SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't think confronting the other person helps any unless you have dirt on them that can put them on a tight leash. Other than that, they didn't care about you when they were doing it, they aren't going to suddenly feel morals. Best thing to do is rise above it. That being said...I battle myself with confronting someone, so don't think I don't understand. But in truth he will be cavalier, probably tell me more just to piss me off and cause me to fly to his house and curb stomp him. Now that will lead me to jail and guess who will be talking about it together while I serve 5-10?

I think you played this wrong from the beggining. You need to start putting yourself first. First things first. Get in the gym. Lift hard everyday. Eat perfectly. Second, get a social life and let it thrive. 3. Start pursuing career goals harder then you thought you needed to. Start focusing on you and let your wife find her way to you on her own.

But as for the affair... You handled it wrong. You should have set these rules the night you confronted her.

1.) a timeline of everything. She doesn't seem to be trickle truthing you but get a timeline. Let her know if she ever lies or hides anything again you leave her on the spot. You need to know the nitty gritty. I wouldn't want sex details but I would want to know all the secrets. Like "that time you though I was visiting my aunt in New Mexico, I was actually with him in Vegas." Or "that night I was late to date night was because we were having sex in his car" ... That nitty gritty that really makes it real for both of you.

2. No contact... Ever again. If that means she has to quit her job then so be it... That's her choice to make and I wouldn't feel sorry for her or budge one inch on that. Starting the moment you confronted her, if she communicates with him(or excepts communication from him) ever again... I leave her on the spot

3. The other wife should be told. I would not tell... My cheating wife is one who has to make that phone call... Non negotiable

[This message edited by whammy at 1:34 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

I don't think confronting the other person helps any unless you have dirt on them that can put them on a tight leash. Other than that, they didn't care about you when they were doing it, they aren't going to suddenly feel morals. Best thing to do is rise above it. That being said...I battle myself with confronting someone, so don't think I don't understand. But in truth he will be cavalier, probably tell me more just to piss me off and cause me to fly to his house and curb stomp him. Now that will lead me to jail and guess who will be talking about it together while I serve 5-10?

This guy would be incredibly stupid to start or even be involved in a confrontation. He's a public school principal who is already on thin ice due to some complaints of bullying behavior by teachers. He can't afford for this to get out. My job could probably survive getting in some sort of altercation. Not that I'm going to do it, but he has more to lose.

[This message edited by Frk963 at 1:38 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

If you decide to confront is it legal for you to openly record the meeting? The OM sounds nasty so he might try to make false claims. Or can you bring a witness or meet in public?

It seems they have both risked their professions if this gets out esp for their aspirations of advancement to principal for your WW and superintendent for OM. In my state they would both be fired (it's happened recently) and she might have suit for sexual harassment ironically. They both have a lot to lose which may give you some leverage depending on what you decide is best for your family and you.

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:48 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

And she needs to Move out

The only thing I care about is whether telling him off will make me feel better and give me some sense of power or control. Still trying to figure that out.

In my case, it did. Thing is, I confronted them both when I found out; OM was part of my DDay experience.

Still. Most I've read about here find the experience less than fulfilling, either wishing they'd said more, or wishing they'd not said so much. Most don't turn out like they'd have hoped.

There is so much "other" to focus on. So much that, at the end of the day, is truly more important.

The infidelity situation is so shitty, so emasculating, there's literally nothing that will make you feel better other than either complete reconciliation or divorce, and even then.... you'll not feel better. The whole thing is a shit sandwich.

Hang tough, Frk. You'll survive this.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 1:55 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

If you decide to confront is it legal for you to openly record the meeting? The OM sounds nasty so he might try to make false claims. Or can you bring a witness or meet in public?

It seems they have both risked their professions if this gets out esp for their aspirations of advancement to principal for your WW and superintendent for OM. In my state they would both be fired (it's happened recently) and she might have suit for sexual harassment ironically. They both have a lot to lose which may give you some leverage depending on what you decide is best for your family and you.

If he knows I'm recording it's fine. Though I doubt he would agree, and if he did, he would not tell the truth. Not that he would TTT anyway. Plan was to meet at a Starbucks and sit outside. If too crowded talk in the car.

Yes, they have a lot to lose, but I think they also know that I have something to lose if my wife gets fired. Plus I'd be screwing over his wife if he gets fired. I could threaten all that but I think it backfires since they would know it's a bluff. I agree it's leverage but maybe better if I don't explicitly bring it up. I know they're already thinking about it.

[This message edited by Frk963 at 2:04 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

The only thing I care about is whether telling him off will make me feel better and give me some sense of power or control.

For about 10 seconds until you realize WW and he are still seeing each other.

One of the key tenets of getting through this thing is realizing that you CANNOT control your WW, let alone the OM.

What you can control are your actions and the steps you take to get out of infidelity.

You've been told them:

See a lawyer, separate finances, tell OBS, move WW out of the bedroom/house (if possible), create a list of ACTIONS that WW must take for you to even think about R, file for D if necessary.

That is taking control of YOUR life and the situation. What you can do. After that, it's up to WW to get her head out of her ass. If she does, great, you have a chance of R (remember - you choose if you want to, not her). If not, you're already on the road to recovery.

