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My girls are upset with me. (13 and 16). It’s justified. I snapped at them for not telling me their plans. My 16 year old says I never want to know where she is (somewhat true). Says I never invite her to do anything (somewhat true). I’ve still not taken an anti anxiety med. I’m lucid and I want to see me the way they see me. I know I’ve behaved badly and I want to remember this feeling so I can fix it. I don’t understand why my memories won’t stick. I want to make a peace offering but it doesn’t seem like a good day for that. I don’t know. My mom used to promise to do better but she never did. I know now she couldn’t. I no longer speak to her but I see her around sometimes. She’s very bitter and pissed off. Is that my destiny? I am upset with myself for hurting the people I love.

I hope I don’t get in trouble here for posting too much. It’s helping me to put these words out there.

I was thinking BPD means living in a different reality. I can’t see myself the way my family does. I think it’s more like I don’t want to see it. I’ve seen bits and pieces in R but only the surface things. In my fantasy everyone else has the problem not me. I am blameless. I am a victim. I am helpless. The truth is I’ve done some really really bad things. I’m an abuser. I am mean. I am cold. I am uncaring. I am far from helpless.

I want to fix this. I don’t know how and I hope it’s not too late. I don’t want to be a monster anymore. I don’t know how to stop it though when it takes over.

How well do you understand BPD? The affect, the cognitive, psychologically, behaviorally? All of this you deal with everyday.

I hope I don’t get in trouble here for posting too much. It’s helping me to put these words out there.

Post as much as you need to. That's the purpose of the site

How well do you understand BPD? The affect, the cognitive, psychologically, behaviorally? All of this you deal with everyday.

I've studied it since I first learned about it which was probably 9 years ago (I've since gotten an official dx). I was trying to fix it but what I didn't know was that I was also bipolar (thanks therapists who missed the neon sign of symptoms that I told you about).

I think I'm presently manic. It was triggered by 2 moves in 5 months (my dr says never ever move me). I started a new job. BH is not happy with me. I haven't slept much in months. Throw in some BPD and well fun fun.

BH came home this morning. He wants space so I will give him that (I am calm and somewhat lucid I think I'm never quite sure). We talked for an hour and then I thanked him for his time and walked away. I walked on the treadmill for an hour and now I'm doing our taxes and bills.

I can't type much because BH is here. He will leave in a bit. I'm not sure how to answer these questions. Oh and I'm listening to Christian music which is odd. I turned away from any kind of faith not long after d-day. God abandoned me too right? I'm back because I need something, someone. I feel so alone.

Wait I can't be lucid because all I hear in my head right now is "you suck" which is ironic because "isuck" was my user name when I first got here. BH says his parents spent the weekend apart doing chores and that is "normal". He wants to be "normal". When he came home this morning I was in bed watching Fireproof (I know - stupidest movie ever). I turned it off and he was all chit chatty. "Want to do something?" I said I will work on chores. He said is this from our talk yesterday? Yes. Can I lay down with you? Sure. I couldn't look him in the eye. He hates me you know. I suck you know. I can't be alone you know. I'm a stage 5 clinger clearly. My head started pounding. I said I'm going to go get something eat. He followed. We ate and chatted. This is when I got up and left after we'd talked for 1-2 hours. I was NICE. No sarcasm whatsoever. I feel defeated, drained, alone, like I'm a shitty person deserving of nothing really. I'm surprisingly ok with this. I acknowledge that this is just me battling with having to sit with my own feelings. With having to let him go. He deserves to be free. I will be nice today. He offered to help me. I said with taxes and bills? That ended that conversation.

He took a shower and left. He's just picking up the groceries (online ordering is the greatest invention ever). He'll run a few errands. Hopefully he will enjoy the fresh air. He gave me a kiss before he left and I didn't pull away or anything. I'm not mad. This is part of the crazy. The cycle of quiet, the build up, the unleashing, and finally regret. I'm in the quiet phase.

I have to work on coping with the buildup. I know my triggers. BH not texting me. BH ignoring me. BH not initiating sex (we're at every 2 weeks now and I hate it). Sex is a REALLY big deal to me. See BPD manifests itself in close relationships. BH would have sex with me more often if I initiate but I don't know. I'm sick of being the only one that cares about sex. At least at the end of the 2 weeks I get to experience him lusting after me even if it's for only a day. I don't even know if this would soothe me. Probably not.

I've only had 6 partners including BH and this is what is sad. 3 of them complained that all I cared about was sex. The least common denominator in all your unsatisfying relationships is YOU so it's me. Thing is I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong but clearly I'm doing something. BH says I seem angry all the time. Says I don't act like I even want him. I can see that.

[This message edited by Root at 1:55 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]

Hi Root, I hope you keep posting. Sometimes I have no idea if people read my writing but it helps me to write, so I keep writing. I hope you do the same.

