SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wishing you the best of luck, SAF!

Do you know what kind delay there is between the test and the results with this particular kind of test?

Keep us posted. I will be thinking of you on Monday.

Do you know what kind delay there is between the test and the results with this particular kind of test?

Several days...maybe a week. I didn't want the test - my preference was to just raise the child and not give the OM any ammunition to gain legal rights later on. It's out of my hands, unfortunately.

Thanks for your support!

OC is a few months old. No paternity test, but FB pictures look just like my kids. We made contact to initiate paternity test, but OW did not respond. So I am in limbo, who knows for how long. I don't know what else to do. I am sick thinking of that fatherless child, angry because I hate it so much that OW was so selfish, and that giving me and my children what we need means walking away from an innocent child. I am angry at my WH for being so selfish and so stupid, and so irresponsible.

We are doing well in our relationship, but it still hurts like hell. We don't talk about it. I have dreams about OW. I can't stop creeping her FB page. I feel chained to something phantom and poisonous, I can't cut it loose. He never thinks about her - it makes him want to vomit.

Lately I've been having 'fog' words playing in my head... things he said when he was in the fog, or just coming out of it. It's so so so not fair. Why so much pain? What did I ever do to deserve this from him? I can't wait to be years down the road and looking back on the pain. We're coming up on the anniversary of 'conception date', and the last time they were together. Then there's the anniversary of D-day. Then there's Mother's Day and Father's Day to get through. Then I think we've made it through Round 1.

Anyone else have an OC they don't see or support financially? I feel so guilty. But I have to keep telling myself, I did not do this. I did not choose this. If she wants to raise her baby alone, why in the world would I be the one to fight that? I am so depressed and anxious and tired, and I just want this all to have been a dream.

plainpain, I am so sorry abut your situation. I never thought that I would be in this situation, and I always had in my mind that an affair would be a complete deal breaker, but I'm still here after almost 2 hears. It's extremely hard to accept it. OC entered my life when he was not even 3 months old yet. Yes, you read correctly. 3 months. OW handed OC to WH at that tender age and I can honestly say that I looked after him the majority of the time. He was with us for 3 months, then went back. He's been back with us 2 more times, and it breaks my heart seeing that his two parents are such idiots, they don't think about this poor boy. Your WS's OW might be doing the right choice. Although I would suggest that your H contact her and also a lawyer to see what his options are. She might want to collect child support down the road. Anyhow, I wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but I'm still hurting and up till now I don't feel that I have progressed much. Only time will tell.

The discussion with OW went exactly as I worried that it might~ she milked the opportunity to get her digs in, show off her attitude and treat me and speak of me as the invisible third-wheel. When FWH said that she shouldn't have gotten in my face in May or called the house in August, she bitched back that it's in the past and dealt with, and how she had to pay $200 to the court...but that she should be able to call and speak to FWH, and that's what she's going to request~ that she has all means of contacting him.

She once again felt the need to get loud about the fact that SHE'S OC's mother, not me, and that she has "never" heard of mothers who deal with the stepmothers. I can't stand her calling me OC's stepmother. Bonus mom, other mother, Dad's wife even.....but I did not marry my husband after she had a child with him, she knew we were married when she had OC.

None of the issues got resolved, and it only drove a deeper wedge between FWH and I...so I hate that this discussion happened. I blew up at FWH afterwards, and I still feel emotionally betrayed, and am considering D. I couldn't stand the fact that he was sitting there taking her shit and not fighting her on it at all. We had discussed beforehand what we would do if either of us felt that the conversation was going badly, so I signaled to him when it started crashing....and still he sat there listening to her BS!

He's been expressing remorse, telling me that he was only being civil to her on the suggestion of the mediator, and because he worries that he might Hulk out on her if he would have said what he really thinks and feels. This is really not much consolation to me~ I feel like I was thrown into the ring to take a few more damn hits.

She has already used OC to show that the court doesn't care about our family when it comes to support money. I don't want to live with her having say over how our household lives as well. If she has free reign over our lives, then what kind of marriage do we even have? I'm back to feeling lost and lonely, yet he swears that he is here.

