SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When does this 10 month deployment start? It seems to me that right now your WW is trying to spend as much time as she can with the AP until this deployment. Once he is out of the country I would expect her treatment of you to change drastically. All of what she has done and how alone she is going to be is not clear to her right now but it will be soon. I would try to move as quickly as possible to get as much as I could agreed to and signed while she is in this mood.

The military told me he was deploying yesterday, but apparently they are still in contact today, so I'm not sure what is going on with that. I haven't heard from anyone yet in the military to get my evidence for the investigation. And yes, since she has our daughter for the weekend, I will have plenty of time to work on financial matters and preparing the divorce paperwork.

I guess it depends on where he his going but I think that most in the military have a lot of access to email, skype, and phone contact with their friends, families and APs.

So don't expect that they will be not be in contact.

send the email to everyone Casey.

She deserves the pushback and to be exposed as the liar she is

Casey

Why are you so certain her job is in danger?

It took me about 15 minutes of searching online to find cases from the California Court system that address teachers and immoral actions. There is no precedent of teachers being fired for infidelity. You will find dismissals for sex with students, abusive behavior towards students… but not even one where a married teacher is fired for having an affair with another grown-up.

Base your actions on REALITY. That’s the only reason I’m pointing this out. Limiting what you do or don’t do based on her getting fired… it’s not real.

That is also probably the reason you aren’t hearing anything from the military. I am certain I called that one correctly too.

Her leaving the home gives you a strong claim to keeping the house once you divorce, but it doesn’t absolve you of paying her out if there is some equity in the house.

Be careful in distributing her e-mail. There can be an expectation of privacy and judges frown on actions that might be considered infringements.

Personally, I wouldn’t go into a war in trying to win the reason for divorce. It doesn’t matter. She can say whatever she wants, you stick to the truth. IF she’s saying the marriage was bad the at most your answer should be on the line of “Well… She never complained. I think it’s her way of justifying her affair. I think the correct response to an unhappy marriage is to demand change or to divorce, but she decided to have an affair. That’s what killed the marriage. My refusal to share my wife”.

Why are you so certain her job is in danger?

It took me about 15 minutes of searching online to find cases from the California Court system that address teachers and immoral actions. There is no precedent of teachers being fired for infidelity. You will find dismissals for sex with students, abusive behavior towards students… but not even one where a married teacher is fired for having an affair with another grown-up.

You're right--she might not get fired for it. But, I think it's a lot different that the affair was with the parent of one of her students. The school will not like that at all. She is messing with and disrupting the life of one of her own students. Teachers are held to a higher standard of setting examples of behavior to their students. She may have also used her work email to carry out part of the affair communications. Again, you could be right, and my WW probably already has a big elaborate lie prepared that she will tell the administration if word gets out to them.

As for the divorce and distributing her email, I will keep that in mind. We are in California, so it's a no fault divorce state.

CaseyA,

I am new to this forum - wish I had found it when I first found out ... I think you have been given some really good advise here. I learned the hard way that being nice and protecting your WS from consequences only hurts you and pushes them further away. KNOW YOUR WORTH. They need to fight to get you back or it will never work. You can't fix them or convince them to do the right thing. Some people need to learn the hard way that actions have consequences. I am so sorry you are here. Just know that it does get better with or without your WS.

Casey

I guess you are not the first person in your community that divorced. You probably have family or friends that have divorced or have a past relationship.

Did you guys all meet up in the town hall and chose who “won” the marriage? Did you get folders with opposing stories? Did all the people try to win you in on your side?

People divorce all the time. They tell their friends all sorts of stuff. I have heard a lot of reasons for why people divorce but never “we were so compatible and things were so great so we divorced”. Don’t worry about what she’s saying if she doesn’t make false accusations. You carry on exposing to those that could positively impact her actions, but other than that just stick to the 180 and move on.

Inevitably some friends will follow her, and some will follow you. That’s just how things go.

Do you think she’s the first teacher to cheat with a kid’s parent? Yet there are no examples to be found of dismissals. Spend some time googling teacher dismissal immoral actions. I was surprised to see that cases of teachers being physically and mentally abusive to their students or having sex with older students were being argued in superior courts. What that indicates is that the law is so hard to implement that even if a teacher is fired and the termination declared legal in a court the teacher’s attorney finds grounds to send this to a superior court – AND the superior court accepts the case.

