SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If I choose to stay I want to make sure it’s the right choice

That is a bullshit requirement.

Life is risky.

Deal with your own anger, grief, fear and shame that goes with being a BS.

Deal with your own anger, grief, fear and shame that goes with being a wS.

Deal with your own anger, grief, fear and shame that you brought into your relationship at the start.

Until you do that, you'll probably stay stuck as a remorseless WS ho doesn't know what he wants to do.

I don't know whether D or R is better for you, but I'd bet a lot that you're stuck because of all the contradictory thoughts and feelings that keep running around your head and body or that you're stuffing the thoughts and feelings.

Right now, both D & R are open to you, if you do the necessary work. A good therapist/IC will help you figure out what you want.

I just need to mention once again I was faithful to her for 29 years. I wanted none of this. I’m not wanting revenge. I just want to know if staying is right. Yes I still love her but I just want to know if staying is right

I guess I am not truly feeling “safe” with her. I do feel she will never do this again but the way I got info about what she did is still on my mind. I found out by an anonymous tip. When confronted my wife never gave unsolicited info. I needed to pry deep and find out for myself from others. She just did not deny the facts I presented. For this reason I feel in easy. Had she gave me info herself I may have had more trust in her. I guess trust can be re built but I know it will take a long time with me.

I’ve been a good husband for almost 3 decades. I wanted none of this. I was looking forward to growing old with my wife before this happened. The rest of my life starts now. Am I wrong for wanting to be sure what I’m doing is right? I’m being mean to my wife now? I did not start this , she did. Now, I will feel nd out what I need /want. I want it to be my wife but I will make sure it’s the right thing to do. People here ( dome ) seem to have an all or nothing approach to marriage. I feel a strong need to make sure what I do is the right thing for ME now. Yes..... me. I’ve given 3 decades of my life to her. I now feel I deserve a good relationship with or without her. My attempts to work this out while living with her is to have as little impact on our kids as possible

I feel I need to move out and “find myself”. Is finding myself selfish? I feel it’s reasonable after what she put me though

In my state a divorce is a financial disaster. If I go it alone I will remain married to her unless I ever re marry ..... which I probably never will. My wife feels the same. This move will be for our children’s benefit of course

I just need to mention once again I was faithful to her for 29 years. I wanted none of this. I’m not wanting revenge. I just want to know if staying is right. Yes I still love her but I just want to know if staying is right

I guess I am not truly feeling “safe” with her. I do feel she will never do this again but the way I got info about what she did is still on my mind. I found out by an anonymous tip. When confronted my wife never gave unsolicited info. I needed to pry deep and find out for myself from others. She just did not deny the facts I presented. For this reason I feel in easy. Had she gave me info herself I may have had more trust in her. I guess trust can be re built but I know it will take a long time with me.

I’ve been a good husband for almost 3 decades. I wanted none of this. I was looking forward to growing old with my wife before this happened. The rest of my life starts now. Am I wrong for wanting to be sure what I’m doing is right? I’m being mean to my wife now? I did not start this , she did. Now, I will feel nd out what I need /want. I want it to be my wife but I will make sure it’s the right thing to do. People here ( dome ) seem to have an all or nothing approach to marriage. I feel a strong need to make sure what I do is the right thing for ME now. Yes..... me. I’ve given 3 decades of my life to her. I now feel I deserve a good relationship with or without her. My attempts to work this out while living with her is to have as little impact on our kids as possible

I feel I need to move out and “find myself”. Is finding myself selfish? I feel it’s reasonable after what she put me though

In my state a divorce is a financial disaster. If I go it alone I will remain married to her unless I ever re marry ..... which I probably never will. My wife feels the same. This move will be for our children’s benefit of course

So you were a good,faithful husband, for decades..until you weren't.

And she was a good, faithful wife for decades,until she wasn't.

You fail to see that you have been unfaithful. You feel zero remorse. Therefore, while your remorseful wife is a good candidate for R, you are not.

I am remorseful now but I plow through with finding what I feel I need. I will be ready for R when I know staying is the right thing to do

I must confess........I was suicidal just before going to the Ukraine. It was a desperate act to save my destroyed sense of self worth and ruined self esteem. I truly can say with confidence had I not gone to the Ukraine I very well may have shot myself in the head. Going to the Ukraine a good thing? No. Was it better than blowing my brains out? Yes

I am remorseful now but I plow through with finding what I feel I need. I will be ready for R when I know staying is the right thing to do

I must confess........I was suicidal just before going to the Ukraine. It was a desperate act to save my destroyed sense of self worth and ruined self esteem. I truly can say with confidence had I not gone to the Ukraine I very well may have shot myself in the head. Going to the Ukraine a good thing? No. Was it better than blowing my brains out? Yes

I see where you are coming from. I too had an urge to go to Vegas and spend a week banging hookers but didn't go through with it.

