SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And we'll all be here for you as long as you want us to talk to you! Just make sure that if we're not giving you what you want&need, to remind us of it, okay?

Don't be surprised or berate yourself for going through wild emotional swings in the near future. It's the "fun" roller-coaster ride, and for a while it will be rough. But with time and hard work on yourself, it will get smoother and smoother, and at some point you'll reach acceptance and indifference with regards to her.

Do you have a go-to person to call or text when you get down or feel the urge to call her etc.? You can always write here instead of calling here, but it might be also good to have someone you can all at almost all times.

How are the kids these days?

What are your and her family saying about all this?

Best wishes!

HurtNAlone

You are doing great.

Can I make one suggestion?

Show your WW consequences.

Send her a text. "Your Ex BF keeps contacting me to tell me about your two affairs prior to him.

Please contact him and tell him to stop contacting me. He is no friend of mine.

Let him know we are divorcing.

I refuse to clean up anymore of your messes from your infidelity."

It is called tough love. Let her clean up her messes.

Send a clear message. Set your boundaries.

HM

Brother, I was going thru some tough moments myself today. I did a little pain shopping today checking out my WW's FB page. I instantly was angry with myself for doing so, not that I saw anything, but just that I succombed to that stupid notion.

And yeah, I wanted to call her up and say what you were thinking of saying to your WW: "Why and how could you be doing this?!?!"

I hate this shit, brother. I hate feeling like this and I hate hearing others like you having to deal with betrayal. I just don't understand ANY of it. All of its so stupid and pointless and, at least my WW, thinks (or at least acts) like this is all okay and that things like this just kind of happen. You know, just kind happens like catching a cold... Ugh, I hear you bro. Loud and clear.

read that post right above by happyman64.

Spot on. Don't pet the Drama Llama enforce consequences and go silent. Time to back away from her, she suffers her consequences.

Thanks Hobbes. Not sure if I have a single go-to person when I get those sudden urges, but both my brothers and my sister have been amazing through this whole process. Plus, a new friend from church is nearly always available through text. Normally, when I feel myself slipping, I'll either come to this site and read / post, or I'll start firing off texts to nearly everyone on my contact list. It helps me to vent and then I start to feel better.

The kids are doing OK I think, and starting to adjust. It's toughest on the younger boys, and my 8-year-old really struggles sometimes, especially with overnights away from home. There have only been a couple, but it's an emotional meltdown for the poor kid every time, and I always have to take 10 or 15 minutes at bedtime to reassure him. My 15-year-old is not really an emotional being, with the autism, so he's probably taking it better than anyone, just sort of matter of fact. When I ask him, he says he is sad and usually a comment about how mom should just come home, but he doesn't dwell on it. My 18-year-old and I have become very close and he's completely on my side. He still loves his mother but doesn't understand her decisions, and I'm sure he has lost almost all respect for her. Unfortunately for her, that's going to be one of the big prices she has to pay; he will never look at her the same again. I just hope that this experience doesn't scar my kids so badly that they end up having a hard time with relationships down the road.

My family has lost all respect for WW, doesn't understand her at all, and is pushing me to move ahead full force on the D. WW's family is on my side too and wants me to document everything, as they don't trush her, and want me to have full custody of the boys. But they are sort of more in the camp of hoping for a R in the next few months.

Happy, that's not a bad suggestion, but I know that if I did it, she would definitely be attacking that guy, and he would just deny everything. She hates him since he is the one who outed her to me, and she would have preferred to just keep me in the dark until she had things all lined up with current OM for the big move. But I have set boundaries in terms of keeping communication mostly to text and about kids and money. She's always polite to me and keeps pushing the friendship idea, but I'm not having it. I answer questions directly, but am distant and don't ever elaborate, especially on personal matters. I don't want to know what she did over the weekend and don't expect her to ask me. For the most part, she has started to accept it. Not sure if it bothers her or not, but she's playing along for now.

