SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is that so hard for us to do?? The answer is NO and for all of you WW that get it, ALREADY KNOW this is just what life looks like if you decide you really love your BS and want to come back together and hopefully stronger than ever.

I respectfully disagree.

If you want to lecture us, BS and WS alike, then that is your prerogative since this is your thread.

Where is your sympathy for the VICTIM?

Victimhood is a temporary status. Once the power of choice is regained, we are no longer victims. We are all adults; we all have the freedom to choose. I choose to not have sympathy for those who are willingly embracing self-destruction despite having the benefit of awareness and also those who traffic in abusive tactics. You have the freedom and power to choose to see it a different way. Therefore, I respect this is your choice.

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:13 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

SelfishCheater,

Not here to give much advice, but I am sending you hugs and positive vibes. I hope you find a way to process your feelings(pay attention to the memories that comes with those feelings) and see your worth. To be able to build yourself up and be the best version of you. Take care

I have no sympathy for people like your H who go after underage teens. No matter how smart or precocious the teen. It isn’t right and they aren’t ready. Now you’re locked into a stage of development with him basically as he has abused and traumatized you and you don’t know any different.

Not saying you hear no responsibility of course, but it was never fair.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 12:57 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

SC - Please correct me on any of the facts below if they are wrong.

1. You are NOT a wayward spouse.

2. You were a CHILD when this happened.

3. He is NOT a betrayed spouse.

4. He was a GROWN MAN when this happened.

5. You had not in fact even met him when this happened.

6. You were not in a committed relationship with him when this happened.

7. He was also seeing other people when this happened, yet somehow that is fine.

8. He is claiming victimhood for something he has no right to claim.

9. Sooo, you slept with someone else before him. I am pretty sure the majority of the people on this site probably slept with other people before their spouse.

10. I would hazard a guess that a majority of women on this site probably lost their virginity to someone other than their spouse.

11. He knew you had lost your virginity to another person during a time when you and him were not in fact even in a relationship at all and yet he married you knowing that.

The definition of infidelity is as follows: noun: infidelity; plural noun: infidelities

1. the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.

So according to this definition, what you did does NOT even fit the definition of infidelity because he wasn't your spouse or your sexual partner at this time. You were not in fact even in any sort of relationship with one another when the alleged infidelity occurred.

What you need to realize here is that for BS's reading through this, people who have had their actual married-in-a-church, spoke-vows SPOUSE cheat on them, or their long-term, lived-with-them, smelled-their-morning-breath significant other cheat on them; well it is frankly insulting that your now H is trying to put himself on the same playing field. Understand I am not trying to invalidate whatever hurts he says are there, but his situation is NOT the same. It would be like someone that tripped and fell and skinned their knee saying that their pain is equal to someone who had been hit by a car. Both might leave road rash, but they are not even remotely the same.

For the waywards on here that cheated on their actual husband/wife/significant other that they lived with/had kids with/married etc, you claiming to be in the same pen with them stretches the bounds of belief. And I would hazard to guess it is probably difficult for them to see you in the same light as themselves. And for those WS's here trying to do the work necessary to get their lives back on track, it is probably as disturbing for them as it is for BS's. Just my thoughts on it.

All of that said - please get into therapy and hopefully your H will too. This relationship seems rather fraught and dysfunctional.

I feel so sorry for you, OP. It's like you've got a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome and you can't see what we see. You are NOT responsible for "cheating" as a 14 year-old. Understand please that the prefrontal cortex of the human brain isn't even fully developed until we're in our mid-twenties. That's why juveniles who commit crimes are tried in separate courts and why their records are expunged at 18. It's why we don't allow them to drink, smoke, vote, or marry without special permissions. Look it up using keywords like... "immature prefrontal cortex judgment".

Your husband is NOT a "betrayed spouse". He's blameshifting from his own angst (or his own grandiosity) and taking it out on you. It's not your job to "heal" him. Even in REAL cases of infidelity, the BS has to take responsibility for their own, individual healing experience. It's not fair, but that's the nature of life... often unfair.

You don't have any personal experience yet with what a healthy relationship looks like. Please understand that people who love you, truly love you, don't behave this way.

