SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I should be done and over but I love her

Take your heart out of the equation and just using your mind and common sense write down what you love about her?

I think you'll find they are just feelings with no basis.

FB Post. Probably should not do that but these are my friends and support. This is whom he is......

Well she left. She just made the biggest mistake of her life. And she will have to live with it. She choose to be with an alcoholic who drinks fruit liquor drinks until he passes out. Someone who can't keep a job and calls in all the time. Know this because a gave him a job to help him figure out what he was going to do with his life. Not to mention he used to work for my company in the past before I went under. Someone that does not have a diploma, and may not be able to get a job. At best minimum wage. Someone that has no drive and perfectly happy sitting, listening to music and playing video games all day while drinking. Someone who has no work ethic or skills. Someone that is manipulative which includes controlling, is a thief and a bold face liar. Some of the BULLSHIT he spouted to people and told her are beyond conceivable and down right disgusting. They have nothing in common but listening to music and drinking. She don't have drive to push forward. That is what I always done. Pushed. I guess I pushed too hard. But I push because I love. My house is a wreck. She left all kinds of things here. Some with sentimental value to her. They didn't take anything I told her she could take. No couch, not the bunk bed just the mattresses. I guess she going to live section 8 style. Left xxxxxx toys. Don't even get me started on that. That little boy is going to be so screwed in the head. I'm so hurt and confused, numb and my home is not a home any more. Someone decided to manipulate and fuck with my family. Someone I loved and wanted to help. I no longer have him as a brother. He is scum of the earth. He has only himself to thank for destroying xxxxxxxx and xxxxx. It won't take long for her to figure out the real him and she will realize that this was the biggest mistake ever. Sad thing is I was planning the right time to ask her to marry me this winter. Now that will never happen. I just dont understand how someone you love can do this too you.

Sad thing is I was planning the right time to ask her to marry me this winter. Now that will never happe

You don't get it now but she gave you a huge gift. You'd better take it and run!!!!!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 9:43 PM, June 30th (Saturday)]

So today I did what I posted earlier but before that I went to a company outing were we take about 150 inner city kids to a 100 acre farm. ( dont really know the acreage but it is BIG ) We have fishing, out rides. canoe rides, paddle boat rides, pony riding, log walking ( to fall into the lake) and of course a huge cook out. We probably had 305-400 hundred people today there. I was the canoe guide. I could not even tell you how many kids we took out. I did ok but she was constantly popping in and out of my mind. I honestly could not wait to get out of there. I was so ready to have an emotional break down but could not show anyone. On a good note though I was able to keep down a bratwurst today. First food I have kept down down Monday i think. Im am so angry but have all these other emotions. I cant keep my head straight. I forget what I was getting ready to do and stand there and think what was I just suppose to do. I forget everything. I dont comprehend things that people are saying to me. I feel lost. normally im so sharp and I have lost that. I need for this to go away. I need the pain to go away

*350-400

So I was reading another thread, well because I have an empty house and nothing better to do, and it was about should I tell my kids....... A topic that has been weighing heavily on my mind. My nine year old has no idea what has happened. She views the 6 yr old boy as her brother and my WS as her other mom. I have no idea what to tell her or what to do. She is going to be crushed that they are no longer here.......This is killing me

Tell her the truth in a sanitized way. Keeping her in the dark will just make it worse on her.

Hi BMW, sorry your experiencing such betrayal and abuse. I saw you though how long it was going on but do you know for sure? A sibling sometimes I think is a long ongoing thing perhaps even from adolescents if they’re around that long. It sounds really bad but I would ask her for a DNA test on our kids.

It sounds harsh but what she did is devastatingly disasterous, I mean it could be anyone why your brother. She’s been doing this so count your blessing. Karma is always the biggest B!&CH and the best payback is success and happiness.

Move on this situation is too messy with no light for a while. I know it’s easier said than done but this is the grief no one needs and get the Paternity test I know you said he lives far but I’d have to be sure with her and not to mention they sell them at the drug store/over the counter .

I suggest you find a good counselor. For you.

To get advice on what to tell and how to tell your child.

To help deal with the XGF’s son should you meet him in the future.

To start your path to healing yourself and recovering from this trauma.

Please know your GF chose this path to destroy your relationship. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. You did not cause her to cheat. You did nothing but try and make her life good and push her to be a better person.

She has her own issues - none of which have anything to do with you.

She is addicted to the drama in her life. This will be one in a long line of many mistakes she makes. Your brother is just one of the many losers your XGF will choose.

