Hi UWD,
One question I keep asking myself is.
What did they both think was going to happen when it all came out, why didn’t she leave me before climbing into the bed of another man, what did he expect to happen.
Surely if one meets someone new the should end the relationship there in to pursue the new one. Why put others around at risk of being hurt.
I’m so confused.
I understand why you are asking those questions, but you will never find a satisfactory answer for them because people who begin affairs suspend rational thinking, and have no end-game in their plans.
Think of it this way: when a person first injects heroin into their body, are they thinking about what life as a drug addict will be like, or how they are going to wean themselves off the drug? Or are they thinking no further than how they are going to feel when their first hit gets into their bloodstream?
We all know it is the latter. All that matters is the next hit.
If people always thought things through, how many people would inject drugs or embark on an affair thinking, "What could possibly go wrong with this? Surely only good things can come of this decision"?
You are framing this as if your wife had a well thought out plan. Affairs are about the complete absence of a well thought out plan! They are pure self-indulgence. They are like buying five tubs of Haagen-Daazs ice cream and eating all of them in one session, with no thinking about getting fat because that would spoil the enjoyment.
It is only when you can no longer fit into your jeans that you will think, "Yeah...That ice cream thing was probably a dumb idea". It is the same with affairs. People only think about their decisions rationally afterwards.
As for your wife's affair partner, he is simply a player. Or maybe you should see him as a fisherman, which is how I see male players. Just as a fisherman identifies a part of a river where fish tend to congregate, a player identifies places where vulnerable women are likely to congregate.
For your wife's AP, a gym is like a big fish tank, with a constant conveyor belt of self-doubting fresh fish being fed into it. And like a fisherman, he regularly casts his hook and bait into the water to see which fish bite. It really is like the old phrase, "Shooting fish in a barrel".
Think about it; most women who go to a gym are doing it because they have concerns about their appearance or health. Their very presence there shouts, "I lack self-confidence, and feel like I need to improve".
If you want to 'play' women, gyms are probably the most perfect hunting ground to find targets, because every woman who shows up is saying she feels bad about herself.
It is absolute child's play to manipulate a woman who feels bad about herself by paying her compliments and making her feel like she is fascinating and sexy. And because she feels bad about herself, she is desperate for the bullshit that is being peddled to her. She believes what is said to her because she needs to feel better about herself.
If you can make a woman who doubts her attractiveness love herself, she will love you for it, and she will become hooked on the drug you are supplying, because she needs that good feeling in the same way that a drug addict needs their next hit.
If you are a selfish scumbag, this knowledge can be ruthlessly exploited. Time after time after time. You just look for a certain type of woman who has lost her sense of self worth. Once you find her, you can play her like a violin.
Where your wife's affair partner falls down is in how he exits from the exploitation. In an ideal situation, a player identifies a prospective target by asking questions. He then opens his heart - yeah, like he has one - about problems in his marriage, and how his wife does not understand him.
Oh, he is such a troubled, suffering soul, so in need of help and attention from a woman who is more caring and perceptive than his horrible shrew of a wife.
And if he is lucky, his target rises to the bait. She will save him. She will help him.
Instead of realising that she is being played, the target willingly becomes emotionally invested in the fiction that she has been sold. Perhaps by being the saviour of a poor tormented man, she can manifest all that is best in her as a woman...
And the player is oh so grateful, and encourages and thanks her. And before long...Well, we know exactly where this goes.
If your wife's AP was better at what he does, he would have started and conducted the affair along time-proven lines. Towards the end, he would have put on a great act of feeling like he hated himself, and that he really should try and save his marriage for the sake of his children, whom he loves more than life itself.
What female affair partner could argue with that? In fact, they may even admire their affair partner for his nobility, totally ignoring how questionable his decision to have an affair because they want to feel like they were so attractive that he had no choice.
He was an innocent moth, drawn to their flame.
A really good player will make a woman feel like she has a power over him that he cannot resist, while in reality he is exploiting her with complete contempt and disrespect. The predator turns himself into the victim, and the woman buys into the nonsense because she wants to believe that she has the power to mesmerise and overwhelm a man.
And what a 'rush' that idea gives her. And why wouldn't it?
A really good player will beg his victim to let him go, putting the power into the hands of the person he has been manipulating. Your wife's AP failed to end the affair as smoothly as this. That is why your wife started asking if it was 'just physical'. What she does not realise is that she was a total dupe, who was played by a carnival huckster.
Women who have been played struggle to accept that fact because acceptance requires them to let go of the self love that was generated by the bullshit their affair partner gave them. And who wants to lose that feeling?
A smart man does not focus on making a woman love him; he focuses on making her love herself. If he can achieve that, she will love him for it, and will want to keep him in her life.
The sad thing is that loads of good, decent men do not understand that, but loads of absolute scumbags do.
In your position, as your wife struggles to accept that she was exploited and played while believing that she was making wise decisions, the way forwards depends on what you want. If you want to save the marriage and remain with your wife, you will need to lead your wife back to a place where she can feel good about herself.
That is 100% counter-intuitive, isn't it? Why would the betrayed partner expend a second to try and make their betrayer feel good about themselves? It makes no sense. And yet, if you want reconcile, what good will come from branding a wayward spouse as a piece of garbage?
If you want to reconcile, a good attitude would be, "I believe you can be better than this, but it is up to you to prove that to me".
That provides both opportunity and encouragement, if a wayward spouse is looking for them.
Figure out what you need, tell your wife, and leave her to prove whether or not she can achieve it, and whether or not she wants to. And if she makes progress, let her know that you recognise it. That will be good for both of you.