I am the King of Exposure, but it always must serve a purpose. What purpose would be distributing her e-mail have? I must tell you that if I was in your friend-group and your wife had told my wife that you were an @hole and the marriage bad I would have my doubts about her story, especially if you had shared with me that she was cheating (exposure).

Distributing the letter… I would find that in bad taste and sort-of support her comments about you being an @ss…

Public or private school? The rules are different.

Oh and by the way, she called me this morning and said we might both want to think about getting attorneys. I told her I don't think that's necessary--an attorney will not be able to protect your job and we can handle dividing assets on our own, but if you want to consult an attorney, go ahead.

CaseyA, this statement scares me. Lawyer up and file first. It's very important. It's about protecting yourself.

She gave you a warning with that statement. This isn't a game and no one wins, but you can come out for the better if you file first.

What this does is gives you the first opportunity to explain your situation to the judge. First impressions mean a whole lot my friend.

You've been amazing, now finish the race!

Your still doing great. Sounds like she is starting to panic. I don't think Bigger is telling you to expose her to her work place (school board). He is only saying don't be so concerned about her losing her job that you don't act. That the chances of her getting fired because of the exposure are very low...personally I think word is going to get around regardless of what you do.

I got sidetracked last night, so haven't got around to that yet, but definitely on the to-do list for tonight. Last night was my night with our daughter, but now my WW has her for the weekend.

She might have already gotten to her parents and declared you a horrible mess. But, I also think you will regret it if you don't say something to them. Just be prepared that they may have been prepped by their precious daughter and not be very receptive at this point.

I have learned from several sources that she is passing some bullshit story around to everyone

This is called rewriting history and it's in the cheaters handbook. It's hard but you can't worry too much about it. Chances are nobody believes her. She is basically trying to convince people that affairs are ok if you are unhappy. They may listen but... they may be rolling their eyes also... to some people, listing to her try to justify an affair with one of her students fathers is only going to make her looks worse.

I am getting the VAR today after work, and using it to record all our interactions moving forward.

Very glad you are doing this. You can also record on your phone in a pinch.

But I am maintaining the 180, and NC. I am also exposing as much as possible, to protect my reputation. I may even forward around an email she sent me the morning she left on the trip (last Tuesday). Then left on the plane later that day. How sick

Wow... didn't realize how quickly this has happened. I'm even more impressed with how you are handling it. I'd wait on the mass mailing of the email. If you are talking to a friend and want to show the proof fine but ... her sudden statement about the lawyer scares me. I wouldn't want to piss her off until she is out of the house.

Oh and by the way, she called me this morning and said we might both want to think about getting attorneys. I told her I don't think that's necessary--an attorney will not be able to protect your job and we can handle dividing assets on our own, but if you want to consult an attorney, go ahead.

Yea, the first thing her lawyer is going to tell her is to get her butt back in that house. You don't want that to happen.

It's an odd statement for her to make on her own. You've only been married 5 years (28 yo) and can't have too many assets to divide. You've already worked out the 50/50 custody... and the housing.... I'm guessing OM is giving your WW legal advice Or...she could just be fishing to see if you have a lawyer or not. The 180 has the effect of making the WW paranoid about what YOU are doing.

I guess my only advice is to tread lightly until your WW is out of the house (less than a week?). It will be much harder for her to move back in (logistically) after she has the apartment furnished and everything.

[This message edited by Freeme at 2:10 AM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Maybe it's in your best interests that she's gainfully employed and earning a living, because it sounds like the OM is a sponge especially if he gets his kids eventually to live with her.

OM will be in it for the long haul, best use this time to get as far away from her as possible and have everything sorted out quickly. Real life will catch up soon enough when bills need to be paid and the fairy dust has worn off. You don't want to be plan B.

My guess is OM has told her you're going after sole custody. He's going to want her as paranoid and reactive as possible. Record. Record. Record.

You might want to include something in the paperwork about not being around OM or his kids, as it would be too confusing for your daughter to go straight from one family into another one overnight, especially when the guy has a history of switching out moms every few years. It also drives home the point to your wife (and whoever she has look over those documents) that she is one in a line of women whose fallen for this chump. Put their names in the paperwork and let her parents contact them on their own if they see fit. Also point out douchebag is likely still married.

I wouldn't warn them about OM, honestly. It's not likely they're going to refuse to give her money based on what you say. When they're always giving her money and she's always still in need, they will figure out this guy is taking her for a ride. And if you're badmouthing OM it might reinforce custody worries.

Just go dark with her unless it's in regard to your child and file ASAP.

