SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday may have been the hardest day so far. It started with a 2 hour consultation with the lawyer and a short breakdown in the bathroom. Then, I was able to meet with my IC for the first time since the latest Dday. By the time I talked to her about all that had happened in just a week, there wasn't much time to dig in, so I am returning next week.

This was followed by a meeting about my daughter having to move schools which just adds to the current shattering of her world. Then, to top it off, my wife and I met with our family coach and rehashed everything one more time. The purpose of this coach is for us to help best help our daughter. After this, I told my WS that I just need space and time. It was just all so overwhelming and only increased my anger because I am thinking this is all the effect of your actions. The only thing I have stopped short of is making the final decision to file for divorce. I told her I just need to make sure I am not thinking completely from a state of anger and that my mind needs to be totally clear about what is next. Today, I actually feel better like some weight has been lifted after yesterday and I actually got more than 4 hours of sleep with some help (Advil PM). I can see why this website is based on surviving because this is definitely a battle.

Also make sure you are eating ok and drinking enough water. We’ve had a few BS’s pass out and end up in the hospital because of this.

You do not need to rush to a decision. But you at the very least need to decide for yourself what she could possibly do now for you even to consider trying R again. Whether or not you communicate that to her right now is your call. Again, no rush. You own the timetable for either D or R. And you can follow the same path for both for a while before forking off to one or the other.

You’ve received good advice here already. Perhaps go back and read thru this thread to help you organize your thoughts. Perhaps start writing them down.

What is your WS saying and doing these days about things. Is she being constructive or destructive in her approach to what she did and her wayward behavior?

We met with a family counselor that has been working with us and the issues are daughter has been having. He said is agenda is not to get us back together, but to help our family move to a place where we are the best position to help our daughter, even if that means divorce. He suggested we take care of ourselves first before we try to figure anything out. I spent most of the weekend apart from her and returned to a book that helped me the after the first series of affairs (Living and Loving after Betrayal-which is great). This book has always helped me to return to a better mental place and focuses on self healing before even thinking much about what to do about the relationship (which is impossible in this state). The counselor said I tend to make all of my decisions based on how I think it will impact others and not myself, so I am spending time trying to quiet down a bit and also exercising just trying to get a better sense of what I truly want. I just hate this place where it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Yes, there is power knowing these decisions are ultimately up to me, but this also seems like a great burden. The counselor said he could tell my wife had lost respect for each other a long time ago and challenged us to reestablish this no matter what because we will at least always be parents together. Just feeling weak today while trying to constantly remind myself I have been strong and can be strong.

I have been strong and can be strong

This is obvious to me. Posting here takes strength to begin with. You are exposing your story to fellow Betrayed in the hope of getting some help. Keep posting.

You are strong and taking care of yourself is a great step. Give yourself some time and space to heal.

Hey....I'm sorry you're in this mess. It's not something you deserve. Stay strong and focus on living the best version of your life. Keep checking in ...you are not alone.

I am doing a bit better today relative to earlier in the week. Tuesday and Wednesday nights I hardly slept-maybe 2-3 hours and by Thursday, I just felt ready to break down. My counseling helped me to process some of my thinking, and I felt a bit better, but it was also difficult because my mind was so fried. Before counseling, I had already called my doc to come in and talk about medication for insomnia. In the meantime, a relative gave me some valium Thursday night which did help, and I felt better yesterday but not great. The doc gave me trazadone which helps with sleep, anxiety, and depression and I slept better the last two nights even after having a 2 hour nap before bedtime. We also went back to the family counselor this morning. We had a really hard conversation but got some things out that have been buried. He is trying to work with us on our individual reasons for holding back many of our feelings for so many years. He said I am strong and that I need to put myself into these uncomfortable conversations and express my true feelings to show myself my strength. His thinking is I won't be able to move forward and past the insomnia, lack of eating, etc. until I really express my true feelings, and that regardless of what happens, I won't truly be able to be content and to fully communicate with my kids until this happens. For her, it was also about learning to love herself and not trying to validate herself based on other people's feelings. He also talked to her about her need to be in control and that she needs to let that go. He stressed that her personal challenges do not justify the messages she sent and that we still have choices. I trust his perspective and am working to trust this process and to focus on really trusting myself instead of acting on what other people say and feel whether that is feeling bad for her because of guilt or feeling guilty because of the kid's anger. My own therapist said I need to listen to other perspectives and figure out what resonates but also to not let my empathy extend to the point of causing myself harm. Both therapists said this can be a long process but the goal is to be healthy moving forward, whatever that looks like. It is hard to live with the murkiness, but that is just the reality at this point. I am going to focus on working with uncomfortable in meditation and being honest with her about my feelings and perspective and not saying something just because I feel guilty or because I think it is what she wants to hear. I think the medication is helping, so getting some sleep should help as well.

Bud, her actions were well planned and premeditated. This didn't just happen.

Life is very short. Stop wasting it.