But - not telling the OBS, not outing them, talking to/blackmailiing the OM...

All of that is just sitting back, hoping that WW/OM will change their behavior. You'll be reacting to what they do. The above is designed for you to start taking action, and they having to respond to it.

For about 10 seconds until you realize WW and he are still seeing each other.

Seems like that's information I'd like to know. Will suck to hear it but will ultimately make it even easier to get over her.

Well with all of the card on the table the best way to find out new, reliable information at this point is to discuss it with her lover's wife. That's the only other person in the world with just as much reason as you to dig dig dig.

Seems like that's information I'd like to know.

You won't get it from OM. So stop dealing with him.

This:

You've been told them:

See a lawyer, separate finances, tell OBS, move WW out of the bedroom/house (if possible), create a list of ACTIONS that WW must take for you to even think about R, file for D if necessary.

That is taking control of YOUR life and the situation.

Forces your WW to make a choice- marriage or infidelity. You'll know very quickly (won't give you passwords, hides phone, doesnt go to IC, is angry at YOU) where you stand. But you've got to make her react to you.

Got it. Off to therapy. Thanks all.

too much talk about the OM. Expose him to work already as well as his wife.

Regarding a gameplan, what is it ? As an attorney, you have levels of organization. So what is your gameplan step by step ?

FRK

After reading the posts thus far your path seems much clearer.

Confronting the other man to make yourself feel better and in control could well backfire and stands to gains you very little.

The other man knows that you know of the affair. If he were scared at all he would be cutting your wife off immediately and trying to secure his own marriage.

The chance that the other man's wife will tell the school seems very slim as she would be cutting off a big source of income for her family. I'm preaching to the choir here, but much of what seems significant in divorce court are the actions of the cheater after discovery. The other man's wife could be a terrific source for information, as you could be to her.

Most here are telling you to end the affair by outing them, start moving on by isolating your wife and giving her a taste of single life, and proceed with the divorce. Sounds like a good game plan.

You've been told them:

See a lawyer, separate finances, tell OBS, move WW out of the bedroom/house (if possible), create a list of ACTIONS that WW must take for you to even think about R, file for D if necessary.

That is taking control of YOUR life and the situation.

That's the best advice so far. and as far as your reluctance to tell the OBS because of how it could affect her financial situation should she decide to kick the OM out or expose him, surely that's her decision

Okay, a VAR is very illegal. What about a gps in the car or on her phone.

That way you could know where she is going at lunch and especially after work. If you even care.

Yes, talking to the OM really sounds like a good idea, but it could backfire. You go there expecting to tell him what you think of him, and he looks at you and laughs in your face or says some smartass comment. Then what, you punch him and kill him.

Those things can really get out of hand.

Dude, forget about the fucking principal. He has no principles. He wants to take your wife away from you, believes he's in love with, thinks he'd be a better husband than you. He thinks quite a LOT about himself, and no one else. He will have absolutely ZERO interest in anything you have to say, other than you're going to tell his wife. THAT will get the dipshit's attention extremely fast. In fact, if you want him more focused on saving his own ass rather than grabbing your WW's ass... tell his wife!

Affairs cannot thrive in the light of day!

Exposing the affair will force your WW to face who and what she has become: a cheater! Tell her parents, her siblings, her friends, her coworkers, the school district. Make your wife face what she's done, man! Why the hell would you protect her? Why the hell are you allowing yourself to become an accomplice to infidelity? Do you really think she's worth it? After what she's done? Do you honestly think giving her a pass on her secret little life of lies, deception and betrayal is really going to earn any points with her? Why compromise your own dignity, brother?

Expose the affair!

Right now, today, at this very moment, they're probably saying their goodbye's to each at work--maybe an ILY and kiss. They've probably discussed how they're going to minimize all the damage from this; how they can manipulate your and his wife.

The affair is not ever!

Expose it, and I bet the affair will end in a fucking heart-beat! And, if doesn't, then you have all information you're ever going to need about any possible future with your WW.

You can resist this as much as you want to, brother, but you only prolong the inevitable, the pain, the anguish, the fear... all of it. And when his wife does find out, and then learns that you've known for... weeks, months... she's not going to be too happy with you! You're supposed to be her friend, right? Be her friend, man!

Do the right thing!

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:06 PM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

Set up a meeting with OM in a public place, then at the time you're supposed to meet him there show up at his house and give his wife copies of all the evidence.

Set up a meeting with OM in a public place, then at the time you're supposed to meet him there show up at his house and give his wife copies of all the evidence.

Good idea!

Look, you are going to do what you want to do and appartently, that is to give the OM a good piece of your mind and put him in his place. Does that summarize it?

You will accomplish NOTHING.

He does not care shit about you or your opinions.

He does care about your actions.

You seem to think they won't lie about you or make false accusations. Why on earth would you think that? These are people that have no moral center. They lie and cheat and are FINE with it. They (your STBXW and OM) are THE ENEMY. They will happily burn you. For you to think otherwise is unwise.

Get a battleplan that does not put you in a public place with OM, where he can start screaming at you and make you out to be a lunatic.

You are NOT doing yourself any favors here.