SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Enjoy the physical act, if you want to, but keep your emotions separate. This does NOT mean that she has recommitted to you.

She misses sexting the OM and the way it made her feel. What your getting is a "shit test"!!! Chances are she's not gonna get the same results from sexting you....her husband.

I guess you'll know when y'all see each other.

IUH, it could also be that her EA opened up her mind to being sexual with you.

Keep an open mind, you know her best and will be able to tell exactly what and or who she is looking for.

I see a lot of discussion, a lot of compromise (from hoosiers side),there is a lot of to and froing, who knows at this rate it can probably go on for months..even years.

The point is all this talking, all these discussions are getting you nowhere. You know the story she's sticking to, that will never change. Even though you know what might have happened, physical or otherwise, you're still stuck in this question and answer loop where nothing ever changes and she's in total control.

When someone mentions "trapped" in a partner or marriage, that is not just a red flag, that is a 100 foot klaxon blowing down every building in to 10 mile radius.

Her explanations still are not of remorse but of I needed to do what I did because me me me me..

So to surmise. She's not totally sorry, she feels trapped, she's not sure about you as in the marriage...disregard any sextexting or the like, all this is dancing to a tune, while nothing is being addressed.

The minute you display strength, she flips it on you and texts something dirty..where is the context? Where did this come from? So she's horny, just forget everything previous and play along? Why?

You might want to tap into her phone and see if OM got same texts pictures. That is not uncommon either

When someone mentions "trapped" in a partner or marriage, that is not just a red flag, that is a 100 foot klaxon blowing down every building in to 10 mile radius.

Gently,

if you would like to know what "trapped" feels like, ask the majority of the BSs on this site who have had kids with the WS, & whose finances are so entwined, that even when the WS cheats AGAIN, they stay ----either for the kids/or because divorcing would mean that they would not be able to be part of their kids' everyday lives, or because divorcing would mean a life of poverty.

I agree with Craig - it may just be her opening up to you sexually. You are obviously in the best position to judge.

IUH

The overwhelming percentage of people in affairs ARE still having sex with their partners. And again, all of a sudden like a lightning bolt she has a sexual awakening for you after telling you last night she is not sure it will work and you have her trapped.

I think you know what HB is. if not look it up. Sex with you in a car is NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING that she has done and is still; doing to you. Mcchercheur has given you good advice on what to read. i suggest you do it.

The other posters who are giving you good advice have told you how "trapped" is a huge red flag for you. Please pay attention to that

i expect the closer you get to next Wednesday, MC day, the more affectionate she will be so that you may back off on your needs for that session. And she will use sex to try to do it.

And you may know her best, but not as well as you thought. Remember, you were clueless, thought your marriage was great, and that you had nothing to worry about before she went to Mexico for her Spring Break week end. So you do not know the woman you are living with right now as well as you thought. She fooled you pretty good, and if the POS was in US you would surely have been facing a full blown PA which still could have occurred anyway. It has only been a week since her last phone call to OM so i don't know how anyone can think you are in control here and that she has overnight developed major sexual desire for you and only you based on all of her behavior.

He wasn't born yesterday and isn't thinking with the small head. Just read his comment. I think she's trying anything and everything to stay in control. He's played this well given the crappymhand he was dealt. He ignored her recent withdrawal statements, ignored the text pseudo apology, and no doubt won't be swayed by the slit. That's got to be driving her nuts especially with a D hanging over her head. She doesn't want to leave, but sure doesn't want a subservient, remorseful position in the M. That's like admitting she was wrong, and she doesn't want to do that as I'm sure she thinks she had good reasons to flirt with and text Dudley Dowrong because off how IUH was treating her and failing to meet her precious emotional needs.

Lucky for IUH, Dudley proved to not meet her standards.

She really doesn't u derstand that trust, and therefore the M, is gone until,she straightens up and flies right.

Maybe I'm naive, but this might be a good sign.

She's been confused because she enjoyed the sexting with the OM. She knows it's wrong to be doing it with him, but it kind of recharged her. She wants you and now she's trying to spice up her love life with you. Maybe she's also trying to make amends and show you that she wants you.

of course, some of the others might be right. so go in with your wits about you. But why the hell not? Enjoy yourself! Go bang your wife in a parking lot. Try the hood of a car. You're from the midwest, that's about your speed.

You're from the midwest, that's about your speed.

Huh? Did we move to reddit all of a sudden? /r/midwestjokes?

nothing like a little black humor...

I've learned if you're in a foxhole, you can still laugh at the little things. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you alive.

^^Bumping to see how you're doing, Hoosier.^^

IUH - let us know how you're doing. I remember the days before my first MC were full of anxiety. I agree with Mike7 - if you can keep the emotion separate from the physical act, enjoy it. Be an Alpha male. Show your dominant side. Make her submissive. Everyone here is right - it won't solve things. But it will feel good to have that control and to remind her (and you) that she should be yours (and no one else's).

