SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I was told from another site to post on this one as the people here have more experience and advice to give. I hope this story is not too long. If its easier and you just want to ask a question please go ahead if the post is too long. Thanks.

Its probably not much different than most. Been married 6 years. Marriage has been good or I thought so on my end besides the usual ups and downs everyone probably has. Got married raising her son who is 8 and lives with us full time and who I think is a great kid and completes us a couple. My job when we were first married was a good job with the pay and such. Awhile ago there was some big changes and we got bought out by another company. There was massive layoffs and paycuts. I kept my job but with less salary. I didn't want to take the buy out and lose my health insurance for my step son and wife. She does not work and stays at home. But it became a challenge and I took a part time second job working nights at a UPS warehouse couple nights a week and the occasional Sat. It helped but my wife complained that I was gone a lot as the nights I worked I would come home around 530, have dinner and such and go in for the night shift. But I told her that I had to make up the loss income as she didn't want that to change either and I promised her I would always support the family.

I don't know how much background I should put so if anyone has questions ask away. To make a long story short, I was at a kid birthday party for my step son when one of the dads mentioned that my step son spent the night here and there on dates that didn't add up as I knew I worked them. I asked for clarification and when he went to his wife she turned white as a ghost and said her husband was confused. I asked my wife and she said yeah that he was there too having a night in with the other moms having wine watching movies while the kids played. The boys would sleep over and she went home and got him next morning. It didn't feel right so I let it go. Fast forward to months later I was painting our bedroom when I moved some nightstands I was putting something away on her side when I saw a 2 pack of Viagra in there. Now I have not or never needed it. It was my clue to get a clue I guess you could say.

I went thru phone records and emails and found what I was looking for. Like a punch in the gut. She was sleeping with a father of a kid at my sons school. He's a stay at home dad as his wife has a good job so I guess they met thru school functions. I learned thru the texts that I am apparently a neglectful husband as I am gone long hours for work. And when I am home I devote my time to house projects and coaching her sons sports teams. Now that is not false I do but what she was leaving out was I make time for date nights for us, get a neighbor or friend to babysit and just have time for us. She says we never talk or she doesn't get anything special from me. Again not all the story. I send her flowers every other Wed to her, still buy her things just for her. She says she feels alone taking care of the house. Again not false when I am not home, but the nights I do work 2nd job I still cook, take out trash, and on weekends not working I do yardkwork and the house cleaning to give her a break. So am confused on why she is lying like that.

The other part that kills me is i still get up early every morning to run and have maintained a good shape for someone my age. I am not 21 anymore but at 41 still fit. She is not but i don't care. And the guy she has cheated on with me is totally opposite. I am not tooting my horn but he is not attractive or i wouldn't think. But he must be to her i guess. I confronted her about it and she denied it till I showed her the texts, emails, and the Viagra. She came clean said she is lonely and yes i do those things but he is around and there to listen all day or whenever. That when she wants to talk about something i am not there at the moment. I told her he doesn't work course he can be there 24/7. She said the Viagra is that he needs it to help as he is stressed too from doing all the work at home for his kids and household.

She said she still loves me and misses me, that its not an attraction thing with him she cant explain it. That me leaving would crush her and her son as the father has not been around since he was 6 months old. My first instinct was to leave and i did for 2 weeks. But i missed the boy and felt bad to have him lose a father again in a way. I know it sounds stupid i missed my wife too. I am angry but i cant stop loving someone just like that. My problem is getting the image and thoughts of that guy in my bed, in my house, on the phone talking about my marriage is bothering me. I feel stupid in front of the people in town as obviously some know. I am conflicted on what to do. I want my marriage to not fold but the betrayal is hard to forget.

None of this sounds stupid. You are a caring husband/father and did not expect to be cheated on when you are working two jobs to make ends meet.

Have you and your WW informed the other betrayed spouse? If not, why not?

Has your wife gone no contact with the other man? Do you have access to ALL her social media, her phone and email?

What is your wife doing to work on herself? Why is she not working if your son is in school? She doesn't get to use the "bored housewife" routine. She had an affair while you were working hard to support her staying at home. She doesn't get to say you were never there, she knows why you weren't there! To support her and her son. Thats kind of a double edged sword, isn't it? "I want to be supported and be a SAHM, but I have an affair because I'm lonely and you were never here." Hmm.

