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Thats the problem in 50/50 states. She fucked up and still gets the 50%. Nothing you can do about that. Get your finances in order.

If she knows you are pressing forward, my guess is Canadian already knows that.

Did she sign the papers (sorry if I missed that)?

Wow generalize, and make sexist comments much.

It has been written on here a great deal by BH's that their fWW did read these types of books before and or during their affairs.

It is not anymore sexist than many other observations that has been stated on this website before.

Craig2001, Tushnurse, & Mike7,

I started a new thread in General about this subject, so as not to T/J IUH's thread.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:53 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

She signed them 2 weeks ago when she said it was the last time she talked to the OP. When I blew up the night before we supposed to go to MC. She knows there is a 90 day time period as well.

I'm sorry if this got confused earlier, but she does not read those romance books. She has been reading a lot of books on co dependency. She also has read a few books on living life in your twenties - mid 30's.

-Girls in White Dresses

-MWF seeking BFF

-etc.

IUH

Well, if she signed the papers without much remorse or has not tried to talk about it again, i think she is pretty well accepting she has ended the M.

If there was any indication she really wanted to change that i think in two weeks it would have surfaced.

Not sure exactly what those books are, but books about a married woman seeking friends outside the marriage is hardly what I think she would be reading if she was interested in R. She would be reading about how to help your relationship. i think its past the time for books.

Since that night has she said anything about wanting to go to MC?

Those books are about young women navigating life as adults, forming friendships with other women. Nothing wrong with them - it's a positive that she's looking at reasons why she might be frustrated that have nothing to do with affairs.

It sounds like she has shocked herself into re-examining her life, and she wants to get this right.

I hope she finds some answers before the clock runs out, because she sounds like someone who might know how to do this if she chooses that course.

She keeps saying she doesn't want the D, she wants to try and get us better. But her actions just don't give me anything to be hopefully for, which is why we haven't gone to MC.

She doesn't want the D. Well, I don't want it to rain on July 4, either. But I'd have to change my plans to avoid that 80% chance of rain in tomorrow's forecast. If it were that important to me, I would change my plan. But its not, so I'm not planning on doing anything different.

Doesn't she understand that her actions hurt you? Maybe you're too Steve McQueen cool, I don't know. But saying I don't want to be divorced, given her track record, is her saying I don't want to be divorced now. I suspect she knows her actions were reprehensible. Remember, but for the fortuitous discovery of the phone text or whatever it was, she and Mrs. Open Marriage would have met the 2 Canadians and had lots of fun without you even suspecting it. Yet where is any type of remorse or even genuine, sincere apology?

What did she say by way of explanation for the back and forth? Anybody, even one deep in a fog, would know that being back and forth does not create any degree of confidence or hope in the other spouse. If you drop the D case, she would be happy, until the next time she was unhappy.

What, if anything, is her suggestion to try to get better? A wing and a prayer? Coin flip? Anything resembling hard work on her part?

If not.....

And remember the words of Yoda. There is no try. She's now had months to try. Whatever that means. Have you seen any effort that actually required work and apology and remorse on her part? You were not the one who chose to stray.

I hope you got my pm. I am concerned based on actual experience.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 2:03 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

IUH

The problem with what she is saying to you about wanting to not D is that she is not aware you know she is telling her friends she does not still love you and that she does not know all you heard on the VAR . You are exactly right when you say she has given you no reason to have any thought of R right now. Listening to her tell OM she just needs more time had to be as devastating as anything I can think of. She does not know you heard that.

Makes sense - You have handled this far better than I did. So to you she is saying she wants to work on your marriage but to others she is expressing skepticism, as Badhurt rightly points out.

Have you said do X and Y and we can think about MC? Or is she just so ambivalent that even that isn't worth it?

Again - I think you have handled this great.

To me, she has not shown remorse or real want to R, which is why I'm continuing the D process without interruption. Believe me, I still would love to be with her, but I'm not even going to think of that unless she changes everything she has been doing and acting.

IUH,

What is she doing other than reading. Is she going out with friends like nothing is wrong.

She has not gone this long without contact OM since this all started. Is she around the house or off on her own today. She has to know that it is absolutely all over if she breaks no contact again, right?? You have made that clear.