I'm doing fine. Just trying to think of what to do in MC. Not sure what/how to do it. I know I want the A to be the first thing we talk about, because it's priority 1! Not sure how this will be different than any other time I sit down and talk with her.

So what has happened since last Thursday? You all of a sudden get the dirtiest texts ever. Did you ask her where she learned that all of a sudden.

Her behavior at wedding. Sure she was not off texting boyfriend while you were involved in wedding?

Your MC needs to be told that you are not moving forward in the M until you believe you have the entire truth.

He should know how to get that.

How do you feel. After at least six weeks of hell she has put you through, do you feel the same about her?

Can you continue with her current behavior and do you believe she wants to be married to you.

What does trapped mean??? Freedom to be single when she wants to?

There is still from what you have posted no interest in NC confirmation other than her word, which I hope you are not sold on. No real remorse that anyone can see from what you post, so it appears she is going along with what you want while she sorts out what she wants.

Maybe some things have happened to make that wrong but the fact that you are still confused and not sure about NC appointment does not indicate magical transformation.

And as far as snooping. She must know about VAR and everything you are doing or she talks to no one since unlike when you first placed it you were getting information

I hope you do not pay for MC and sit there and listen to her rug sweep this. Your MC should tell her like the MC of another poster's did that she can remain married to you or have boyfriends but not both and she needs to decide that right now! Otherwise you are paying for nothing and will pay for her to rationalize why she did it and to justify her actions which have been horrible. I hope you go back and read the posts you have done and feel the anguish that we all have felt for you in reading them .

She is contacting this guy at work or somewhere unless she has started to show some real remorse and desire to heal you and this marriage

[This message edited by Badhurt at 8:44 AM, June 16th (Monday)]

Your MC needs to be told that you are not moving forward in the M until you believe you have the entire truth.

I agree with this as well. IU, this is the information you need to make your decision to continue with D or see if R is possible. The MC will want a little introduction from both of you at first to get to know you better, and unfortunately most first session times are burnt off on this introduction stage, but make sure you state your WW infidelity is the reason for the MC. You'll know soon enough if this MC is worth the time and money.

After the introductions, address A first and foremost. If the MC knows what he/she is doing this will be done.

IUH

A couple of other recommendations

(1) I would sit her down on Tuesday night or Wednesday before walking into that office of MC and tell her you are giving her one more chance to tell you the ENTIRE truth, and that if any more lies come out in MC that you are done.

(2) I would ask her again to look you in the eye and tell you she has maintained NC . A lot of those following your situation are very skeptical of that. She glowingly told you all about his child, ex wife, age, etc. no mention of bankruptcy. Then you go camping , she is alone for hours, texts you how much she wants you, and THEN you tell us she tells you about bankruptcy of POS. some of us believe while you were camping she had long talk with him and found out it would not work with him and them you get the lovey dovey treatment when hours before you posted you were about done because of her attitude.

This MC is not going to be a one or two shot deal unless you uncover some more lies. Are you prepared to live for months more at least like you are now ?

Forget the POS for a minute. She knows he is not any future H. But he can be replaced with one more convenient and available if she does not unconditionally want to be married to YOU.

And lastly the others gave you good advice on Thursday. Don't let her just manipulate you with sex.

Hi IUH,

Agree with Badhurt & Jduff.

make sure you state your WW infidelity is the reason for the MC.

^^^^^^This should be the main issue addressed at MC.

Your WW may try to gaslight & blameshift & say that the main issue to be discussed is her ambivalence, how she feels "trapped", how all the things you did wrong & how all your faults drove her to do what she did. How "it just happened", etc etc etc (see page 9 of the Cheater's Handbook).

I am under the impression, from what you have been writing all along, that she is trying to say it really wasn't cheating because she "didn't go all the way." First of all, we don't know that for sure. Second of all, she was intimate with another man, to some extent---she shared things with another man which should have been only between the 2 of you----in fact, she took a vow to forsake all others in that respect, & then she broke that vow.

Did you even know that she had ambivalence, "felt trapped", before she went on the Mexico trip? If that was true, the honorable thing to do would have been for her to tell you, then, & suggest that the 2 of you go to counseling & work it out, then, before cheating on you.

So, that means that the # 1 issue now is her breaking her vows. Stay focused in MC, keep steering the conversation back to that.

There is one other possibility for the alleged break up of WW and POS. This is just a possibility, but IUH should consider the possibility. Maybe they had a long discussion which included the filing of a divorce. If I were POS, that news might scare me away.

Did you hear from her or on tape that the topic was discussed?

It seems odd that she would not at some point mention it since she can tell him "stuff". If she never mentioned this bit of pertinent intelligence, she was also gaming him.

And if she didn't, she sure knows how to lie by omission.