Wishing the best for you, strangeasfiction. I hope everyone here is doing better and continues to heal.

Thanks, Sparkle. Sending you a big hug and lots of moral support.

Strangeasfiction, I am sorry that this is not going your preferred way. If I were in your situation, that would have been my preference as well. Hell, in MY situation that was my preference. I would have loved for OW to give up her rights to OC, but OC is her ace-in-the-hole.

Sparkle, I am so sorry. I had a situation early on, when OW was pregnant. She called my phone and I put FWH on. He told her to leave us alone and never contact us again. She kept reciting all of the perceived slights I had caused her (I wrote her one email when I first suspected an A, letting her know that fWH and I were still together and letting her know that chasing after FWH would only result in heartache for her). He just calmly listened and then reiterated that she was never to contact us again. I was so pissed he didn't get mad and tell her to fuck off, but in the end, it really was for the better. It showed her that her actions have little effect on him, and that she cannot get an emotional rise out of him.

Well, we are currently away on vacation with my inlaws (whom we haven't seen for years) who live many states away. Today is our last day, we are packing up (to leave their house) while they gone for work. I was showing our COM pictures of the inlaws dogs they have on the fridge, and when I took one down I found 3 pictures of OC tucked behind it. They were on the back side of the fridge, so I don't know if they are always back there, or if they were hidden while we were here. I tried to hide them from COM (who is 4), but she saw theem and kept asking if they were her (OC and COM are a year apart).

The writing on the back is either OW's, or SIL (we don't see or speak to SIL, she's a toxic, backstabbing, meth addicted OW herself), but OW does! Needless to say, I am crushed and humiliated. I knew inlaws knew of OC because of SIL, but I had no idea they were receiving pictures of OC. for fuck's sake, they don't have any pictures of COM on their refrigerator. Nice, huh?

Now, FWH and his parents have never spoken about OW/OC, so any information they have about OW/OC all come from SIL, FWH's XW, and OW. I am sure I am the villan in all they've been told, I always am in OW and SIL's version of events.

Now I know when MIL asked how long it has been that fWH and I have been together, and I told her the year, FIL and MIL went silent and didn't make any further eye contact with me. I AM HUMILIATED.

June will be 7 years from Dday. SEVEN YEARS and here I am, on my last day of vacation, bawling my head off from humiliation. I can't say anything about it to inlaws, because then I am "crazy insecure Betrayed Spouse". I want FWH to ask if they are in contact with OW. I know FIL has met her (through a function held for my adult stepdaughter's graduation, which we were not invited to because OW was in attendance), so I imagine they may be corresponding, and likely out of politeness.

I know from seeing OW's Facebook feed that FIL has sent my adult stepD's money for OC's birthday gift, which makes me absolutely sick (OC is in the process of being adopted by OW's H).

I am so pissed that we have been here for a wonderful, fun filled week, and now I a left feeling like this. This has uncovered a new level of rage, and memories of OW contacting MY family, sending them pictures of OC on social networking with OUR last name and asking "Don't I look just like MY DADDY, Mr. Want2help?".

FWH wants to contact our adoption attorney when we get home and ask the attorney can send OW a letter requesting she cease contact/do not initiate contact with BOTH of our families. Adult stepDs and SIL will be excluded, as OC is already bonded with them and they are not involved in our life in any capacity.

Here is where I need advice:

I had a wonderful time with my inlaws up to this, but this overshadows every fun, joyful moment we've had this past week. 7 years out now, and I need to do what is necessary for my healing. This has been a tremendous setback. I feel like maybe I should remove myself from tis equation, and cease contact with my inlaws. Of course I would never keep FWH and COM from them, but perhaps if OW is not removed from the equation, I should just remove myself...?

We're now headed to a relative of mine for a few more days. I have approached FWH about just staying here, while I go, and we will meet up before we fly back. He's not too happy, but I don't feel like I want to be anywhere near him right now.

I guess this is life 7 years out when you have a particularly vindictive c*** of an OW, who will stop at nothing to infiltrate your family.

((HUGS)) for everyone.

