SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I thought I was ready about 6 months after my D. As it turned out, I wasn't really ready for a couple years. I was damaged and didn't want to believe it. I found myself being way to critical of those I dated, or fell in "love" way to quickly and scared them off.

I first needed to figure out who I was all over again.. I was married to a woman that was bipolar, I had a lot of emotional damage. Was way to needy. took a couple years of IC, and basically time for me to figure out what I really wanted and who I could trust.

I honestly feel that if I hadn't waited I would have been destine to repeat my previous mistakes in picking a partner and ended up in the same place.

Spend some time thinking about what you really want out of your whole life, not just in a partner. Once you figure that out, then look for someone who has similar goals, and desires. Someone who will be willing to support you in your endeavorers, and whose goals you see as important and you can support theirs as well..

Patience is key.. pretty much in everything...

I like this:

Set up a meeting with OM in a public place, then at the time you're supposed to meet him there show up at his house and give his wife copies of all the evidence.

Ok I did it and I gotta tell you. It felt pretty damn good. He cried the whole time. Even if he hadn't cried, it made me feel better and like I'm taking control of my life. So I get that it's not for everyone, but it was right for me.

Then I came home and told my wife I'm not staying in limbo any more, and that if she's as checked out as I think she is, it's time to get this thing moving and talk to the lawyers.

I am real glad it worked out the way it did for you. He cried the whole time?! LOL. Good! I dig the schadenfreude. Yours sounds a bit like my confrontation. In my case, OM folded his arms tightly to his chest the whole time, tucked his chin into his collarbone, and stuck his quivering bottom lip way out. LOL. What a pussy. I think my description of the event helped shake fWW out of her fog (he had proclaimed undying love & etc).

I was on the fence about telling her before the meeting and still am. It didn't influence me one way or the other. You all have made any good points about that. I just need to think that one through some more.

OBS needs to be told, Frk. You know it. Do the right thing. If there is only one "right" thing to come out of this mess, it could be what is in your hands right now. Let OBS know.

So just out of curiosity, how long was it b4 you guys felt ready to date someone else again? I'm sure it's different for everyone.

Woah, cowboy! Are you sure R is impossible? Patience, my man. One day at a time. Be in the "present" as much as possible.

Ok I did it and I gotta tell you. It felt pretty damn good. He cried the whole time

In my opinion, the OM has a very good reason to cry. he is not crying because he is sorry or losing the opportunity to see your wife any longer.

he is crying because if you file a legal case for work related sexual harassment by manager (him), he will lose his job (possibly permanently).

it depends on the company, but most of corporations in these days purchase insurance for "executive managers sexual harassment" case, and the settlement can be at least 1M.

Once again, the settlement is determined by the insurance the company purchased, and if it is obvious that the male manager pressured the female subordinator (validated by 3rd party), and if there were serious subsequences occurred (love child, divorce, sexual harassment report, etc.).

What is his title? It is a very serious situation for him.

Although, if your wife was proactive and corporative in the R, (for example she sent him emails or text, so the OM can prove it was not pressured R but both parties agreed and proceed), the legal case will lose the ground.

he is crying because if you file a legal case for work related sexual harassment by manager (him), he will lose his job (possibly permanently).

it depends on the company, but most of corporations in these days purchase insurance for "executive managers sexual harassment" case, and the settlement can be at least 1M.

Once again, the settlement is determined by the insurance the company purchased, and if it is obvious that the male manager pressured the female subordinator (validated by 3rd party), and if there were serious subsequences occurred (love child, divorce, sexual harassment report, etc.).

What is his title? It is a very serious situation for him.

Although, if your wife was proactive and corporative in the R, (for example she sent him emails or text, so the OM can prove it was not pressured R but both parties agreed and proceed), the legal case will lose the ground.

They work in a public school. He's the principal, she's a teacher. No deep pockets there. I'm an employment lawyer and I know all about those cases. Based on the emails I saw, she was at least an equal pursuer, and she'd never go after him. There's no case there. But, I agree it is a very serious situation for both.

Woah, cowboy! Are you sure R is impossible? Patience, my man. One day at a time. Be in the "present" as much as possible.

Yep it is. She does not want one and honestly I think I'm better off. That could change b4 divorce is final I guess. Don't really plan on dating any time soon. Just getting a view into the future.

[This message edited by Frk963 at 10:57 AM, March 9th (Wednesday)]

For some people it's a deal breaker. I tried to R without a fence sitting WW and that was a disaster. If she's not meeting your expectations 100%, then move on.

I for one am really enjoying being single again!!! :D

[This message edited by Nighthawk999 at 2:22 PM, March 9th (Wednesday)]

don't be pressured from anyone here into R. D and be happy. It's obvious that you know what the deal is.

I like Canoe. Great poster. This is not against him. He gives awesome advice.

But you know the path. Take it.

I say fry the POS and move on and be happy

[This message edited by Western at 6:06 PM, March 9th (Wednesday)]

Excellent progress my brother!

You are consulting with a counselor, know your legal options, and most important you have decided on D (vs R).

Great Job!

FWIW It was D for me as well. I moved through the process as decisively and as rapidly as possible (DDay to D in 4 months). Several advantages to this in retrospect, the primary one is that my unrepentant, narcissistic exW was still in LaLa land and wanted to be free. If I'd waited another 6 months then the process would have gotten MUCH more difficult for less return.

My advice: Move as quickly as possible while she's in the fog and wanting that greener grass. Focus on that. When it's all signed then you can inform the OBS and blow up the OM's life.

Wow! That's awesome! He cried!!!!

I agree about striking while she's in the fog.

