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dont want to be the girl who left his guy because he wasn't mentally healthy and tried some stupid experiment in order to deal with it.

Notsureif why do you not want to be that girl? Why don't you want to be the girl who seeks a strong, mentally healthy guy to share your life with? Why don't you want to be the girl who decides she does not want to share her life with someone who is not mentally health and tries destructive, violating, exploitative and generally immoral and ugly ways to cope?

I don't remember if you are working with a good IC but if not please try to find a counselor who might delve into some of those questions.

You say you hope he finds it in his heart to be honest? Why? How? When? Some people have serious psychological problems that enable them to be dishonest; some have problems that manifest in dishonestly; your bf seems to have very serious problems. I think we're all suggesting that you extricate yourself from this person who is unhealthy. He doesn't not sound like the kind of guy with whom anyone would live happily ever after.

[This message edited by marji at 9:56 PM, January 20th (Sunday)]

Let him go. Be nice to your future self.

Happy single mom to a sweet little girl.

Annanew thank you so much. I really wish to be as strong as you someday. Right now i dont think i have the strength to let him go. It's just sad but it is true. We fight everyday. When i get upset he listens to everything at first but after sometime he just cant take it and he fights back. The topic changes from how he cheated to how i made it difficult for him to open up to me that he "had to" go out experimenting with another girl. I hate how instead of solving my trust issues we end up talking about solving his problems. I want to help him solve his thing but for once just once i want one conversation about me. He now needs a break. He thinks that'll help our relationship.

[This message edited by Notsureifishould at 5:35 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

And oh, I met someone else who’s 1000x better than her.

BBBD

Hi ! I am happy you found someone so much better. I am scared i never will. This whole thing has broken all my hopes and the whole idea of big love is a lie to me. My self confidence is down to zero and our everyday fights are making is worse. I think i will never be able to love anyone else again.

Starzen

What you said is so so relatable. I hope to find strength in my life either to be able to fix things or to be able to let him go.

someone who is not mentally health and tries destructive, violating, exploitative and generally immoral and ugly ways to cope?

I don't want to be that girl because he was this person (in the quote) when we fell in love. We have a problem now because he grew into someone not so good. He could have grown up to be someone worse. He could have suffered a fatal disease or had a disability. Tha problem could have been anything and I wouldn't have left him then. The problem that i have is that he lies to me and if there is a solution i would want to try it.

I dont know if the way i am thinking right now is right or wrong but that's how my brain is working right now. What you said is right but i need time to gather my strength and believe.

You noted in your first post that you are a "doctor" and then also mentioned that you just completed college. Having just completed med school, you would typically be required to go for residency work. Will residency work soon separate you two for possibly years?

Please read up on codependency. Please refocus back on you. Face your fears. What are they? Get some counselling help with your fears and get some understanding of yourself. This could be a wonderful journey to find YOU. Take it, I implore you.

He is an irrelevance.

Agree that there should be understanding and compassion if this was a disability or disease.

I would totally be against a decision to leave him had he been diagnosed with a brain tumor of had lost a leg in some freak accident.

But if he insisted on chopping at his foot with an axe despite knowing it would have consequences I would be heading for the door and hope that he couldn’t catch up jumping on his one good leg.

Think of it this way: Imagine you had a parent visiting you as a doctor at a clinic. Their 3-year old child has a black eye and the parent tells you the kid fell off a swing. OK… so you believe it. After all there is no history of neglect and kids can get hurt when playing. But imagine that next week the same parent brings the same kid with the other eye blacked and this time it’s from falling off the see-saw… Wouldn’t you – as a responsible doctor – do a more thorough examination? Wouldn’t you be looking into abuse and bruises? Questioning the kid and the parent? Maybe even notifying CS?

IMHO that’s where you should be at. Your BF has been gracious enough to show you at least twice what he is. You don’t need to fix it, nor even be around when he fixes it.

I understand your I don't want to quit attitude. I do. And I understand being in love. I also understand you have years invested here.

But what I have recently come to understand is that some people who lie easily and over small things have bigger issues that cause all kinds of problems. Why lie? You're understanding, he could trust you.

I found out later. 30 years later but the early signs were there. This man doesn't know what he wants. He's got something good but can't see it. He's like a kid that can't choose, gets a toy then as soon as he gets it, wants another. He's not mature. You can't grow him up. Life is a personal journey and we all find our way at our own pace.