Our court case is over. OW was awarded less then $100/month which she asked the court to backdate to the day her son was born. The judge to her no, it would start in April. She asked my H if he wanted access. H said no it's pointless.

All this has been too much for me. We're divorcing.

Want2 - if your inlaws won't remove OW from the sitch I would remove myself from them. OW's spend so much time creating pain and heartache. How can they be ok with that. My H's parents insist on NC with OW/OC. Not that it matters much now. But my H's mom said she understood (H has put me through a lot of shit - this was the straw that broke the camels back) and that I would always be her daughter in law.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 7:18 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]

Thank you for the hugs, stranger

stronger~ I am so glad to hear that support isn't an unreasonably high amount, and even better that OW got denied the arrears she wanted. I am sorry to hear that it is over between you and FWH though. Sending you lots of hugs and strength in your recovery.

Want2~ It makes me mad for you that your in-laws seem to care more about OW than their DIL. I would hate for the OC situation to permanently come between you and them, especially with the adoption so close to happening. I would try having a sit-down with them and explaining why anything having to do with OW and OC affects you. They might not be the kind of people that are easy to talk to~ my FIL and my parents are similar in that respect. OW doesn't talk to them ,but they tend to have....diarrhea of the mouth. H and I were driving my mother back to her house and she said about OC~ "I can definitely see [FWH] when I look at him". I said, "[2nd oldest] looks like [FWH] (he agreed)...OC looks like his mother and her mother (his grandmother)". Then my mom proceeded to debate, "No, he looks like FWH!" Really,mom?

Hugs to you ((((Want2))))

Ironically, I said that exact thing in this past week~ that OW is using OC as her ace-in-the-hole. I'm mad at FWH because during the meeting, he didn't tell her No Contact. Even though we had agreed on contact guidelines before the meeting (limited e-mails and text only in emergency), when she brought up about calling the house again, he slipped and told her "Ok". So now that he said that, she's going to tell the court that he said he is fine with the idea of her calling and it's just a matter of me not wanting her to call. He also f'ed up by going with her statement that ALL lines of contact should stay open, even though she said she won't agree to be civil to me or COM. It's like that Pod Person was sitting next to me during the meeting.

Stronger, I'm glad your H won't be paying out the nose for OC. That will allow him to support COM if you do indeed divorce. I'm really sorry it isn't working out for you guys, and we will still always be here for you.

(((stronger)))

Sparkle- my inlaws are IMPOSSIBLE to talk to.

So, I saw the pictures and flipped out on FWH. Like, really let him have it, I cried, I yelled, I told him how humiliated I am over the whole thing... I don't think I have ever let loose like that about the whole OW/OC situation, and we are almost 7 years out.

He cried. Apologized profusely. He wants to contact the attorney and have some sort of "No Contact" sent to OW (concerning my FIL and his wife, my MIL and SIL are so far up OW's ass that OW can have them, as far as FWH is concerned). Not sure if that's something that we can do, but whatever.

I know that my FIL isn't calling OW, or having long talks with her. I'm 99% sure he met her once, at a function for my adult stepD (he flew here). The meeting was arranged by SIL and XW (stepD's mother). Since then I have seen XW posting on Facebook to tell OW that FIL had sent OC's "birthday check" to her (XW) along with stepD's "birthday check" (yes, my FIL is nothing more than a check to XW, and even though all stepD's are adults, XW is STILL trying to cash in on them).

I read a Facebook post from my SIL (at the time of the function for adult stepD) about how she couldn't wait for FIL to fly up and meet OC and OW for the "first time". XW was commenting about how she, too, could not wait, and how great it was going to be. At the time, FIL had not even met our COM.

I am relatively sure that the contact is limited to an exchange of pictures and "birthday checks" (and likely xmas, too, knowing my FIL). So in addition to getting CS, OW gets twice yearly checks for gifts for OC (and if they're the same amount as our COM gets from FIL, it's nothing to shake a stick at).