Yep it is. She does not want one and honestly I think I'm better off. That could change b4 divorce is final I guess. Don't really plan on dating any time soon. Just getting a view into the future

Yeah, if that's the case you are doing a lot right. I still hope you tell OBS. R isn't always the best option for a healthy future.

Remember. The money bit is secondary. Your health is primary, and the health of your children is primary. Health & money are not always the same.

Good like, Frk...keep us posted.

Strength to you as you hold on to this roller coaster.

Thanks everyone. You have been a MASSIVE help. Still a lot of hurdles left but I feel like I'm on my way at least. Roller coaster is right!

Um ... Wow. Is this forum not supposed to be helpful to people who have been cheated on? I get it if you disagree with me but no need to be insulting.

Called 2x4's bro some posters come off less nice than others but most of us have been in your shoes, and given that the playbook for this sort of situations is relatively thin alot of the situations parallel one one another.

The thing is this

Event + Your Reaction = Outcome

Event = Absolutely out of your control, already happpened, whats done is done.

Your reaction = 100% you

Outcome = Will vary on how you react.

The reason why most BS's advocate exposure is that it make sure the Affair is done, because now both offenders are put under scrutiny.

It also puts the AP/OM in the position where he is forced by his BS to choose between your spouse and his BS. Usually he will side with his BS and throw your WW under the bus. This is important because it shows your WW how the AP/OP valued her, and expose him for the creep he is.

It is not necessarily the action of getting them in trouble at work it is that it forces action on both WW's, and usually tend to revert back to their BS's.

This will lead to her losing control of the situation and realize what she stands to lose, you will see your stock rise.

That is why BS advocates exposure, and also, ask your self what is more important your family? your marriage? Or her job/career?

Stick around, and dont be shy about PMing some members on this board if you feel comfortable enough.

But know that this stops when you want it to.

Tell the wife, the wife may not expose to employer because like you it would affect her alimony and child support.

Tell her as a lawyer, you advise for exposing for those specific reasons.

Update -- So, to all of you who said you have to risk the marriage to save the marriage.... thank you.

Last Wed. I told her that if divorce is inevitable, we need to move things along and file so I can get on with my life. Then I flew across-country on business for 3 days. When I got back, she wanted to talk again. Apparently that Wed. discussion (and probably the 3 days apart) gave her a taste of what divorce would look like and she started having doubts about whether it was the right thing. We went to a neighborhood party on Friday and she said she realized there that I'm the guy she wants to be with. Some conversations with her parents also helped.

She said she's cut off all social contact with her boss and won't go to any after-school meetings if he is there. She also said she won't stay overnight at the upcoming conference if he is there. She says she trusts herself not to do anything, but does not want me to have to wonder about it. I was glad she brought that up before I had to. She said they need to be in different school districts next year as well.

I'm sure some of you may think she's playing me, or only doing this once she started really thinking about how hard divorce will be financially and/or how hard it will be to care for 3 kids alone. I can't completely rule it out either - and I told her that had crossed my mind. She says it's definitely not the case and for better or worse, I believe her.

We had some very frank discussions about what we both need out of a marriage which seems to have opened up some channels of communication. We had problems b4 the affair - some of which were definitely my fault, though as I've told her, none of that excuses what she did, and she agrees.

We're going to try counseling again. I know we have a long way to go, but maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

She said she's cut off all social contact with her boss and won't go to any after-school meetings if he is there. She also said she won't stay overnight at the upcoming conference if he is there. She says she trusts herself not to do anything, but does not want me to have to wonder about it. I was glad she brought that up before I had to. She said they need to be in different school districts next year as well.

Translation - she used those three days to have her boyfriend decide between her and his wife and he decided on his wife. Also they made a decision to take the affair underground.

She's following the cheater script perfectly. I will bet you one dollar that her face will drop if you tell her that you are going to confirm this with a polygraph.

Ok, you are going to work on the marriage you have a path, it is now imperative that you tell his wife about the A.

Besides all of the other things written about how it's the right thing to do and it's what you would want if the role were reversed...

You are starting this R on shaky ground to begin with. This wasn't a sobbing out of control "I will do anything...I'm ashamed of what I put you/kids through..." type of conversation...This was a "lets try to make this work for us" type of conversation. That's fine but it makes sense that you are questioning her reasons for it.

She is also still working for/with the OM. Huge problem - for your recovery, trust.... Too easy to fall back into A mode...

If you want to see how serious she is about R you need to tell the OBS. OM is the main breadwinner so OBS isn't going to tell HR. What she is going to do is WATCH any and all contact between your WW and OM. You wife will see some prosecution from their A, and that it wasn't "romantic" she was an OW that helped to hurt families.

From your previous posts I see you not telling the OBS because you don't want to damage the already shaky ground your marriage is on. The truth is that if you don't tell her the ground is going to get worse not better. You think you are protecting OBS but you are really harming her and your marriage. The only ones you are protecting are OM and WW.

Translation - she used those three days to have her boyfriend decide between her and his wife and he decided on his wife. Also they made a decision to take the affair underground.

She's following the cheater script perfectly. I will bet you one dollar that her face will drop if you tell her that you are going to confirm this with a polygraph.

I understand your skepticism - but you don't know what's in her head any more than anyone else. Is it possible? Sure.

This wasn't a sobbing out of control "I will do anything...I'm ashamed of what I put you/kids through..." type of conversation...

I didn't give the full conversation but actually there was a lot of that.

She says she trusts herself not to do anything, but does not want me to have to wonder about it.

What the heck does she mean by that, the fact she even said that is a red flag.

She trusts herself not to do anything...like what, have her define anything. Is she actually, in a round about way saying she trusts herself not to have sex with him?