SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you know what I didn't do? I didn't have an affair. I did not have sex with another man. Instead, I remained faithful knowing that this was just a short time in the grand scheme of things (and it was). Every time my husband came home I told him that I appreciated him for working as hard as he was, sacrificing time with us, to make a better life for us. He told me how much he appreciated me for going back to school, sacrificing my SAHM position, so that our life wouldn't always be the way it was. (Eventually he was laid off and now has a job down the street, supporting us, and I am still pursuing my grad degree).

I am telling you this because I think you are owning too much of your wife's behavior. People all over travel, work too much, don't see enough of their families, etc., and their spouses don't have affairs.

This is really the only part of the whole process with which I've had any success. I totally blamed myself at first, asking what if I had done this or that? What if I'd been around more? I still feel guilty for it - but only as far as it goes for its own sake. I've put the affair completely on her by now. I wish she had some of the same strength you had when your FWH was traveling for work so much.

I wouldn't even call it "strength". strength was riding home with brownies and coolies in my lap the other day and not eating them. Not screwing another man is just loyalty, dedication, etc.

A DNA test can be done at 20 weeks, with an amniocentesis, I believe.

As far as what kind of family does OM have to be "happy" for him, probably the same as OW's. Her mother was her biggest cheerleader during the A, and helped her name OC (a word defined as: A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control, if you can believe THAT shit).

But honestly, strange, I wanted to tell you (and I didn't want it to get lost among a hundred frenzied responses to your post in JFO), the one thing I have learned through this whole ordeal is that, in time, everything WILL be okay. Whether you R or D, one day this pain, this agony, will be a distant memory. I have experienced it myself, as well as seen it from the dozens of OC members who have come and gone (I am now the old timer here).

Do I still hate that OW had FWH's child? Yeah, it disgusts me. Does it break my heart the months (and a couple of years, to be honest), past Dday? No. It doesn't even hurt anymore, really. I can look at pictures of OC (which I often do, on Facebook, since FWH has chosen NC) and see a beautiful little girl who looks so much like my own DD, and not the product of deception, cruelty, and lies.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by Want2help at 4:55 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

I wouldn't even call it "strength". strength was riding home with brownies and coolies in my lap the other day and not eating them. Not screwing another man is just loyalty, dedication, etc

I concede the point!

But honestly, strange, I wanted to tell you (and I didn't want it to get lost among a hundred frenzied responses to your post in JFO), the one thing I have learned through this whole ordeal is that, in time, everything WILL be okay. Whether you R or D, one day this pain, this agony, will be a distant memory. I have experienced it myself, as well as seen it from the dozens of OC members who have come and gone (I am now the old timer here).

Thanks for the support. And the inspiration. You're the best.

Strange - Just checking in with you again this evening. I'm continuing to follow your thread in JFO. I can't post there, because I am a "madhatter". In other words, I cheated in my relationship as well. The moderators of this site said they are okay with me posting within this OC thread, though.

I'd have to agree with everything Want2help told you. Things do get better with time and healing. That being said, I think it's important for you to take an active role in your healing, legally, by getting yourself in the best possible position you can be in, as well as mentally, by getting whatever help you need, be it, SI, or IC, or MC. Just know that we're here for you, and we have your back.

Me: Huh? What kind of family is this?

I read the dialogue that you made up of OM with his mom. Sounds batshit crazy doesn't it? But it really wouldn't be that far fetched if that turned out to be the case. I personally know of a situation very similar to that. It is one crazy and fucked up world out there, I am telling you.

If you don't mind me touching on the biracial thing - this is something that I have had concern about as well. My wife and the OM are both biracial, and both from totally different racial and ethnic backgrounds from each other, and from myself. I have worried about my son taking on some features of OM's ethnic background, and having to explain things. Luckily, my son passes off very easily as a mix of her ethnic background and mine - obviously, or else I wouldn't have been fooled for all of these years, I suppose, right? I guess what I'm getting at is that studying the baby's features when this child is born won't be enough. I think the amnio DNA test is a great option if both you and your wife agree to the risks. If not, definitely talk to your attorney about what to do about signing the birth certificate.

It's pretty much assumed that if a guy is married and in the delivery room with his wife, that he will be signing that birth certificate, no questions asked. There weren't any questions asked in my case, aside from having the paperwork handed to me on a clipboard. Sounds simple, but there are lifetime legal consequences and responsibilities involved.

