Oh Feb, I feel so sorry for you. Believe me, I know the pain.
But I have to tell you that you need to get busy fighting and get out of this self-destructive mode you are in. Yes. Self-destructive. You are killing yourself right before our eyes.
Did you re-read her responses to you? She doesn’t have one bit of remorse. She is lonely. She didn’t say that. She she she she she she she she. I am glad your intellect has finally comprehended what kind of person she is. But it is clear your heart has not and that is killing you.
You ARE taking positive steps, but every one of them has been hedged. You are more worried about her than yourself. Or more correctly, you are worried that the next step you take will irreparably damage any chance of her running back to your arms. Feb, I say this with all due respect, but she is probably in the arms of another man right now (well, it is morning, so she is on her bike, but…) YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS - she is not going to come back to you through acts of kindness or civility on your part.
Look, I know you know everything I am writing here. Buffalo has spelled it out in spades for you. But I have to say it again, because I do not want you keep suffering needlessly. Specifically:
Your lawyer’s advice about outing the affair was specious at best and possibly misinterpreted by you because that is what you wanted to hear. Yes, publishing her affair in the Toronto Star would be considered cruel by a judge. Telling the betrayed spouses that your wife has had multiple affairs with men and could be an STD risk is simply covering your ass. Face it, you have known about the affairs and they are probably continuing. The first spouse that gets infected and finds out you knew but did not disclose could come after you. (Not that such a civil suit would win, but do you really want to face that??)
I know you do not want to out the affairs. You are afraid on many levels. I get that. BUT YOU HAVE TO. You do not need to be cruel, but simply factual. If you are wondering how to do it, here is a script
“Mrs. Betrayed Wife,
It has come to my attention that my wife, Mrs. Feb, has had more than one sexual extra-marital affair. I have several electronic communications from your husband indicating that he was one of her affair partners. I am sorry to inform you of this, but you have a right to know. If you need copies of these communications, I will be reluctantly willing to share them with you, but no one else. Further, I highly recommend you see your doctor to discuss STD screening, because she has had more than one affair.”
Second, what has changed for her? As Buffalo said, NOTHING. She WANTS an in-house separation from you where you do the child care, earn the money, tend to things around the house, but one that LETS HER FUCK OTHER MEN. She has won. I bet you a year’s pay that is exactly what she is thinking. She probably has plans A-E for manipulating you into giving her what she wants through the separation process.
Meanwhile, you are heartbroken. She knows it. You are suffering. She knows it and it does not bother her. She thinks she has all the cards and intends to use them to cause you further pain for her own gain.
So where do you go from here? Are you going to continue to hope that she will recover her senses, rush back to your arms and forsake the other men? Or are you going to put yourself and your children first and move on with your life? You know the right answer. Make those calls…
Still sending you strength to realize what you have to do.