I'm glad you didn't go through with suicide, although having revenge affairs did cause you to lose your moral high ground. Does your WW seem motivated at all to save the marriage?

“I'm glad you didn't go through with suicide, although having revenge affairs did cause you to lose your moral high ground. Does your WW seem motivated at all to save the marriage?“

Yes..... she has been doing much to make things work. I do feel “wrong” for not being as motivated as she is. I feel I will be as motivated if and when I know I want her and my marriage

FYI........ I went to the Ukraine not angry. I swear to God! I went for reasons stated. Purely to feel wanted, desired etc.... it hurts me to hear myself say that. I’ve always been a confident guy. This killed something in me that my wife could not fix. The one who did this (wife) can not repair what she broke. Only another woman/women could. Did it help me? Yes and no. It made me feel desired but made me feel bad for what I had done. If I could go back in time would I have not gone to the Ukraine? No. I still would have gone. Those women saved me even though they had no idea what was going on in my head. As I said..... I may have pulled the trigger if I didn’t. I can’t explain the feeling of pain , despair, embarrassment, worthlessness and hopelessness I felt. I bet many hear know the pain I was experiencing. We all deal with it differently. This is my way I guess. This is all uncharted waters for me so I do look to others who have experienced this. Many here will not understand me. That’s ok. I walk my mind through different scenarios and ways to recover with and without her. Done I know iin my heart it won’t work. Others say stuff that sticks. Some that sticks is not what I like to hear but that’s ok. In open to people’s opinions here. I’ve always been unorthodox in my approach to anything. I have a need to know definitively what the right thing to do is

The “right thing” depends on my path going forward. To stay or go..... I will not torture her as payback. This is horrific for both of us. The suffering is the price of working out my path in this life. The pain she is going through is her choice to deal with or not. If I am her “ the one” as she said when she was 15, she will need to let me figure my shit out. This is painful for her but it’s not intentional punishment. If she feels that strongly for me then that too will prove to me her love for me. There is a part of me that wants this to work out so I stay but I’m waiting for something that makes me say “wow.....she does really love me”. This will make me feel comfortable staying. I can’t make a blind choice to stay if it’s not genuine. If I stay it’s forever. I’m being completely honest with her. She knows how I feel. She knows my intentions. If I do move out to “ find myself” and date women I will tell my wife. I will also be totally honest to any woman I date. If I fall for another women I will tell my wife so she is aware. Is this fair for her? No it’s not. Is it fair for me? Also no. I wanted none of this. She created this nightmare so she can bail anytime she wants but if she wants me, she can watch and wait while I fix myself after SHE destroyed a good man who gave his entire existence to her and our children for over 2 decades

Out of curiosity, why did you feel entitled to cheat with multiple women in response to your wife cheating with one man?

Ks6691:

I think you have expressed your emotions and feelings very well. You are certainly not the first to feel emasculated and humiliated due to your WW’s A, and find some false sense of rebuilding your self worth by having sex yourself with other women in violation of your wedding vows. To each his own I say. Just speaking for myself I think it was the wrong thing to do and will only cause you more problems down the road. But as for your question as is it the right thing to do to stay with your WW. Time will tell. You will go through a whole gamut of emotions. Loving her, hating her, overcome with grief and then the next instant things don’t look so bad. You need to heal first and foremost. Get into IC if you can. Read in the healing library. Watch your WW’s actions, not her words. Is she totally committed and accepting the blame for her betrayal. Is she defensive when you get angry or keep asking the same questions. Is she getting IC and working on how she became so broken Time is your ally. Good luck.

“I did not cheat to get her back. I did it to fix my soul. She had a 5 month relationship. Feelings etc.... sure it was more of hook ups but I’m there was some connection

I had no such connection. What does it matter? It does to me. I never lied or deceived. I never snuck around or lied to her face. She did. There lies the difference

So you're planning to do what, in essence, you've already done? You've already had RAs and now you're trying to justify your intentions to cheat further.

To be clear, your wife is a cheater and you are a serial cheater. Your wife needs to go get tested for STIs after your repeated sex with these unknown women.

You say everyone knows your wife cheated, it's a small town etc. Do they also know your actions or is your wife the only one being judged?

If you separate then make sure your wife should have same options you do. If you want to date then IMO your wife should have the same option.

You've lost the moral highground, you and your wife are now on the same level except you admit she's trying to change and you're getting more and more wayward.

I want to be clear...... I did not nor did I ever want the “moral high ground”. My wish is to be her equal. She did not use protection. I did. She exposed herself me and my children. For this I still am very angry. We both have been tested and thank Gid we are negative for any disease. She had some kind of relationship that was her intermittent but was a relationship of sorts. She learned it was not what she wanted or needed. I only learned that women still find me attractive. This does not answer my questions....... should I stay? Or go?....... what is right?....... this was never in question before until she destroyed our bond

I’m a cheater? By the books yes. In my opinion it’s questionable. Once the bond was broken by her, our bond ( in my opinion) was broken. What the hell am I being faithful too or for? My marriage was over when she cheated. We still love each other yes but I no longer believe in marriage. I will not wear my ring or refer to her as my wife. I do not recognize our marriage or that day. I have removed all pictures of that lie.