When FIL last flew here to visit, he flew into our city, drove to our home town to see SIL and stepDs (and maybe OC, who knows), then drove back to our city before flying home. Upon arriving BACK in our city, after his visit with everyone else, he asked FWH "So, be honest. Did you move to XXX (new city) to get away from XW, OW, SIL, etc.?" FWH said "Yep, pretty much!" and FIL laughed and said something about it being a hornet's nest. So, without our side of the story or ANY details from us whatsoever (he has never asked us HOW in the hell OC was conceived in the middle of our relationship!) he has deciphered that they are a "hornet's nest" that we needed to remove ourselves from.

We haven't heard from the attorney for a while, last we heard we were still waiting on the courts to get to our case. I am PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING that the adoption goes through in June, when we were last quotes. At this time I will DEMAND my FWH call his father, tell him about the adoption, and ask him to cease all contact with OW and OC.

In other OW gossip, OW recently posted a couple new profile pictures on Facebook, and I have to look at her ugly mug every time I check my messages (we correspond through Facebook and I am keeping record of all conversations). In her last picture she had the obvious remnants of a serious black eye. And not a "Oh, I bumped into the corner of a _______" black eye. We're talking bruised all the way around, top to bottom, corner to corner. I don't know who did it (her H? Her H's FBS? Someone she pissed off?) but to whomever did it, I have this to say:

[This message edited by Want2help at 4:11 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Want2 - Maybe her face met the fist of another wife she screwed over. That would be nice.

Thanks for all the support on this thread. The official order says "no access" which is nice. We're remaining friendly for the kids but I just can't seem to get over it. I'm only 9 mos out since dday and I feel like "ok stronger, it's almost 1 year--get over it already!!" but I can't. And it sucks.

she brought up about calling the house again, he slipped and told her "Ok". So now that he said that, she's going to tell the court that he said he is fine with the idea of her calling and it's just a matter of me not wanting her to call.

I hate this. and it's not even me! ALL these OW's seem to think they were the one's getting screwed...ummm...helloooo!

I was watching Wendy Williams and she was talking about Beyonce's father's mistress complaining that he doesn't see their 4 year old or pay support and Wendy said (and I am paraphrasing here) "I never feel sorry for the side chick. She know's the situation and still chooses to get involved. They both should have been careful but if she didn't want this life for herself or her child she should have protected herself." AMEN.

I've been more comfortable surrounding myself with the support of fellow SI-ers then my own family (especially Want2 and Sparkle) so thank you!

Want2 - Maybe her face met the fist of another wife she screwed over. That would be nice.

Perfectly plausible. The guy she's married to now (he's only like, 21 or 22, she met him when he was 18) has a pregnant fiance when OW got pregnant by him. I don't think he even sees the kid, and he's adopting OC.

I'm only 9 mos out since dday and I feel like "ok stronger, it's almost 1 year--get over it already!!"

Do we EVER get to "get over it"? It's not just an affair. There is a human being alive on this earth because of our spouse's infidelity. I am not "over it" now (hence my breakdown at my inlaws over pictures of OC decorating the fridge), and I certainly wasn't over it at 9 months. At 9 months we were still in constant MC and IC, and I was still afraid I was going to end up killing FWH, OW, or both.

I don't see myself ever leaving this board. The things I have suffered will last a lifetime for me. I lost my stepDs, who were a huge, huge part of my life pre-A. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

Don't feel like you should be over ANYTHING, stronger. They give a 3-5 year timeline for healing on this board for people WITHOUT OCs as a result of the A.

I have to say, I LOVE Wendy Williams. She tells it like it is like nobody's business.

I am glad that I can be a support for you, and the others here. It is the only positive outcome of suffering through this, the idea that I may be able to help others in the same situation.

(((hugs to us all)))

Completely agree with Want2~ I'm over a decade out and yet a setback like this feels almost as bad as D-Day. Every situation and every person is unique. *hugs*

So get this one- one of the things that OW said during this pointless discussion was that part of having all communication open was that she agreed not to tell FWH that she would ignore or block his messages as long as he didn't say that to her. FWH sent her a message notifying her of another support overpayment. Her reply was, "We need to have another meeting ASAP. Let us know what works." No freaking way~ like I'm going to sit there and go through THAT again! So FWH notified her that we will not be meeting again in person, addressed the things she said at the meeting, and said that if she was willing to come to any agreements to send it in email.