I just signed on but I'll check later.

Do you ask her what she means when she says she does not want to D and what does she think she has done to convince you of that.

You obviously cannot accept the way you two are living now.

But she has to want to be married, no ifs ands or buts.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 4:03 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

Did something traumatic happen to her before all this affair shit started? Abandonment issues? Why the co- dependent books?

Something larger is going on here! If she's struggling with her "identity".....your in for a long battle!!! I'm no psychologist, but I've read enough here to know when the "push/pull" dynamic is at play.......and your right in the middle of it!!!!

So what now? Wait it out and hope that she comes to her senses before something/someone else enters the picture? Or cut your losses and run?

Your in a tight spot!

My suggestion is a hard 180!! Detach 100%!!! Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life, but it's for your own survival.

Good luck!

Without a desire to reconcile, you'll be wondering every day whether she's changed her mind. Lack of remorse for the hurt she laid on you makes R virtually impossible. I think you have explained that to her, and gotten the "I'm not sure, I'd like to try" response. Hardly a ringing endorsement that she loves you after all this.

I've said this before,,but it's like you cheated on her causing her to go back and forth about whether she wants to remain married. It seems she's just gone flat or indifferent. You deserve better. Is she on antidepressant drugs,for the first time or taking a new one? You should ask her in conjunction with a brief discussion of her lack of emotion over this entire trauma. Why? So you don't think you haven't tried to help.

Maybe that will help you know you're doing the only thing you can do for you. It is not your job to make her perpetually happy. Only she can really make,herself happy..

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 7:24 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

Hi IUH,

How was your weekend? Hope you are ok.

I'm bad. It's incredibly hard living with her, because I still have such strong feelings for her. We have the house up for sale and will get our own places when it sells, but right now is horrible.

I know (I hope) I will eventually feel better about everything, but it doesn't seem possible right now.

IUH

This post you made was a surprise I think to most of us in that the last message you sent seemed to indicate that she was still telling you she did not want D. I was actually going to recommend that you start to get house ready for sale because it is going to be very difficult still being in the same house with her and especially on e it becomes final.

I have to guess at this point that she is not giving you any reason to be hopeful she would snap out of this. What is anything have you heard on the VAR??? Has she contacted the Canadian again??? What exactly is the toxic girlfriend saying to her? Do your friends and families know what is now happening? What does she tell you she wants, her freedom to be with you or her freedom to be with you and do what she wants to???

I actually thought there was a chance she would snap out of it when you started talking to her about putting house up for sale and the real world came to light but from your post it seems like she is now detaching from you.

It is absolutely mind boggling to me that she could be doing this over a guy she never even had sexual intercourse with, and I still do not believe that is true even if it did not happen in Mexico. I am guessing she is still claiming that he never came down to see her while she was calling him every night. And it is even more mind boggling that he was thinking she would leave you and telling her he loved her after they had not physically seen each other for months and have only been in each other's presence for two days. I would honestly have to see the results of a lie detector to believe that. If I am wrong, then this could not have been avoided because she did not want to be married anymore to anyone. This does happen to a lot of people when they get married so young and one gets to feel like they are missing something.

This we know is going the be rough for a while, worse than before, because there now seems to be no thought in her mind of trying to fix this on any terms that you could live with.

I know the people who have been communicating with you can help you . It will help all of us if you want the help if you keep up with giving details because as I said I think that you have already put the house on the market will be a surprise to most of us eve though it is a good idea

Hang in there. I know it is tough but you do not have the responsibilities of kids to worry about so you can move on with your life more readily and will not have the added pressure of keeping her in your life that co-parenting would bring.

KEEP POSTING

There hasn't been any changes or new findings since my last post. She doesn't talk to the toxic GF about us anymore (at least not on VAR or phone records). She is telling me she doesn't think she ever really "loved" me. She says she has always loved me, but doesn't think "love love". Her family knows what's going on and I haven't found any information that she has communicated with him the last 2.5 weeks since the last blow up. She says this all more than a out this OP. That he was the catalyst, but she was thinking this way before she met him (she just didn't know it).