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Want some advice? When your sister goes back to her home, leave things in the hands of your lawyer and go with her. Distance yourself from the rest of your very toxic family. Start a whole new life without the poison you have been living with. I do wish you well.

^^^^^^^ yep you are not leaving much behind

You've had a bunch of really good advice and support already. I'm just throwing my agreement with it into the mix. Lawyer up immediately. File for D and get her served. Restraining order. Go after your share of what she has skimmed from you. Maybe restraining order on family, too. I worry about you being alone and trapped if they arrive en masse again. DNA the baby. I hope it isn't yours so you're not tied to her in any way. Sorry.

I'm sorry, man, it looks like you were a paycheque so she can play with your loser brother. Time to get far away from this toxic mess. You're young. Get back on your feet mentally and start a new life with all of that gone. Your sister is smart. It doesn't look to me like there is anything with your WW or family to build on. Cancer. Cut them out of your life.

Best wishes, Denny. You've a lot to deal with. Sending strength.

Goodness! It’s an extraordinary story.

Denny, just a thought: since she has now been jailed, it seems to me you probably want YOUR version of things to ‘get out there’ pronto. Take legal advice on this I guess, but as the thing your parents seem to have feared most - public exposure - will now de facto happen to some extent, it seems strategic to ensure it is your version of events that is leaked out, via friends or whatever. Or even the press, if they are sniffing around, make sure it’s you they speak to.

I’m very sorry about such multiple betrayals. I can see why it seemed so unbelievable to you at first. Sounds like you’re now beginning to move more swiftly and effectively. Very glad you have the support of your sister. Seek friends’ support also. You need support in numbers I feel, given the effect of the combined ambush.

Denny,

Your story is heartbreaking! I am so sorry you are here but right now SI is a great place for you to find advice and support.

Keep posting on here! Yes see a lawyer, knowledge is power and you need that right now.

You have every right to feel how you feel and distance yourself from anyone that doesn’t support you right now! Sucks your family is more concerned about their community image! The fact that they knew and said nothing illustrates their poor character and priorities. Do not let them manipulate you into anything. They have not and do not have your best interests in mind. You must make choices for yourself right now.

A lawyer will help with the legal issues. I hope you have a friend you can confide in, you need some real life support as well. Your sister is amazing but try to get a friend or 2 on your side for support as well. Try IC as well. As for your wife, she brought this on herself. Yes she needs to take care of the baby and her doctors will advise her how to do that safely. In NO WAY is this your fault! Keep repeating that to yourself! It is not your fault!!

It is 100% hers and your brothers.

[This message edited by Somber at 7:29 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]

Denny

Think strategically.

Nobody “wins”. You don’t get awarded points for a better argument or for the number of friends you can convince that you are right. Your WW being in jail isn’t a victory per se.

IMHO the BEST end-solution for you that I see:

You get out of the toxic environment created by your brother, mom, dad and wife AND you can legally refute paternity.

Possibly the best tools for that right now are your sisters help AND a good bargaining position against the “enemy”. By enemy I’m grouping WW, mom and dad and brother in one group.

MAYBE offering an uncontested, quiet divorce and an agreeable division of assets AND a legally binding contract where your brother legally accepts paternity might be your best way out.

Use factors like not pressing charges, not talking publicly about it, keeping it under cover etc. as weight to get an agreement to your advantage!

Right now, THEY have a slight upper-hand. THEY can keep you on as the father (conceived while married -> ALL states make assumption husband is dad -> Most states = VERY HARD to refute paternity. Some states (CA…) = close to impossible…). THEY – the ENEMY – can basically force you to pay child support for the next 18 years irrespective of what happens between brother and your then ex-wife. And it’s a debt you can’t escape! It will follow you around for life.

I GET IT that maybe leaving most of your savings with WW might sound sour, but friend – it beats HANDS DOWN paying child support for 18 years while occasionally seeing your ex and brother all happy in family photos. Think long-term and find a permanent long-term solution!

