SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

naiveagain

I will think about the questions that you asked me. I have IC again on Thursday, so those questions will be a good jumping off point for discussion. Thanks for the feedback@

[This message edited by pizzalover at 9:04 PM, September 8th (Monday)]

The thing that stands out to me in regard to all the replies calling out mpb.....

Who are we, anyone actually, to put a timeline on mpb's healing???

So it's been 18 months??? If he is still in that frame of mind, then he is.

I am over two years out and the pain is still VERY intense.

Cut him some slack, the affair was over 3 YEARS! 18 months is not necessarily enough time for this not to be considered "EARLY DAYS". That is for mpb to say, and no one else.

I believe that if PL is truly remorseful (and I believe she is) then she already understands that.

Just my opinion.

[This message edited by devotedfool68 at 10:56 PM, September 8th, 2014 (Monday)]

Devotedfool

I believe that if PL is truly remorseful (and I believe she is) then she already understands that.

I am remorseful. I also understand that there is no time limit on his pain.

That frustrates him because he wanted me to be sickened by it then when I was doing it. I think he keeps asking me things over and over or discussing the same topics because he is trying to make sense of my illogical actions.

Honestly, after you do enough IC and you dig deep enough, I think your actions won't seem so illogical.

With my current WSO, I can completely understand now why he did what he did. Doesn't make it okay, but it makes sense. Basically, what it boiled down to, was that because of his FOO issues, he did not have healthy boundaries, healthy self-esteem, or a healthy way to resolve conflict. He just did not have any of those skills. No one had ever taught him, in fact, his FOO taught him very unhealthy communication/relationship skills. But, because he wants this relationship so badly, he has been willing to learn those skills. He put into place certain boundaries, without me even asking, to help me feel safe.

I do think your BS will start healing better once he understands what made you do what you did, because once we figure out why we do something, we can figure out how to stop doing it in the future. Because a big part of my SO's A was due to his low self-esteem, he is working hard on finding ways to build that. Also, now, both of us have made it safe to speak our thinking processes. We understand that just because we think something, that does not make it true, but we also found out that it was his faulty thinking that led him down that path before, so when he starts thinking any types of dark thoughts, he shares them with me immediately, and we talk them through. This has been a wonderful thing for our relationship. We have deepened our bond, and I feel a lot safer now that he is sharing his thought patterns with me. Sometimes they are a bit surprising or shocking! But after we start talking them through, we can figure out where they are coming from and correct any faulty thinking or fallacies.....

Who are we, anyone actually, to put a timeline on mpb's healing???

This because the passage of time is not always relative to the healing that has taken place. When we say a certain period or acceptable activity for that period should be over we need to use their healing, instead of a calendar to measure that.

A year ago I wasn't much further along in my healing than I was 3 years before that.

A few people have gotten to the guts of her original post and that's why she still gets so much personal worth from outside validation.

I'm glad to hear you are working on it pl. Keep pushing yourself, keep digging. You deserve to have a healthy and stable image of yourself. And your bh needs that too for security in your marriage. He needs to know, you got your own back first.