SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ya know, from little you have stated in your posts, it seems to me your H betrays you simply when opportunity knocks. And he has clearly lied to you and you don't seem to be holding him accountable.

Suggestion... file for a D and have a trial separation. You need time to really think, away from him, as to what you want your life/marriage to look like in 3, 5, 10 years. And he needs to understand you are dead serious.

Just a quick thought.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 10:41 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

emartee, I too received herpes from my STBX. Chlamydia can me healed correct? Sadly at soon to be 47, I will have this Shit memory for life. All the breakouts during the D process are never ending with the stress. HOWEVER, it does feel better now WH is gone.

My WH became a bartender after years of being in IT. it was a perfect outlet for his Serial Cheating Ass.

I went through all the motions you are "finding more proof", "justifying the magnitude". What "I could live with" if WH was getting help. You have to do what is right for you. I do not have an opinion on Polygraphs. My WH never wanted R, just how he could figure out a new way of hiding.

Post here often, we are here to help. This Forum saved me and continues to do so.

This isn’t a marriage problem. He is a serial cheater. The marriage doesn’t need counsel. He gave his wife a disease and lied about the medicine. Did he even tell the team doctor his wife was nursing?

I would file a complaint on the team doctor. You aren’t his patient.

Your husband even took away your rights to pick a treatment you think is best.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:47 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

What difference does that make???

Absolutely not one bit, but cheaters will try to minimize what they do. “Just oral” sounds better to a cheater I guess.

I know you want to believe your WH and all the lies that he is telling you but why not have him help you back up your belief in him with a poly? If he is being honest with you then he will want to help you heal, right?

He admitted that he had sex with her, among other details that I asked for. What other truth is there? I don’t think it was a traditional affair, rather a groupie fuck. I don’t think emotions were attached...No relationship. Yes he is a liar, but I believe him when he said he had sex with her. I believe the condom broke. I don’t believe he finished inside of her. He probably stayed put for a little bit to save the bare contact, but I don’t think he finished there. I asked for torturous details. How they ended up from strangers at a party to fucking in a bathroom at someone’s house.

Prior to, I know our marriage was in a very vulnerable place. Our communication sucked, constant arguing. Barely intimate with each other. He was depressed about leaving the family. Not happy playing sports anymore. He seemed in a very dark place. He had been telling me he was not doing well psychologically and he was asking for help. Neither of us were happy in our relationship.

This sounds naive, but the first I asked if he had sex, and I asked “Do you swear to God.” He refused and couldn’t make eye contact. That’s when I was convinced he was lying. But after the day I got my results back, As he answered my questions, as painful as the answers were to hear, I think he felt a relief putting his truth out there. He didn’t want to answer at first, but I told that lying has gotten him nowhere, and it serves him no benefit. This was his final opportunity to be honest and he agreed. He was reluctant, but when I said “I need to process this. You were there, you have the details. I have my imagination.” He said I was right and answered every question I asked. I asked him what happened....and then I asked for details.

Suggestion... file for a D and have a trial separation. You need time to really think, away from him, as to what you want your life/marriage to look like in 3, 5, 10 years. And he needs to understand you are dead serious.

I agree. I think this is what I need. I really feel like this is what I need. But I don’t know where MC would come in at.

I am in Texas though and do not have legal trial separation unfortunately.

[This message edited by emartee at 10:54 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

The risk is, as others have pointed out, is serial cheating. Not uncommon for athletes. God...I am I not ready for that truth yet. I don’t think I am...but I feel like that may be the final spike knowing that this was just one of many encounters.

And he is getting to comfortable with me being back home already. The conversation about our kids and their activities, the random flirting. God, he doesn’t seem remorseful because he is trying to go back to normal. This needs to stop.

I am not ready for divorce yet. I am just not. Maybe I am delaying the inevitable, but I am not ready right now.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel with a serial cheater ... I know because I am married to one.

I believe serial cheaters always think they are going to get away with it ... or that there are never going to be any consequences because they think they are invincible...

They are able to cheat and lie over and over because they feel a huge sense of entitlement.

Your WH has lots of opportunity being an athlete, so this is never going to stop until you have decided you have had enough.

I have said to my WH -- what is going to be your rock bottom? A Lawsuit? Someone accusing you of rape or sexual harassment?

Your WH has given you an STD -- shouldn't that be your rock bottom?

[This message edited by Zamboni at 1:43 AM, August 13th (Monday)]

It should be our rock bottom. But truth be told, if I walk away, I can't say that I put 100% of myself into the marriage. I can't walk away with no regrets. I have not been invested in the relationship for a while. I feel like if I leave I will have that what if haunting me.

He didn't go back, he stayed. He put his career on the line (which I wish he didn't because I wish he would go back to give me some space)

God, he doesn’t seem remorseful because he is trying to go back to normal.

