SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have an appointment a month from now to make sure the treatment worked. Also, I will follow up in January for another full panel.

I am very health conscious.

I need help regaining my assertiveness. I am letting him see my hurt in this situation by telling him how much this hurts me and how betrayed and insecure I feel. Please tell me how to turn this around and regain my self respect. I feel so weak right now.

(((emartee)))

Have you read through the Healing Library’s? It is located in the yellow box on the left. There should be information to help you develop strategies to distance yourself and please do find an IC for therapy ASAP.

It's ok to feel hurt. Pair it with some consequences.

I have and I felt like I was doing a good job until I came back home. We are not sharing a bedroom together, but I came back “for the kids”. But if I am honest, I feel like my presence here gives him comfort more, and maybe even me some degree of comfort too. But it’s not comforting to me. It’s torture. I cannot look at him without picturing with some faceless skeezey groupie. I need him gone so I can process.

What kind of activities do you enjoy? In what ways are you dynamic?

Your husband’s affairs are not because of you. You are an innocent bystander watching a man commit crimes. Naturally what you see affects your world view. However, you know the rest of the world isn’t committing crimes.

There are wonderful and moral people on this planet. Look for the miracles and the angels.

Healing after these betrayals will take everything inside of you. Focus on you.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

You only can change you. Find a therapist and make specific goals. I want to become more assertive with my husband. I want to develop boundaries.

I will give you an example. Yesterday I was cleaning out the fridge. My husband saw me. He starts saying oh there is 10 dollars you are throwing away. And so on. I turned to him calmly. Please leave the room. I am not going to nickel and dime my grocery shopping. I do not need to. You are welcome to do the meal planning and grocery shopping. If you want to take over this chore, please open your mouth and continue on. He said. He was sorry. He started helping me instead of being an asshole.

In the past I would have tried explaining why we didn’t eat this or that. Gotten defensive. This time. I simply stated. I will not engage. And he is welcome to take on the responsibility.

There are many different ways adulterer husbands show us disrespect. Don’t allow it.

Gently, have you asked him why no protection was used and how many times? Tell him you’ll pursue a lie detector so he may as well be truthful. Also gently, can he be sure he did not get her pregnant? If he is an athlete, there are some people that would go out of their way to get a meal ticket.

[This message edited by deena04 at 11:14 AM, August 12th (Sunday)]

So the details of the affair was that he was at a party at the house of one of his teammates. There was drinking and gambling, neither of which he took part in, so he was sober for this.

They invited over some girls and he had a conversation with one of them. He told her he wasn't happy in his marriage to me and she said "That's not my problem". The night went on and he went to the restroom. She followed him in and he said that's when his decision was made. She gave him oral sex and he left to retrieve a condom from his friend. He went back and that's when they proceeded to fuck. The condom broke and they stopped intercourse he and she finished him off orall.y

I hope you realize how ridiculous that story is.

That's right out of the cheaters handbook.

180. 180. 180.

I am not sure what is so ridiculous about that story, though. To me, it is a disgusting story. Unless you are talking about the original post that claims he just got head.

The full story is not the case.

Big hugs to you. It might be suggested that stories change And most of the time the original story is not true, full story. Often times, the stories change it many times. In the beginning, the cheaters are often in self-preservation mode where they are trying to control the outcome by only giving certain pieces of information that may or may not be true. I do not want to speak on behalf of Tushnurse, but she may have been trying to say something along the lines of the story does not sound quite right and be careful trusting that this is the truth just because it came out of his mouth. I still stand behind getting a polygraph and telling him that so that way he has a chance to literally tell you what is truth before that. Many a cheater have come clean on the verge of a poly graph because they knew it wasn’t going to do them anymore good to lie. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Just remember, we have all been through something along these lines, so lean on us.

[This message edited by deena04 at 9:04 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

Are polygraph tests accurate, though? What will a polygraph deliver outside of what I was told? Who does it?

Initially he was adamant that it was just oral sex. But that didn't sound right at all. It made no sense. I do feel like this story in particular is the truth.

A polygraph is a waste of time. He is a serial cheater.

You know the truth. He cheats. You have the STD to prove it. You already know he is a liar.

What is the plan for you now? What do you want to do to help yourself?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 10:07 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

You can Google or look up places that do polygraphs in your area. They tend to get the answers you were looking for, so you would think of some questions that you want to make sure he has been truthful on, such as how many girls, protection used, etc. It might give you the peace of mind to know whether or not what he has told you is true or to what severity he has been lying. They seem to be pretty accurate. Many here recommend them.

Emartee, once you really begin to realize the magnitude of what your WH has done against you, your baby and your marriage, is when the anger, hate, resentment, rage and all the negative emotions will overwhelm you. This is when your voice will come. This is when your assertiveness will take over. Honestly, it's going to be very hard for you to understand why your husband could do this again you.

Instead of calling it your assertiveness though, I would call what you are about to feel-rage, screaming, uncontrollable crying, sleepless nights a more appropriate response than saying you are upset that he hurt you. In time, when the shock begins to wane, the pain you will experience will be the worse pain that you will have ever felt in your life.

I am sorry to say this but I don't think you understand that your marriage and your view of your WH has changed forever. And I'm sure your trust for your WH is pretty much gone. And if it isn't, I'm sure it soon will be.

I know you want to believe your WH and all the lies that he is telling you but why not have him help you back up your belief in him with a poly? If he is being honest with you then he will want to help you heal, right?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:30 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

Why do I allow this?

Yeah, why do you?

he was adamant that it was just oral sex.

What difference does that make???

Honestly, I don’t know what the plan is. Immediately, my health is my priority. Clear the STD, follow up with my obgyn to make sure my health is okay, and follow up in a month for a confirmation.

I guess MC for us, and continued IC for each of us in the near future.

Not the first time. Unfortunately for you he's a "serial cheater".

Google it.