SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It felt good going to sleep last night knowing that I am taking control, and I slept seven hours solid for the first time since I found out.

There’s that empowerment that we were talking about!!!!!!! GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

I echo Sharkman ! Great Job!!!

CDB

Sorry you’re in the club now.

First things first- STOP🛑 worrying about trying to save your cheating wife’s ass and START focusing on protecting yourself. So what if she gets fired (as she should), all choices have consequences and she needs to start feeling the hit from her shitty choices. You definitely need to 180 her & take off the save-a-ho cape. You begging and showing weakness is only fueling her up. From what I’ve seen, wayward wives only get their head out of their asses when their BHs 180 & move with confidence.

Just in case you are wondering if everyone is on track with their advice--- YES YES and YES!

I read "Love Must Be Tough" shortly after dday.

The author - Dr James Dobson said after years of counseling marriages that the main times he saw WS wake up is when the BS went nuclear. "A major blowout of epic porportions with real consequences". He says the WS has most likely been crossing the line of respect for years, and this is the ultimate disrespect. He says there might be a time in the future for kindness, working on the marriage, etc, but this is the time to stop the disrespect in its tract. Your WS is in an addiction like state and should be treated like you would an addict- with consequences.

(My friend answered the door one day to a PI hired by the OBS to show her proof (when her H was at work) of the affair. This was extremely helpful in ending the affair because the AP and BS are getting reality slapped into them at the same time.)

FYI, it seems hard to reach your spouse bc she's probably been creating an altered life in her head over this guy since school started. So, it may be a bit b4 you see her coming out of the fog. Keep staying in reality and push thru this.

Because you are a strong, confident person and you need to show that now. After I told my WS to leave, he did. Within 2 months he wanted to come back!! I told him I was too good for a fake marriage, that he had to get counseling to save our family, bc we could not go thru this again. He didn't go, so I D him. - I never wanted a D, but I'll not be disrespected by my own H.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:57 PM, November 29th (Wednesday)]

If her daughter goes to the school you might be able to use the school directory to find her. It's hard to tell the OBS but it the right thing to do. Think about how grateful you are to that person that told you.(another teacher? she might be able to get you the OBS's number) DO NOT TELL YOU WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO TELL THE OBS.

I've noticed many of the WW on this site are described as spoiled. It will be a rude awakening for her when mutual friends see her as disappointing. Spoiled people generally do not take well to the 180 so get on that too. How is it going?

I'm glad you've come to terms with Divorce over Reconcile. You are right to not want her back unless she is willing to give 110% to fixing the marriage, remorse and earning your trust. It's not off the table but it's good to come to terms with Divorce being the clearer path. Moving forward with divorce... she is welcome to try to stop you but you are getting out of infidelity one way or another.

Definitely tell friends. You can go into detail or keep it as a "we are getting a divorce because I don't like her boyfriend." depending on the friend.

Her family is a tricky one. I would tell them and tell them soon as that option will go away quickly. Know that blood is thicker than... that they will end up supporting her and her behavior in the end but this is your one chance to tell your side. If you are close enough to them I'd word it as if you assume they already know. A veiled reveal.

As you know WW and I are going through a divorce. I want you to know I've always thought well of you and will miss our visits bla, bla, bla... (Then something like) I know that WW will be needing your support as more and more people find out about her affair with one of her students parents. I want you to know that I did not tell the school board but between coworkers knowing, and the OM wife it is highly likely she will lose her job. I gave your daughter a chance to reconcile but she choose to fly out to see OM in ... on .... It has become clear she does not want our marriage or family and I must more forward with my life and be the best father to DD as I can.

I don't know, I think you could get the facts out there while making it clear what she has done. You don't want to start calling her a whore, or really bad mouthing her but... if would be nice if they knew... and we both know her version did not include OM, his wife, or their three kids.

You don't want to keep the affair a secret - it doesn't make you a "nice guy" it makes you a door mat.

Good luck

I am glad you have that information. I do hope that you inform his chain of command. He needs to face the consequences of his actions. He could be charged under Article 134. If convicted the maximum punishment he could get is a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for up to 1 year. He probably wont get that but this is what he could face if he is charged. The military don't play when it comes to stuff like this. More than likely he will be a lawful ordered to end the affair. If he does not then he could face charges of disobeying a lawful order.

Is the school were your wife teach on the military base? That would also be a factor on a conviction. If it is on a military base then he might be in more serious trouble than he would normally be.

I also hope you tell his wife. Be gentle if you do and don't be surprised if your news is not well received. It is important to have evidence when you meet with her. She might also have evidence for you. Good luck if you do talk to her.

I've noticed many of the WW on this site are described as spoiled. It will be a rude awakening for her when mutual friends see her as disappointing. Spoiled people generally do not take well to the 180 so get on that too. How is it going?