It's because he's not. It's a rugsweep.

When you finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired maybe you'll be able to make a decision.

I suspect you'll have more to endure before that time.

The only one who can keep you in this is you.

It's because he's not. It's a rugsweep

Honest, sincere question...but how can I know if he is repentan vs rugsweepingt? He's answered questions and has asked for marriage counseling together, as well as individual counseling

What is it supposed to look like now?

[This message edited by emartee at 11:44 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

He should be doing what you want/need.

Space, etc.

Not ignoring the elephant in the room if you want to discuss it.

Full honesty. Not the trickle truthing cheater script.

Above all his actions long term count more than anything.

What can he do to make you feel safe and secure.

He needs long term IC before I'd do any MC.

Thank you Marz...I do believe once the dam broke he did tell the truth regarding this situation. Idk if it is the only situation though.

He is also open to discuss if I have anymore questions...which is usually Why did he do it. He doesn't get agitated or avoid it.

And I agree...he probably does need more individual counseling.

If you are going to stay with him and try to work on your M, then GET A POST-NUP.

You need to protect yourself and your kids ... I WISH I had gotten one.

Run it by your WH ... see what his reaction is ... his response will be very telling ...

It doesn't have to be unreasonable requests like 99% of his assets ... but just something that will give you peace of mind.

People that are sorry and remorseful want to correct their mistakes and make things right ... if he starts blaming you ... then you have your answers.

This is going to be your best option if you decide to stay with him ... but don't sit on it ... sitting and waiting will weaken your claim against him ... STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT.

I know how hard this is ... I have lived it. No one wants to blow up their family, but sometimes you have no choice when your partner isn't safe to be with. It's no way to live.

We live in a community property state, so I would be entitled to half of all our assets acquired during our marriage, including half of his retirement accumulated..

Would a postnup still be necessary? Also Texas is a no fault state. I don't think that it will be enforceable.

Idk if it is the only situation though.

If he contacted an STD you know the truth.

You like most are in a bit of denial.

It's the "tip of the iceberg".

Suggest a polygraph.

I'd bet his story changes very quickly.

Sorry you're here but you seem smart so thats a bonus

[This message edited by Marz at 12:59 AM, August 13th (Monday)]

Ask your attorney about the Post-Nup ... I don't live in Texas, so I don't know anything about the laws there. I would think that any legal document signed by you, your spouse, and an attorney that has been agreed upon and notarized is enforceable ... but I am not a lawyer, so maybe I am wrong.

If you don't do a Post-Nup see about having an asset put in your name (like your home) or stock ...

I am sorry to be so hung up on the financial part of it, but you need to protect yourself ... you are a young mom with many child-rearing years ahead of you and your WH has proven to be untrustworthy. If say five years from now, some woman comes banging on your door saying that he fathered one of her kids, the shit is going to hit the fan and you need to be prepared. (I hope that doesn't happen, but ask people around here how many OC have been born due to affairs. Many cheaters seem to hate the inconvenience of using protection.)

This is all new and shocking so you might not know what you want right now. Just protect yourself and find a great therapist.

Honest, sincere question...but how can I know if he is repentan vs rugsweepingt? He's answered questions and has asked for marriage counseling together, as well as individual counseling

What is it supposed to look like now?

You will know. Right now he is throwing his Hail Mary.

You aren’t ready for divorce. This is fine. We all understand. What you should be open to is the truth. No excusing him. There are certain personality traits for careers. And there are personality traits for cheaters. Your husband is a pro athlete. He has been a God his whole life. Google pro athlete and cheating. It’s the same mindset as physicians and surgeons. Google personality traits of this and cheating.

During this process, I implore you to see the truth. Set standards for you, he can either jump high to your standards or stay immoral. As you change, you will see exactly how he delivers or doesn’t.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more from yourself, and your life.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 11:29 AM, August 13th (Monday)]

The risk is, as others have pointed out, is serial cheating. Not uncommon for athletes. God...I am I not ready for that truth yet. I don’t think I am...but I feel like that may be the final spike knowing that this was just one of many encounters.

And he is getting to comfortable with me being back home already. The conversation about our kids and their activities, the random flirting. God, he doesn’t seem remorseful because he is trying to go back to normal. This needs to stop.

The only person who can control this situation is the one who looks at you in the mirror.

And it is common in many professions (sports, military, entertainment...) for betraying to be simply an accepted aspect of it all. Some spouses live and cope with it and some don't. You need to decide which camp you're in and act accordingly.

Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair ". Read it and then give it to him. Ask him if he is willing to put in the hard work reconciliation will take. It will take a lot of work from both of you, you can't do it on your own. He has to make big changes, does he think he can?