You knowing that there may be good possibility of a paternal discrepancy (yeah, that's what they call it) ahead of time, may work in your advantage, legally. Perhaps you can have the opportunity to withhold from signing the birth certificate, and your wife putting "unknown" as the father. Shortly after, perhaps you could legally adopt this child, and have your name put on the birth certificate without the OM being able to legally contest it. These are all "perhapses" though. Only a lawyer could tell you what your options are in your state.

My buddy Alexa071, whom I met through this site through very similar circumstances gave me some of the best advice. He told me to go to the richest part of downtown, find the best high rise building, and hire the family lawyer that is sitting on the top floor of that building. There is a reason why that attorney is so successful and can afford to lease there. Don't settle.

All of that stuff aside, my main concern right now is for you. How are you holding up? I know you are dealing with a lot, and I don't feel like it has all hit you yet. Feel free to reply here, or hit me up on PM at any time. I'm here for you.

Take care.

This is my first time posting on here and finding this site is so amazing! Personally i dont know anyone who is going through this sort of thing so its nice to read all the thoughts of other women and know IM NOT CRAZY!!

Well, first i must ask what FWH stands for? i know your spouse.

My fiance and I have been together 7yrs and have 3 children. I found out on christmas eve 2012. WHY the day before christmas?! I was broken! I generally can handle ANYTHING with a smile even if im faking it BUT this was a whole different monster! I went on autopilot for days!!! I cried, he cried. We cuddled cooked played with our children and tried to act normal but my general up beat personality was no more for those few days. I didnt even speak. Maybe a good morning, yeah, no, okay, i love you, goodnight. He would just hold me for hours. Though i didnt speak, i KNEW i wasnt going anywhere. Ill be damned if i put everything into this man and OUR family to let some nasty woman and their selfish actions tear us apart. Once again i was going to show his ass exactly why he was with me! Because im better! I have class morals and an undying loyalty to my FAMILY married or not!

A few days went by and i woke up and was back to my glass half full type self! "I'll stand by you through it, we'll do it together!" He was so amazed. I could see the love in his eyes, then the pain. I know that if he knew what his selfish actions would bring he never would have done it. He told the OW that i was accepting and wasnt going to leave and she flipped out!! I knew long before she was pregnant that she had it in for him. I didnt of course know they were having an A. I had suspected it but this girl is about as low as you can get so even if he wanted to have an A, id expect him to raise his standards a little.

People all over his FB were saying they were praying for him and our family since he outed himself on there. I felt it was right to let them know that his loving woman was standing by him and posted that we would make it and "accept this child as one of our own." In no way meaning i would try to be this childs mother but that i would love it just like my own. Well the OW saw this and flipped again. Saying i couldnt see the child, so then he lost it called her out on having it just to split us up. It was just so crazy so my fiance decided to have NC with her and the OC for a while till things calmed down. At first i didnt like the idea because i wanted to take the bull by the horns and get to it. But looking back he made the right decision. I think it gave us all some time to heal. Also, it sort of let her know where his priorities are.

We are a little over a year into it and my fiance just in the last month has decided to visit the OC. Thats not to say the the OW hasnt tried to contact him. I do actuually think she is a good mother. I sometimes think she genuinely just wants him involved for the right reasons. BUT it seems like the more involved he gets the more her feelings come back. I cant blame her for wanting the father of her child in her home but HES MINE! And fathered all of our children. Hes not just going to up and leave us!! Though i understand her feelings she doesnt consider mine or our childrens. She shouldnt have slept with a man whom she KNEW had a family!!

As of right now i told him i am comfortable with him visiting OC 2x per week for an hour or 2 in a public place. I plan on this lasting for about 2 months at most. Then incorporating me and our children in OC life. No more solo visits after 2 mos and at about 3-4 mos the child should come to our house for visits. First just for a few hours and after to stay every other weekend. He is okay with this. Sometimes he sees her 2x a weeks sometimes its once. It depends on how the OW acts. If she seems needy or pushing he wont go, if she backs off then he visits. I guess to let her know her place. He does not pay CS and doesnt give any money at this point. OW knows he will not just give her money. She has not put him on CS and i think its because she knows once she goes that route he will use the courts to and get his visitation that way and cut off all ties with her. Which personally i would love!! But im just giving it time. Eventually it will all fall in place.

I have showed the OW way more respect then she deserves in our few conversations. Just for my sanity i guess. Its one of those keep your enemies closer....or Kill em with kindness things. I hope that my good example will sway her into getting serious about just being good co parents. Her and I are in a wierd place. I also do it so we can all be cordgial and get along. I want to knock her lights out. But knowing her she'll get some restraining order on me and then OC wont be able to be around me!!

