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He seems pretty logical and calm to me.

It is quite likely she did the right thing the whole time.

By doing anything except block him after he made his intentions clear, and then say nothing to her husband about it, she did the wrong thing. Just not as wrong as she could've.

My husband knew all about the calls.

Cooley here is the difference. She deleted the texts and didn’t tell her husband.

I don’t think his wife met up with the POS but it warrants a look in to.

OP is doing great and keeping a level head IMO.

It is quite likely she did the right thing the whole time.

By doing anything except block him after he made his intentions clear, and then say nothing to her husband about it, she did the wrong thing. Just not as wrong as she could've.

Absolutely

I will definitely contact his wife personally this week. I first will call him directly from my wife's phone to see how he answers, but I won't say anything, to see if he calls back.

Yes- to the first part, contact his wife but don't say anything to your W. There is a very good chance he will blow up her phone with "WTF did you tell Wiley!!" Then you see how she handles that info.

No- to the second part. I would not try that, at least right now. Of course he will call back. That Is a distraction. DEal with your wife first.

My point is that you, bs, have a temper. You got in a fight over your wife and from what you wrote she did nothing wrong but the guy hit on her. I would imagine she knows you well enough to know how you would react.

It is quite likely she did the right thing the whole time.

By doing anything except block him after he made his intentions clear, and then say nothing to her husband about it, she did the wrong thing. Just not as wrong as she could've.

Agreed.

To me the issue is this guy's current ongoing interest in your wife ... and how she can make you feel safe going forward. Why does she even have his number on her phone? There should be zero contact and he should have zero access to your marriage.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:37 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

As for the bar fight, from my perspective, the man was quasi groping my wife as she was trying to push him away. Not truly "groping", but he put his hands on her bare shoulders twice before I could push through the crowd and confront him. I think most red blooded American males would have reacted similarly.

But yes, I'm very protective of my wife. She looked in danger and it seemed like an eternity before I could get to her to intervene.

^^^^^ i agree.

I think you've handled this well. I'm really glad it didn't turn out to be what I thought it was upfront.

That usually doesn't happen often here.

I suspect it shocked her and she hid it not really thinking it through. Not an uncommon thing. She is human after all.

Glad you aren't facing something much worse

[This message edited by Marz at 7:57 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

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[This message edited by LostInTheDesert at 8:23 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Idk it sounds like you should at least play it carefully. It doesn't sound like your wife actually did anything wrong.

Maybe she should have told you about the texting but it sounds like she did what she should have done: told him she was happily married and nothing would happen between them, shut him down, and went no contact.

If it was me I'd probably let it go. Maybe keep your eyes and ears open for any future contact. But not much else besides that.

But I'm curious how you think she's going to react when she found out you took her phone, retrieved deleted messages to spy on her, found out she did nothing wrong and then confront her anyway???

Not currently in a relationship but I know past partners I've had have been flirted with, hit on, and contacted by old partners while with me. And I really wouldn't expect them to tell me every time unless it was a mutual acquaintance or someone I know. I would expect (although I guess it would be more of a hope) that they would have good enough boundaries to shut it down. It sounds like your wife does.

So again if you are going to confront her you should really think about how you're going to go about it.

Because telling your wife what you did isn't likely going to make her inclined to want to be more open and honest with you in the future.

@js84, don't you think I've thought about that? That I've snooped and spied on a wife I've adored for almost 20 years?

But facts are facts. We've had a great marriage founded on facets of NO FUCKING SECRETS, PASSWORDS, OR ANYTHING ONE KNOWS THAT THE OTHER DOESNT. That lifestyle doesnt suit everybody, but is has us for the entirety of our relationship. More in the next podt... damned Google chrome...

@js84, don't you think I've thought about that? That I've snooped and spied on a wife I've adored for almost 20 years?

But facts are facts. We've had a great marriage founded on facets of NO FUCKING SECRETS, PASSWORDS, OR ANYTHING ONE KNOWS THAT THE OTHER DOESNT. That lifestyle doesnt suit everybody, but is has us for the entirety of our relationship. More in the next podt... damned Google chrome...

Fact is, she's had contact with an old beau when both agreed that was off the table. I think I'd be remiss to ignore it or not follow it to its core.

But maybe she will ne offended. Idk. But if she turns out to be completely innocent here, I will still be honest with her over all I've done here, snooping/spying and all. If the rules were reversed, I think I would be grateful for her concern and territorislism .

Somebody asked how she had his phone number. She is on FB. Her friends have friends who have friends and he is one of them. He tracks what she is doing. He looks you or her up and right there on the internet is where you live and your phone number or hers. All he has to do is call her and if she innocently answers then his number is now in her phone. She probably got tired of him contacting her, called him, listened to his drunken vows of love and told him she is happily married. Was it flattering? Probably. So what. She came home, thought about telling you, decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and got on with her life. Go with her to look at the piano. Talk about being uncomfortable about this thing and then let it go. If she gets angry about you snooping then tell her what set you off. If she is going to cheat there is nothing you can do about it and if she is not then I hope this is the only bump in your marriage.

WileyC

Whatever you decide about confrontation just make sure you have VARs in place beforehand as well as when you tell the OBS. I also would not advise telling your wife how you got the info you have. If she is guilty and she gaslights you into believing her then she will know exactly what to change to take it further underground. Better safe than sorry. She kept info from you for a reason, whether she thought you'd get mad or wanted to keep her orbiter in orbit or whatever. She is guilty of that for certain. Just keep playing it smart as you have been.

But if she turns out to be completely innocent here, I will still be honest with her over all I've done here, snooping/spying and all.

Wiley, IMO it’s fine to be honest that you snooped but don’t give up your sources. Never!

I pray you are the (THE) lucky one. Usually if a person is driven to a SI type site to ask the question “is my spouse...” they generally are.

Fact is, she's had contact with an old beau when both agreed that was off the table. I think I'd be remiss to ignore it or not follow it to its core.

Especially since you still don't know the what/where/why of the talking to him "last night" thing.

Cooley, what you're doing here is coming dangerously close to gaslighting and blameshifting, right?

You act as if she was innocent and OP is a violent guy with an incredibly short fuse who reacted to innocent things.

That's not the case. His wife was actively lying, she was hiding things, having contact and then deleting the conversations. That is after they very much talked about even the contact would be a no-no. Then the guy puts his hands on her in a social setting.

She came home, thought about telling you, decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and got on with her life.

You're conveniently leaving out the part where she OM him she said all she had to say "last night"... the unaccounted for "night". Also, you forgot her about her not being in contact very much while she was gone and coming back home and acting distant with him.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 4:32 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]