Gary, I'm sorry your here this is some serious trauma, point blank. Firstly, do not entertain her "excuses" this is blameshifting...do not tolerate it one bit. Your 50% of the martial issues but none of her choice to cheat.

Guidelines are important right now, you'll need to write down a list of requirements that need to be met by her willingly. They should include sending a NC letter to him, she writes it and you send it certified mail today. The other man's wife needs to be told by you, with the proof today. This way she's privey to this affair. Plus if you reconcile with your WW you'll have an extra set if eyes on him as well. Your WW needs to be fully transparent, no social media, all passwords given to you, phone unlocked and checked by you whenever you spontaneously want to.

She needs to be in IC and figure herself out before you even try MC with her. Start the 180 in the healing hands library to the left as well.

Secondly, your working to support her and her son is commendable not something she should use as an excuse to cheat. You stepping up to parent her son is applaudable. She has quite frankly taken advantage of you and needs a reality check and since she has so much free time she needs a job too. At least her days will be productive not destructive.

Sending strength 😇

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 5:39 PM, March 28th (Monday)]

If you stay with her and stay in the same house while you work two jobs you will go crazy with jealousy. Plus her friends hid the affair and limpdick lives in the same neighborhood. You can't stay there.

So your options are (1) divorce or (2) selling the house and moving to a cheaper place where you work only one job.

You are morally free to leave her and her son. That is an unfair thing to the boy, but that was his mother's choice not yours. At 41 you are still young enough to start over, including starting a new family.

What will bring YOU the most happiness?

Hi,

Sorry you are here, but glad you found us. You will get a lot of good advice here from people who have gone through the same shit.

First of her cheating has nothing to do with you. Nothing! It is a choice she made, and not a result of what you have done. If she was unhappy she could have done many things, but she chose a very painful and destructive thing as her "solution".

It sounds like you are very thoughtful. Also sounds like you work hard to earn a living for the family. Your reward is her cheating. Did your mariiage have issues? Maybe. Likely, who's doesn't. But have a affair is a shit sandwich.

Your wife showed another level of disrespect by bringing this to your home. To your bed. That my friend is just low.

Don't focus on what the other man is other than letting his spouse knows. She deserves to know. You see it's not about what he looks like, what he drives, anything. It's about your wife and the choices she has made.

I encourage you to read some of the longer threads in this forum and you will see how this usually plays. Also read in the yellow box on the top corner. Healing library.

Keep posting!

What is your wife doing to work on herself? Why is she not working if your son is in school? She doesn't get to use the "bored housewife" routine. She had an affair while you were working hard to support her staying at home. She doesn't get to say you were never there, she knows why you weren't there! To support her and her son. Thats kind of a double edged sword, isn't it? "I want to be supported and be a SAHM, but I have an affair because I'm lonely and you were never here." Hmm

^^^This. I was a SAHM until my children were all in school full-time, then I found a part-time job that allowed flexibility and the ability to be with my kids after school and most of the summer.

Right now you need to inform the other man's wife. She deserves to know she is living a lie.

Everyone needs to get tested for STDs.

This other guy has to be completely out of your wife's life, no friendship, emails, texts, calls, blah, blah, blah. You understand.

Your wife needs to be accountable for her time, and give you access to her phone and all social media.

Please take the time to read the Healing Library. Also the Tactical Primer at the top of this forum.

Unfortunately, Gary, it will take YEARS to move through this mess. You have just boarded this emotional roller coaster, there will be many dips and turns.

There is a Betrayed Men's thread in the I Can Relate forum. You might want to check it out, a great group of SI veterans that will help you through this nightmare.

Know NONE of this was your fault. Your wife is pretty much blaming you for her actions. Nope, don't buy it. She is a grown woman who chose to cheat. She had other options....getting out of the house bc of her boredom by finding a job or hobby, discussing her feeling with you, finding a counselor, etc.

You sound like a good guy, Gary, don't allow her to take advantage of you. She wants to be supported and yet complains. She cannot have it both ways.

Meet with your doctor for some temporary medications if you are having trouble coping or sleeping. Take care of YOU by staying hydrated, exercising, and eating as best as you can.