The 180 is going well so far, although my wife is pretty much full speed ahead planning her new life, so I don't think it is impacting her much. She is too busy buying things for her new apartment, setting up all her new accounts, etc. But at least she no longer has me in her ear begging her. I have gone completely NC with her. Right now, she probably loves that because it gives her more time with the AP. But it will hit her soon enough.

I told all her close friends the truth yesterday, so now it is up to them to decide whether they want to remain supportive of her. One of her closest friends already abandoned her and is right there by my side, offering to help me with the divorce (since she was previously divorced).

@Freeme, I love the paragraph you drafted to send to her family. That is a tactful and smart way for me to do it. I think a big part of my wife wants to rebel against her family right now, so I might include something about them not trying to talk her into her senses any more. That does not work. But it might cause them to think twice about supporting her financially. I hope they cut her off. That might help to start bursting the bubble she is living in.

Today, I am informing his chain of command. I met with an attorney yesterday, and she advised that if my wife loses her job, that would have very negative repercussions for me financially (alimony and CS), so I am going to leave that stone unturned for now. I think just informing the military, doing the 180, exposing the affair, and moving forward with the divorce filing is enough for now to intrude on her new fantasy land. I recognize it will take time, which is probably a good thing. It will give me more time to focus on me, and her more time to experience the wreckage alone and with little support from others.

Just want to say thank you again to everyone for being there, offering advice, and taking time out of your lives to assist me. It means the world, and I don't know where I would be right now if I didn't discover SI. Probably still wallowing in my sorrows and feeling helpless.

I also met with a therapist yesterday, and she gave me some good insight into my WW's behavior. She did not try to justify anything, just helping me reach a place of understanding regarding two important points.

1. How the Affair Started. My wife and I met when we were 12, and pretty much grew up together our whole lives. Our relationship was such smooth sailing, that it may have created an environment where my wife felt unable to speak up and not in control. Conflict can be healthy. Now that my wife's brain is fully developed in her twenties, she is having an identity crisis and may see me as part of the problem with her whole past life/childhood/etc. It is also possible that my wife does not enjoy motherhood, and doesn't want to admit it. But she wanted an escape (although not sure if I buy that, since the man she picked has three kids of his own). Again, not trying to justify anything, just trying to understand how a happy marriage could crumble so suddenly and out of nowhere.

2. Why She Can't Give It Up. The therapist said my wife is basically on a drug right now, which I think is the perfect analogy. She is on a very powerful, intoxicating drug, and she continues to take the drug every day, and it feels amazing to her. It is probably the most thrilling thing that has ever happened to her. When she thinks about her options, she can either continue to stay on the drug and feel this love she thinks is real, or she can face reality, which she knows is full of guilt, humiliation, pain and heartache, and a huge mess of things to fix. Of course she is choosing the drug!

So how do you help a drug addict? Two common methods are: (1) remove the drug and go cold turkey. This has side effects but can be very effective in the long run. Informing the military is the most likely way to remove the drug, and burst my wife's bubble. Or (2) rehab. This is akin to my wife getting extensive therapy to figure out her issues and how she could cause this much pain to her husband, daughter, family, etc. There is no way to force her to get therapy, but I think she desperately needs it.

[This message edited by CaseyA at 11:15 AM, November 30th (Thursday)]

Sometimes I feel like I am the resident devils advocate on this site…

Honestly – although the military frowns on infidelity – they only take action if it meets three basic requirements:

1) That there was sexual intercourse between the two people.

2) That one or both the people were married to someone else.

3) That the incident was of prejudice of good order and/or discipline.

Basically, it boils down to it being prosecuted if both those involved are in the military or if one is military and the other spouse of military. Outside of that the OM might get pulled aside and given a suggestion, but that’s it.

It just MIGHT hamper the OM promotion path, but it’s highly unlikely.

I’m not pointing this out to stop you from telling his command, only to lower your expectations.

I support exposure, but maybe it’s best to do it in a matter of fact way. When asked why you are divorcing just be honest: My wife is having an affair and won’t end it, therefore the marriage is dead. If she were willing to end the affair I might be willing to work towards reconciliation, but I absolutely refuse to share her with another man.

although not sure if I buy that, since the man she picked has three kids of his own

Kids don't exist in the land of unicorns and their rainbowy farts. And even if they are vaguely aware of their existence, then they believe that their luvrrre will solve all problems. You, know pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. What they don't realize, is that since this is unicorn fart rainbow, there's an asshole at least at the one end.

keep up the good work. get the D going.

If the commanding officer gives the AP an order to end the affair and he does not then he will be in violation of a lawful order. That, he can be punished for. And that is the scenario that most likely would happen. He will be given a direct order to end the affair. The rest is all on him.

So where do you stand on telliing the OBS. It doesn’tsound as if you are going to. Correct?

