SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DoneGone If you are lurking around, please come back. I have been a member here for some time. I believe this is my first post. I just want you to know that I am a little confused with some of the responses you received. Your posts are always well written, well thought out and from the heart. Generally, most of the post on this site are not only insightful, but also have great empathy, discernment and wisdom. Please realize that most of us 'get it.' Please come back.

LivingBreathing1, touching way to use your first post.

DoneGone, I re-read this entire thread while waiting for my 40 year old sister to finish her chemo treatment. I'm sitting here watching folks in various stages of treatment shuffle in an out of here and it's a bit sobering to say the least. I'm telling you this so if I sound like an emotional wussy, you know why...

You've learned your one and only, the woman you've built a life with, the mother of your children, the person you've cherished for years, and everything else a long term marriage entails, has betrayed you. I would be beyond pissed if my WW brought my children into the situation. You're completely justified in being angry, hurt, and confused. There's not a damn thing wrong with any of those emotions. It is incredibly difficult to learn that the woman you've loved for years may not be the person you thought she was. The willingness to toss away a long term M and all that for something cheap is difficult to understand too.

I also understand how anger can become your friend, no judgement from me on that issue. I've spent a long time dealing with this shit and I can honestly tell you there is no "why" that will make you feel better. There is no amount of MC that will make you feel better either. I personally believe MC is a fucking joke in the near term after an A. Cheaters control the flow of information that the MC and BS receive. The WS is the only person that knows WTF actually happened. The WS can paint whatever picture they want the MC and BS to see. That picture reflects what they want out of the situation - not healing, what honestly happened, etc. It's WS damage control. The MC plays into this because they need to create some fixable issue so you come back repeatedly. It's how they make their living. As long as you realize this, MC bullshit won't sting as much. I'll get ready for the 2x4s that will come my way from those comments. I can hear them now, but, but, not my special snowflake...

You're allowed to fence sit too. No shame in that either. Give yourself time to take everything in. There's no deadline or rush to do anything. Do whatever the hell you want on your own schedule.

I agree with Hobbes. DG, where are you ?

DG, did she give you the passwords? Not deleted? Whatever it happened, has it given you at least any small bit of peace?

MCJACK: yes, I so agree. It is just the style of counseling. I don't think it is some conspiracy theory. I do believe that the MC seems to be more like an IC for the wife. Just way too many individual counseling sessions. This MC just isn't trained in this issue or is and her/him style to heal it all just doesn't work for you.

DG: I think you have a good hold on all this. Ride it out. See what you can get. You are more than aware the MC is inadequate. You are more than aware of the issues. If things turn out for the better you can always get a new MC after the passwords are given.

Rafi: spot on. Sure, she is manipulative, but I don't really think she is gathering for a D. I agree she is just scared and has horrible coping skills. She is doing everything she can to keep him except what she thinks will make him want to leave (e-mails). She is just TT. Just grasping at straws and making a bigger mess of things, but in the end they really did want R. We had another WW like that. Swats wife.

As far as being in limbo. There are many posters that were in limbo when it comes to D for months and years. As long as you take care of yourself and heal there is nothing wrong with limbo land for awhile.

Good luck and I am pleased to hear you have your daughters support.

Was wondering how your last day of counseling went. Did she give you the passwords?

Last Monday, DG said:

Thanks. I'm going to do just that. I have worn out my welcome around here. I will let you guys know in a couple months how it all went down. thanks for all the help. really appreciate.

I think it's time to give this thread a rest and let DG come back if and when he is ready. It's not so much he has "worn out" his welcome, more that he needs some respite and quiet time to sort himself out and decide what he wants. He can revive it or start a new one.

Whatever he decides to do, I'm sure we all wish him well.

I am on page 2 only and am identifying with what is written... this is how I felt as a child watching my mother betray her marriage, her children and everything. The hatred and the anger.... so powerful and devastating.

RealityBites post was powerful. I watched a man do that to my parents relationship and it destroyed the very fragile reality I had as a child. I realized finally how many decades I have lived with the level of pain everyone expresses here about their adult relationships. Only I was a child going through it with not a soul in the world to help me and much of my life was split off and I was just always acting it out decade after decade.

I related to all the OP's pain and pride and it is written so well. Each word oozes the hurt.

(edited as I am still confused with the forums and the mixed up nature of my own story and some was not appropriate).

[This message edited by snowpeak at 3:27 PM, May 15th (Friday)]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm right there with you. Sounds a lot like my story even though I haven't put it on here yet. I discovered that they were texting a lot, but not the content, a month ago, but two weeks into denials of the physical affair I retrieved deleted nude photos and a 3 second video of my WH in the act. I discovered this just two days before we were to drive 600 miles to pick up his disabled, pain meds addicted mother and bring her to live with us. I took care of her for a week before she had to be hospitalized. We decided on an a counselor but have had no response from our appt request. I feel like I have to hold myself togrther for so many hours during the day while I take care of her and my kids that during my alone time I can hardly function.

