SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This whole "Gently" followed by a needless kick has got to stop per the mods post earlier. Everyone deals with this crap on their own level and has the right to do so. To HurtnAlone I think you are doing amazingly well and wish you the best.

I think you are very strong and being a very good father. It's healthy and normal for you to think about the past because it is helping you process your grief for what has happened.

My fWH cheated after 28 years of M and after our kids were grown luckily . I admire everyone who has to deal with the aftermath of infidelity while trying to raise children and deal with WS and AP interacting with the children. This makes for a very challenging situation...

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:34 AM, October 11th (Sunday)]

HurtnAlone, I doing you're doing an awesome job of handling yourself in this horrendous situation! You've got my admiration and support! Ignore those that don't understand that you're doing the best you can and don't offer constructive advice. Bro-hugs!

Hurtin

Of course it hurts every time your Stbxw keeps dropping bombs on you and the marriage.

You should have responded in kind "I do not want to hear about the OM or what you two are up to."

It is none of my business and I appreciate it if you would keep it that way.

You two are still married. But your wife no longer remembers nor does she care.

Be like her when dealing with her.

She needs to be treated like that.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 11:46 AM, October 11th (Sunday)]

Well, of course I'm writing about WW and OM. This is a forum about SURVIVING INFIDELITY. When I reach a point I'm not writing about those things, then I'll be ready to move on, and likely quit posting to this thread. To me, this felt like a fresh betrayal from WW's family. They stuck by me all this time, then I find out they've agreed to meet OM, and in a way that makes the relationship legit. Yes, I figured it was bound to happen sooner or later, but out of respect, I believe they should have waited until D was final. And BTW, I didn't grill the kids to get that info, WW just blurted it out when she was here dropping them off. I wish I wouldn't have heard it.

Now, a general comment. I've always encouraged and appreciated all feedback in my thread, but the next time someone feels obligated to give me the generic "you need to detach" advice, please restrain yourself. I KNOW I NEED TO DETACH. I come here to vent, because it helps me to process events and write things down. Sometimes I'm not looking for advice, but just need to hear a "Sorry Hurtn, that sucks. Hang in there." Or maybe a "WW really is crazy, sorry you're going through this."

Obviously it's not healthy to hang onto those feelings forever, but I'm always amazed at people who seem to think you can flip a switch and just turn it off. Everyone is on their own timeline and some do it quicker than others. I'm 7 months out from the bomb drop. Yes, I'm still hurting but definitely nowhere near as bad as a few short months ago. In another 7 months, I sincerely hope that thoughts of this are not part of my daily routine. So thanks to everyone who has taken their time to read and contribute - it really has been a blessing to me. But sometimes, try to remember that I'm just venting. If I do something really stupid, then sure, send a 2x4 my way. Otherwise, just knowing that others are listening is all I need.

Sincerely man, good luck to you. Wasn't meant as a put down or disrespect, we've all been touched by betrayal and in our own ways try to help. You absolutely have come a very long way. Again no disrespect intended.

Got temp orders in the mail today for spousal and child custody. I'm not happy. Don't ask me how they came up with it, but somehow WW gets $1200/month spousal and only has to pay $160/month child. That's with me having majority custody, and far more than my attorney said would be likely. Of course I'll be fighting it, as I believe it's totally unfair. It gives WW almost the equivalent of a full-time min wage job w/o having to do a thing. It was already a struggle getting her to work even part time. If this goes through, she won't lift a finger for the next few years. What's wrong with the US court system? Injustice at it's finest. Just wanna scream. I'll update again after I speak with my attorney.

Damn, that's horrible. Best wishes!

Hurtin,

Sorry, ...on the spousal support front. Seems like you know what you are going to do about it!

When you mentioned about WW's family meeting OM and in a way that legitimizes the A ...that struck a nerve with me, but NOTHING legitimizes it. Perhaps blood is thicker even if its bad blood!

On you getting out, bartending and the ego boost! I say if it makes you feel better about you, and isn't going to hurt you. Flirt away! You never know. Live in hope.

You are doing your best for you and the boys, that's all you can do, keep going!

I think you are doing great!!! You are working through your feelings in a healthy way. You are being honest with yourself about what still bugs and hurts you. Better that then to pretend your all of a sudden don't care. You are getting where you need to be in your time. I can tell you are going to end up just fine! You are a great Dad and seem like a very nice man. Some lady is going to be lucky to get you.