I have been thinking about you and I have two thoughts. I realize more and more that what I think is sometimes flat wrong! But here they are, for what they are worth.

You sounds like you are scared of your own power. You feel so powerful - to ruin your husband's life, ruin your children's lives, ruin your own life, even to take your own life (through poor care of your kidneys). It's terrifying to feel that much power to hurt. Maybe you are not quite as powerful as you think. Maybe your husband chooses to be with you because that's what he wants, and your children will figure it out. Read FollowtheRiver. I doubt your children's story is that bad and look at the life she made! Not that you should deliberately hurt people, obviously, but I think it might help to dial back the power you think you have.

And this - I find solace in a lot of places. In the bible, for the guidance to how to live but also the shared experience of millenium of people searching for answers with mixed success (esp Psalms). In music, in poetry, in stories that I read or make up, all over the place. Here's a poem for you. I have no idea if you will like it! You can take it back with a gift receipt and find another that you like better :)

The Lonely Soul by anto thermadam

Lonely are the nights

Lonely are the days

Lonely am I, in so many ways

Lonely are the seasons

Lonely are the years

So lonely am I, that it brings tears.

Lonely is this place

Lonely is my life

Lonely am I, that I reach for a knife

Lonely is this court room

Lonely is my sentence

So lonely am I that I ask for repentance.

Ok I looked up the BPD cycle. It goes like this:

1) Painful event - Many times its absolutely TRUE like when BH didn't text me while out of town. This triggers an emotional response.

2) BH resists - "its not that bad", "you're overreacting", "I was busy" Whatever. He's dismissing my feelings.

3) Fears are ignited - This is when I act out.

4) BH becomes confused - reacts in one of three ways. Fight back, logically explain why I'm wrong, or withdraw.

5) Self harm and dissociation - drinking, wanting an AP, pills, binge eating, etc

6) lather, rinse repeat.

So really I'm in the waiting for another painful event. Ugh

So you are on Step 5 right now. Holding steady for another painful event.

Do you things that sometimes work at each step that are not destructive? (example - under 5 you could put "writing on SI")

So really I'm in the waiting for another painful event. Ugh 

Well of course you are, because...

I know what to do I just don’t want to do it. Excuses I’m full of excuses. I don’t see the benefit of any of this. BH is going to leave anyway right? It’s too late.

And then you'll come on here yet again, with another provocative post like this one, seeking attention and validation rather than actually doing any work on yourself.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

BPD is NOT a life sentence - studies have shown that many people go into remission and no longer meet the criteria for BPD (even without therapy) by the time they are in their 40's and 50's. Some even work hard on themselves and go on to recover.

You have access to a psychiatrist, a therapist, medication - a lot more than some people do - and yet you don't seem to want to do anything to actually heal yourself.

Why do you think that is? (Legitimate question, no snark intended).

Yesterday I focused on meeting my own needs instead of expecting BH to do it for me. 6 hours. I didn’t punish BH for it either. Saturday night I watched a movie of her choice with my daughter instead of wallowing. I exercised. I ate pretty well. I took my meds and slept through the night. It’s a start.

Oh and I am angry that you called my posts attention seeking, even if it’s true it’s a mean thing to say.

[This message edited by Root at 7:30 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

You did a great job in finding you way past this. I could tell you were/are manic at the time of this post. That is also good that you recognize this. as well. Now you can try and identify the areas that you need to improve as well as identify areas are strong. Then practice implementing these coping skills and strategies. God, I am sounding like my Case Manager self. Just tell me to stop it...lol

Oh and I am angry that you called my posts attention seeking, even if it’s true it’s a mean thing to say.

I didn't read through to see who did that, but if it is true...why is it a mean thing to say?

Do you really need to go off your meds to see what your children see? Don't you already from your experiences with your own mother?

Hope you are feeling some pride in your last post.

Yesterday I focused on meeting my own needs instead of expecting BH to do it for me. 6 hours. I didn’t punish BH for it either. Saturday night I watched a movie of her choice with my daughter instead of wallowing. I exercised. I ate pretty well. I took my meds and slept through the night. It’s a start.

You should. You chose the hard road and to do it. You didn't sit and give excuses. Build on that.

Do you think you are doing everything for the wrong reasons? Not that getting better for your daughters is a wrong reason. Just that you have to have the desire to do it for yourself first. You may never be cured of being BPD, can you settle for at least fighting it? Can you put your goals a little lower? Baby steps? Take pride that you did this right and that right. Take pride that you made this choice this day.

Oh and I am angry that you called my posts attention seeking, even if it’s true it’s a mean thing to say.

There was a lot more to my post than pointing out your attention seeking behaviours (which you have admitted to doing yourself), specifically the fact that you openly admitted in this very thread that you "know what to do", "but don't want to do it".

