SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ricky bobby your story has amazed me . You seem like a very strong man with your ideas very clear. I wish I could be like it . How are you doing ?

Emma24,

Thank you for the kind words. I certainly don't feel like a strong man with clear ideas! But having been through this with a girlfriend a very long time ago, I gained an understanding then that there were things I would not go through again - key among them infidelity. Also that the truest insight into what someone thought and felt was via usually by their actions.

That's easy to say but has been incredibly hard to live. I have struggled so much to not just say "ok, let's try again". But I've been successful because at those moments I repeat to myself, "what has changed that provides any assurance this won't happen again?" And the answer has been nothing, and if there's one thing I don't know that I could survive.....that's going through this again.

So much of me wishes I could be back with her again, but I try and keep pushing forward. I think of what I want and how to get there, and not about how I feel this very minute. And you can do that as well.

As Spaceghost so aptly put (paraphrasing) "I deserve better than begging my wife not to fuck other guys"

Sharkman,

Exactly.

I empathise with you so much RB,

I too am in that uncomfortable phase between filing and Divorce.

Actually our Decree Nisi will be granted today - which is the first part of a UK Divorce.

That's easy to say but has been incredibly hard to live. I have struggled so much to not just say "ok, let's try again". But I've been successful because at those moments I repeat to myself, "what has changed that provides any assurance this won't happen again?" And the answer has been nothing,

Despite cheating for our whole relationship of 30+ years (and prior to that if you count him keeping his outrageous promiscuity a deep, dark second-secret-life whilst we were really good friends in school / college ), at one time I would have sincerely tried to R if I saw any change in him, but I didn't.

Any changes came far too late - and only after I filed for Divorce.

I had to detach so far from him in order to do this, I was 'done'.

I wasn't playing the "be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage" game.

...... suddenly it all became clear to him - just what he was going to lose.

and so in a way, he hadn't changed at all.

It was still "all about him".

Maybe your WW is a bit like my STBXWH?

anyway...... infidelity truly stinks.

Grit your teeth RickyBobby - we're on our way to the fabled "New Beginning".

Strength and peace to you.

MOB

MadOldBat,

My divorce is following the same process as yours, we're based on English common law. Unfortunately our courts are so backed up that mine is going to take another 6 months to process. But all the forms are filed and it just has to run its' course.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if we have other things in common including the actions of our wayward spouses. Mine has only expressed regret, maybe remorse, but never made any proposals on what to do to achieve her stated goal of 'getting back together'. Just saying 'sorry' and 'I fucked up' is a blatant statement of the obvious, it is not the foundation on which to try and rebuild a marriage. It is still only about her and not about me or us. As I believe I said in one of my earliest posts, for me to ever truly consider reconciliation her actions would have to have been so incredible that I couldn't imagine what they were, but I'd know it when I saw it.

So we continue on our painful path. But you've got this under control MOB - well done.

RickyBobby

Ascendancy,

Your GENERALISED definition of marriage as a feminist scam is antagonistic, deeply offensive and revealingly misogynist. Marriage is an age old institution created largely to perpetuate patriarchal ownership of woman as chattel. Feminism is only 100 years old, how could the age old institution of marriage possibly be a 'scam' by such a young movement? That is a rhetorical question, by the way. I have no interest in hijacking this thread with any debate with you on the matter.

Simply wanted to confirm that your intended insult had indeed succeeded.

Ricky,

She went back for seconds. She's not even kind of sorry given her actions.

You're doing the right thing.

Sharkman,

Could be. She's said it but that's it, mouth sounds.

So we're meeting Thursday to finalise our discussions/ negotiations on her buying me out of our house. Though I know I will survive this, the anticipation of these meetings certainly fills my days with anxiety.

I think this also brings to the front just how unfair (said in my best 4 year old kid voice) divorce can be. I knew the rules when I signed up for marriage, and I accept that, but I expect like most of us here there was no expectation I'd actually have to split everything 50/50. I made 100% more than her for most of our time together. I brought money from my grandmother's estate, and a bit from my parents, to put toward the house. And she gets 50% of that? Fucking bullshit. Pretty good return for little investment and an infidelity balloon payment.

I had engineered a complex formula for sharing in any upside if she resells the house in the next X years. However, I've realised that will just keep me anchored to her at some level so think am just going for the clean, one time payment.

Rant over. Back to your normally scheduled programming.

in the big scheme of things it's not a big deal.

Make sure that you meet in a public place.

The money is kind of a big thing but I hear you. And yes, in a public place. Meeting at my (our old) place would make it a certainty she would stay too long.

Too bad you couldn't file in Texas. Out here, everything you brought into the relationship before the M you get back in full. 50/50 split on earning AND debt during proof of M because it us communal property.

But, I agree that none of out is fair at all. Infidekity should be a break of contract that nullifies a lot of rights to property and custody. But then there would be a lot of broke and lonely politicians and actors.

Signing the papers to sell the house to the wife next Tuesday (I've renamed her "Pure Evil" in my contacts - I find it strangely easier to read her emails now). Another step along this path paved with shit. But on the positive side, the house nearly doubled in value in 5.5 years. My half of the equity will allow me to buy (debt free) a very nice condo back home.

I just now have to decide when I'm going to move back home. My line of business is not performing well there right now so no jobs have shown up over the past 6 or 7 months I've been looking. However, it is pretty damn hard job hunting from the other side of the world. Think it can only be better once I'm back in the home market. Plus it might force me to accept something less than perfect or entirely different - change can be good. Not like I have to look after anyone but myself now!

Finally found a western therapist. I've been 'stuck' and very depressed lately. Only been once but hope it helps eventually. Was starting to consider asking for drugs but will give this a go first.

[This message edited by RickyBobby at 12:56 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

double post

[This message edited by RickyBobby at 10:07 AM, September 8th (Friday)]

Wow! So sorry to hear that. This s$&t just keeps giving. Best of luck in the job search.

The STD test they give with a pap smear does not test for absolutely everything. Ask me how I know.

So very sorry you have to endure that!

Thanks Justincase, fingers crossed!

I've now read that this is common in many jurisdictions.

Are you going to let her know as well?

Thanks BH294,

I'm the farthest you can imagine from being religious, but your quote does resonate with me.