SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you kindly for that breakdown hellfire. I’ll be sure to follow protocol. And thank you for pointing out how much I have on my plate... I wasn’t aware but i don’t think ill ever be too busy to stand up to internet bullying and verbal abuse/harassment. some might even consider it selfish not to say anything about a man taking out his anger for his wife on someone else that is trying to open up and make sense of mistakes she’s made. Enabling the abuse albeit.

It doesn’t matter whether We think she’s a wayward or not. Whether or not we think she’s owning it. Attacking her will only make her clam up. It took me months to find a place like this to ask questions, come clean and find others like me. She needs this place too. regardless of infidelity, she’s still a person behind her screen and she does not deserve to be treated the way she was. It took guts to post and come clean. Whether she said whatever it is that BS’s need to feel like she’s owning up to mistakes, posting is the first step here. Jmho.

I knew it was wrong,

So that begs the question why you chose to do it.

And I'm not saying this to "pile on" or be deliberately hurtful. Figuring out your WHY is important to your healing. WHY did you give yourself permission to do this?

love is something that cant be controlled and i made the mistake of falling in love with an already taken man

This is a perfect illustration of not taking responsibility for your choices.

Love is, at the end of it, a choice.

We don't just "fall" in love. We give ourselves an opportunity to grow in love with someone. When someone is married, we should draw a boundary around not giving ourselves that opportunity. After all, that's what we expect our partners to do for us.

IC is especially helpful in guiding you to figure out your past and how you can keep it from contaminating your future.

Cat

posting is the first step here.

And accountability is the next. If unfettered pats on the back is what she(and others) are looking for that does not HELP her.

WHen she realizes that she OWNS the situation...then she can exercise some control.

When she realizes that she OWNS her previous decisions then she not repeat them.

there was ONE person who attacked her...and it was modified. NO ONE else attacked her. They held her accountable to her poor choices that YEARS later now have an affect on her "present".

love is something that cant be controlled

Maybe you can't control falling in love, but you CAN control your behavior. You made poor and hurtful choices in your behaviors as an OW.

You're welcome, FR.

You've reported it, so let's get back to advising,and supporting the OP.

OP, love is a choice. You chose to cross lines,one at a time, before you found yourself in Love.

What is going on with your ex now? Has either of you filed? I strongly suggest you file, right away. Since he's not helping with the bills, are you able to continue to live where you are? Do you have family that can help you out? Do you have a support system that you can turn to? Being pregnant is hard enough without all of this other shit going on.

One thing I don't think has been mentioned yet, but you need to be tested for stds right away. You know of one ow he's been with,and you could be at risk,as well as your baby. Some STDs can cause a great deal of health issues to an unborn child.

In your own words, this is a situation that cannot be controlled. Your WH now loves this other woman. So, your only option is to pick yourself up, and move on. It sucks, but honestly, it sounds like you'd be better off moving yourself out of this betrayal cycle anyways.

If I were you, I'd get into IC. Do the best you can to make sure that you understand how you let yourself get into this situation with a married man with children and resolve to fix your "picker" AND yourself so that the next time you find love it is with someone stable and has a better chance at being stable. You owe both of your children and YOURSELF that much.

The place you are in is painful and I can understand how heartbroken you are. I'm sure if you came looking for support AND were genuinely understanding about your role in the dissolution of your WH's first marriage as the OW, it would be easier to find more support. Think a bit on that. Yes, you are hurting, but for every word of defense you give yourself as the OW, you are also making truthful about this new OW. Own your actions and work on healing yourself.

If you take a peek at the WSes who get more support here, it's either solely in the W section or to those WSes who have demonstrated remorse or at least a desire to be on the path there.

Good luck.

I have been tested, I have a support system other than him that are there if I need help. He at the moment is trying to now be apart of my pregnancy which is not going to happen and I am moving on but I disagree that love was a choice. We were friends before anything and with friendship grows love whether romantically or friendly. And i also diagree with where people think I should be posting and what group i should be apart of. Thats all opinion and no matter what is stated i was still betrayed also. And this post was to seek advice from people that do not pass judgment nor negativity which is ill ive seen minus a few responses which makes me feel as if some of you are here for the wrong reason because the site states its a safe place but many of you seem to make thinks very unsettling for people you dont agree with.

It's not that we don't agree with you. It's that we recognize justifications and foggy thinking when we see it.

You are in pain, and that is real. You are also not seeing your history clearly, I'm afraid. You are still believing that your soon-to-be-ex's first marriage was somehow "wrong" - that's what he told you, and even though you are now in EXACTLY the same position as the first wife, you still believe it? We can all nearly guarantee you that he told his new "love" that your marriage was wrong, that he was being treated badly, that you were depriving him either of physical or emotional needs. That wasn't true. So why do you still think those statements were true of his first wife, when he likely made the exact same statements about you?

That's what everyone is looking for here.

Has society completely stopped thinking with their brains? Does anyone ever think about the consequences of their actions anymore?

If you play with fire you're going to get burned. If you date a cheater they will cheat on you too. You're not special, just another notch in the belt.

How about everyone learn a life lesson here and don't start relationships with married people. It always turns multiple lives and families to shit.

I don't understand anyone who throws logic and reasoning out the window for "feelings". People need to learn how to control their lizard brains.

We were friends before anything and with friendship grows love whether romantically or friendly.

And I am sure your husband and his new lady would say the same thing. I hope you will pursue IC for yourself so that you doen't end up in this situation again.