Fault - the A is not your fault.

Responsibility - you are responsible for your life and your happiness and healing yourself - not only for your child but for yourself. You don’t have the luxury of being able to lay in bed and pull the covers over your head. You have a child.

Someone who depends on you. Who needs you.

You are facing the hardest part of recovery - the early days. It does get better but requires TIME.

Time heals all wounds - that old saying that is so true

Have patience. You will survive this trauma. We all do. Professional counseling is highly recommended. It can save your sanity.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:39 AM, July 1st (Sunday)]

You were never married. That's a blessing. You've told us a lot but I'm still unsure of a few things. The boy is hers from a previous relationship but the daughter is just yours or is she both of yours?

Is the house in just your name? Can you legally change the locks? Is her name on any of your accounts? She needs to be removed pronto.

Consider telling your boss at work that you are having marital problems and are trying to work out childcare arrangements for your daughter for the summer.

I think we all know what is going to happen. WGF is having "fun" now because he is a "fun," and they can stay at home and drink together...but she is going to start falling down that rabbit hole soon, too much drinking too little working and she is used to having money and someone responsible taking care of everything. Your brother probably saw you as having that "perfect life" and wanted to replace you in it... stealing your GF isn't replacing you. Once the money runs out she will be back. You need to read the 180 (healing library) and start implementing it.

She is rewriting the history of your marriage to make herself feel better about running off with your brother. You just need to remember that you did nothing wrong. You did not deserve this. How can someone fault you for working to hard? That work went into things that benefited the family.

You need to detach and see this woman for who she really is.

Thanks for the update BMW. I just want to echo that a good IC can a life-saver.

Telling the kids is never easy. It's hard not to lie to them because we want to protect them but there's, unfortunately, no way to protect them entirely from this. I just suggest making sure your daughter understands that you love her and would never leave her. I'm sure she already knows this but I think it helps to hear these things when the rug gets yanked out from under you. I would tell her you're hurting but you are going to allow yourself to grieve and work on yourself to heal and get better from this (and you will get better).

Everything you are going through is unfortunately pretty normal considering what's happened. I had to schedule time in my workday to find some privacy for myself to uncork for awhile directly after my D-day. I missed some work right after as well for the first time in my life (I think I've missed maybe two weeks total my entire adult life). During that time I would periodically cry or scream or both at the same time. It's gotten better but I still need to step away every now and then.

Hang in there.

I ended up telling my daughter yesterday. It was devastating to me and she is so hurt. I did not tell her everything. Just the highlights. Basically sometimes people do bad things or just may not be happy anymore and she left. I did not mention boytoys name or what part he had in it. She is really hurt though.

So these people some how figured out how to get around my block and blew my phone up Saturday night. She got a new number and started in on me Friday night. What is wrong with them. The crap that come out of there mouth was so hurtful and disgusting. Have they not done enough? How could anyone that supposedly loved you say these things. I mean is gives me strenght from anger but then it really hurts me feelings. In the end I come back to I miss her and I feel so bad for what she is about to venture through. But in the same token I hope it hurts like hell for them for what they have done.

SO yesterday My Daughters Mother text me later in the evening and Says boytoy texted and wanted to know when they can have My Daughter. REALLY. SERIOUSLY> They are flipping delusional. Especially after he has been spreading that my Daughter in not mine and my WA is not he first that he has done this with. Eluding that My Daughter in not mine. He is trying to provoke me. I know it. It is disgusting. He nor she will ever see my daughter again. So disgusting

Get a lawyer now. Protect your daughter.

You never said how the two families have reacted to the news.

Make sure school, daycare, friends and family know your daughter may be at risk from these people and she may leave leave in their company. Explain to your daughter that she is not to go anywhere with them.

Are you saying your brother - who is now with your former GF that you lived with - is saying your biological daughter is not yours?

If that is the case - in all seriousness - you need restraining orders -against your brother and the XGF.

You are dealing with people who are mentally unstable and should not be around children. Not even their own.

That is seriously crazy stuff.

Please get a lawyer like yesterday and start putting up every roadblock possible. Make sure you have nothing if hers in your possession. Nothing if your idiot brother’s either.

Get your family involved and make sure they all understand you and your brother cannot be together in any way. Same for your daughter. She cannot see her uncle.

I am so sorry for you.

Given your brother's past behavior, if he's implying that the daughter that you're taking care of is not yours, I'd recommend getting a DNA test to make sure you're the father. It seems to me that it's worth verifying his story. Unless you already know the answer and that's why he feels he has some legal access to your daughter?