You get to drive the bus now on what you expect from her. She should be groveling begging forgiveness and doing everything in her power to WIN YOU BACK. There's no easy button, no quick fix.

Hang in there, Gary, glad you found us.

Thank you Brokenblackbird and Crazytrain101 for your support and advice. I have not talked to the other spouse. I know she should know but I didn’t want to get into anymore drama than I have to deal with. I mean my marriage is upside down I wasn’t rushing to do the same for anothers. But yes I need to let her know.

I am sorry what is a NC? When I left for 2 weeks I told her I wouldn’t compete with another man. If I wasn’t good enough so be it. She begged and pleaded to come back. That she was sorry that she messed up. Unless she got a side phone she hasn’t been in contact with him that I know of. When I met her, her son was very young so she was with him taking care of him. She lived at her parents at the time. She told me that if she worked that she was worried she wouldn’t be a good mother that she could for her son. So I wanted to be a good provider to her and her son.

But he is in school now so I agree. I told her to look into maybe a part time job but she said she was busy being active in the school with the other moms. That is the problem the school district my step son goes to is very broad. My wife has aligned herself with the group on the higher end. They are all mostly stay at home moms so she does a lot with them.

She has been remorseful but I am having a hard time getting past him being with her and in the house. That is my struggle.

There needs to be a lot of changes in your family life. First of all you don't JUST forgive and move on. She has betrayed you, stabbed you in the back, screwed another man in YOUR bed, and is telling you it's your fault. NOPE! That isn't gong to work. If that is her attitude she isn't remorseful at all.

So here is what you do. First, without telling your wife, you tell the other mans wife. She has a right to know what her scumbag husband is up to. You make your wife write a letter of No Contact (NC) to the other man, which should be proofread and approved by you. You make your wife get tested for STD's. Any one of her friends that knew about the affair and watched your kid while she fornicated is now cut out of your lives. You tell her you will accept no blame in her cheating at all, it's all on her. Also she must go to IC (Individual Counseling) to figure out what is wrong with her to have such poor boundaries to seek out someone else to have sex with. And since you will no longer be working evenings, she will be getting a job!!! If she has so much leisure time to seek out a man to screw in your bed, she can use that time to get a job so you can be home nights and she will no longer be lonely.

You must remember this affair was not caused by you. As you said you were working feverishly for the family and still trying your best to be a good husband to her. She TOOK ADVANTAGE of your work nights to have sex with another man. Forgiveness is not something you offer!!!! It is something she is going to have to bust her ass to earn. If you rugsweep this, it will happen again.

You must be firm about this. Don't cry in front of her, don't beg or plead with her. You tell her these are the things she must do for you even to consider staying married to her. SHE must do the heavy lifting to save the marriage. If she isn't willing to work hard for the marriage, then there is no hope for R (Reconciliation).

[This message edited by longforgotten at 4:40 PM, March 28th (Monday)]

Gary, I am getting a sense here of a guy "who will do anything/everything" to make his wife happy. That is a wonderful trait in a man and it is unfortunate that your wife didn't recognize how good she had it.

The other posters are spot on - but I will add a thing or two. The first thing is that you need to stop being the nice guy and start recognizing that your wife is someone who has just stabbed you in the back. You don't reward that. It's time to start making demands and watching her ACTIONS - your marriage is hanging by a rope and your wife is off the cliff. Does she have what it takes to pull herself back into it?

The way you find out is to A) make the affair impossible to continue. This means telling the other man's wife. Tomorrow. You're not causing more drama - you're ending it. By telling his wife you will make it much more unlikely that the affair can continue. And, oh by the way, wouldn't YOU want to know if the roles were reversed? Do the right thing and tell her.

B) You make it crystal clear that certain things are changing. Like her getting a job. Like her opening all her social media and phone accounts. No passwords that you aren't aware of. Like a GPS on her phone so you know exactly where she is. STD tests - yup. Sorry she doesn't like it.

The old saying is that you need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. This means putting rules in place that, quite frankly, she may not like. She may say, "Screw you, I'm not doing that" and walk out of the house. Well, you have to be willing to lose the marriage...

