SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was just about to bring up your IC. Good - you need her right now. You need those dogs, too.

This party was actually for the particular woman that he had targeted. She is leaving the dept and it was a good bye party. The other women were joking around that now that she is leaving who is he going to harass and tease and make laugh now that she is gone. It was said more than once. It wasn't said directly TOO me, but with me right there. She herself has said to me that he gives her a hard time. That is part of what he does. Part of the dynamic.

Ugh. It's a little better and a little worse than I imagined, if that makes any sense? Better because it's not like they were trying to tell you something or hurt you, but worse because it was HER party. Kudos to you for holding together during the party. I'm not sure I would have been able to show as much grace in the same situation.

Were you at all aware of this dynamic?? I mean, did he ever talk to you about giving her a hard time or any of the joking that made her laugh?

He didn't realize he had crossed boundaries until I kept laying it out for him. He just didn't see it. Now he does. Hopefully with starting IC again he can get to the bottom of it this time.

I went through this with my H just last summer. His was with email - things I felt were flirty, he saw as friendly.

He didn't understand at first - a few days later he came to me and said "You're right, I still have shitty boundaries" -

I think it's a lifelong process for WS to constantly reevaluate and check themselves with their behavior.

TaKe your time. Think it through. Work it through with HL. You will know what your path is when it's clear.

Yes he did, when he first started doing it, and I asked him to stop then. And I asked him to stop after a party a few months ago when I realized he was still doing it. This is something I asked him today, why he kept doing it when I had asked him multiple times to stop doing it. He had no answer. I told him that he obviously had zero respect for me or what I wanted. He only cared about himself. That really hurt that he completely disregarded what I asked from him to do what he wanted to do to continue to get validation from this.

I am having trouble getting a read on him right now. He is acting very distant and quiet.

My H was the same way - to the point he was almost trying to avoid me. This is him - he needs time to process alone. It is so hard to wait for him - because while he's processing, I'm imagining all the worst case scenarios as to why he is avoiding me. Thankfully we both recognize it and can work with it.

hat really hurt that he completely disregarded what I asked from him to do what he wanted to do to continue to get validation from this.

I can see how hurtful this is. When you get to the point that you articulate a need after all you've been through and then it's ignored, well,it sucks.

Yes he did, when he first started doing it, and I asked him to stop then. And I asked him to stop after a party a few months ago when I realized he was still doing it. This is something I asked him today, why he kept doing it when I had asked him multiple times to stop doing it. He had no answer.

That's how the OW became the OW, in our situation. He talked about her and it reached a point where I told him he was divulging too much personal information when he told me they had spoken in a group setting (this turned out to be a lie) about their number of sexual partners and I told him he should never be discussing things like that at work. Shortly after that, he told me that she had been brutally assaulted by an ex, but wasn't going to let that bother her and I told him that either it didn't happen or she wasn't handling it well and, either way, she was going to be trouble for SOMEONE and it didn't need to be him, so he should keep a distance. At that point, he stopped talking to me about her- he put the wall between us and it was the two of them on the other side. The rest is history.

(((TG)))

I can't even believe this. I'm sure you feel that times 100.

I'm just in complete shock. I feel so betrayed for you. Like, AYFKM??? Ugh!!!

I'm trying to channel my inner TG for advice. Probably best if you find her instead. What would you say if this was someone else's thread? What great question would you ask?

I will say this...being willing to get through anything except another A doesn't provide space for the boundaries that prevent A's. Clearly, HL needs some tighter boundaries. You deserve them to feel safe. Maybe it's time to think about putting those in place?

Yes, he does need to find tighter boundaries. For both of us to be safe.

Sitting here hoping that the reason he said he was going to be late today was truly because of a meeting and not because of something else. I hate that I am back in this place. All of this shit had disappeared, I was no longer having triggers. I don't want to be back here dammitt!!!!

(((tg)))

Well, that's just terrible timing! I wish there was something I could do to ease your worry.

You know the drill...a new d day resets healing.

Hoping the HL knows the appropriate response to your triggers.

((TG))

TG...how long has this been going on, that you know of? Looks like HL has been pretty quiet on here the last 6 weeks or so. I know I completely checked out from here when I was in my EA. Have you noticed any other questionable behavior recently?

I texted him the gist of my trigger. He called me when the meeting was over and said he was heading home and that no he had not spoken to her. This just fn sucks.

I'm so sorry TG.

I am encouraged that you reached out in such pain and have received so much support.

Sending you good vibes and strength...

This need for validation - to get a laugh, a smile, some kind of approval...its like they are 17 all over again isn't it?

((tg)) I hope you can sleep some tonight. The mind will be racing.....keep breathing to help calm you. You have many friends here.

Several months.

He has been quiet on here. He told me why and I understand it, however I have asked him to become active again. Not sure if he will.

I've got nothing but hugs and strength to lend you, honey. ((((tg))))

being willing to get through anything except another A doesn't provide space for the boundaries that prevent A's.

Perhaps you need to re-think your definition of what constitutes *all in*, TiGi, because it seems that your current stance has left him all kinds of wriggle room that he has been taking advantage of. And since you told him that your only true *deal-breaker* was another physical A, HL doesn't seem to be as vigilant and respectful of you and your marriage as he should be because he keeps walking right up to that line.

I have to admit that I am totally baffled by his behavior. Totally. In my mind he's MrBoundary. There was not one other WS that ever posted more about protecting marital boundaries than him. I just keep thinking "What.The.Everloving.Fuck????"

I'm just so sorry to hear about this, TiGi.

((((((Tired girl))))))))

That's all I can offer you.....someone that cared enough about a virtual stranger to engage me to the point of finally getting it. You have your own struggles....and you did what you did for me. A turning point in my journey thanks to your kindness, grace and mercy. Traits that are a real part of you and will serve you well into the future.

I pray more wisdom comes to me so that I can begin to repay what you did for me recently.

Peace be with you.