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Skan ( member #35812) posted at 12:55 AM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
I am so very sorry. (((hugs))) All of your family will be in my prayers.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 1:03 AM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
(((DaysOfMyLife)))
I am so sorry.
Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 40 years, Reconciled
DaysOfMyLife (original poster member #40265) posted at 1:07 AM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
Thanks everyone. I am just putting one foot in front of the other. His family is blaming me and want to take his remains back across the country to be buried. He did not want that but my family is great and will protect me and my kids from any negativity they may bring with them.
DS started counselling today with the school guidance counsellor. Our school distract has a psychologist on staff so we did the paper work for that. His school is great and they are committed to making sure he gets all the help he needs.
I am bringing DD to school tomorrow to see her counsellor and I am assuming that she will also be signed up with the psychologist. Her school contacted me today to offer any support we may need and to ask to be updated on the funeral plans as some of the teachers want to be there. DS school asked for the same thing. I have great kids that leave an impact on people's lives and now they will see just how many people love them.
I will be speaking to my counsellor tomorrow. She was off today but sent me an email that she will call me first thing in the morning and we will get an appointment set up right away.
I have a huge support system of family and friends. I am a doula and my doula friends are having a fundraiser for us. I don't know what I am feeling, I cycle through every emotion hourly. My kids are keeping me sane! It's really difficult because since D day I have been focusing on all of the bad things that happened during our marriage so that if he came back I would be strong enough to say no. Now I am just thinking about the good times and reminding myself that he had depression and unfortunately he wasn't able to fight back this time. I don't think he planned it for very long, I think it was a pretty rash decision. I think he may have had a moment where he realized what he had done to me and our family. I am trying to convince myself that he didn't even consider the fact that DS would find him but I don't know if I will ever believe it.
Thanks again for all of the support, it really helps to get on here and see that people who don't even know me or my kids are thinking about us.
BW now 38
WH 35 (deceased)
DS 18 DD 10
Together 12.5 years Married 8.5 years
D Day July 22, 2013
WH died by suicide
LAFA ( member #31868) posted at 1:55 AM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
My sincere condolences to you and your children.
When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.
doggiemom12 ( member #36041) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
My late STBX did this exact thing. He hung himself in the garage last September 7. Our mediation was over and we had agreed on everything and it was time to transfer the money and end it. I had been out of the house for almost a year.
Even though I did not love him it was very difficult and since we were still legally married I had to take care of everything. That time seems so surreal to me now.
Get counseling and DO NOT TAKE GUILT ON YOURSELF. People who take their lives are mentally ill. There is nothing you could have done to stop it. So sorry for your child who found him.
Hugs and I will say a prayer for you.
White bird must fly or she will die . . .
blindsided03 ( member #40302) posted at 1:03 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
i'm so sorry!! and esp for your son!!! I know that's terrible. When I was 16, my best friend found her mom hanging in the kitchen. Two years later, she ran a marathon for charity, went to Harvard, and became a lawyer. Your kids will get through this. It might be the end of their father's life, but it won't be the end of theirs. I lost my dad when I was 6, and even though I still miss him everyday, I've moved forward, too. I went to medical school, I worked hard, and even traveled the world. Your daughter will need a lot of guidance during those teen years, because they're definitely hard. It's very hard for a girl who wants male approval and doesn't have a father. She's going to need the help of you and big brother a lot! You guys will get through this, though. It's terrible, and shocking, but it's not your fault. He did leave you to clean up one giant mess, though. How irresponsible to leave himself hanging for his son to find. He should have been a better man and a better father. But, something that may help you guys heal: A man or woman who commits suicide is most likely Borderline PD. It sounds like with his risky sexual behavior (the A) that he probably has this disease. Do some research, learn about it, and feel better because nothing you did, or could have done, or will do can change BPD. good luck. The diagnosis helped me deal with healing from my husband's A because I realized that it really was just him. Hugs.
BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/12...he's a borderline
painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 1:14 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
I just saw this. Dear God, I am so so sorry. What a horrific nightmare, and now to have your in-laws blaming you...I just can't imagine.
Stay strong sweetie.
((((DOML and children))))
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk
Laura28 ( member #28997) posted at 1:31 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
((((DOML and children))))
I am so sorry for you and your family.
Sending you prayers
Laura
Married 42yrs Me BW 68Yrs Him F?WH 70yrs OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted. Dday May 28 2010. OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years). OW2 2002(8yrs PA). OW3 2009(1Yr PA). Others?? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck 'em"
simpleD ( new member #40321) posted at 1:38 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
Praying for you and your children at his difficult time. God bless you with strength and courage to face the coming days and weeks with dignity and grace.
BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery
noprincess ( member #38660) posted at 1:39 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
I am so very sorry for your loss...add my prayers to those for you and your dear children. Many hugs...
"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill
homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
You might be right about this being a rash decision. When it was only 2 months out from Dday, my XWH was very chaotic. He threatened to wrap his truck around a tree, said we would be better off if he were gone, laying scratches down the driveway, telling me he was saving a place in hell for me, and on and on. So unlike him.
I am sorry....
Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55
Dadtryingtocope ( member #36726) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
I have no words for this other than I am sorry for you and your kids and the families. You have a lot of support here and we are all here to listen and provide it. Our hearts and prayers go out to you and your kids. A terrible thing for kids to deal with. You are doing great.
BH me 47
WW her 39
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (13, 10)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13
getnbtr1 ( member #40540) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
So sad...so tragic...for everyone. Great that you and your children have such an amazing support system. So much blame gets thrown around after events like this. Hope you stay focused and strong when you can so that your family/friends/community can heal. I'm so sorry.
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
Oh my heart aches for you.
What a horrible, selfish thing to do to your children.
Please make sure your son knows that his dad was unwell, and that he took a path that is never a good choice. Please let your kids know they are wonderful people, and you are stong and there for them, every day.
Keep posting, my heart and prayers go out to you that you may find some peace.
(((and strength))))
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
npain ( member #33539) posted at 5:24 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
My prayers are with you and your family. I'm glad that your son is in counseling, he will need it after this.
His family blaming you is really no excuse--it was WH's decision and his alone. Hopefully in time they will see that.
Much hugs...
S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 5:50 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
Im so very sorry for your loss, and the pain you and the kids are going through.
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Thinkingtoomuch ( member #31765) posted at 5:56 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
Sending my heartfelt prayers for you and your children and family.
So very, very sorry...
jilted12 ( member #35640) posted at 7:02 PM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013
Oh my goodness, how terribly awful for you and your kids. Please don't let his family make you feel guilty. Just like the affair, he chose to do this. Not that either thing was a good decision but you are not to blame!
Thinking of you and your children during this difficult time. (((DOML)))
Me: BS 42
Him: WS 40
Married 10 yrs, together 13
DS-9, DD-7, DS-3
D-Day 5/9/12, 2 days before #3 was born
Filed for D 8/12; D final 4/13
"I used to be married but I'm better now"
fallingquickly ( member #36599) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013
I'm so sorry for you and your children.
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
NotGonnaTakeIt ( new member #35875) posted at 3:46 AM on Thursday, September 5th, 2013
I am so sorry for all of you. You sound so strong and you and your dear children will get through this. My prayers are with you all.
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