My WH has also complied with the list, except for the formal NC letter. But I know there hasn't been any contact. It was a FWB arrangement, at least the physical part. The OW has already moved on to someone else. I would like to reconcile and I'd like to believe my WH is sincere, but I keep thinking that my bullshit meter is faulty so how can I tell. Am I being fooled again? I've only told one friend who lives hundred so miles away. Protecting myself as well as him from the judgment of others. Anyway, all this pretending while we wait for test results and we wait for a CC appt is killing me.

Hey DG,

Hopefully you got the answers you were looking for. Check in when you can. I think there are still a lot of people willing to support you here.

Done are you OK?

UPDATE (or not)

Hi guys. This was supposed to be an update; it ended up being something else. I will post my update soon. If you are familiar with my story, you will probably do well to skip the rest of this post.

Over a nine month period my wife of 23 years cheated on me with another man. When I first posted on this site I was practically out of my mind and I received excellent advice from you guys. You helped me more than I can ever say. Just to have a place to come and vent has been of immeasurable value to me. Although there were many who felt that I wasn’t listening and heeding advice; that was far from the truth. I will admit to being very cautious and deliberate in pulling the trigger on decisions. I agreed with most of what you guys wrote, but that became a problem. Receiving your advice was like walking through a field of diamonds. I wanted them all. Which should I take, which should I leave? I agreed when many of you said that I should leave her. I also agreed that perhaps she was worth another chance. I agreed that someday, with a lot of work, I might learn to trust her again but I also agreed that I would probably never trust her again. I agreed that my marriage might be worth savings but I also agreed that there was nothing left to save. I agreed that I needed to lose the anger but I also agreed that anger was my friend.

For me, it all began when I spotted my wife’s car in a restaurant parking lot on the other side of town. I went inside to discover my wife having lunch with another man. It turns out he was a childhood friend of her brothers and they had just ‘bumped’ into each other and were catching up. During their cozy little meal, in walks me. They covered really well and I bought; not just their story but their meal. She suffered no ill effects from this at the time but it is something that would come back to haunt her later, big time. Once I read her email exchange with OM concerning this incident (which I hope to get to, presently), I realized how naïve I had been not to have suspected something at that time.

The following weeks she practically lived on her phone. Before this, she had valued our time together and would hardly do any texting when we were together. Now she would text nonstop and was careful not to allow me to read any of the texts. I grew more and more uncomfortable with it and one day literally snatched her phone from her hand and there was a naked picture of the man she had been talking to in fast food place. It is the absolute worse two and two I have ever put together in my life.

I went ballistic. We had several awful weeks. I was angry and had all this chaotic energy inside of me, and I took it all out on her. WW was very sorry and apologetic and said she would do whatever it took to win my trust back. I said a lot of terrible things to her and she took everything I dished out. I am not a fan of second chances, but I gave her one. She convinced me that her infidelity was limited to texting and sexting. I personally believe that the reason I gave my wife a second chance is because I was in no condition to be making rational decisions. Walking away from her was not even an option I could consider at the time. Our marriage had not been in a downward spiral. In fact, as far as I could tell, things could not have been better. Her betrayal came from out of nowhere and happened without warning. It happened at a time when we were both still desperately in love with each other.

“Truth be told, cheating isn't as unforgiveable as I originally thought. People like to talk tough about cheating; they say they'd never tolerate an affair, and would immediately break up with their partner - for good - upon finding out they were unfaithful. It’s so easy for people to say "LEAVE HER". I use to be one of those people that would say "If I ever found out my wife was cheating on me I’d kick her to the curb in a second," until it happened to me, and then, all I wanted to do was hold on to her for dear life as much as it hurt. You can't love someone and then suddenly stop loving them a day later because you found out she cheated on you, the brain and heart don't work like that”

As I mentioned earlier, I was in no condition to be making decisions. When your heart is broken you are definitely not in a good place to be making decisions concerning things of the heart. My heart was telling me to believe her, trust her, give her a chance; BUT IT WAS BROKEN. I could listen to it. It was not a case of “That foolish muscle, there in the middle of my chest” betraying me. Actually, I betrayed it. It was in no condition to be making decisions. Had my heart not been cracked, I would never have given her a second chance. My heart was broken ….and although unfair, sad and borderline pathetic….only she could fix it.

WW and I never discussed what would happen if one or the other of us were ever caught cheating. The absurdity of this hypothetical would practically render it incapable of being framed by thought. This conversation would have been about as relevant as the two of us discussing what we would do if we were to awaken one day to discover ourselves on Mars. Wasn’t going to happen!