Or... maybe she recognizes that she has a lot of work to do. She needs to prove to you, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is a safe partner. Can she do that? Does she have it in her? I will tell you this much - it will not come in the next few days or even in the next few weeks. Maybe, just maybe, over the next 2-5 YEARS she can prove to you that she is a safe partner.

Maybe not.

Good luck to you on the beginning of a long journey.

Be strong!

What will bring YOU the most happiness?

Well besides erasing that ever happened I would like to be happy again in my life, but even with the hurt and pain I would like for it to be with her and her son. If somehow we get back on track I hope I could manage. Right now I feel like it consumes my thoughts and my mind. But in the end I like to stay a family at least I think I do now.

It sounds like you are very thoughtful. Also sounds like you work hard to earn a living for the family. Your reward is her cheating. Did your mariiage have issues? Maybe. Likely, who's doesn't.

I mean you are right who doesn’t. There was the usual bickering about the everyday stuff. I would get irritated to come home and she would be on facebook or playing games, on the phone with another mom from school and the laundry needed doing, dishes, etc. Instead of me making her or leaving it for her I would say I just did it. I probably showed myself to be irritated. She would say that. That our time was limited at times we should be enjoying our company not having friction.

I would say the constant need to be on the phone with the other women talking non stop. I mean I hear when we get together what they talk about its nothing urgent but they make it sound like it’s the most important thing you will ever deal with. I would be helping out coaching her son and look in the stands she on the phone or gabbing. When we drive or whatever. I would get annoyed.

Our sex life was still ok. Some minor complaints from me I guess. I wanted her to get out of mommy mode you can say at times. I know raising a kid is hard but to once in awhile get out of the sweats or little effort. Even at night maybe change it up like she used to. It didn’t prevent me from still wanting sex and initiating like always but I just wanted to see a little more effort you know.

I didn't realize there still a lot I have not done. I need to tell the wife, you are right she needs to know. I would want to know.

Ditto on getting the STD test. Good god if I catch something from that piece of crap.

For you guys in here that been thru this, did you ask or want to know details? I know they had sex, I know that. I know certain days it happened and where it happened. But I don't know specifics. Would that help or hinder? I have so many thoughts or questions on it but don't know if that will make it worse on myself in a way. The only thing I know in detail is he needed Viagra for it.

Hi Gary. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you have come to the right place. There is deep well of knowledge and experience here. Your story is especially painful on so many levels because of the depth of the betrayal.

The first thing you ought to know is that your wife's choice to have an affair is 100% on her. It had nothing to do with you, so do not accept those excuses. You also can't accept her calling it a mistake. Her A was a series of choices she made, and kept on making until you discovered the truth. She needs to get herself into IC to figure out why she made those choices. Your marriage will never be safe if she can't figure out her whys. Forgiving and moving on now just means sweeping it under the rug. Do not do that. It rarely if ever ends well.

Gently now, of course she begged and pleaded for you to come back. She gets to be a stay at home mom and have a boyfriend on the side while you work your fingers to the bone to provide for your family. That is a sweet deal not many would want to walk away from. For your own protection, at this point, pay no mind to what she says. She has proven she has no problem lying to you. You must get your cues from her actions. Words are easy to say. Consistent actions over time though are not easy to fake. They will let you know where you stand for now.

Has your wife given you all her passwords? Has she begun to look for a job? What has she done about the marital bed she fouled? I hope you are still not sleeping in it. Has she been open and honest when you talk about the A lately or is she trying to "move on"? Has she been tested for STDs? Has she expressed any interest in finding out why she made the choices she made?

You also need to tell the wife of the OM. You know exactly what it feels like to be the last one to know. In fact, were I in your shoes, I would call her this very night and very gently break the news to her. Do not tell your wife you are doing or that you did it. If you wife confronts you about it, then you have your smoking gun that she is still in contact with the POS. Good luck brother, and stay strong.

Your wife has a lot of work to do if you are ever going to believe her again. Like answer any question you have for her. And her I dont knows wont work. She needs to figure out why she would ever do this in the first place and how she is not going to let it happen ever again.

Never let this be swept under the rug.

The mind movies you have will last for a long time, but practice pushing them out of your mind at the first sign they show up.

Has your wife explained her comments to the other guy about you, those could be harder to get over.