HA,

Brother I read what you and some of the others going through this have posted. The HOPE, the she wasnt always this person! I hear you and am with you guys on that. Believe me, me and mine, we always got the you two are the perfect couple, good looking, the perfect team, took pride in our family and how we were raising the kids, we were the ones everyone came to but let me also tell you that this is not the time for it! It sucks brother, it really does and believe me I know it hurts. From what you describe you are still in shock and on the roller coaster. The "everyday it changes", yeah thats the roller coaster. That is why I and many here are saying to lawyer up asap! As Happyman just posted as well, consequences.

Like many on here say, they follow the cheaters handbook so not much is unique, but we all have our own situations so thats what makes our own stories, OUR OWN! I highly recommend a Lawyer to help protect you while your emotions change! Brother, it fucken sucks, hurts, kills you especially when you are holding on to hope, we all do and did, and even more with the kids involved, but at this point its a must!

Myself, I got to a point to where I decided to make a plan and stick with it no matter how bad it hurt. I honestly dont know what I would of done without some close friends and especially with what I got HERE on SI! The outcome did not matter anymore, because no matter what none of this would of happened if it wasnt for her selfish decisions! Your holding on to hope I would say is ok at this time, but you are now at a point to where you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it! If that is even possible. Myself, thats exactly what I did. I lost the marriage and as time went on I got stronger and strong enough to make sure I wasnt gonna let her or anyone hurt my kids! I got to a point to where I decided to go broke if I had to, to defend my kids! I decided to do and show her and everyone else that no body was gonna hurt my kids more than what their mother was already doing and was gonna put a stop to her crap! I can go on and on, but my point here is that I TOOK CONTROL brother! I took control of the situation. It took me about 2 to 3 months to get on my feet to do that, but with my lawyer and the great people here on SI, they helped guide me and protect me as I gathered myself!

Thats why we say keep posting brother, everyone here has been in those shoes you are wearing now! Man I still am wearing mines only im looking for a new pair while yours are newer .

Ill be at 9 months here in a few days, and I remember when I found this place and people would tell me it gets better and I would just think how could it? People would say things about my ex and I would say no, they dont know her, they dont know what they are talking about but you know what brother, they were right on with what they were telling me!

Again, everyone is different, but at this time you must think about you and the kids only! For your families sake, I do hope she snaps out of it, but no matter what its all about you and your kids. Protect yourself brother. There will be plenty of time for whatever later down the road. Give time time! But at this time, protect protect protect!

I walk around the house and still see a lot of her clothes, pictures of us together, even certain pots & pans trigger a memory, and the flood of emotions comes rushing in. Haven't broken into tears nearly as often but once in a while just can't hold it back.

Easy fix. Box all of these items up and set them on the front porch or in the garage. Then text your wife and tell her you have all that stuff gathered up and she has so many days to come and get it if she wants it. Give her a deadline. tell her if she does not come get the stuff you are taking it to Goodwill or St. Vince.

I also recommend that you have all the locks on the house changed. She abandoned the house so prevent her from going back in there without consent.

I know this sounds harsh but you need to protect yourself. She left. If she wanted all that stuff she has had plenty of time to come and get it. Don't make any excuses for her.

BP, I hear you brother, but just to give you some perspective on my unique situation, for the most part WW has been very non-aggressive with me. I know, I know...probably a dangerous thing to assume it will stay that way. So I am documenting everything to protect myself but I am also playing nice as long as it appears to be working. I've had 2 different attorneys tell me that based on the terms WW is currently seeking, I am coming out in pretty good shape. Maybe not ideal, but she's not contesting anything either and it's going to save thousands in legal fees if we can make it to the settlement.

Once papers are filed and I have legally binding terms, then it's time to get serious and you can bet all that stuff laying around the house is going, one way or another. That's also the same day locks get changed and she forever loses a key. If it gets nasty before then, I'll take appropriate steps but I've only got to get through another 3-4 weeks before we file. I'm just planning on laying low, as much as it sucks, in hopes that I save myself a bunch of money.

