SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to update my situation as people have asked me on PM and such. Everyone has been a big help.

She moves out this weekend finally and going to her parents house. Took cutting her a check of what her parents gave for the down payment but it was worth it. I need to get the house sold and her staying there was delaying that. Plus I got to get the house straightened up so it can be sold. I can only imagine what I am walking into.

Still back and forth on agreement for the divorce. Basically she will not allow me to see my step son unless I add to the alimony. It upsets me she is using him as a pawn but I don't have much leverage to see him.

Last weekend I proved to myself I am over her for real. She was texting me all types of stuff of I love you, I miss you, come spend the night and just make it a go. Do we want to break up this marriage, neither of us wants to be alone so just come over. I didn't respond but sensed she was drinking as the texts got more and more personal. I reached out to one of the other husbands and got confirmation that she was having all the girls over for wine night. The old me probably would have caved went over there soothed her feelings and slept with her. It would have erased to where I am at today.

Since I didn't respond the next day the texts went from I love you to I hate you and the works. What I expected. But I don't feel anything at the moment for her or anything. Not anger, sad, happy, nothing. That actually makes me mad at her as she has made me feel nothing for anything.

But the end road seems a lot closer than before and that is my main goal to get this closed and move on for good.

congratulations on graduating from Infidelity 401, Gary. I know it was a struggle. But you will be in a better place. I am sorry about your step son but on the other hand, you deserved so much better. Everytime you feel bad, think back to finding the viagra package and you will know you made the right decision.

Please take photos when you arrive back at the house and bring a witness or two. Document it just in case of damage and missing items.

Not celebrating the demise of your previous life, celebrating the advent of a new one for you

Once you sign your name on those papers..that will be the amount you are legally obligated to pay.

Unless she puts something in those papers about visitation...you're not going to get it. Who cares what she's saying now...she's a liar..who is using her son as a pawn to get more money. She has no intention of allowing that to happen.

Western, thanks man you and the rest on here helped big time. Without it I am afraid I would not be moving to the point where I am. I'd probably be kicking myself for waking up in my house with her that Sunday morning.

Good idea on the pics and my lawyer told me to do the same. I don't think she would be that reckless to really mess up the house, I am thinking more of it being messy. But I have it worked out I don't cut her that check till next month so that gives me leeway if something is wrong she chances not getting it.

Confused, that is part of the back and forth. If I am not going to pay her for seeing him than nothing will be official and she has the rights. But if I add to the alimony I am requesting in writing that I have option to see him and such.

Basically she will not allow me to see my step son unless I add to the alimony.

Gary

To me this would be the last nail in the coffin.

Cheating is one thing but to sell your son for money is another universe.

Document the above.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 8:18 AM, May 27th (Friday)]

If you cut her a check for her portion of the house, and she moves out, change the locks. No way in hell I'd allow her back in under any circumstances. She forgot something in the house? You'll put it outside in the driveway for her to pick up. Make sure all of the windows and doors are locked.

Sorry about the visitation. Unfortunately, you have no legal rights since he's not your biological son. It just goes to show you all she really cares about is herself, and not having a positive influence in her son's life (you).

It will be interesting to see what her reaction will be if her son reaches out to you. It's really a shame that he's being hurt by her piss poor decisions as well.

Graywolf, glad you posted I been meaning to apologize to you again for my reaction last week. Don't know why I was pissy, I mean I know why I was just having a really bad day but I usually handle things better than that and I crave honestly no matter how its delivered. You have been a big help and I should have reacted better to you.

Yeah it makes me sad that she is really punishing her son not just me. I really thought she was better than that.

Yup I am going to change the locks. One I am at my own apartment so in case there is a showing the house is ready made to show. Plus like you said I don't want her in there after. Her parents I know have a key so another option who has it. And to be honest I cant say for sure the other guy was not given a key. Last thing I need is him trying to get in and play house. So yes locks will be getting changed.

Glad to hear you're hanging in there. Speak to your lawyer about the increased alimony for visitation. Not even sure if that's even legally binding since you aren't a legal parent or guardian. Plus with her behavior I could really see her scamming extra money from you and still screwing you when it comes to visitation so just be careful.

Honestly from what you've described I'm not surprised she's willing to hurt your son and use him to hurt you as well. She almost sounds like she has BPD.

You are doing amazing Gary. Sorry but EFFF HER for using her son to extort more alimony from you....that's disgusting. DO NOT fall for it...even if you were to get something in the divorce decree (which I doubt) about visitation it would be IMPOSSIBLE TO ENFORCE so do not bother paying a penny more than you need to in alimony. NOT A PENNY !!

Once the dust settles I have no doubt you will be seeing the boy. Trust me...he will be hounding her to let him see you AND...her selfish ass will welcome the free time after a short while.

Keep kicking ass buddy !!!

Once the dust settles I have no doubt you will be seeing the boy. Trust me...he will be hounding her to let him see you AND...her selfish ass will welcome the free time after a short while

.

I agree with Sybo.

Also- continue to coach his team. Nobody can stop you from doing that- from being involved in things he is involved in. Put out the effort. He will notice. He needs to see he matters to you- especially with the freaking mother he has. Yikes.

Gary, what is the on the final decree is the final word "on paper", as in if parties involved can't agree to anything else outside of the decree then the decree is the final word. In other words, she may not agree now to let you see your step son now (I wouldn't be surprised if her lawyer is the one telling her to leverage the additional alimony from your request) but once things simmer down and all parties have settled in to their new "normal", minds can change. Your step son will keep asking his mom about you and you just never know, she may reconsider allowing you to see him. So keep pursuing the D in YOUR best interest.

got confirmation that she was having all the girls over for wine night.