I did not have a contingency plan in place in the event that she would cheat on me. I absolutely had no idea what to do, or where to turn. I only know that I was in pain and that I loved her with all my heart. I have learned enough from this site to believe that some people are worth a second chance. I wouldn't say they are worth much more than that, but if you are with a decent enough human being, they may be worth a second chance.

So, I gave her a second chance and she proceeded to take her affair underground. The following weeks she smothered me with love and affection while living on her lap top and keeping her cell phone close. Although my love was unconditional, my trust wasn’t. Everything unraveled when my mother, who lives in another state, became ill. I needed to go check on her. Even though my wife had always enjoyed going on these trips with me, she declined this one.

Things were a bit strained between us and I wasn’t very good company anymore and it was possible she just needed a break from the drama. As it turned out, she needed an opportunity to meet the OM and me being a thousand miles gave her the perfect opportunity.

She thought she had covered all the possibilities for not getting caught. She should have remembered Murphy's Law. She should have planned for all the possibilities and really considered all of the possible outcomes and planned for Murphy to dictate his Law. “If something can go wrong, it will.” An addition to this law reads, “an usually at the worst time.”

A colleague actually saw my wife park and go into a motel. He called me, I called her and the shit hit the fan. Long story short, I came home, scorched earth policy, confiscated her laptop and cell phone, kicked her out, got an attorney (or two or three)…. and this is where the plot thickens (or sickens)!

WW begged, pleaded for another chance and went to therapist who explained to her that she was broken. She was broken and needed to be fixed. What irony. I entrusted my broken heart to be repaired by a person who was broken. We enjoyed a beautiful, healthy, loving relationship for 26 years and now, just like that, we are both broken?

WW cheated because she was broken. That’s what the psychiatrist said. How could either one of us help the other when we were both broken? Her betrayal hit me so hard, so fast, and left me with so many mixed emotions. First I tried hating her, then forgiving her, all just to forget her, but I discovered I was only capable of loving her.

She refused to give me the password to her laptop and phone until I had attended three MC sessions with her. During the third counseling session she gave me the passwords to her email accounts and cell phone. She also gave me a trac phone that I did not even know she had.

You guys said that there was going to be some bad stuff on there; you were right. You said that I was going to find out that she was guilty of a lot more than she was admitting to, right again. You said that the affair had been going on long before she said; again you were right. It had actually been going on since the summer of 2014.

When I read the contents of her conversations with OM, and discovered the full extent of her treachery and deceit, it literally made me sick. It is one thing knowing it, it is altogether another thing when you are reading it with your bare eyes. Her conversations with OM represented some really sick stuff.

I guess my update will actually begin on my next post.

[This message edited by DoneGone at 1:58 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

I'm sorry brother. That really sucks. I understand it is hard to hear and believe the things the members tell you. A lot of people have to find out on their own.

You knew it was coming and it hurt just as bad. Our goal is to help you in a really bad time. Help you get out of infidelity and reduce the pain and damage.

So what is your plan now, how can we help you.

Again I am sorry I know how hard it is when you have been married 20 plus years it happened to me at 20 years. It is unthinkable but it happened and it is reality. Now you must decide what you need to do and move on and start to heal with or with your WW.

For me I would not be able to R in your situation, she knew how bad she hurt you and continued. In my book that says she does not care about you.

Best of luck

looking forward to the update.

Yes, many of us were right in what we said here.

BTW, you aren't broken, she is. I hate these middle through late in life affairs. You feel like you lived a lie.

However, you hold the cards but it is tough to say until we get the update.

So what have you decided? Are you working towards R or D? Yes you got the passwords and the texts you "needed". So update and let us know where your head is at.

Just glad you are back and know the whole story (or as much as any person can in our shoes...)

Really hope you are in a better place (or on your way to one). Time really does make a difference. It does get better.

Yes, we might have been right. But remember, that's because we've done what you did - couldn't comprehend that the person we loved would betray us so completely.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. Some of us just really need to have reality steamroll us.

So sorry, you are going through this.

Glad to see you back. Sorry it is under these circumstances though.

There's not one of us that wants to be "right," in these situations. It gives us no pleasure or thrill, when someone comes back and says that their WS has lied to them all along. We hurt for you, and for every person who comes back and has to acknowledge that they've been fed a bunch of lies. We're all hurting with you, DoneGone. I'm glad that you came back for support.

So happy to see you back. I thought we had scared you away forever with all the 2x4's we threw at you. Sorry to see we were right. Deep down, I was hoping that you wife would come up with an explanation that would disculp her of any wrongdoing. Unfortunately, you joined our BH club. I'm looking up for the update. It sounds like something I don't want to miss. Will we have excerpts of communications between WW and OM?