I can tell you are going to end up just fine! You are a great Dad and seem like a very nice man. Some lady is going to be lucky to get you.

Aww, thank you. I'm not in the habit of tooting my own horn, but I actually am a pretty nice guy. I get told constantly by friends and family, even people at work. I feel like I'm getting back to who I am at my core. The last few years I had sort of mentally and emotionally checked out, as WW became more distant and spent more time away from me and the kids. I think I was in a mild depression, and become a negative person, not doing much socially and not being a good father.

Since WW left, that has all changed. I recognized that I didn't like who I had become and wanted to get back to the real me, the person I was years ago, the man who WW married. I'm sure I had become quite unattractive to be around, and WW told me as much. I told her I was going to change, but I'm sure she didn't believe me. Now that we're 7 months out, she has made a couple of comments on why I'm suddenly doing all these things which I had not done the past few years. I just say "I told you I was going to change". No idea if she ever has 2nd thoughts but it doesn't really matter anymore. I like who I am now and am making the changes for me and my kids.

WW missed her limited window of opportunity to come back into our lives as anything more than a co-parent. I'm far enough out from everything now that I see it could never be the same again. Trust is totally shattered and she has acted so selfishly and hurt me and her kids so deeply that I have no desire to even be around her right now. I still sometimes hope she gets her share of karma but slowly working towards "meh, don't really care".

One last update I forgot to mention earlier. Got a TM from my sis-in-law the day after she met OM on the visit from WW. She told me that her and her family only agreed to meet OM because WW has been pushing it for months and was refusing to spend time with them anymore until they agreed. She said it was awkward but they didn't plan on really spending a lot of time with him, other than major holidays. And she again confirmed that me and the kids will always be considered family and are welcome anytime. Now I realize that as more time goes on, the family will likely start to at least begrudgingly accept OM, but I'm happy to hear that they are not choosing sides. In fact, the sister-in-law and her hubby are coming to visit me and my kids this weekend, and NOT planning to see WW. So I guess I will continue to have those relationships outside of whatever WW does with OM.

disregard

[This message edited by Western at 7:15 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

duplicate

[This message edited by Western at 7:12 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for a great update, glad to hear it! Keep up the great work&progress, I'm very happy for you&the kids!

The court system is jacked-up...especially for men. I like to call it the Marriage Industrial Complex. The whole thing seems to be designed to siphon off wealth from families into the pockets of lawyers and the courts.

Got an email update today that someone had replied to this post. Honestly, had almost forgotten about it since it's been nearly 2 years since my last post, but figured I would give a quick update, in case anyone interested.

Im officially divorced as of March 22, 2016. I've got primary custody of my 3 minor kids and my oldest, who is 20, also lives with me. Was able to get the alimony down to $500/month, reduced to allow ex to not pay child support. She sees them every other weekend. In an ironic twist that surprised nobody, the affair disintegrated in early 2016. Ex asked me to move back in, and I said no. She wasn't apologigetic at all and didn't want to patch things up, just wanted a place to stay. She's currently living with her sister, 2 hours away. She left OM the day after divorce was final. We rarely talk except for exchanging kids, but it's quick and pleasant when we do.

I went through 2 jobs since getting laid off July 2015 from my 15 year job, but currently employed at a great place over a year, making more money than ever and plenty of room to grow. I started dating a woman in October 2015, who was also going through a divorce and dealing with a cheating husband. Funny enough, her divorce finalized same day as mine.

The girlfriend has 4 kids just like me and we get along great. She's funny, generous, compassionionate and just a wonderful woman. We're each living in our own houses but have discussed moving in together within next 2 years. So, in a nutshell, life is better than ever. For anyone in the middle of their own personal shit storm, keep going, day by day. There is an end to the hell, and life does get a lot better on the other side. Good luck to everyone and thank you for all the support during those dark days.

HurtnAlone, what great news!

So glad to see a happy ending after a long journey.

You sir are a hero to your family and a poster...no billboard...sized reminder that pain and fear can be overcome.

Your children are remarkable fortunate to have you.

You've laid tracks for a wonderful future.

Thanks for the update. Uplifting post.

You made my day honestly :).

Best wishes to you,your kids and new Lady :)

I love updates like this!

Nice one mate.

Good luck.