I wouldn't forward that email to anyone. Chances are, they've already heard the truth through the grapevine.

I am new to the site, just spent about an hour writing a post, went to review/edit and post. Anyone know what could have happened and if it’s retrievable. Geez

Casey, as others have said, you are doing great.

But it's only been 11 days. Stop and take a breath.

I've been on plenty of deployments. They are hard on committed loving relationships with history together. Her and him - won't be long til its over.

I'd also contact the judge advocate general. They will go chain of command to talk to him and even if they don't prosecute it the chain of command will get pissed and take it out on him.

Ive rarely disagree with bigger but I do know for a fact a higher level officer or even enlisted in his coc can indeed order him to stop. Its a lawful order.

"... I don't want any of this to affect our daughter." I just said "I understand why you might feel that way," and left it at that.

Great answer. Hold that line.

I'd suggest that you hold on to that email. It is very tempting to defend yourself, but it's usually not necessary. Going scorched earth to end the lies and get your life on track is appropriate, you don't need to salt the earth too. If your long term hope is R, keep the devastation to appropriate levels. If somebody asks and you feel it's appropriate/necessary, pull evidence out.

Like my XW, she may demonize you to people to justify her bad choices. People who know you can see through it. Try not to dwell on it. That said, protect yourself. There are plenty of horror stories about WS's escalating and making up abuse charges.

Think long game, be prepared for her to ratchet up D demands, and possibly turn it into a war zone. Hopefully, it doesn't go there, but it happens. You did file already, right? You don't need an attorney to do that, but until you do, it's just talk. Expect D to take months. R can be started any time--it's also hard and it may fail.

It sounds like you're doing well at getting your life back. The rollercoaster strikes randomly. Keep at it. Wish you and your DD the best.

First and foremost, a huge and heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you that have taken time and energy to help and guide Casey! It has helped more than you know. I am the Mother of CaseyA. To say that he is special would be like saying "The Sun is hot!" He is an exemplary guy that has lived his life with intention, purpose, and meaning, and above all, he always had a plan. He has worked extremely hard and has shown a level of discipline that I have never seen before and probably will never see again. He graduated high school, voted "smartest and most likely to succeed". He immediately went straight to a prestigious 4 year University where he double majored (one being psychology) his 4 year degree. And he actually did it in four years!! All along the way he carried a full load and worked delivering pizza so he could pay his own car payment and have pocket money. He then went on to law school and after his first or second year of law school, as if that wasn't hard enough, he added another goal of attaining a masters degree simultaneously at the nearby State University. He married the WW in 2012 and they had a DD in Nov 2015. He succeeded in all of the above. And he is only 28years old!!! He is accurate when he speaks of how happy the marriage was, the WW never breathed a word of her unfulfillment not even to her own Mother, her Best Friend, or to my Daughter, and Casey's Sister, who was their Maid of Honor. She is just trying to justify how she could do such a thing to Casey. The capacity of Casey's heart is a very sad story. Ever since high school, he was donating blood on a regular schedule just because it made him feel good. In 1999 Casey's brother who was 14 at the time was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I was consumed with being the primary caregiver through numerous surgeries, radiation therapy, etc. etc. In 2009, when Casey was 20, as he was going into his third year at the University, his 24 year old brother (My middle Son) died as a result of the 10 year battle. Casey knows tragedy, knows loss, and values everything very deeply.

His Father and I have the happiest marriage I have ever heard of and recently celebrated our 29th anniversary and are lucky to fall in love more every day and have crazy passion for each other still. He sustained me through the most difficult time of my life and it just made us stronger.

I share all of this not to toot Casey's horn or to brag, as his Mom, I share it to give you, his new friends and confidants an insight as to how he operates and how he may struggle as this journey continues.

He invited me to this website and we have talked about some of the topics as things are unfolding. He has been very transparent with us as he has lived his life and he truly does not have any skeletons in his closet. I know not to disclose this website to the WW, my DIL.

