. If there were problems in the marriage why didn't she talk to you about them instead of allowing the OM to come into your lives.

You said your wife was a virgin. I think you had your WW so high up on that pedestal that when she fell from grace your having a hard time dealing with the broken pieces.

Your thoughts are racing around in your head at an unsustainable pace. You need to slow that pace down. You can't win a long distance race by going all out. You have to pace yourself. Your WW had a lot of enabling thoughts in her head that lead up to her thinking it was ok to have sex with another man. Your marriage can't be fixed in a day.

Like others have said see a doctor... they can prescribe some meds to help take the edge off of this shitstorm your going through.

Jimmy,

All of your brothers here feel your pain, and know the dark corridors you are walking down. If you see any scuff marks on the floor, they were left by us when we passed that way before you. Do you hear that sound behind you, off in the distance? That's the sound of the people who will be making their first post in this forum next week, next month, next year, all following you and us. But here's the thing: surviving infidelity is a journey. You are at a horrible and painful stage of it, but you will do what we all did. You will keep walking. Step by step, and day by day. And do you know what? We all made it out of infidelity, because we just kept walking. And you will too.

However, you do not have to walk alone. You already have many brothers and sisters here who are walking with you in spirit, every step of the way. But there is more support available for you, people who are just waiting for you to reach out to them. Please, Jimmy, will you do that for you, and for us? We did it, and there is no shame in it. Not reaching out for support is like breaking a leg and continuing to walk on it. Not the right thing to do. IF your leg is broken, you go an see someone who knows about broken legs. If your heart is broken, you go and see someone who knows about that. We did, and so should you.

So please, go and see your doctor and explain your situation to him, and the mental anguish you are feeling. And please get yourself some Individual Counselling. IC has helped many thousands of people here. It can help you, just as it helped us.

As for what you should do next, perhaps a period of separation would help you get your head together. Would it be possible for you to take a couple of weeks and stay with friends somewhere? Is it possible for you to go and stay with your son? More importantly, get yourself along to your physician and see what they recommend.

Maybe I need to get a divorce, to clear it, put this marriage behind me, kill it dead, divorce final. Then maybe we can date a while and possibly get remarried? Would that clear this crap up out of my mind?

Jimmy1962

I think that this is a great idea. I know that I would have a better chance or R if I did this. What it does is have her pay a price for what she did. Then it’s over.

It’s like a sergeant losing a stripe in the army. They screwed up and were busted. Now it has been addressed and you can move on. No reason to rehash everything.

Everyone says that you need to build a new marriage. Well make it official.

What would bother me is if they were in exactly the same position as if nothing happened. Bust her to girl friend. She flunked the wife test.

This is coming from someone with a similar experience. I found out about 25 years after the A. I suspected, like you, and finally confronted when the same OW tried to start it up again. I was devastated, I would have said we had a great marriage. I got IC, went through many stages - anger, sadness, humiliation, guilt, etc.

You didn't do anything wrong. Stop feeling guilty that you were not there to run the predator off.

Your wife made the decision to cheat on you multiple times, it wasn't a little mistake.

Now she is trying to change your M history, saying there were problems. All marriages have issues.

She needs to be remorseful, getting angry when you ask questions and telling you to get over it is not being remorseful.

You may not have the whole truth yet, she has lied to you for years (I do hope I am wrong about this)

You need IC, it really does help. If the first counselor isn't a good fit try another.

Your WW needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and follow the steps.

Both of you need to realize that even though the PA happened years ago, you didn't know for sure until DDay and that is when the clock starts. It takes years to recover.

Good luck.

[This message edited by trustedg at 10:57 AM, August 5th (Saturday)]

I am sorry for you. I feel your pain. And it is devastating. Every BS here knows that pain.

I would just like to clarify a point that you made. You stated that if you were there you would have been able to run the other man off. While we all would like to think that about our spouse and our ability to prevent the affair, please know that your wife made the choice to have the affair.