Well your STBXW is the star right now of the vicariously lived drama that her friends are enjoying along with that wine. She is basking in the glow of being the center of attention and she is too intoxicated with alcohol and ego to realize what she has truly lost in all of this. She is in for one mother of all hangovers once her friends find her boring, take their wine with them and move on to the next "real housewives" star.

We know this was one hell of a road you traveled and are about to get on the smooth pavement once the D is final. You did well, Gary. You did a lot better than I did.

Don't forget to change the access codes on the garage door opener if you have one. That one is easy to overlook. Same with any security system.

I backed away from the coaching as last time I was there my wife made a scene. I don't want anything like that to happen, even though she was doing it, I thought it was embarrassing to me and for my step son. Plus the way that the coach first reacted to me thru this I don't want to be bothered with anyone here.

As for getting something in writing on the divorce that is what my lawyer is pushing for so I have something official. If she wants more money that is the only way she will be getting it from me. No matter what till she gets a job with benefits I will keep him under my insurance.

Thanks for the tip on the garage I didn't think of that yikes.

Yes I hope she just realizes he wants to see me as much as I do him. I think her focus is so much on the divorce that its not hitting her.

Yes on the group and her. Well most of them pretty much cheered her on the cheating so I don't have much thought of them. But be interesting when she is at her parents and not entertaining at our house like she used to do a lot if they think she is such the life of the party.

And I don't think I am doing anything great than most on here just I acted finally with the advice given here. It got me to take off my rose colored glasses and when I did I didn't like what I saw.

If she wants more money that is the only way she will be getting it from me

I wouldn't let her manipulate the situation for extra money like this Gary.

Show her that you are standing firm.

You can still put savings aside for his college fund / 21st birthday / whatever.

You can still write to him.

If you (and you think he) don't feel comfortable continuing to coach - nothing to stop you watching (perhaps from a safe distance) his games.

Let this all follow it's course and settle down for a year or so.

See where you are from there.

You've revealed how much you love and cherish 'your' son - and all she has done is used this as a dagger to stab you with. She is behaving despicably.

Honestly? I'd take this off the table right now.

If things change - you can always negotiate something later.

However, I think that any continued contact with her is going to be a nightmare of manipulation and a continued source of pain for you.

Step away from the crazy Gary - pay what you have to, but do not 'buy' your son.

Hugs, MOB

Im curious about this check thing, commensurate w the gift from the in laws as a down payment on the house.

What does your atty say about that?

It's a tough question regarding your son. The lawyer in me says don't sign anything - but if you do would you want to adopt him?

Wow you have came along way. Good for you for standing up for yourself. It is really sad that she is using her kid. It is really sad that she is punishing her child for her horrible choices.

I third or fourth on the pictures. I didn't do that and my xW forced her way in my house and started taking thinks while just my kids were home. I still to this day don't know what all she took.

I am really sorry your going through this. It sure does bring back some horrible days in my mind.

C

As for getting something in writing on the divorce that is what my lawyer is pushing for so I have something official. If she wants more money that is the only way she will be getting it from me. No matter what till she gets a job with benefits I will keep him under my insurance.

Are you going to drag her to family court every time she doesn't adhere to this "official" agreement w/ the boy? Because that's what you will be doing. You have ZERO legal parental rights to this boy...and nothing in a divorce decree is going to change that unless you adopt him. Do not bite on this alimony extortion PLEASE.

Now....if you want to (and can) keep him on your insurance I would suggest you use that to REDUCE the alimony request. Remember everything is negotiable...so if she can't afford insurance...and you are willing to insure junior for a defined period of time (say 3 years)...you want that money taken out of the alimony.

I hear you guys on don't give in and pay her. I see that. But its my only card I have to see him. He is at such a age that out of sight out of mind could creep in.

Adoption, I don't want to get into that with her. Couple reasons. One I hope and I know this sounds crazy but that my wife finds someone eventually. Hopefully she chooses wisely. If that is the case I don't want to make it so confusing that there is a new step father but I am legally in there. Its hard enough just the regular divorce.

Here is what I would want. I see him and have him in my life. If that is forever jackpot for me. But she marries and the new guy is a good role model and they are a good family I don't want to interfere. If he wants me to be in his life I am there. I will still contribute to him on my own terms.

Question on the cutting her a check for the house. She was on the mortgage too. Even though she didn't pay anything for the house her parents did for a gift. When she realized she couldn't buy me out or if she wanted to go back and forth she changed that tune. Plus when we explained odds are good will take a loss on the house she def didn't want to stay in. But since I want this all done fast and not drag which she was going to do she said she would move out and not be part of the house if she got the return on what her parents gave us. I agreed to it. My lawyer was not keen on it but said it would make her get out and move the divorce faster.

I don't think you have any "real" card at all. I'm not a lawyer...but I just don't see how this would be legally enforced when ur WW decides not to honor the agreement. This just looks like a boondoggle to me.

...maybe one of our member attorneys can chime in here.

she would move out and not be part of the house if she got the return on what her parents gave us

sooo...she is basically asking for a buyout/payoff on a house that's underwater. Fuck that. You gonna pay her off THEN pay the loss on the sale too? She should get the hell out with nothing or SPLIT THE LOSS with you...period. You letting her walk is releasing her from a shared marital debt...you should get something back for that (hint: less alimony, less asset sharing; etc.) How much is this all going to cost you to get her to MAYBE move out sooner? How do you enforce this hasty eviction?

Just as an FYI...eventually the court will mandate the house be sold if it's a negative asset and she'll be pushed out anyway...no bullshit parent kickback necessary