I cant help but laugh at some of this. I could have just left that part out and this post would be going a completely different way. If i take away the fact it may have started wrong, many of these comments would be complete opposite. And without that i was still betrayed. I am highly logical and my life career says so. No one person is perfect so the opinions are not gospel, just opinion. So me telling the truth on the post clearly shows the actions were accepted. As stated through a computer screen it’s impossible to know someones life, just the parts that are told. But it baffles me how negative people are. Not sure how that’s supposed to advise anyone.

Sorry that you're getting a lot of harsh responses Kelsz. You are correct; you've been betrayed too. You didn't realize the impact of what you were doing when you started the relationship. We've all made huge mistakes in our lives; me probably more than others here. Hopefully we'll all learn from these mistakes and grow.

I'm hoping that you're getting to a better place now that some dust has settled. I think you're correct in keeping him out of your life at this point. Constant contact with him will slow and even stop your emotional healing. He's not the great guy that you thought he was and because of his actions, you owe him nothing. Keep in mind that you have value and that there are good guys out there. You made a bad choice but that doesn't mean that you have to allow it to define your life. You decide what you will do and where you want your life to lead. Make good choices and you'll have a better life than you had previously. Take care of yourself.

Kelsz, go back and reread your first post. You trashed your husband's ex. No compassion for the damage done to her. I think the harshest responses were due to that.

You absolutely were betrayed. And your highly logical mind should enable you to see that history is repeating itself. I feel badly for you that you find yourself here. What is it you are looking for?

Hi Kelsz

I won’t deny your pain. What he did is just awful. You may not fully think this but to me he is a Narcissistic POS that thinks women are there for him and his pleasure.

Of course you know him and I dont (except thru your post, and he doesn’t come off real well in your description)

Regardless the advice is standard as for all BS’s

Find a good lawyer and start figuring out your options. He needs to pay support and if you have to legally make you do it, so be it.

Continue with IC. Is your therapist a specialist in infidelity?

Get STD tested, if that can be done while you are pregnant.

Stay NC with him. He’s not showing any remorse and you deserve to be left alone if he can’t support the pain he has caused you.

Is the OW married? If so, contact her spouse and make him aware of what is happening.

And as you have been take care of your health for both the sake of you and your baby. Nothing is more important.

Rely on family and friends to support you during this time.

That’s really all you can do with a non remorseful WH. There’s no magic bullet.

I will leave you with this however:

4 or 5 years from now, when a middle aged woman comes here crying how her new younger husband of only 1 year has left her for another woman and while she knows they didn’t start under the best circumstances because he left his pregnant wife Kelsz for her, she’s still in pain nonetheless.

But it’s ok, we shouldn’t think badly of her because he told her how awful his ex was to him, how badly she treated him and how unhappy he was with her.

When she tells us that should we believe what she says about you? After all she saved him. From you. He wouldn’t lie would he? She tells us how you were truly terrible to him and he just had to get away from her. She saved him from you.

Some day, when you have moved on without him (and I truly hope you do), and have found someone else to share a healthy relationship with, I think you might want to contact his 1st wife, whom you helped him betray, and apologize.

But those are just my thoughts on how to live a truly authentic life. Take what you need here, and leave the rest.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:20 AM, May 10th (Thursday)]

Why are you not letting him be apart of the pregnancy?

Of course reactions would be different if you had not mentioned you started your relationship as an affair partner. However, that is the whole point of this post, is it not? That you feel like it is partly karma?

I mean, I do wonder what I had done in a past life to deserve this, myself. However, it is important to own what you did, understand what is happening to you, and learn and move on. Your past as an other woman is important in your healing, because it is part of what makes you who you are today. So don't try to brush it away. Truly take responsibility, and use what you know from your experience to understand what is going on now. Perhaps it may be even more helpful in your healing, having been an accomplice to infidelity, to understand and become better.

I cant help but laugh at some of this. I could have just left that part out and this post would be going a completely different way. If i take away the fact it may have started wrong, many of these comments would be complete opposite. And without that i was still betrayed.

You certainly were betrayed. But if you are as logical as you say you are, you have to understand that your situation and your WH's ex's situation are the same. If you cant find empathy for her, you cant expect empathy for yourself.

If you feel anger for your WH's AP, you should feel that same anger for yourself for what you did to your WH's ex. That is part of healing, and it will help you reconcile your integrity. But you can only do that when you recognise the lack of morality you displayed and weren't concerned about, and are only concerned when it is affecting you. I am not saying this to bash you. I am saying this so that you can move forward as a person who can look within and not see conflict in their values and their actions.

FLAMING & ATTACKING: Please refrain from attacking another member, publicly or by using the SI.com Private Message feature. Do not bait or call out others. This includes members and non-members.

You all can make your points without without being blatantly disrespectful to OP. Treat her with the same respect you would a Madhatter posting from a BS perspective.

Kelze

Sorry but you have no remorse what you did in your past. And you saying you are laughing at all of our comments shows what a completely thoughtless person you are..

You reek of entitlement and want people to feel sorry for you.

Well all I and I’m sure others here are doing is laughing at you.

You don’t deserve help because you think you are right and that you deserve kindness but you made your bed by ruining another family and his wife’s and children’s lives.

You don’t know what their marriage was or even if it was bad.

He was a cheater and told you lies. And your entire relationship was a lie.

And you are a wayward first. And you need to figure out why you did that to another innocent person and their children.

And you getting cheated on is not surprising. Why are you surprised if he did it to his xwife with you. Figure out your life and yes swallowing crow is tough.

Hy..

First..Im sorry for your pain..and yes the pain is the same like many of as say.And the pian is great for healing.You have to realise that every poster here is not in the same time of healing. Poster that are angry are still in shock. Some posters are heald. And because of that some post are harsh because of fresh wound. If you read this forum for every link of time you will see that people change perspective about some comment's. You will change to..And your story is big trigger for many people here.