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Feb, I read your statement to mean 'You've got to make your own decision - I'm not doing a thing that will allow you to blame me for not going on the trip.'

Tha's important, and it'll be an important signal to you. If she drops out, you've got a reason for a little hope (not much); if she goes, well, certainly R looks a lot more impossible than it does now.

I agree, Feb - she's got to make her own decision on this.

Well she went, and guess what?

I had no idea that she hadn't told our kids about the trip. She told them as she was doing bedtime! Our 9 year old cried himself to sleep.

It was a little taste of what it would look like if one of us was really leaving. Not good.

How wasn't this trip discussed with your kids?

I would think you (as a family) would have spoke about MOmmy's upcoming trip???

This is the first you knew the kids didn't know???

Welcome to the world of backwards thinking and lying.

Your WS told you all these things in the last few days with NO intention of not going on the trip. She just did all of that to hopefully hold you off, or switch gears, or keep things status quo....she did not quite get what she wanted but she had NO intention of cancelling that trip. I can guarantee that.

So now what are you going to do to back up your boundries?

Feb,

I was thinking about you alot yesterday as SI was off line. I hope your doing OK. Funny how the Wayward mind works. I was discussing my wife’s affair last night. We discussed that she went to play in a few tournaments and skipped our son’s first tournament. An experience she will never get an opportunity to get back, and she is really seeing just how selfish and inconsiderate she was to me and our son. Until you let them feel the full impacts of their decisions they will continue to be the most selfish petulant little children on the planet. Time to expose this affair to all BS’s and shine a light on her affair. Your kids deserve a better mom. Maybe she will get the hint, the family is not to be taken for granted.

So when will you expose her for who she is being? You can do it.

I aggree with this "So now what are you going to do to back up your boundries?" Now is the time to follow thru.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 10:07 AM, March 25th (Friday)]

WOW !!

She didn't think it was important that your kids knew she was going away ???

She just doesn't give a damn does she.

Out her ASAP !!!

You and your children don't need this in your lives.

It would just be awful is she didn't go and got FAT, you know.

See her for who she really is.

Hope you're calling the OMs' BSs today.

Take care of yourself first. Be prepared. I would not trust a thing she says about anything.

While she is gone:

Get a secret PO box for mail and correspondence. Open a small checking account and a credit card in your name only. Keep only a little money in it to pay a lawyer etc.

Get a new email address, change passwords on existing accounts. Get all financial documents you need together, make copies of wills, etc.

Discuss with your lawyer about freezing joint credit card accounts so that she cannot run up huge bills that you may be responsible for too. Discuss what you can do with money in savings and 401's etc.

The law is the law. Once you file for divorce, they snap a financial picture of your life and the judge applies the law as it is dictated in your state.

Sorry you are having to go through this nightmare....

Does she know her son cried himself to sleep over this? If not send her a text ASAP and keep reminding her.

She is in such a dillusional fog.... I"m so sorry for your pain Feb. Besides our own pain.... it hurts worse watching your kids suffer when they have ZERO control over it.

All I can add to already great advice from everyone is.... maintain your self as best you can... re-assure yourself of what a good person YOU are.... because you will NOT get it from your WS... at least not for a long... time.

She needs some serious IC.. to fix herself... and then when she is serious about the M - then MC.

If she's not, then NO - you don't (and shouldn't) have to wait in limbo.

You may not be able to totally insulate your kids - and that is what sucks the most.... but you can continue to love them and be there for them.

This is a long.. long.. process .. and hopefully, she will "wake up" before it's too late and YOU have moved on (mentally and emotionally).... without her...

But this is NOT what we buy into when we make the committment to M.

Don't tolerate anything less!!!

I'm feeling for you Feb... hug those kids when you can.

I confess I got lost as to why this trip was such an issue. Is it the fact that she has slept with one or more of the men? Are there any women on the trip?

Or is it that you plan to use the time to end the M?

It's really all about them during the A, isn't it? In their own minds, I mean.

During my H's affair, my son, who is a competitve athlete, had his state meet. H didn't go. My son was the state champion (it's an individual rather than a team sport, so it was all him.)

I think H made up an excuse not to go because we had to travel out of town for a couple of days and it would have been hard to talk to OW in such close proximity to, well, me and DS.

H missed one of the highlights of our son's life, all because he couldn't stand the inconvenience of not being able to talk to OW whenever he wanted.

He now realizes what a BFD that was to DS and what a screw-up it was, but how do you explain that now to DS, a year later?

When we see this behavior, it's clear just how dense the fog can be.

And it so hard to deal with pain inflicted on our kids.

Hugs to you and your son.

Your WS told you all these things in the last few days with NO intention of not going on the trip. She just did all of that to hopefully hold you off, or switch gears, or keep things status quo....she did not quite get what she wanted but she had NO intention of cancelling that trip. I can guarantee that.

Maybe, maybe not. I think that that was one of the reasons that she hadn't told them, that she was still waffling herself.

