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forever.haunted ( member #28645) posted at 10:56 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2010
Friends do not ask us to compromise our integrity, values or commitments.
They do not condone behavior that will be cruel or harm someone else, especially those entrusted to us to love, protect, honor, or cherish.
His AP (former, current, future) is NO friend. Nor is he a friend to her, no matter how he spins it.
ABSOLUTELY!!!
After my fwh's OW told me everything..I remember saying,"wow she sure wasn't your real friend, huh"? He replied, "NO, not at all"!!!
The OW learned that fwh was leading her on with the "i love you" bs for her attention. When she knew he had been feeding her shit for years...she got mad and told me all about their dirty little secrets.
She went to human resources and tried to get him fired. The news of their A (they worked nightshift together in the hospital)went to the corporate level. My fwh held his breath for a few days wondering he is was going to be fired.
He got lucky, wasn't fired but warned if there was anymore drama or problems they both would be fired.
He later turned her in for harrassment when she was making ugly comments to him about his "crazy wife". She got suspended for 3 days.
He quietly put in his two week notice and quit the easiest and best paying job he's ever had...in an attempt to R with me.
I feel safe in assuming they are no longer friends. Things got pretty smelly and foul between them...they both learned, suddenly, there was no real friendship on any reality based level.
forever.haunted ( member #28645) posted at 11:40 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2010
It is very embarrassing to look back at our actions while we were in the fog isn't it. It is so obviously stupid to us now, but in the throes of the fog and fantasy, we acted like complete idiots.
That is helpful to know, thank you.
EmptyCup ( member #22909) posted at 7:35 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2010
And this is the painful irony. The WS may be mourning the loss of something that might not be lost at all, at least not yet. They're just looking for that feeling in the wrong place
And even worse, we're often looking for the *wrong* feeling in the wrong place!
Those feelings I was getting from my affair were an attempt to fill up my bottomless pit of external validation. Not only was I getting my "needs" met in the wrong place, I wasn't even meeting my needs. It was like being addicted to a drug and getting a fix. My real need was to fix myself so I didn't crave that sort of attention. The feelings I seek from my husband aren't the same ones I sought from my AP.
FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3
Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien
wincings_sparkle ( member #27129) posted at 2:58 AM on Sunday, July 4th, 2010
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light
uncertainone ( member #28108) posted at 3:27 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
Me: 37
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Maia ( member #8268) posted at 4:58 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
Friends=Code for an EA
no question.
self-deception is insidious.
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.Psalms 34:18
imscared_k ( member #14061) posted at 11:03 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
After 4 years, when I saw this post, I thought was idiot would think you could be finds with their AP.
Then I realized that I needed to point at myself. Right after d day I was convinced that we could be just friends.
I think it was in a post by Card. He said that when he entered drug rehab, his goal was to learn to drink again normally. That boundary has been crossed, you can't get it back. Once you begun an unhealthy relationship with something, the only way to be healthy again is abstine forever. The A relationship is a prime example.
imscared_k ( member #14061) posted at 8:24 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2010
tryingtofindaway ( new member #29078) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2010
The more I read about the NC the more I like the idea of it & I'm the WS. My situation involves a pregnancy w/the OW and I'm really struggling on how to enact a NC. I've been in the fog & said some, many things that I didn't feel I could back up, but said anyway.
Whether my BS and I R or not is not quite the point of me realizing that things said & done during that fog are the same destructive behaviors that allowed me to become a WS.
It would be too easy of a no brainer to begin that NC right now if,.... if there was no child involved. I'm lost on how I can realize the right thing to do even if the M does or doesn't R is to get myself right inside.
I know that these are advocated to be done right away, could this be a case where the NC can be delayed or given parameters in regards to the child & the child only?
If anyone has insight could you please share whether it's by word or by 2X4 please.
worriedNow ( member #29320) posted at 11:51 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2010
Thanks to everyone who commented on this post. As the BS I realize now how important NC is... Unfortunately for me - the OW continues to reach out. She cried recently saying she "never lost a friend before" and my WS felt sorry for her.. UGH!!
floridaredman (original poster member #15122) posted at 5:22 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2010
She cried recently saying she "never lost a friend before" and my WS felt sorry for her
Friendships and emotional affairs are two different creatures.
When you get so invested in a person that you can't go one full day without speaking to them, telling you miss them and wish that you can see them..that is no longer a "friendship", that's a relationship.
She has not learned to differentiate the two and still foggy.
As long as he stays NC with her, his feelings and hers shouldfade.
" floridaredman, it's good to have you here"...DeeplyScared
Sleep Peacefully
stillhere09 ( member #24924) posted at 4:16 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
Thank you for posting this thread, and thank you to all who have bumped it. One of the best I've ever read on SI, and there are a lot of good ones.
Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
Lost68 ( member #27515) posted at 4:58 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2010
HUFI-PUFI ( member #25460) posted at 1:33 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2010
Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.
HUFI-PUFI ( member #25460) posted at 1:27 PM on Thursday, October 28th, 2010
A bump for a great thread for those newbies (and you know who you are) that are still struggling to get the feelings for your AP under control ... this is a good one to help you in that process.
Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.
slowlymending ( member #26454) posted at 8:19 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2010
This is an excellent thread...I come back and read the wisdom and clarity in your words. Thank you again for your courage.
BW-me
Slowlymending....
Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke
beenthere2? ( member #28554) posted at 5:21 AM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
Wish my WH would decide this/
Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more
Lost68 ( member #27515) posted at 6:30 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2011
WhatHaveIDone?? ( member #30054) posted at 8:37 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2011
worriedNow ( member #29320) posted at 11:18 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2011
Thank you Floridaredman... you have such a clear perspective on everything!
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