Edit: I'm not trying to be mean here. It just makes me curious as to why he'd hint at having done this to you before and such. The whole thing seems odd to me.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 4:18 PM, July 2nd (Monday)]

You may not see it now but believe me when I say you didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a whole firing squad of bullets. There will come a day when you will be so glad you did. Things will get better. Cut her and her "scum boyfriend" completely out of your life and anyone else who sides with them. You do not need people like this in your life. Don't talk to them, don't answer your phone when they call, don't text, don't even send a smoke signal. Cut them completely out of your life. Protect your daughter and yourself. Get a restraining order if you have to. I do wish you well.

Keep blocking them and there new numbers. Your not going to get truth or closure just twiated reality and the lies that they have told themselves to make themselves feel better.

It may sting when we say thank goodness you werent married, just know we understand it doesnt lesson the betrayal, but if the kid is not biologically hers and you werent married she has no claim. Lots of us have to share kids with our ex and the ap and thats brutal...you dont...thats great. Dont ever feel bad at all not sharing. The sooner your child detaches too the better and no contact is the way to go. Kids process faster than adults this way.

Make sure everyone in your family knows the real story. You may have to cut some of those people out. Sadly it may have to become a you or them proposition. If they are not on your side and accept this as some star crossed lover bullshit they may not be able to have a place in your life. Dont fret, removing these toxic people from your life is a good thing.

Not sure how your parents feel. Like to see a post on that. They will always love both there sons, I expect. They still need to support you and while they can love your brother uncondituonally, they should be supportive to you and understand you never want to be around your brother again and honor that.

Remember you didnt create this shit sandwich. Your brother and your exgf did. You have to deal with pain, but dont accept blame. Hold your head high. None of us are perfect in any relationship but this affair was not your fault. If it was so bad (the story they will likely tell) she could have broken up with you.

Fuck em.

Get your childs mother on board too. You can buy cheap inexpensive dna do it yourself kits you mail in if you want to kill that narrative. As a adopted father I give no fucks as to the dna of my oldest. He is my son because I put the time in, raised him, and love him more than ever thought possible. Thats to kill a narrative, not to determine who is her dad. You are and you will always be dad.

Keep your head high for your daughter. You are feeling a loss and grief and loneliness are common. Channel you energy into your daughter. She needs that extra live right now too and you can benefit from feeling that extra love from her too.

Across the Street Rockstar. Are you flipping serious. How did you manage that? I could not even imagine.

BMW,

If you referring to my story well here is what I did with a lot of good advice from this forum and professional help.

I got in and saw a counselor asap. A lot of the questions were how to handle the kids and what was best. I put them first while still doing what I needed to do to survive. I talked a lot to close friends and family. The more you talk about it the better.

I found this forum and read a lot. It can always get worse and wayward behavior is very similar. I got hung up a lot trying to understand it, I cant ever fully cause I am not that person, but I can anticipate it. There are some people way smarter than me here.

I went NC and gray rock as much as possible. I think I have talked to my now xww maybe 5 times in the last 6 months.

I focused on improving me. I started seeing a IC later who was a psychiatrist to fix my inner demons on why Ive picked shitty women and gone through this twice now. Thats a hour and a half every week.

I got a good lawyer and got divorced while she was in lala land asap. She never did anything and I ended up WAY ahead.

I eat healthy and work out. I make time for sleep best I can.

Infidelity is a total mind fuck. I got three more days of this across the street (put the house up after the school year ended). I could do it forever if I had to but I want my own life away from this.

A lot of my issue is I hate to lose and want justice. With who she really is I didnt lose shit other than a mirage and my dream. Justice, well nothing will ever take back the hell I went through so whats it really matter.

Ya know what the best revenge is, its going forward and living the best you can. We got a limited time on this earth. Live it the best and most honorably you can. Do I still wish they fall apart, sure I do. Will it take back any of what happened...no it wont. What I can do is make myself the best dad/friend/son/brother/man I can and trust that someday I will find someone WAY better amd live out my days until I am old and on my death bed surrounded by loved ones and look back and go "ya know what I did the best I could. I loved a lot and I am loved a lot too" and then slip away smiling.

For those that have remorseful spouses and can R, hats off to ya. For those who dont I think divorce/cut ties asap and begin the recovery. Every day with a unremorseful cheatimg spouse is a wasted day. Get out of infidelity and get your life back.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 2:48 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]