Now for my story; I am a survivor of infidelity, YAY!!! I married my first love too, straight out of high school at age 18 in 1978. That lasted about 5 years until my First husband did this exact thing to me. I know the sick pain of how Casey felt when his wife was in another state, in the arms of another man and dismissing his pain. Oh, and in case I forgot to mention, it was Thanksgiving day! YEP! That will go down in the books as the second worst Thanksgiving with the first being the first Thanksgiving after my Son died I was the victim of infidelity and I had a toddler (well actually an infant, my Son was only 10 months old when my WH had the affair). My Ex is still married to the woman that he cheated on me with, and we are amicable and have always been united in raising our Son who is now 36. I am in need of help and support of how to be the best parent I can be to Casey thru this. Because I have experienced it, this event is hitting me too close to home and I'm too obsessed with the drama of it; my DIL's new "boyfriend", her social media postings (yuck)

etc etc etc. I too want to see her "outed" in every way for what she has done, not only for my own satisfaction, but for moral reasons. I don't think she should be teaching elementary school children, nor should she be an advisor to young women of her Alumni Sorority that she has been (IMHO) too involved in instead of tending to her home, her daughter and her marriage (especially if any of what she is now stating is true and she was "falling out of love" or feeling unfulfilled). She is making the mistake of enormous proportions and I fear she will fall out of this fog, and yank Casey back and forth in the very near future, tearing up his heart even more. He has such a deep capacity to love, to forgive, and to understand the workings of the heart and mind that he might end up going down that R road with her and I'm trying to be open to that, to trust his judgment and accept her back if he asks me to. Part of me knows that Casey deserves #1, whatever makes him happy (and she has always done that), but #2 and most importantly he deserves to be treated much better than this. I think she has deep issues and needs IC and I recommended that to her when I went to see her. (Casey has touched on that in his responses) but what he might have left out is how being in Casey's shadow might be what has left her to feel bad about herself and how this new boyfriend has made her feel good and she is now addicted to that "medicine". As soon as reality sets in, I feel she will come running back to him. How he deals with that will remain to be seen and has to be his choice, not mine, right?!

Please share with me anything that helped or hindered your journey from the aspect of your parents.

Oh and by the way, the DD is my first and only Grandchild and I am devastated that her life has been impacted in the worst way, I am reeling in pain over this every day. It breaks my heart that her life will be "broken" the way my 36 year old Son's life has been and how my deceased Son's life also was

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for directing Casey to a path of recovering from this devastation, and helping him to become a survivor. He is doing good and "taking the bull by the horns". I have read The 180 too, not only so I can remind him if needed, but to implement it too. Its NC for me from now on too with my DIL , her family or her friends. Yesterday I texted my DIL's best friend (because she is also an Alumni Advisor to the Sorority) and told her that my DIL should not be an advisor to young women, that I am going to out her to the University and she should do the same. Casey instantly got a call about it and he called me and asked me not to do it (YET), to wait until he is protected legally, and then we can lay down the hammer if we want to. So I retracted it but I did it with the threat that if she doesn't walk away from the home and assets, and continue to take care of her half of the DD I will wreck her in every way possible. I hope no damage was done to Caseys plan. But this is why I have to retreat and get back to my own life and let Casey handle his. He knows his Dad and I will always be there for him. His Dad is an awesome role model and man. Oh, and to clarify, I went and met with my DIL last Sunday and she told me she knows that Casey built everything they have and she doesn't want to take it from him or their DD, so it is not he "muscling" her about not cleaning him out, its just a gentle reminder to stay the course.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and support our family. I'll close for now, With a heavy heart, but getting a little lighter every day,

(Casey's Mom)

[This message edited by ConcernedParent at 8:28 AM, December 3rd (Sunday)]

Wow. That's the kind of mom everyone should have. Amazing. Casey,you are truly blessed.

Dude, your mom rocks. It's good that you have support close at hand.

Casey's mom, let me first say I'm sorry for your loss (can't even imagine the pain of losing your son). It also sucks that you too know the heartbreak and devastation of infidelity.

Sounds like you and your husband have done a fantastic job raising Casey and have much to be proud of. That said it's also got to be hard watching him have to go through all of this with your DIL. Especially knowing that your grand daughter is in the middle of this.

Sounds like you're doing a great job supporting your son through all of this, and he's lucky that he has you (and your husband) not just for this but that he also felt he could confide in you to truly let you know what's going on.

All I can say is your son will be in good hands with people here at SI (so much amazing wisdom and more importantly from people who TRULY care about your son and that beautiful child of his). The ultimate goal is to get them both to a place where they'll be at peace and protected and out of this BS that your DIL has brought into their lives.

Sorry all of you are hurting right now. You're doing what a close and loving family need to do in a time like this and that's circle the wagons and look out for one another with love and support!!!

Casey is lucky to have you and the rest of his family.

I'll leave you with this.....ALL OF YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS....keep the faith!!!

Will be praying for all of you.