I guess those are the sorts of things that everyone means by "consequences", and maybe that's the type of stuff that will actually have her sit up and take notice. I've gone to mostly NC except for texting about kids, and as far as I can tell, it hasn't phased WW in the least. In fact, it really pisses off how indifferent she seems to be about it. And I get even more mad thinking about her out with friends having a good time, laughing it up, like the world is a perfect place at the moment. TBH, I don't even know how she spends most of her time anymore, other than nights where she has kids, but the unwanted images pop into my head. If I didn't think it would be totally unfair to the other person, I would start casually dating now, just so the kids could see and start giving mom stories about the pretty woman friend dad brought over. Ugh, I'm still a mess.

But you can still box all that stuff up and put it in the garage. Out of sight, ought of mind, you know? It would probably be therapeutic and a way of mentally bringing closure to some things.

I've gone to mostly NC except for texting about kids, and as far as I can tell, it hasn't phased WW in the least. In fact, it really pisses off how indifferent she seems to be about it. And I get even more mad thinking about her out with friends having a good time, laughing it up, like the world is a perfect place at the moment. TBH, I don't even know how she spends most of her time anymore, other than nights where she has kids, but the unwanted images pop into my head. If I didn't think it would be totally unfair to the other person, I would start casually dating now, just so the kids could see and start giving mom stories about the pretty woman friend dad brought over. Ugh, I'm still a mess.

But knowing this, aren't you glad you got this sociopathic, selfish person out of your life?

My guess is that she has been like this all along and the affair finally knocked the love-goggles off you and you finally stepped back and saw her for what she really is.

Your STBXWW is creating her own hell on earth. Someone with her poor coping skills has no chance of living out her life in any happy or meaningful way. In fact women and mothers like her are the ones who end up being ignored and forgotten as they grow old.

[This message edited by BeerParty at 5:29 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

Brother, I hear you. I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel right now. When I was pain shopping earlier, I just saw how my WW had just dyed and changed her hair style and had a great big ol' smile on her face like life was just grand! Meanwhile, me and my oldest are here doing what we can just to make through our days. He can't stand to be in the house, always wants to go somewhere and do something and as much as I would love to do this for him, its just a matter of money and consistency for us. Running around all day and night won't deal with this.

I haven't spoken thru text, call or email with WW since April 2, a little over a month ago. And, like your WW, it doesn't seem to fucking matter to her. The last time I saw her, it was just complete indifference to me; the last 15 years and 2 kids together didn't mean a damn thing to her. In just 3 months since d-day she managed to completely phase me out of her life in any sort of wife-like, or even human-like, compassion.

Also, like your WW, mine is out in the road with OM. Or she's just hanging out and doing whatever it is she's doing. I haven't heard that she's gotten a job at all, or if she has I haven't received a dime of help from her for CS and she's not paying her car payment.

And as much evil satisfaction as it would bring me to bring a strange woman home every night and do what I do, I wouldn't feel good about it. And since I am the primary caregiver for our boys it wouldn't be fair for them either, right now.

None of its fair, brother. I don't think it ever will be. Theres no justice to be had here or no sense of right or wrong. Theres only this emptiness right now, this heart full of hurt and hate that she could be this way and BE OKAY WITH DOING THIS TO ME AND HER KIDS.

BP, yes you're right that I'm better off without a self-centered person with no coping skills in my life, especially at the center of it. I'm not going to continue to defend WW, but believe me, she was NOTHING like this when we first met, or for most of the time I knew her. I can tell you when it all started to change, around 5 years ago. She started taking a bunch of fucking prescription drugs for everything under the sun. Depression, ADHD, sleep aid, you name it. On top of that, she took up smoking both cigs and pot around the same time and alcohol use went from average to party girl. I honestly thing the combined use of all that shit fucked her up in the head.

Why in the hell, you may ask, didn't I notice and do something about it? Because it was a gradual slide over about a years time, and believe me, it was the cause of frequent arguments. It got to the point I figured I was better off just keeping my mouth shut than deal with another blowout. In hindsight, not a good plan, but too late to change it now. Tough life lesson learned.