I bet you you're basking in the past as I did. All those happy romantic times. Time to come back to the present. When you find an authentic man, it will be more than a big show and then worries and fights. You will feel deep love and satisfaction.

If you are determined to stick it out then please go to a counselor. They will say the same thing we are telling you. You are wishful thinking and he won't change.

I worry that your fears (of leaving, being alone, the unknown) are distorting your sense of reality. The warped logic of fear can make anything seem better -even this invidious status quo that you are currently participating in - than uncertainty or the unknown. Believe me, from here it seems that the only thing you need to conquer is fear itself.

Not the first time that i've caught him lying to me. He has lied to me before. Borken my trust. He always came to his senses and did all the making up.

I'm getting tired of being the bad guy on this site, but almost every one else is trying to be gentle with you, and consequently isn't getting through to you.

STOP BEING STUPID.

This man does not love you.

This man does not care about you.

This man has no respect for you as a human being.

He is not coming to his senses and making up with you; he is merely manipulating you emotionally in order to keep you on his string. He is USING you. And there's a very good chance he is doing it because he has expectations that you will be a good earner for him. How are you going to feel if you invest twenty years in this man, have children with him, and then realize that he married you so you could work yourself to a frazzle earning money to support his philandering? Because there's a good chance that's exactly what's going on.

This man is a liar and a cheat, and you have already taught him that he can get away with lying to you repeatedly and that he can get away with cheating on you repeatedly. All he has to do is put on a show of remorse and after a brief period of courtship, you forgive him everything until the next time he gets caught lying and cheating.

THIS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL YOU KICK HIM TO THE CURB. AS LONG AS YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN, HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU.

You haven't invested enough time in this man to be unable to walk away. You do not have children with this man (unless I missed something), so there is nothing tying to you to him.

IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO LEAVE HIM, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO NEEDY AND LACKING IN SELF-ESTEEM TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE AT ALL.

Get out of this toxic relationship and fix yourself first. Then worry about finding someone.

Seriously, do you even hear yourself? You're a young, professional woman with so little self-esteem yourself that you cannot walk away from a man who repeatedly lies to you, betrays you, and counts on manipulating you instead of being honest with you. You have so little self-esteem you cannot bring yourself to leave a man who clearly hasn't got a shred of respect or affection for you.

I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again.

Anyone who could write those words is not ready for a relationship. Get out of this one before it destroys you. Then fix yourself and get your head right before you even think about entering another one.

Besides, if a man has to be "made" not to lie to you, he is too dishonest to be worth your time. If you had any self-esteem, you would already realize you deserve so much better than this lying cheat.

Anyway, you would be much better off living the rest of your life alone than living it with this guy.

Doing anything other than ending this relationship now will condemn you to years if not decades of misery and lost chances.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you can choose to listen to reality from someone who learned the hard way, or you can continue to believe the lies from a guy that has already repeatedly proven himself to you as a lying cheat.

Best of luck.

You wrote recently

He now needs a break. He thinks that'll help our relationship.

It will help YOU get some distance from him and clear your head.

It will help him because now he will certainly feel like he can cheat because in his mind you are “not together”. So many cheaters use this time not to save the relationship or marriage they destroyed BUT to date and continue the relationship with the other man or woman.

notsure,

This is something that I've said to my teenage daughters and I believe it's applicable to every human being:

Ask yourself, how you feel about yourself, not how you feel about him after an interaction with him.

This goes for all of our interactions that we have in life. With friends, co-workers, partners, employers etc.

How do you feel about yourself as you walk away from that interaction?

Do you feel worthy, liked, loved, admired, secure etc.?

Does your boss make you feel inferior ?, What about coffee with a friend? I'm using "you" in this sentence as a metaphor for all of us.

I've had friendships that were toxic and when I left that coffee or lunch, I have asked myself "Was that an underhanded insult", or "why do I feel so yucky right now?" or "Did he/she mean to embarrass me like that?" and on and on it goes.

I say this to my daughters as they navigate their way through friendships and relationships.

It's also a foundation for domestic violence (not related to you), but wanting my daughters to recognize the signs of controlling/insulting behavior which could eventually erode their self-esteem and make them not leave a potentially dangerous situation.

It's about having healthy boundaries. He should not be putting you in a position ever, that makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure or afraid.

