SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My understanding of TRUE forgiveness is "Im releasing myself from the anger/resentment I have because I will not let what you did control me any longer.

I use a different sentence, but I agree with your formulation.

We move forward from here, and if anything like this happens again, we will deal with it as if it is the first time it happened, because I release myself AND you from what you did".

I'm writing to provide a different view, not to argue that the quote is wrong.

Forgetting is not part of 'forgiveness' for me. The reality is that my W did betray me, and it's safest and most authentic for me to remember that, just as it's most authentic and therefore safest to remember how my W did and did not support and show love for me before and after her betrayal.

When I joined SI, close to 15 years ago, one of the propositions that I read regularly was that one could R without forgiving. That made sense to me then, and it still makes sense to me. Life got a little bit easier after I forgave my W, but just a little bit. IMO, my W earned forgiveness, and it was easier to accept that than reject it. But that's self-reinforcing - whether she earned forgiveness or not, I thought she had (and I had a lot of evidence in support), and it was a judgment I had to make on my own - as does every other BS.

IMO, though, forgiveness for pre-d-day actions does not in any way provide protection against post-d-day betrayal.

I, too, think forgiveness does not necessarily mean R. IMO, it's eminently possible to decide to forgive AND to realize one no longer wants to be together in the future. In fact, in some sitches, a decision to D may make it easier to forgive, again IMO.

But these are issues each of us has to work out for oneself. That may be universally true, not just my opinion.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:48 PM, Sunday, November 30th]

But these are issues each of us has to work out for oneself.

Sisoon, I feel that in this sense of betrayal, the statement you made above may well be the most accurate, "to the point" truths there is in dealing with the issue we face here. Its SUCH a personal thing that, though we air our thoughts and feelings out in hopes of finding relief, an answer... SOME sort of solid ground to stand on, at the end of the day, WE are the ones that have to come to terms with what happened. The info here, from people facing the same thing is priceless. If we can apply it to ourselves? That's a win. But WE must the decisions going forward. It can be a lonely road, so thankfully, we have this forum, and hopefully friends and/or family that we can trust.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[This message edited by Phill at 7:40 PM, Sunday, November 30th]

Stubbornness, bad logic, projection, mistaking high self-esteem for low - all are permitted by guidelines.

Good thing too, lest some of us would be out of a mod gig. See I'm doing that humour thing again to break the tension.

torso1500

I'm sorry you find no value in ny posting style, specifically my detabe-y philosophical style. All I would say is feel free to ignore me. I can tell you people have said at the minimum they've found some things I say to be intresting. I could swear even a poster or two referenced the term 'useful'

I can speak to my contributions in this tread in particular but hey, not ever paintings a Picasso.

I see the link between a want for justice (given you subscribe to the form of justice I outlined, which presumably I'm not the lone person on earth who does - especially given it has it's own branch of philosophy) and holding high self esteem, leading a BS divorce. But I'm happy to accept many others do not see this link.

DRSOOLERS, staff members are all volunteers. It's not a gig. The owner of the site doesn't receive a penny. There's no advertising or revenue generation beyond donations. sisoon is one of the most respected and cherished members here.

I'm curious. Why are you here? Aside from your profile, you share nothing of your own personal story, ask few questions, and generally seek to be understood rather than seek to understand.

Unhinged

I feel I have shared deeply personal accounts here. On many occasions. Whilst I do like discussing situations in the abstract, that's generally just how my mind works.

I'm here to test my beliefs regarding infidelity via discussion and debate. I find it helps me. I also felt as if my perspective wasn't well represented on forums such as this, so providing it would be useful to like minded posters.