Sorry I have not had time to update it’s been a crazy few days. Realizing the signs were there all along and feeling like a moron for being in denial. Realizing I was basically just her ATM for the past 5 yrs. Paid for all of her “treatments”, pilates 5 days a week, shopping sprees, girls trip to Spain last year. I work my ass off and this is what I get. Don’t see any way I can stay with her whether the kid is mine or not. I was so excited to be a dad and now I don’t know how to feel. Filed for divorce this morning, so she will be getting served very soon. Also filed a restraining order. Lawyer is a shark, says she will have to return the money to our account or she will face fines or potentially lose out on even half of that in the settlement. DNA test will be done. Right now I’m thinking of moving in with my sister. She lives across the country so I won’t have to run into my so called family or whore wife. Not sure what to do about the house yet. It’s in my name because wife never had a job and ruined her credit years ago. How was I so blind..Never again

Hindsight isn't even 20:20. It's just better than the rose coloured glasses of love, marriage, family, etc. In most cases (IMO) the foresight isn't too bad. In most cases there are things about each other that are unknown until marriage for some period of time but they can usually get worked out. When you are fully invested and committed it's hard to see that your choice for a life partner isn't.

You're moving along well. I haven't any suggestions about moving or not. I don't know what you work at and what job prospects are where your sister lives. One thing is to not make life altering decisions while emotional except with the double, triple or quadruple trauma you're facing ending all that is the right thing to do immediately.

Protect yourself. VAR at all times. Avoid being places where you can get boxed in without witnesses. Do you have equity in your house and can you list and sell it quickly. Having a house doesn't necessarily equate to having a home. To me, I think the house would be toxic.

Stay here. We're here for you. Cry, swear, lash out, whatever you need here. The aim here is to help you get out of adultery. You're on your way as painful as it is.

Hang in there, Denny. Yes you were in denial and that hurts. However, you are now stepping to the plate and freeing yourself from this situation. Moving across the country with your sister is a great idea. Make sure you get the legal advice from your great attorney about this.

Also, sadly, you may have to stay in town for her trial (criminal and btw spare her no mercy there) and for the divorce since otherwise you are going to have to rack up major expenses flying back and forth.

Also you have to find a job out there and now gives you some time.

Your family turned on you. there is no going back there or with your wife. Cut them out. Your family is now just your sister. Relish in that and move there with her as soon as your business is over.

Good luck, man

see if your lawyer can handle the divorce without you present

Sorry I have not had time to update it’s been a crazy few days. Realizing the signs were there all along and feeling like a moron for being in denial. Realizing I was basically just her ATM for the past 5 yrs. Paid for all of her “treatments”, pilates 5 days a week, shopping sprees, girls trip to Spain last year. I work my ass off and this is what I get. Don’t see any way I can stay with her whether the kid is mine or not. I was so excited to be a dad and now I don’t know how to feel. Filed for divorce this morning, so she will be getting served very soon. Also filed a restraining order. Lawyer is a shark, says she will have to return the money to our account or she will face fines or potentially lose out on even half of that in the settlement. DNA test will be done. Right now I’m thinking of moving in with my sister. She lives across the country so I won’t have to run into my so called family or whore wife. Not sure what to do about the house yet. It’s in my name because wife never had a job and ruined her credit years ago. How was I so blind..Never again

Excellent, go ahead and move with your sister and get away from that hell, don't worry about the house right now and let your shark attorney handle everything. I don't think you want to move back to that small town, it would be best to sell the house.

Right now, your primary concern should be your own well being. How's your job situation? Can you find another job where your sister lives? Wherever you go, you should look into getting some counseling for yourself.

Your lawyer can handle everything related to the divorce and your property without your presence -- including protecting the house from further vandalism. And of course it goes without saying, that you don't need to talk to the rest of your family about anything at all. Let your friends spread the word about the divorce and your family's messed up rationalization.

