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I don't think she quite thinks it's reality yet, but after our next MC she probably will.

IMO, you've got no business in MC at this point. She is still active in the affair, so it's ridiculous. you're a long way from needing MC.

[This message edited by twisted at 12:48 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

Shaved Pubic hair is a dead giveaway. See a lawyer and start working on protecting yourself.

You are completely justified.

Is her affair partner married or in a relationship? Do you know him? If he is married out his ass to his wife asap, today immediately. You have a moral obligation to do so and it will end the affair.

I've told her she needs to tell her mum. Something she plans to do today.

Im giving her the opportunity to do it, and I know that most of you will disagree, but I'm not an ass.

If she doesn't do it, I most certainly will.

My dad half knows, but will know for certain next week. I've kept it from my mum, because it's more harm to me with my mum knowing.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I'll drop feed our friends, and ultimately when it doesn't work out, it will all come out.

I don't think anyone would disagree with this strategy. Some guys tell all family & friends immediately, some guys are so ashamed of the whole thing they tell no one. I think most guys take your route & kind of let it roll out to family over time.

Your strategy to implement a version of the 180 that is modified to fit your personal values is perfect. We are who we are. They key point of the 180 is to not have any UNNECESSARY contact with your WW. Clearly, you are the only one who knows what is necessary. The rest of it are pretty much pointers to help you get moving toward personal recovery. In other words, keep contact with her to a minimum and do what you have to do to get through this fucked-up mess.

Wishing you strength and peace.

Well. It's 3:45am and I can't sleep.

Im so angry. I just can't believe how she's acting in this whole thing.

She literally doesn't care about me at all. Only cares about herself and wants to just wait until our next counselling session.

She either has no idea how bad it hurts and how much worse she makes it every day, or she just doesn't care.

Im absolutely shattered. I can't sleep. I can't eat much, I am so angry. How could she possibly do this to our family and then do so little afterwards. How after such a long time could she do it.

I was so hopeful on dday and the days afterwards. I'm in total shock about how she's handling it.

Who else has had partners that don't put in effort or don't care?

The other night I said to her that I think the affair was just a way out. She says it's not. She says that she wants to dive into marriage counselling, but doesn't do a damn thing at all to try and help.

I just broken.

I'm so sorry. If it helps, I have heard of people who snap out of it after awhile and actually reform themselves. My own WS said the right stuff, but didn't really "get it" till some time later. Like a few months! I think that's common. A person who can do this to their family doesn't just wake completely up upon discovery.

It's heartbreaking to think that you've married this person, but you have. We all have.

Only cares about herself and wants to just wait until our next counselling session.

Really? Do you still plan to take her to that?

Its a serious waste of time, money, and energy...just file for D (I believe you can file immediately in Oz with infidelity) and let her deal with it that way.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 1:39 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

She doesn't believe your done. She thinks she still has time to get what she wants. The best thing you can do is show actions. You already told her now show her. Start separating funds. Write it all out in front of her. Start making a list of who gets what. Don't let her dictate what direction you go it. Just go in the direction you want.

Don't let her call the shots, Oz. Right now that's exactly what she's doing. She's telling you what she will and won't do and you're saying ok let's see what a counselor says.

What if the counselor sides with her? Unlikely, but there are some crappy ones out there. Would you be ok with that? Didn't think so! So it's really irrelevant what a counselor would say.

You tell her what you need. You tell her when you need it. Then if she can't/wont' you know all you need to.

Right?

Ozbetrayed

I know that your DDay was recent, but hanging around waiting while WW still has work contact with AP just never works.

The A just goes underground or stops temporarily then rekindles. Cheaters just learn to cheat smarter, and there are many ways to cheat smarter.

Whilst WW and AP work together you will not feel secure in any R. Thread after thread on SI has shown this to be the case.

Exposure and starting the D process are the actions most likely to produce a WW who might be suitable to try R with.

If D is your choice the best actions are exactly the same.

Always, always expose the A to the OBS. A work exposure is sometimes a good step.

The 180 also seems a good idea for your case.

You must see a lawyer to understand your options. Knowledge is power.

The posters who hang around trying MC with an unrepentant cheater, whilst taking no other action are invariably miserable.

Taking action to move out of infidelity is always best for the BS. D or R may be the result, but either is better than hanging around in limbo.

Stay Strong

I've in line with Curious, start divided things up. Tell her there is no point in counseling sessions when she still playing games and lying about it. Tell her you're not going.

She's wasting her time, and more importantly yours. Tell her she needs find someplace else to live.

You have a life to get on with, without her.

Be brief, be decisive, walk away without further conversation.

Who else has had partners that don't put in effort or don't care?

Me. And it sucks. I spent a year in false R, jumping through hoops and playing the 'pick me' dance, while the A was swept under the rug. Now I've got to go through what I should've done 12 months ago.

Don't be me. Listen to these folks here. Man up and implement some shock & awe...stat! A few things:

1) Maybe I missed it, but did you ever say whether the POSOM is married or in a relationship? If he is, you must out him to the BOS TODAY! Do not tell your WW, just do it.

2) Do not go to the MC. You are done and you need to tell her that. No more texting and no more conversations about how her day was. The only topics to discuss are the kids and bills.

3) You said that in Australia, the parties must be separated for 12 months prior to filing for D. Is the separation a formal process? If it is, get that process started today.