To respond to some of the questions on here. Thanks for giving the support and telling me it is not my fault. ITs good to hear you know. I am sure there are some things I could do better but still.

I am not sleeping in the bed. No way I could do that, it is bad enough I did without knowing. No I ordered new furniture before I went back. I do find myself going out and sleeping on the couch. She wants me to stay in there but some nights I just cant so worked up I need my space.

jigga114 I have access to her stuff and passwords now. I didn't back then obviously. I mostly check the phone to flag his number and such. I should probably be more involved in looking at her facebook. I do look but I am not the most savy on there with the ins and outs.

craig2001 that is why I am 50/50 on the intimate details if its the right thing to do. We have talked about the why and stuff. She just says she messed up that she got into a "fog" so to speak. That he doesn't compare to me but I stop the convo at that cause to me that is blowing smoke when I know what happened. When I read the emails and texts her and the other guy would talk about how its hard running a house and being alone, no one understands what goes into that. That me and his wife didn't appreciate what value they brought. I have to say what I read he mostly did the whining and talking about it. She mostly comforted and responded. What just kills me is the lying to him about what was going on in our house. Like for her birthday, I asked to go in work a little late. Got her son off to school. Made her breakfast in bed, made love to her, made her a card and a gift she had wanted. When he wished her happy bday that day she goes thanks I needed that. All I got was a card from hubs this morning and left for work. He proceeds to tell her how awful and hurt that must be for her.

You should ask for the details that you think you need to know. Remember that you can't un-hear anything she tells you about so be prepared.

You seem as though you want desperately to reconcile and are willing to do anything just to get things back to "normal". This is dangerous because you will be eager to sweep all of this under the rug and try to pretend that it was just a bump in the road. Take some time to process this and get some counseling if at all possible.

[This message edited by theDrifter at 6:05 PM, March 28th (Monday)]

Gary - there have been many posts made on wanting to know the details. Here is one I started a bit back: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=574770. Within the first paragraph of the post is a link to another post on the same topic.

The short story is the amount of details you want and need to know is highly personal. Whatever you need is what is right for you. If you are one of the rare few who don't want the details (and I'm assuming you are not rug sweeping) consider yourself lucky.

That he doesn't compare to me but I stop the convo at that cause to me that is blowing smoke when I know what happened. When I read the emails and texts her and the other guy would talk about how its hard running a house and being alone, no one understands what goes into that

Many times, the WW will always affair down, don't know why, but usually the OM (other guy) is not comparable to the husband.

The OM always says things that are completely pathetic. DO you have those saved...I would guess his wife would love to see what he had to say.

Your wife is coming up with non answers and those are never helpful. Like she did it because she was in a fog. No, she did it because she wanted to, the other guy was there and easy.

Most likely she did it because she has no boundaries, which is something she needs to learn about. Boundaries are easy to cross if a person doesnt understand that they are right there.

Also, be aware, that Facebook is a huge source of affairs starting up. Online games, and old flames on Facebook. So you might learn everything you can about facebook and how to monitor what she is doing.

Gary

You say she has been remorseful, but I can't help but wonder if she's really sorry for hurting you or sorry she got caught.

Have you discussed your issues with the marriage yet? She could show a good faith effort by quitting the mom organizations so she has more time to spend with you. Her complaint that raising a child is a big time consuming stress on her is BS. How in the world could she handle, say, 3 or 4 children. Some mom's do that and work too. It may be time to balance out the power in your relationship by insisting that she become a full partner and good wife. She obviously hasn't appreciated your efforts thus far. It's sad to say that good guys seldom win.

Under your facts, you are going to have to move, and she's going to have to get a day job.

Float those two conditions by her. If she says "this will be hard, but I understand it is necessary for you" then maybe you have a candidate for reconciliation.

If she instead whines about the impact on her, then she is not a suitable candidate for reconciliation.

She needs to be all about you and your feelings at this point of your marriage. Go test her selfishness and see what answers you get.

I would tell her how *sorry* you are that she had it so bad and that you were so "neglectful", i.e. her birthday and such, and that you feel so HORRIBLE about having to be gone so much...you know... in order for her to be home on FaceBook and games. How *selfish* you were to be thinking about supporting her and her kid in comfort while you had the audacity to work TWO jobs...

Such bullshit

ugh, sorry...