I know that she's concerned sbout how it looks that she left me with all three for 10 days.

How wasn't this trip discussed with your kids?

I would think you (as a family) would have spoke about MOmmy's upcoming trip???

This is the first you knew the kids didn't know???

Yeah, I know I have to take some of the blame here. It should have been a tip-off when I talked to MIL on March 16 and realized that WW hadn't tolde her, nor asked her to watch our 4 year old on the three days she didn't have school!

But you know, I assumed that she had told them..and she had three bags packed and waiting at the front door for at least a day...sure, kids are self-centred and might not notice that, but man I just assumed that she had told them!

Does she know her son cried himself to sleep over this? If not send her a text ASAP and keep reminding her.

Done.

I confess I got lost as to why this trip was such an issue. Is it the fact that she has slept with one or more of the men? Are there any women on the trip?

Or is it that you plan to use the time to end the M?

Neither of the OM are on the trip.

TP1 =Trip partner 1 (of three)

TP1 is married to S of OBS.

TP1 and TP2 are the two guys from the group that I know the best. We all raced solo in an 8 hour race in July, and TP2's dad was our support team. I lapped them both.

We're facebook friends, and I consider TP1 a friend.

There are no other women on the trip. (and no ladies period)

I wanted to use this time to think, bond with my kids, consider my next steps, establish that she would choose friends over family, etc. I'm glad she went, but its also somewhat difficult. And I'm also F____ing jealous! Everyone who I've told about this trip asks why it isn't my turn. I would love to be riding my road bike in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

MIL:

"You tell those cowboys that you're down there with that you're a married woman and that your mother told you to tell them that."(last night around dinner time)

So she has talked with her mom a bit, but I'm still not sure how much she has said. I may find out in the next 10 days.

[This message edited by Feb 8, 2011 at 11:52 AM, March 25th (Friday)]

Hey Feb,

Sounds to me like she is just waiting for you to do the hard work.

Whether it is the fog or lack of backbone, her going on this trip at this time tells a lot.

She is not ready to commit to the M and would rather have fun than do the right thing.

For whatever reason she just doesn't care right now, if ever.

Did your lawyer say if there is any way to force her out of the house? Or is it going to have to be a shared house seperation?

I can't imagine how hard it would be for you to leave the kids with her if it comes to that.

I think you should cause the sh*t to hit the fan while she is away.

She needs a good shock.

Can you fedex the separation letter to where she is staying?

She deserves to share in this mess.

ETA: Ask yourself, What consequence has she really faced so far?

Good Luck,

Tahiti

[This message edited by Tahiti at 2:30 PM, March 25th (Friday)]

Trying to remember-didn't you want her to go so you could expose her?

Trying to remember-didn't you want her to go so you could expose her?

Yes, but my lawyer and some friends advised against it, saying it could be seen as cruel and spiteful...also I have no issues with TP1, who would have his trip ruined.

TP1 = H of S of OBS.....

Perhaps closer to the end of the trip...

I also wanted her to go so that I could spend time with the kids, so that it could be noted that she chose to go away for 10 days and leave all three of them with me, and just because I needed my space...

MY FIL just called looking for her, after I told him she had already left, he surprised me by staying on the phone...background is that he cheated on MIL 33 years ago, and left for OW...he told me that even though he is still happily married to OW, that he made a mistake...he said he is disappointed in his D, advised me strongly not to leave the house, etc...told me to call him anytime....

So does the OBS know yet?????

but my lawyer and some friends advised against it, saying it could be seen as cruel and spiteful.

No! What's cruel and spiteful is not informing the OM's betrayed spouses that they're married to scum!!

Hmmmm.....10 days away from the hubby and kids....whats a serial cheater to do?

Feb,

I am so sorry for you. I'm adding my 2 cents tonight.

Your wife is really very sick IMHO. More than just fog.

I'd really like to encourage you to think about your children (as I know you have been), and how what they are witnessing between the two of you, is going to affect them (emotionally) someday. Please don't think for a moment that they do not learn from or are oblivious to a very dysfunctional situation at home.

Please, make very strong decisions for them. And do it now! One stable parent is better than two parents in the dance you are going through.

I wish you nothing but a positive end to this.

Guess what? After crying himself to sleep Thursday night when his mom left for a 10 day trip on 30 minutes notice, my 9 year old didn't even mention her at bedtime last night, nor did the other two.

I am sad right now. But that is good. It means that, in her absence, my head is starting to win the battle with my heart, that I am seeing things more clearly.

I have started working out financial separation scenarios in Excel (shared house, she goes, I go) to discuss with her when she gets back.

I am going to text her later to tell her that since she has seen the letter of separation (she steamed open the envelope so it wouldn't be "official"), I'm saying that it has been received, but that I will contact my lawyer to give her a 10 day extension because of her trip.

One more thing...the weather forecaset for where she is on her cycling training vacation...give me a sec to convert to imperial...

47 degrees

100% P.O.P.

1 - 1.5 inches of rain

raining morning, afternoon, evening