SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry. I know this pain well because I found out due to a chlamydia/PID diagnosis.

And, you've been given good advice.

I only want to add that you WILL make it through this pain, with or without him.

My own situation: I was 7 months pregnant when I found out he was going to topless bars. He said he was sorry, and please not leave him.

I wanted our baby to have a family, and I loved him, so I stayed.

FF 15 years and 2 sons by this time. Love their Dad, our family, we have a boat, lake house, 4 wheelers, travel the country with their sport and their Dad.

Dad starts sleeping with the mothers on these travel teams!! OMG!!!

Then I find out he’s had women all these years!!!! I D my husband after he said he was leaving us, and now the fallout to my 2 sons is TREMENDOUS.

OW and their Dad at our lake house, HER kids driving our boat on the weekends my sons were with me. OMG I was 55 and she was 34.

It was a total mindf**k for my poor kids just starting high school. And the OW and her kids go to their school!! OMG.

These cheaters do not change w/o serious help and it goes sicker and sicker.

Just think if I would have gotten counseling in 1997, divorced him, given my sons a nice, quiet, drama free life. We could have had our own boat, 4 wheelers,etc. They could have seen their Dad e/o/w, but not been traumatized.

Counseling really saved our lives. She didn’t force me into a D, but supported me while deciding.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:45 PM, August 5th (Sunday)]

There is a reoccurring theme here: get out while you still have a life and your youth.

I ended up choosing to stay. That was a decade ago. I still have five more years before my daughters are both out of the house.

These people don't change. They adjust their tactics so they can continue seeking out their cravings, desires and addictions. Nothing changes.

I still feel like I want him to change. I am being stupid.

E, you’re not being stupid. You want who you thought he was. He’s shown you exactly who he is and it’s hard to believe. Please ask yourself if you wanting him to change is worth what you’ll be putting your children through? Does HE want to change? Can you learn to trust again as long as he’s a professional athlete? A lot of life is on the road.

I appreciate your transparency in sharing that you want him to change. Can you live like this if he never changes? If the answer is no, get out and focus on you and your child/ren. Do not lose sight of your worth and value! Hang in there

I still feel like I want him to change. I am being stupid.

You're not being "stupid" at all.

That's exactly what most of us here wanted too.

Trouble is - you can't change him, only he can want to change, try to change, do the really hard work to change himself, be proactive to seek that change.

And what's more, he has to really want to change for himself....... not for you.

All you can change is yourself.

YOUR boundaries.

YOUR self respect.

Please keep posting.

We are all walking with you.

Sending you hugs and strength.

MOB xx

I'm not ready to be divorced at almost 30. I hate his ass so much, but I'm still wanting him to change. Why!

I’m young too. Got married at 27, and never envisioned I’d be ready to D at 32. I didn’t think it would be in the cards for me, but loving myself and kid is way more important than living with betrayal. He’s been cheating w/ randos since 11 months in.

Serial cheaters don’t change, they just get better at lying, hiding, & manipulation.

You have every right to hate him. He betrayed you and lied. If you stay, he won’t change, he’ll continue to disrespect you with more A’s. If you stay and tolerate this ish, you’ll eventually go on to hate yourself for putting up with it. Don’t hate yourself. Lawyer up, protect yourself, and love yourself.

((Hugs))

[This message edited by CurseBreaker at 12:42 PM, August 11th (Saturday)]

You are not being stupid. You love your WH and you are shocked and traumatized. (( ))

My WH is not a professional athlete, but he is someone that has a tremendous amount of opportunity to cheat ... he travels and jet sets, has empty hotel rooms, he goes to after-hours social events ... it’s a recipe for disaster.

Your WH will always have women around him and therefore opportunity. So, you have to really think about that before you even consider trying to reconcile.

Honestly, it’s nearly impossible to feel safe under those circumstances, and you can’t play the marriage police forever.

I still feel like I want him to change. I am being stupid.

You are not being stupid, you want your M to work.

However.... YOU cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to do, and his actions show he could care less about you.

If he cared, you would not be on this site.

You wouldn't be dealing with STD treatment.

You wouldn't be wondering what's next.

He has cheated previously, he has a career that allows that type of behavior, and you are not his primary concern. You are a convenience when he is home.

Start taking some control over your life.

Kick him out of your room.

Read up on the 180.

Let him know this is it. You are done tolerating this, and you are serious.

Lastly - do not allow Fear of the unknown stop you from protecting yourself and your child.

When you get those STD test results back, be sure to ask if your child needs to be tested as well.

Sorry to hear about your situation emartee.

Firstly I want to recommend temporarily employing the 180. You can read about it in the Healing Library on this site. It will help you to get a little mental distance so you can think about where you want to go from here.

Secondly, if you wanted to pursue it, you have a civil case that you can bring against your husband for endangering you and your child by not using protection and knowingly giving you an STD. It includes him paying damages and may include jail-time but it will effectively get your point across.

Take care of yourself.

He came clean. He admitted he did have sex with her. It is painful to find out, but also affirming what I already knew.

Still in a crappy place about it.

I am sorry for what you have gone through. Does he acknowledge the stupidity of his actions? Any sense of change or the hurt he has caused you?

Way back in the past, my first ‘great love’ was a pro athlete. Together 4.5 yrs, engaged 1 yr.

Amusingly, my moving to a distant college is what ended it.

Found out when a teammate wrote a autobiography that my ‘loving fiance’ also ‘fell in love on every roadtrip’. There were probably a couple hundred girls - ONS or less.

Talking to some of his teammates afterward, I learned that ‘what happens on the road, stays on the road’.

Athletes have women offering themselves to them all the time. Temptation is everywhere, stroking egos is constant.

I’m sorry to say it, but I’d be surprised if one party was his only poor behavior.

[This message edited by GoneDoggyGone at 5:05 PM, August 9th (Thursday)]

Get a polygraph on him. That may make him come super clean on anything else. Did you get std tests yet? Please have them check everything. Post here. A lot of great people are on here to help. (((Hugs)))

I got a full panel std screening. Everything came back clean except chlamydia. I confronted him and I told him his lying helped him none and he agreed.

I asked him if he was ready to accept responsibility and be truthful with whatever question I asked him. He agreed. He was reluctant at first, but I reminded him that it was up to me to determine what I wanted to know. He answered every question fully and honestly. It was painful but also freeing. He accepted responsibility for the affair.

While it does not absolve him, i feel like we can move forward. I am not sure that means reconciliation. We had so many issues in the relationship, i dont even know how to proceed. He is wanting counseling. I told him right now, i need to focus on myself nd he needs to focus on himself.

It feels weird, but I am not angry anymore. The hurt is still there, and it is heavy...but my anger is not there. Why is that? It was easier to make a move when I was angry.

I promised my son to take him to Jurassic World, but my son begged my husband to go too. My son doesn't know we are separated and I am trying to preserve his ignorance until we are certain of what we are going to do. I need my husband to understand this is for my son, and not to confuse this with a step toward reconciliation. I cannot think about that right now.

Just fyi, depending on when his last sexual contact was with somebody other than you, you may have to be tested again. Typically, it's an initial test, then 3 months later another test, and possibly again six months later.

Read the articles in the Healing Library on this site. They will help you to know what your next steps are. It's good that you want to keep your communication clear with you husband that the family trip is for your son and that you're working on yourself. Though it may not feel like it, you're doing well given the situation.