I, too, have been where you are, Mandy. Hugs! And I promise you that you can survive and even thrive. But you really do need to understand a few things.
Eight years ago, my SLAWH was diagnosed as a sex addict. I, myself, have added the love part (since his A and related acting out in the last two years) because I can see those traits/characteristics in him. There are people--even here on SI--who don't believe such a thing exists. Doesn't matter much to me. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then I'll do best treating it like a duck. What some don't understand is that addiction escalates. There are so many SAs today because porn--the gateway drug to sex addiction--is so prevalent. When my WH was a boy, he'd have to wait months between glimpses of naked women. Nowadays, it can be an hourly pursuit. Heavens! All it takes is a few minutes of commercials anymore. It took my husband 35 years to escalate to an A; it takes nowhere near that time today. All the sexual vices are SO, SO, SO available.
Just reading your first few posts, reading about your WH's selfish "me me me" mentality, made me think he was either a narcissist or an addict. Later posts--especially his conversation to you about how he looked at all women and thought of only sex, how he was into porn, how little impulse-control he has, how much shame he feels, and how he masturbated next to you, in bed, while you were sleeping (and then AWAKE!) and he was sex-chatting a complete stranger--convinced me that your treating him like he's an addict will get you farther and healthier than anything else.
I would never, ever R with him, no matter what, until he's seeing a therapist regularly. A CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) would be ideal, but any therapist trained in addiction could be a helpful place to start. It may take a while to find the right match, but it's worth pursuing if you both want to save your M. Addicts are liars. Any person engaged in an A is a liar. But addicts who are not in recovery are consummate liars. If their lips are moving, they're lying.
You, too, need IC. Again, someone who's trained in addiction could be helpful. You are addicted to his love and to his presence and to fulfilling his needs. I don't believe that all spouses of addicts are co-dependent. Experts in the field don't all believe that, either. But I DO think we've all learned some coping strategies (after 20 years of marriage, how could you not?) that could be considered co-dependent.
Another help for you could be an S-Anon or COSA group. I've been attending for 7 months now and I've learned so many valuable strategies for dealing with an addict, reclaiming my self-respect, respecting my needs, and reinforcing my boundaries. Plus, I have women--in real life--who understand only too well what I've experienced. It is the ultimate healing place. Like SI is for betrayed spouses, S-Anon is for wives of sex addicts. It's there I learned the phrase, already told to you here, that you didn't cause it (his addiction), can't control it, and can't cure it. He is the ONLY one who can get himself sober and into recovery. Another helpful phrase, especially when your WH talks about your being unattractive, is QTIP: quit taking it personally. As much as it affects you and it feels like it's about you, it's not. It's about him, about his brokenness, about his issues, about his lack of an acceptable means of comforting himself. We all have trials and challenges; we don't all turn to food or alcohol or sex or gambling or cigarettes to numb the pain.
The spouses of sex addicts thread is phenomenal. Those posters are women who have been there, done that. They--we--can guide you through this especially heinous place you've found yourself in through no fault of your own. Some of the spouses there are D'd; some are S'd; some are R'd; some are in between. Our experiences run the gamut, but each of us "gets" what you're up against.
FYI, my WH and I are the parents of four and had been married 21 years when he met his AP. He--as many regular men in an A and many more addicts do--broke NC several times. Since they live several states away from each other and since she broke it off, those reconnections were never sexual. He's a sex-and-love addict, so he thought--if he wasn't making love to her or sexting her--that they could still be "friends" and keep up the texting and the "harmless" banter. And his fog was THICK. Tangible. The more distance he has from her, the more clarity he gets. They see each other 3-4 times a year, but he continues, with each face-to-face, to withdraw more and more. While not into recovery, he's strong enough now to shift his addiction to actions (video-gaming and food-eating and money-spending) that are less personally devastating. And he's working on those with his counselor. I can see, weekly, the tiny steps that show me he's healing. And I know that as he does it, the shame that's eating him up gets put into perspective. Once that happens, the shame can become mere guilt, then the guilt can translate into even more positive actions. And his depression--true, deep, soul-damning--will ease, too.
Unless a wayward is a complete monster (addicts battle demons but are NOT demons themselves), they DO feel shame and guilt for devastating their loved ones. They deal with that in different ways, but they all have to deal with it. Hopefully, with some strong boundaries from you and some expert help from a counselor, your WH can get what he needs to make reconciliation possible AND worthwhile. In the meantime, work on healing yourself: TLC from you to yourself and some reading/group therapy about SA. You CAN do this!!!
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:46 PM, June 9th (Monday)]