Going forward if we stay together I told her I will refer to her as my partner. To me, a marriage is just an invisible line to cross

Like telling a room full of young children “ do not touch this shiny red button “ then leaving the room. You know that button will absolutely get pushed. People can’t help them selves. This is why the divorce rate is 60%. Monogamy is a joke

Oh...... and again, I never lied to her. Nope. I told her what I was doing and why. Cheater still? Ok that’s fine but lies and broken trust in my opinion are worse than the cheat. I never deceived her. She did not like what I did but I never lied. Those of you who have felt the sting of lies and broken trust know exactly what I’m saying

Ks6691,

No need to defend yourself. I agree with you. You are not a cheater in my eyes. She broke her vows and opened up the marriage. You told her you were going to experience other women. So be it. You were honest and straight with your intentions. I get it.

My fiance cheated less than a week after I proposed to her and she excepted. I was back home visiting family for the Christmas holiday, I was only gone a week. The hurt and humiliation I felt was nothing I could imagine at the time....

During this time, I told her she was free to see whomever, because I was now going to date other women. Dating other women helped my ego and self confidence after the bruising it took.

Unfortunately it worked too well. You see, after a 1/2 year of me openly dating other women, my fiance, decide this open relation was not working

for her. She asked that we reinvest in our relationship. 9 years later we married.

I still suffer through Antiversery triggers during these holiday season.

My wife, to the best of my judgment, has been a model wife. Great mother, good friend and lover. Honest, with apparent boundaries. However, part of me never really got over that original betrayal.

I was never able to fully trust her as she should be. I did not understand at the time what it took to heal from this injury. Because of that, I could never get back to the full emotional connection we had before.

I miss that. In hind-site, I wish I had just walked away. Don't be me... Spend your time now figuring out if this is a deal breaker for you.

Wishing you the best,

S.

Thank you S, and sorry to hear of your situation. It’s so hard. In my case, we have much history, we own several homes together ( that I busted my balls on while she cheated on me) and of course 2 children. I either can or can not tolerate her actions infidelity. I don’t know the answer yet. I want to stray with her but I don’t know if I can or if it is right. I’m in the “ finding out” phase of this. Also need to see if I’ll ever be able to trust her again. If I can’t, we must part. Add to this whether I can “ get past” what she did to me. I’m feeling like I may not be able to.

Some here are feeling sympathy for my wife. That’s ok. There is a part of me that feels terrible for her. She does have legit issues but those issues ( and her) crushed my soul and then lit fire to it. I feel for her but I’m going to be selfish for the first tine in my life. I’m in survival mode. She can worry about me, her us ...... what ever. I’m worrying about me and my kids. I will save her after I save myself this time around

There are some here who see everything in black and white. I think your RA lies in a grey area somewhere. I'm definitely not qualified to judge you. I think maybe you did what you felt you needed to do at the time. Now living with it is a different thing altogether.

You and your WW need lots of counseling. Bucketloads.

Yes we do and we are. I am seeing a psychotherapist as is my wife. I’ve done EMDR with some success. We are both going to a psychotherapist together for counseling

Actions over words........ I told my wife I need 100% truth now. I need her on meds to deal with her very real entirety disorder and depression. Her self esteem is and always was terrible. I forgot to mention her history of body image issues and eating disorders. A mess. If I am to stay I need to see her on medication and see improvements in her ability to communicate with me. Her anxiety d/o prevented her from talking to me about her needs. This lead her down her destructive path with another. I will not take her back ever if these issues are not actively being worked on aggressively

Just spoke to my wife about taking a polygraph. She is dead set against it. She says because of her anxiety disorder she feels she could never pass this test anyway. I feel she is just making excuses but wanted to ask anyone here who is very knowledgeable about poly tests. Is it true that extremely anxious people fail these even while telling the truth? I would imagine most are anxious taking these tests and the examiners take this into consideration right?

I am thinking of R but I need her to validate what she is saying now. She denies any other men and I also want to confirm the levels of sexual contact with the OM

Any advice?

Just spoke to my wife about taking a polygraph. She is dead set against it.

You have your answer. She is not telling the truth.

Polygraphs can be calibrated to account for nervous nellies. Hell, I can't think of anyone (except for a sociopath) who would not have the jitters being hooked up to a machine knowing that its results has your life hanging in the balance.

I'm sure others who are more well-versed in the polygraph arena can offer a better explanation, but the bottom line is your WW is masking behind anxiety. She certainly had no anxiety/depression when she stepped out of your M.

No test, no R. A tester will gage your WW with a bunch of pre questions before asking the serious ones. She knows she'll fail because she is lying.