The best predictor of the future is past history.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:47 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]

Thanks for the update. Your counselor sounds really good. From what you explained it is all good, working on your own priorities and trusting your own judgement. Improving your own communication skills. That can’t help but help you moving forward.

I'm not sure, skyrun, but did you get a VAR to carry at all times you will be in contact with her? False DV charges are not uncommon.

Skyrun, step back and look at what is happening to you. Your body is breaking down from all the stress. Please look after your health. Valium from a relative. More medications. Life shouldn’t be like this. You owe it to your kids to be as healthy as possible. And be strong in your decisions.

Skyrun,

I haven't been around here much lately due to just being very busy IRL. I just saw your thread for the first time and read it through.

You have handled everything damn near as well as you possibly could have so far.

The only thing I want to add is that the hard part is coming. You can expect tons more of crying, love bombing, minimizing, blameshifting and when none ofthat has the desired effect, anger, resentment and vindictiveness. I want you to constantly remind yourself that this wasn't just one little slip. She was planning (is planning? Did she call it off?) on working with himand having an ongoing affair.

Stay strong, brother.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:40 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]

Hey Skyrun,

Please take care of yourself. I know how hard this is.

I was on an infidelity merry-go-round and it felt impossible to climb off. You are doing great.

It’s going to be really, really difficult. Your WW is likely going to pull every trick in the book to stop you because it worked in the past. Don’t fall for it.

SERIAL CHEATERS DON’T CHANGE. Remember that each time she tries.

How are you doing this week Skyrun?

It touches my heart to have someone check on me and to continue to hear such great advice. My cousin reached out to me randomly this week as if she could just tell something was up. I am trying to practice mindfulness and learn to hear the wisdom of the universe and those around me.

I should remember from before how hard this is, but it feels like torture. The roller coaster of emotions, few of them pleasant, is exhausting. I am not sleeping great even on meds and still have to force food sometimes because my stomach is so tight and churning.

I am trying to focus on getting myself strong and there are moments when I start to feel this way and then feel weakened the next day (or hour). I am working through the healing library and other resources that have been super helpful.

Therapy continues to push me to yes, take my space, but also to express myself honestly without editing my words. I have always done this and tended to swallow my words and feelings in order to not upset others. So, I am keeping my boundaries and starting to express to my spouse the degree of pain I am in along with how I see her as overbearing. She read me a long reflection on our history and her desire to my forward, and I told her this just doesn't move me at this point. My heart just feels hard to these attempts. The prior night she read that experts suggest that intimacy and touch is important to working through this. I just told her this is not what I am feeling and that this just feels wrong at this point. The family therapist still feels I am holding back too much and will not be able to move forward until I fully express the complete truth without being impacted by her pleas and emotional expressions. At first I didn't buy into this, but when I have been able to better express myself, I do feel a sense of liberation. I take my space otherwise to do my individual reflection and work. But I feel no sense yet that this is going to work for me, but I want to feel I am in a stronger and healthier place when I make my overall decision. I know she is trying, but I feel it may be too little, too late and don't feel inclined to put the hard work back into our relationship.

I am curious about something else which is rather awkward, but I getting used to laying everything on the table. The other night she caught me in the shower having a moment to myself. We have had a mostly sexless marriage since the affairs a few years ago. I told her I started doing this then and do so occasionally to meet this need and release stress and anxiety. I think she thinks well, now we are even because you are thinking of other women and looking at pictures online. I told her this just isn't the same but that I would stop for now (but I don't know that I feel I should). I am sure many of you are seeing red flags, and I appreciate you helping me to continue to see these and to help me see my blind spots.

I was also curious what has given people the most strength. I am struggling with this.

Skyrun, I am a woman. What you are doing is normal behavior in men and women. Stop beating yourself up.

I just read through your thread, and I am so sorry for the pain and anguish you're going through. Your wife is a serial cheater, and it doesn't sound like that will ever change. It's disgusting that she's trying to create a false equivalency between her continued cheating and you masturbating in the shower. How dare she??!! I'm so angry for you. You've been such a loving, forgiving, loyal husband to her when she clearly doesn't deserve it one bit, and she has the nerve to guilt you for jerking off once in awhile?? You deserve so much better than this selfish manipulative woman. It's also gross that she's pressuring you for intimacy. Why the hell would you want to be intimate with her?? She is seriously delusional.

It's wonderful you are making so much progress in therapy, but I think the best thing you can do for your mental health is get far away from this vile awful woman. I don't think she'll ever change, and honestly she's not even worth the effort it would take to fix this. Put that effort into working on yourself, your children, and your own happiness. I truly hope one day you find a woman just as loving and loyal as you. You deserve nothing less.

Dude, she is trying to somehow equate you wanking in the shower to her fucking other men? That's ludicrous.

Tell her if she really sees it as being the same, that you guys can R and y'all can have an open marriage. However, she will only be allowed to masturbate, while you can see other women. I mean, same thing, right?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:43 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]