4) I know that you're afraid that if you're separated that the A will continue. But the A will continue whether or not you're living together. At least you'll have some dignity and you can begin the process of moving on.

The above steps are you're only shot at R. Circumventing the process will only prolong the process and your misery. If this doesn't result in a remorseful WS, then you will have wasted no time. Otherwise, you'll be me, writing comments like, "I wish I would've listened."

You owe it to you and your kids to be a man and attack this with every fiber in your being.

I'm sorry you're here, brother. I can honestly say that I feel your pain.

It is so difficult when you have a spouse that doesnt show actual remorse. It does make you wonder if she actually wants to stay in the marriage.

In Australia we dont have the work rules that the US and other countries may have. I am not aware of anything that says you cannot have or engage in a relationship with another co worker. So there is no point in telling work people.

My counselor said that you need to bring everything out into the open. Its all part of the A, keeping it a secret. Once they know that people know what they have been doing it kind of loses its lackluster. It seems to stop them in their tracks, whether its shame, guilt, or the remarks from family members or friends. It can be a huge wake up call. Just be prepared for some backlash from you W, she is not going to be happy about disclosing her dirty little secret.

I dont know if in house separations work, I personally would find that very difficult as you encroach on each others space.

If that fails then you may need to move out. Moving out may be the only way she is going to realise what she has lost.

She's not making any effort because she thinks she and the OM are in love. She's just using you as a provider. Nothing changes for her between now the the MC session (which is a waste of time, she'll just use it to say how controlling, angry, mean you are!)

Sorry to seem heartless but this is what's going on in her head.

Phantasmagoria I think you're 100% right. She keeps telling me that I am a bad husband. She keeps saying "he was there when you weren't"

It's absolutely horrible.

We had a fight after our last post. I questioned her more on the affair and found out that one Sunday after an argument she went and spent the whole day with him and fucked him. She did it out of anger towards me.

She took away precious time with me and the kids to do that.

She was angry and did it to get back at me (although I didn't actually know)

I know there's more that she's not telling me. Her excuse is that she doesn't want to give me more ammunition to hate her. She thinks an affair is an affair and thinks I should decide on whether or not to continue the relationship without knowing everything.

If she's holding back more, it must be really bad. I told her, I'll think the worst, but she didn't care.

She says "you keep threatening divorce to try and blackmail me" she thought it was an idle threat, so at 5am this morning, I left the house. I gave her every opportunity to stop me, but she didn't.

She called me impatient for not waiting for counselling. She just doesn't get it. A marriage is repaired in between MC sessions, not at them. She uses words, but her actions speak truth.

It's so clear to me now that she doesn't want the pain of the divorce (loss of house, income and Kids.) but doesn't want to actually be in the marriage.

Moving out has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I've been wanting to leave, but have been hanging onto hope that she will change.

When I was leaving, it was real, it was actions, it was a line being drawn, yet she didn't budge from position.

It's definitely over now.

Im going to the counselling session on Monday to finalise it all.

For me, it's closure.

Im not sure what she's hoping to achieve by going, but surely reality is hitting her now. If not, it's only a matter of time.

Have you inquired about filing for immediate divorce due to infidelity?

I believe you can do that there, and forego the one year separation requirement.

There are really only two actions that will cause reality to set in for her. You moving out isn't one on them!

Exposing the affair is one. Blowing up their relationship, impacting her reputation, extra eyeballs on their behaviour. That is reality!

Her receiving divorce papers from a lawyer. It's formal, it's real, it's official. That too is reality!

Look! Your children are your number 1 responsibility. And I get that your self-respect and integrity are your main priorities. I 100% concur with this line of thinking, these are exactly my own values. But you have to understand that to maintain your self-respect, to maintain your integrity, and to set the right example for your children long term, you need to take what are tangible and decisive actions as outlined above.

I suspect, based on what you've told us, serving divorce papers will actually make your WW more angry, more volatile, more verbally abusive towards you. So you have to anticipate that. But nothing short of exposure and serving papers will cause reality to set in for her.

[This message edited by Phantasmagoria at 9:56 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

my god hearing that her response to having an argument is going and having sex with the guy thats causing all this destruction must have been a death blow to your heart

Its a pity you had to leave and couldnt throw her out in the street as that would of been justified in those circumstances

The rage and pain would of tipped me over the edge

for her to destroy a family and put the kids ordinary ordinary life to one of split parenting and shared visits getting shuffled from place to place

Not only do you need to stop arguing with her, but you need to avoid talking to her at all if possible...do a hard 180 and stop taking her calls, communicate via text only, and only concerning kids and legal matters.

Stop discussing your relationship, marriage, or the affair at all...those are all dead issues that need no more of your time.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 9:58 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

Divorce in Australia is always "no fault" so it takes 12 months regardless.

I am so badly hurt.

The affair is one thing, but the way she's handled the fall out is the worst part.

I was practically begging her to help me, to put in some effort and she wouldn't.

I feel physically sick. I feel ok physical pain, knowing that someone who I've loved for 17 years could do all of this to me.

I so desperately need a cuddle, some love and affection.

The person closest to me can't give me that and has made me feel awful.

She keeps saying that I wasn't there for her, but she wasn't there for me either, I still stayed faithful