You might talk to a lawyer about having her evicted. I am not sure how this works because we only evict people who rent.. Since her name is not on the deed that might give you some more power but you need to go cautiously.

How was I so blind..Never again

You can't fix the past. Just your future.

If you have equity in the home guard it you'll need your finances to start over..

Inform your boss. They have probably dealt with this before.

Maybe ask for some time off.

Take care

Do not run. And don't bother with the mind movies or questioning why you did not see. It is a waste of time. Accept all that has happened and do not let any of these people break you. This is a time for ruthlessness,

not for running .

File a restraining order to keep her out of your house. Pack all of her stuff and drop it off at your brothers/parents house. If you leave, she will have the rights to your house. Imagine her and your brother shacked up while you are paying the mortgage.

Get it together mentally and physically. Get the house ready to sell. Cut off all communication with the family members that deserve no words. File a lawsuit against your brother to recapture any lost assets. Push hard and keep them guessing. A time will come when you meet them all again. Stand in strength while they hang their heads in shame.

This is not a tough guy approach. It is a refusal to allow the unworthy to walk over you in the daylight. Who needs the stupid mind movies and the darkness. There is nothing to think about, nothing to save. Burn it to the ground and walk away. Start your second life today.

Strength and Honor

Denny, please speak with your attorney about the house. Somehow you need to void your liability should something happen. Sell it and keep the proceeds, split the proceeds whatever, just protect yourself legally.

For the third time in less than four months we have a case where the betrayed husband is possibly not the biological father.

Denny – When that baby is born – totally irrespective of if you and we are married, divorced or divorcing – YOU are the father.

You can wave DNA results around till you are blue in the face. Still the father.

The process of refuting paternity is NOT as straight-cut as it should be.

Legally there are two definitions of “father”. The biological and the LEGAL. The biological is basically the sperm-donor. The later is the one that assumes or is expected to assume the responsibilities of being a father. A child born in wedlock or conceived in wedlock is by default the child of the husband. THAT father will be you. Judges will be extremely reluctant to change that. Even if you do have DNA proof. There are factors that can help you tremendously in getting the judge to accept your plea. Mainly if there is another man willing to sign on as the legal father.

The house? Did you purchase it after you two got married? Was there a prenup? Chances are it’s all marital property irrespective of the name on the deed.

Fine her for not returning the funds? Can’t squeeze blood from a stone. Does she have any assets to fine?

RO? Without a pattern of domestic violence, a court will think twice about refusing a pregnant woman the right to her legal residence.

I’m not pointing these things out to bring you down, but rather to ensure you deal with this from a position of reality. A lot of the suggestions offer might make you feel good, but IMHO the BEST feeling you will experience is maybe 2-3 years from now when you hear that your brother and his then-wife are having problems and you have cash in your pocket to celebrate – without having to pay child-support for HIS son or daughter.

Denny, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am from a toxic family where my STBXHole had an A with my sister that started before he and I got married 23 years ago. I too was used as an ATM, a work slave, a caretaker, and someone who was expected to shoulder all of the abuse that they wanted to dish out while suffering in silence in order to protect their reputations.

Let your lawyer handle what happens to the house because that will depend on a lot of different factors. Either way, I would plan on selling it and moving away to be closer to your sister. Your family sounds abusive at best. I have suffered through 45 years of my family's abuse and I have to tell you that it does not get any better. If anything, it just keeps getting worse. Get as far away from all of them as possible while you can still start over. Don't be like me where I have spent 45 years enduring their abuse and 23 years enduring the abuse of STBXHole. They have done nothing short of destroying me completely. My health is now shot and I am on SSDI because of the damage done by chronic and long term stress.

I hope you get your freedom and your peace of mind. If the child is yours, I hope you get custody and I hope her antics throughout all of this work in your favor.

F1

I so blind..Never again

Me too brother. 14 years.

It gets better, but it takes a while.