ETA: I want you to notice what happened when you tried to open a dialogue. You poured out your heart and your concerns, but he answered that with divorce papers. IOW, he'd rather intimidate you to silence than to actually resolve the issue. You're living with someone who has not only failed to empathize with you but has no compassion for you, and who has stuffed a gag in your mouth in the form of the constant threat of abandonment. To be frank, he'd either get into counseling with me or I'd get an attorney and take him up on it.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

ETA: I want you to notice what happened when you tried to open a dialogue. You poured out your heart and your concerns, but he answered that with divorce papers. IOW, he'd rather intimidate you to silence than to actually resolve the issue. You're living with someone who has not only failed to empathize with you, who has no compassion for you, and who has stuffed a gag in your mouth in the form of the constant threat of abandonment. To be frank, he'd either get into counseling with me or I'd get an attorney and take him up on it.

Most importantly - they were divorce papers that he didn't sign. He wouldn't print them out. He wouldn't get a lawyer to have you served. He made an empty threat and when you called his bluff, he back peddled HARD and manipulated you back into believing his lies.

Just ask yourself - if you're such a terrible, gas lighting, lying, selfish WW, WHY in the world would he not graciously sign those divorce papers?Why would he even bother staying with you when you have caused him 20 years of pain? Shouldn't he be overjoyed that you handed him a divorce on a silver platter? But no! Suddenly he's talking about reconciling and how you need to put in more effort to fix this imaginary problem he's created! See how he turned that around on you so quickly?

He doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't truly believe you're an evil WW. Otherwise he'd be skipping to a lawyer's office and ending 20 years of misery.

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:13 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Do you have children?

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:14 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

I think that you are echoing your H’s words at us. For instance, he is telling you he forgave you, but the problem is your actions now. I think since your “I was wrong” post, you are telling us what he has told you to reel you back in. It reeks of manipulation. I really think you need therapy. You need someone who can see this for what it is. I really wish you the best. You are deeply entwined with him, and I urge you to get perspective from someone healthy who has your interests at heart. I fear this may only be a good therapist.

This is propaganda crap that I don't agree with and the only reason it has become accepted in society today (where infidelity is concerned) is because no one is taking proper responsibility for their actions.

No. That's the experience of being married more than 30 years when your spouse goes on a Craigslist binge and stabs you in the back like all those years meant nothing. That's the observation and studyof infidelity for more years than you've even been married. If your H thinks it's your job to "heal" him from some sordid incident you engaged in as a juvenile... that's him not taking responsibility for his own current mental state. We are each only as happy as we allow ourselves to be. He wants to wallow in misery? That's his CHOICE, not your job.

Please get some meaningful help for yourself and don't spend your life in a toxic dynamic. It goes by quicker than you think.

I hope one day you can find the strength to help yourself. Your husband is sick and is in no humanly possible way shape or form like any betrayed spouse. I wish I could give him a small piece of my pain on my d day so he would see. But he is sick and has in turn made you sick. I wish you the best.

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:14 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

If all this (I think misguided) self flagellation helps you feel better, then knock yourself out. My heart goes out to you, but everyone else can see this is a bad situation.

You are in pain and in a problematic relationship that has been rotten from its inception because of him. You are locked in to your bond with him and nothing we say can help. I do wish you well and hope you find peace, please seek help and consider opening up to those who do not view him as you do.

I worry you are too far gone to really save yourself from this dynamic. I worry your entire sense of self has structured itself around him and ultimately he is on a pedestal for you - any objective view of him let alone negative is repellant to you - and you have put yourself far beneath him and that is where you will likely stay. I hope I am wrong.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 5:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

I am not willing to compare the actions of my WW with a 14 year old girl discovering her sexuality while under the thumb of a 20 year old predator

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:15 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

What does it mean for you to be a hero?

You came here for help and are lashing out now that your worldview has been threatened. I hope you can get IRL support soon from someone not your H. This is a lot and it doesn’t sound healthy for you.

I'm not asking you to compare your WW to me and my BS is not like any of you. None of us are in the same boat here...

This is exactly what everyone has been telling you.

I am just really confused at your insistence here. No one wants to have infidelity in their life. And you didn't cheat and your H wasn't cheated on so your stance here is not making much sense. Most people wold be relieved to have people telling them they didn't cheat... but it just seems to make you upset.

When all the BS's and WS's on here are flat out telling you that your situation is NOT INFIDELITY (because it isn't infidelity even by the loosest definition) why on earth are you so bound and determined to bend your circumstances to fit into an infidelity framework? Why would you want infidelity to be in your life in any way?

I too want to know what EllieKMAS wants to know.