She replied that any further emails would be filed for harassment

So we prepare for the court date. If there is any justice, her continuance request will be denied, and she will either skip out on the hearing or she'll miss her vacation.

mistress complaining that he doesn't see their 4 year old or pay support

This is the part I don't get. FWH pays support, as much as if not more than either of her husbands. Instead of fleeing to the other side of the country to get away from her like her 2nd H did, FWH is fighting so that he CAN see OC. Yet she STILL complains....why? Why the active hate toward not just FWH, but also me and our COM?

Personally sparkle, my h's ow ACTIVELY tried to break us up so she could have him and it didn't work. Her first child's father hates her,, her exh disappeared and my h told her to fuck off and leave him alone. We actually have a friend in common who told me she puts on a phoney act that men eventually see through and they leave her. She hadn't held onto a man in years (so I'm told). Misery loves company no matter what ur h does she'll be a bitch.

OW is definitely good at putting on the phony act~ currently she has her boyfriend/fiancé/husband blinded. I would've thought that being with someone would make her not miserable though....the fact that she has a home with him and he plays Daddy to her kids. Instead, she actually seems to act worse when she is with someone, like with her 2nd XH. It's almost as if she wants to tell me, "Not only do I have a man by my side, I'm also going to control YOUR man, too".

I'm sorry but I can just not relate to this thread... and yet I am most likely going to have to deal with my WH fucking a CL whore around easter 2008 = I was 4 months pregnant = so that my son and the OW's are all of 5 months apart.

How does someone deal with telling the kids? I do not want a 20-something lost soul showing up and announcing "hi I'm your half-brother" out of the blue. But I do not intend to just accept another puppy just because my WH was too stupid to protect his family by using a condom.

My husband agrees he was just a sperm donor and she just used him. Especially when I pointed out the obvious of how she's done nothing but extort him outta guilt - he's in therapy for depression (now I know why!) and she's just bought herself a house with his $20K gift...

WH has promised to establish that OW needs to find that boy a father as plan is NC = Joseph did just fine raising a son who wasn't biologically his... just my two cents.

This whole mess is just so disgusting to me on so many levels I am still very new to processing = we have yet to officially establish paternity, but I figure it is better to plan for the worse.

So any advice on appropriate ages to tell regarding this issue? Daughters are 10, 8 and son is 5 1/2 so if R is possible I'm thinking this is at best 5 years out

ugh I'm sorry but I am really struggling as to why/how this is supposed to strengthen my marriage (sorry I am just being whiny clay right now...I so do not understand the potter at this time).

[This message edited by Merida at 4:26 AM, April 4th (Friday)]

First off, Merida, we're here to provide support for one another, so beginning your thread with "I'm sorry but I can just not relate to this thread…" comes off as very defensive and critical.

What exactly can you "not relate to", when you appear to be in the same situation as the rest of us?

I am not planning on telling my children until my youngest is old enough to process... unless OW decides to ask for paternity test/support. Then I guess it depends on the child, but we will need to say something. Certainly before OC becomes old enough to reach out. Our kids know about the A, and that OW said she was pregnant. I told them I didn't believe her, and we left it at that.

We are NC with OW/OC.

my 8 year old son was crying in bed the other night. Just randomly, he said, "I feel so sorry for kids on Father's Day who don't have a dad." He adores his daddy. I don't know how my kids will process knowing their dad has a child he walked away from. I hope they can think of it like parents who give a child up for adoption. I only care about their emotional health... otherwise, it really is my H's problem to sort out.

I totally agree, plainpain. It was hard enough when my COM saw a picture of OC on her grandfather's refrigerator when we traveled to visit him over spring break (I didn't know the picture was there, and wasn't previously aware he had pictures of OC). COM asked if the picture was her as a baby. Devastating.

I honestly almost hope that, since OC is being adopted by OW's new H, OW fills Oc's head with enough negativity regarding FWH and I that OC never reaches out to us. Selfish, but I think it would be easier for everyone involved.