So where do you stand on telliing the OBS. It doesn’tsound as if you are going to. Correct?

Well, I am taking my time on making that decision. I know it is the right thing to do, but I have to think about my own best interest as well (and my daughter's). I think eventually I will tell the OW, but I am sitting on that just for a little bit. I was also unsure if there even was another spouse, since my wife said they were not together. I found out today that is a lie, because....

I had a major triumph today that I have to share! I contacted the AP's commanding officer (CO) today, and he confirmed that the AP is in his unit, he is in fact deploying for 10 months, starting today, and according to the military records, he is married. He assured me that I am doing the right thing, he said he can't stand this kind of thing, and he is going to pursue it very seriously. They have launched an investigation into not only the adultery/affair, but also a potential fraud investigation if he used government benefits to fly her out to see him. I will need to provide evidence, and he will be subject to a hearing. The CO said that his career will survive, but he will be slapped around, disciplined, and maybe demoted.

Doing the right thing and telling the truth is awesome. The bomb that has been thrown into my life is now being thrown right back at the responsible parties. They need to face the consequences. Just in case this guy is a nutcase, I am beefing up my home security and making sure I am protecting myself, daughter, and home. But he has three kids of his own, and apparently a wife, so hopefully this will just cause him and my wife to crash back down to reality.

You need to tell the other spouse immediately!!! He knows you’re coming after him the second his command informs him and it’ll give him a chance to make up a network of lies that will *compeltely* cut off that line of strategy.

This is VERY important!!!

Casey I just wanted to say how proud I am of you.

Keep pressing forward and your daughter is EXTREMELY blessed to have you as her father!!!

Casey.

You are taking control very well. Congratulations on being in command of your future.

I just want to make sure that you know that this action, which I agree with, will probably drive your WW towards the AP, not away from him at least in the short term.

Now he may break it off with her if he wants to avoid some ramifications, but when she finds out you have done this, it will make her more mad at you and pine away for him.

It sounds like you have prepared yourself that D is in the future for you, as she was way far gone anyway.

Maybe some time down the road she will see him for who he is and that you were actually fighting for your marriage all along, but that may take a very long time, if ever.

When she comes at you for doing this keep on The 180. When she starts yelling at you for destroying her relationship, tell her that she left the marriage and therefore forfeited the right to discuss anything but your daughter. Then break off the conversation.

When it comes to her job you’re going to have to walk a tightrope. While you may not report this it may still get back to the administration. If it’s a public school by the way you can submit a FOIA request for all her work emails if you think you need them. Of course that will alert them to something fishy going on.

As for the OBS she definitely deserves to know what is coming. She’s as innocent in this as you are. Morally you should tell her now. I know it may end up coming to bite you back if she files a complaint. You have to decide what you can live with in your own heart and mind. I feel for you and the position you are in.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:39 PM, November 30th (Thursday)]

You need to tell the other spouse immediately!!! He knows you’re coming after him the second his command informs him and it’ll give him a chance to make up a network of lies that will *compeltely* cut off that line of strategy.

This is VERY important!!!

Yes, I see your point, and you may be right. But if I provide her the evidence at a later point, she can't deny it can she? I'm just weighing whether it's worth doing that immediately, or waiting to see how things play out with my wife and the AP now that his commanding officer knows. But yes, she definitely deserves to know, and my wife does deserve to be fired. She is not paid to destroy her students' lives, just as the AP is not paid by the military to destroy lives. Anyone else think I should tell her immediately, or should I wait it out?

I am jumping for joy for you! I am betting he will call your wife and told her what is going on. I would also bet that he told her that their affair has to end. She will come at you. Stay calm, stay strong. Cut her off and end any talk about that relationship.

Tell the OBS as well. You already know not to tell your wife you are going to do that. By the time you talk to her, I would guess that her husband will try and fill her head with lies about you and your wife. Be gentle if you do this but not be surprised if she is defensive and guarded. But she might also be very receptive. Be prepared for both.

If the AP ends the affair, your wife will become depressed big time. Usually it is anger and then depression with regret. After that you might have a chance to see real remorse. But you will see.

When she comes at you for doing this keep on The 180. When she starts yelling at you for destroying her relationship, tell her that she left the marriage and therefore forfeited the right to discuss anything but your daughter. Then break off the conversation.

Yes, thank you for reminding me about the 180. I do need to stay calm and straight to the point when she confronts me about it. I will just refuse to engage--not answer her calls and texts, or tell her exactly what you said: she left the marriage and forfeited her right to discuss anything. I am doing what is right for myself and my daughter.

Regarding her job, in all likelihood she will be fired anyway, regardless of what I do. People talk, and like someone else said previously, soccer moms will not take well to a cheater being around their husbands and children. So yes, telling the OBS may not make any difference for her job, since she stands a good chance of being fired regardless.