I seriously doubt there was very much you would have been able to do to prevent it. I hope you can stop feeling guilt for the Affair. If she had the mindset to cheat, plus opportunity, it most likely would have happened anyway. I wish you the best and I hope you consider therapy or counseling for yourself.

I do not feel guilty too much. I do feel some responsibility. If I were there at her side running that store, he would have never made any advances. He would have looked at her and thought "nice ass" then we would have seen me and that would have been the end of it. I was not there. He came in a lot just talking. I finally noticed he was there and I ran him off. I just wish that I noticed earlier.

I do not feel guilty too much. I do feel some responsibility. If I were there at her side running that store, he would have never made any advances.

Jimmy1962

This is insulting to your wife. It puts her on the level of a horse and the OM a horse thief.

A good looking horse does need to be guarded but it’s a dumb animal and bears no responsibility if stolen. Your mistake was trusting your wife. Is that so bad? Is she as dumb as a horse?

You need some help to deal with the anxiety and does suicidal thoughts, most of the bs go through it and there is no shame in that, it is a traumatic even which brings a lot of pain. You are trying to defend the fact that she cheated, because of x and y reasons. Reality is, it doesn't matter if he was the most handsome guy ever alive or the richest person. It was your wife who was supposed to respect her vows and marriage to you. Of course no marriage is perfect, there are always ups and downs. Also the thing that you said about wayward spouses who don't tell their husband to prevent their pain, most of the times is because they are selfish and don't want to lose what they have and they don't give the betrayed spouse a chance to chose for themselves. Take your time and think with your brain and not with your heart. Maybe you need some time away from her to think and meditate without her influence.

Sorry to see that this has been bothering you for the better part of last 20 years. Hope it was not that intense. Your action going forward can depend on how good it has been during 20 years after the affair. Was she really affectionate (showing signs of remorse out of guilt though the cheating was never acknowledged) or she was there just for stability.

It seems during the affair WW was plotting, adamant and non caring and you were kind of hesitant in confronting the cheating and you never asked her directly. Hope her details of the affair is correct and it ended when you really got in to questioning the Pos's presence in the store.

[This message edited by goalong at 5:45 PM, August 5th (Saturday)]

"Maybe I need to get a divorce, to clear it, put this marriage behind me, kill it dead, divorce final. Then maybe we can date a while and possibly get remarried?"

Jimmy,

This is the smartest thing you've said so far. Before you do it you should get her to sign an agreement that she won't take you to the cleaners. I mean if she truly loves you that's the least she could do, right? Let me ask you a serious question. How old is your son? The one that seems to act just like the OM.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 8:34 PM, August 5th (Saturday)]

The sex was boring

She risked her marriage for the sex

Says a lot about how she viewed the marriage, huh?

(I'm not saying this to hurt you, it's so that you can view the actual truth as soon as you can. The truth, as much as it must hurt, is your only path to recovery)

Jimmy I'm so sorry about all of this. Do not leave with your clothes and hope she takes you back!!!!! Ever!!!!!! If this goes south you will have been the one who chose to leave and if you're miserable now, imagine feeling all you feel while being homeless. It's ten times worse. In response to you thinking you two were strong and could get through anything? That's half true. You are! She suffers with weakness. And of course she chose you!!!!! You give her everything!! Sex is important but not as important as a nice man with lots of resources. Dammit Jimmy do not leave and give her everything under any circumstances!!!!!! I promise you will lose that one

Jimmy I don't believe the bit about your anger. I think she keeps telling you this and brainwashing you to think you're an angry person. I believe she's projecting her emotions onto you to avoid taking responsibility of where her heart was and is currently. That's a huge thing I kept noticing in my case at least. Looking back, virtually every single accusation my wife threw at me was actually true of her and not me. It drove me crazy. For her part, I would guess she doesn't realize she does this, making things even more difficult for you.