My H works in a predominately female field in his profession. And occasionally has to have networking lunches with females. He will always ask me if I'm ok with that. If not, then he won't go (and I have done that on occasion and he respects that).

When my mom died last year, I asked my H if it would be ok for me to contact my first teenage boyfriend's parents to let them know and they could tell my first boyfriend as he knew my mom very well. He was ok with that.

When this boyfriend called me to express his condolences, I told my H right away. He was ok with that. Hadn't spoken to this teenage boyfriend for over 30 years and have never spoken to him since. I just wanted him to know since he knew my parents very well.

It's about healthy boundaries and respecting your partner.

Each person in a relationship should be doing everything they can to help their partner feel loved, safe, secure, valuable, nurtured, and respected.

just my 2 cents

R!U!N! and Run fast. You are worth far more than this lying cheater. Get healthy yourself and then you will see him for who he truly is but YOU have to get help first. IC will change your life...for the better. This is not about him, it's about Y!O!U!. Trust me when I say being a BS in a relationship of almost 20 years and married for 12 with a child, it's much harder to leave but it can be done. Don't let him get you there and if he does...sign a prenup first! (((HUGS)))

NotSure,

Check in with us and let us know how you are....

NotSure, I have read your post and your updates and responses. I am sorry to see you in this position.

You are in the enviable position of being able to walk away from someone who will continue to be toxic to YOUR life without any family, financial or other ties other than being emotionally attached.

You have a bright career ahead of you and no matter what you may feel right at this moment, if you ditch this guy NOW, you will absolutely find someone when the time is right. You literally have NOTHING to lose by getting out now.

Add to this, and I am sure there will be much discussion of this, if you engage in a long distance relationship with this guy you are literally allowing him to cheat at will and you will have no way of knowing. Let him go. You don't need this.

I read something on Facebook today, and immediately though of this thread. It said:

"Sometimes walking away is the only option. Not because you want to make someone miss you, or realize that they took you for granted. But because you finally respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better."

There doesn't seem to be any path for your relationship to get better. You BF owns his issues, not you.

Imagine staying in this relationship and having this repeat, in 5-10 years when you are married and have children. Do you think it will be easier, then?

I wish you luck.

The topic changes from how he cheated to how i made it difficult for him to open up to me that he "had to" go out experimenting with another girl.

He has convinced you that you are to blame for his digressions. He chose lying, deceit, doing something that society universally frowns upon (cheating) to avoid what?, you yellling? He chose not to open up with you. He is manipulating you by using your closeness and your trust in him. By blaming you for his problems he his attempting to have you feel that he is the best and only one for you because only he will stay and be able to overcome all your defects. Nothing you could of done short of holding a gun to his head justify his actions. He not only cheated on you (I call having a date with another woman with the intention of determining whether he wanted to date her is cheating) he deceived and mislead the woman with whom he went out. On what planet would that ever be o.k. for any reason!?

A person with integrity would not of made that choice because they know deceiving and misleading others is damaging to their own character and self worth. There are easily recognizable bad behaviors like punching someone in the face, then there are other behaviors that destroy other peoples self worth and confidence so they figuratively punch themselves in the face. In the former not getting punched is easy just stay away from that person. I fear the latter more because once someone convinces you you are bad how do we escape ourselves.

He could of chosen the route he did because he likes manipulating and controlling those around him so he can do what he wants or because he is so weak and cowardly he prefers staying out of uncomfortable situations over treating others honestly and respectfully. Neither one of those conclusions are going to be easy for him to accept. I encourage you only to stay and work on this relationship if he can admit that the second option is what he is doing and that it is wrong and he will work on it. BTW, it will be hard for him to change because the fact he can convince himself that cheating and lying can be justified means he lacks a moral compass most of us have naturally.

No matter what he does please start IC. You need to build up your confidence and self value such that you cannot be convinced you are to blame for other peoples poor choices and behavior. I'm sure there are also other personality characteristics you have that need addressing in terms of being able to be part of a healthy long-term relationship that IC can help you with (these valid quirks are likely what he is shining his light on to convince you to accept responsibility for what he choses to do). It could be a good thing you two will be physically separated and going to new places. Not dating while you get emotionally healthy is probably a good idea. I believe healthy people find healthy people. If you focus on improving yourself such that you treat others with respect and kindness and you veer away from those who do not treat you like wise someone will come into your life that helps you become the best person you can be and you can help them do the same.

Notsureifishould... Are you still with us? How are you?