You don't want to do the work to get yourself better.

Why?

Because you might have to let go of your victim mentality/role? Because then you wouldn't be the centre of attention? Because you'd have to actually take responsibility for yourself? Because you don't feel you're worth it? Because you've convinced yourself you'll never get better?

Why don't you want to do the work to get better Root?

I read recently that people like me refuse to be happy because being miserable gets me the attention I want. For example if I took my parents anger and shame, if I were miserable that made them happy. I expressed their feelings I was rewarded.

I can apply this same logic to BH. If I act out when he leaves he won’t leave. If he leaves he knows I will punish him so he stays as much as he can to avoid my anger. It works. On the flip side if I’m having a good day he runs away. He wants to take full advantage of that good day by leaving. Being happy makes him leave. That doesn’t work. I get more of what I want from being miserable. Crazy right?

Think about troubled kids. They act out to get attention. Once they improve even slightly the parents revert back to the original behavior that triggered the acting out in the first place.

I don’t want this. 

You say you don't want this, yet you seem unwilling to invest the time or energy into doing anything to change it.

What would happen to you if you didn't get attention? Do you feel you would cease to exist? Why is getting attention, be it good or bad, so important for you?

I don’t know whether I had DBT or CBT therapy.

I had asked you about DBT a while back and you claimed to have done it. If that's, in fact, the case, why are you not using the skills you would have learned in DBT to self-soothe, be mindful, regulate your emotions, and tolerate distress?

Besides CBT, DBT, and meds, what else have you tried? Schema therapy? Mentalization therapy? Transference-focused therapy? STEPPS?

I’ve been in and out of IC for 20 years. Thousands and thousands of dollars on 6 therapists who misdiagnosed me. Put me on meds that made me worse. I was a cash cow to one of them. I decided to take a break. I’m burned out. Got tired of bad advice. I’ve learned more here than I ever did in therapy in regards to infidelity and BPD too honestly.

And how's the lack of therapy working out for you? Doesn't seem like it's going very well from an outside perspective (based on everything you've posted so far in this thread).

I’m on lamictal and Ativan

.

It sounds like you may need an adjustment in your Lamictal dosage or you may need to try a new mood stabilizer altogether. Is there a reason why you aren't on an antidepressant along with the mood stabilizer? How often are your meds being reviewed right now? Why are you not being followed by a psychiatrist?

Root

How are you doing today?

It might be good to check in, I don't know much about BPD, but does letting the crazy out help? If so continue putting it out here.

There no harm in attention seeking if it's helping you through. If it's part of the journey to be able to safely be vulnerable with your BH then be vulnerable here where you seem to see the value in the buffer lanes the people on this site provide.

Ultimately you need to get to a place where you can open up to you BH, in a safe constructive way. You know who you are, hiding it from him ultimately won't help, but it's on you to find the ways to bring it to the table safely and constructively.

Example, over simplified.

"BH, I know you want to be able to leave the house without me freaking out, I want that to. I am working hard on making that a reality. I do not want you to feel like you are on a leash while you are away, but it would help me if I was able to message you once every two hours and receive a response within 30 minutes. I am sorry I have to ask for this, but I believe it will help me. Is that something you would be willing to consider?"

Others may have a differing opinion but that seems healthy to me. You would be recognising his needs, working to them and making them a priority. You are being hinest avout your ability to achieve them, because you can't magically be different.

Any ways that's my two cents.

Let us know how you are doing.

ETA: I really don't know much about the effects of BPD. If the above advice is counter productive then obviously discard it.

[This message edited by ChangeMe1 at 8:34 AM, February 12th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

Hi Root.

You just popped into my head & I hope you're hanging in there.

Every single thing you felt like doing is very self destructive....do you want to self destruct? or do you not know what to do with pain? there is a difference..

MY WH was very self destructive...he thought every thing you listed was fun...to take the stress off...and he destroyed our entire lives...he is now destroying a successful career with the same behavior...

I wanted to R...I loved him...I loved him dearly...I would never cheat...yet his continued patterns of self destruction killed everything...I never understood this...I was waiting...I was willing...HE had to want me...he had to want this..he didn't know how to deal with stress or pain...and he caused more stress with the fallout of his actions of drinking, cheating etc. Then he would panic...it was a vicious circle a destroying pattern..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:31 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

Root, I'm going to repost this here, because you've never answered me.

Do you have anyone besides us to confide in?

Do you have a church family?

My wife and I both find a lot of comfort through the support of our church.

I'm in a class of about 37 or so men that have faced every obstacle under the sun. We pray for each other and lift each other up. We hold each other accountable when necessary.

My wife is in a class called "Freedom". She has the same kind of support I have. The class is about being free from your past.

Our motto is "You don't have to do life alone!". Please reach out to others for help.