Funny thing is that when D is final, she's gonna lose insurance coverage and I have no idea how in the hell she'll afford all those expensive prescriptions. Not to mention, smoking is an expensive habit and that loser she's with is in no financial position to help very much. They are already struggling with money, and it's only been a couple of months. I see a hot mess coming in a few months when all the shit she has been taking for granted goes away. I just want to hurry up and get everything finalized before WW realizes what a shit hole she stepped into.

FYI - if you can't tell, my mood is much improved over earlier and I'm back on the pissed side of things. Went for an hour work out and feel great. Like a natural high - highly recommend it for you guys who want to blow off some stress.

Glad to hear you're doing better, brother. When I get all sad/bitter/angry/worried or whatever, I go for a run. I crank some angry music in my headphones and run until I wanna puke. It doesn't take away my emotions but it makes me too tired to dwell on them.

My WW is already having $ issues to. She gets kidney stones pretty regularly and God only k ow how that'll work out for her. Her car payment is 2 months behind and her cell and cae insurance is about to get shut off.

But that's not our worry, brother. We got knocked out in the first round because we didn't know we were fighting. But round 2 is going on and we're getting our hits in now. Round 3... they'll know they fucked up when that round comes up (however long it takes to get there).

ArmyGuy, I feel for you brother. Sounds like you and I are in pretty similar situations and around the same point in trying to deal with the emotional shit storm that our WWs unleashed. Really wish you lived nearby and I would be kicking back with you and a 6-pack couple times/week. Just keep getting out there, meeting new people, being the best father you can be for those kids. In a year, I hope the two of us are comparing stories about who had the craziest WW, and maybe talking up our latest dates. Hang in there brother, it has to get easier.

Starting anti-depressives can be a huge lynchpin. They'll suppress the love hormone, dopamine, so when they get a dose of it in concentrated form (New Relationship Energy) it can theoretically be addictive.

But that absolutely doesn't absolve her, she is still the same awful person that took this fleeting selfish emotion as a tradeoff for destroying her family, including special needs children.

Thanks Eric. I've heard similar stories from other men whose wives started on those fucking anti-depressants. My nephew had his fiance just walk out on him after 3 years together. She just walked out and never came back! That happened about 2 months after starting the script. That shit just fucks people up.

And what you said would explain my WWs pattern of behavior. She NEEDS the heavy dose of new love to feel satisfied, so keeps hopping from guy to guy, meaning current OM is in for a rough ride in a few months. Or possibly before then, my WWs insurance goes away and she can't afford to stay on that shit anymore. Who knows what kind of spiral she'll go into at that point. It's not something I wanna be around for. But yeah, enjoy that prize you stole there, fucking biker dude.

Yup.

Felt bad posting it though, because it doesn't absolve her. Its really worse when you think about it, her needing the love of some shitbag biker is greater than her love of her children.

I can't imagine voluntary surrending 24 hours of time with my developing little humans. They're only kids once and she's consciously chosen to not only miss out on that, but also chosen to forsake ever being their 'hero'. What good parent doesn't want to be a hero to their kids!?

And that's it, guys. How do you voluntarily throw away how your kids will view you??? Mine are teenagers and they know what's she done. They miss her now, but a year or so of her being GONE and having nothing to offer them how will she looknto them then? And her truck driver OM... And don't take it that I'm judging someone based on their profession, but just the step down she took from me being an Active Duty Soldier and IT Professional with a blossoming career to riding the roads with a truck driver just blows my mind...

HA,

I just finished reading your thread. Sorry you are here. 545real brought up an excellent point about the importance of VAR. False DV charges. My WW did this to me. Had me removed from my house and moved the OM in. Now I am awaiting a hearing for exclusive possession coming in a few days. I know the feeling of being castrated and I feel for you. Read my thread 4 month Rollercoaster and you will see how truly these WW's can get. Protect yourself immediately. Good luck, thoughts and prayers.