Truthfully, sometimes being the bigger person tho is soooooo annoying! This is the part nobody knows! I get tired of bending and being respectful and considering feelings when nobody considered mine or my childrens. Sometimes i wonder if maybe i was the mistake and she is his real soulmate. (Even tho they dont get along now, but still the stuff that goes through your mind) Maybe im the one in the way of their happiness. Sometimes i wish he would be an asshole to her. His frustration with the situation gets taken out on me a lot, take that shit out on her ass!! Sometimes i hope that when the OC gets older she will have ill feelings towards OW for what she did. But then i worry my children will be mad i stayed! I secretly LOVE when my fiance and her argue! As much as i'd like them to get along as strictly co-parents, i can see she still has feelings and so i love when she hurts. Its only right considering one day she will meet someone else and be happy and i will always have to live with this. I hope her future spouse does with another woman to her, what she did to me. I feel like they took something from me i will never get back. I cant wait to see OC and bond with her. That is genuine. However i sometimes hope it genuinely kills OW that her child and i will be close. Sometimes i read messages over and over looking for something to be wrong....i can tell you verbatim what they say but still i obsess over them. I check the call logs religiously!!! Those were all just feelings i sometimes have....i had to get them out! YUCK!!

Truly, my intentions are best for everyone. I know this is painful for all of us! I pray everyday for healing and strength for all of us, OW included. I know my fiance and i will make it through this. Also, we are supposed to get married by march!! Wish us luck!!

[This message edited by DTERMINED2SURVIV at 12:07 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

So after writing my last post ish has hit the fan. Of course as usual before 2 pm everyday she sends her daily text asking if he can see the OC. Well im at work and he is about 15 messages in talking to her. To me, thats to many! How many does it take to say no! I hate days like these! All my courage and strength turns into rage. Im shaking right now. I just know when i get home, EVERY message on there better be accounted for! Oh, and i tried calling him which he didnt answer turns out he was on the phone with her.UGH!! He says OW says her schedule is always changing so thats why she writes everday which is a lie. I know her schedule already....he should too! Times like this make me feel like we might not make it. Im not going to sit around and feel like i have to watch over my shoulder EVERY day for the rest of my life! I will not do that! I wish OC was already coming to our house. My leniency is being pushed to the limit. Im about to put my foot down and tell him no more visits with OC AND OW unless i am there or OC must come to our house. That or he can come "visit" me and our children!

So my fiance had a "casual" conversation with OW yesterday. UGH! So after a terrible night he recieves message from her this morning saying "good morning!" He finally called her and put his foot down. Saying that he will be a part of OC's life but if its not about OC then its NC. OW replied that her and OC will just leave him alone and never contact him again. OW says she feels like her and the father of her child should be able to be friends. He told her maybe under other circumstances but under these it wont work. Though im happy about it, i can hear a hesitance in his voice. Im so tired of OW using OC as an excuse for EVERYTHING! If she wanted that kind of parental bond she should have had more sense then to sleep with a man who has a family.

Determined2survive - fwh is former wayward husband. On the left hand side u will see a yellow box and the healing library is in there giving u a breakdown of the short hand etc. takes a while but u will get there. Some good things to read too. Sorry this is happening to u :(

Hi DTERMINED2SURVIV.... reading your post makes me think of myself some 4.5 years ago (the OC in my life just turned 4 in December). Seriously, every thought you expressed, the checking the phone records.. the fact that you and your SO are NOT yet married. the only difference is that you and your SO have children already and my than boyfriend (not even a fiance) and I did not (so this was his first child and I have no children) I felt rather stupid at times for staying BUT I did and I am happy I did. We are now married and things are actually REALLY good.

The other woman and I have a working relationship and for the most part she stays in her lane(it was not always like this).

I just wanted to log in wish you luck and many blessings in your future with your soon to be husband. Keep being realistically optimistic and things will work out.

[This message edited by Masks at 12:59 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

I just want my life back !! I can't believe I was happy - like disgustingly someone must have wanted to punch me in the face - happy!! Now I'm just defeated. I want to be on the way up! Not sure how much further down there can be - and I've had LOWS!

Thanks Mamabears! I should have looked around more. I was just so ready to let it all out lol. I hope that your doing better then you were in your last post. For me this is a day by day thing since it is so new. I know about all the highs and lows. Im sorry we had to meet like this.

MASKS....Thank you so much for that. Today of course is a good day. Sometimes i feel so funny for truly feeling like we will beat the odds and make it through this. I pray that years from now we will be where you are at! I really feel like he is worth it. Thank you for this added encouragement!!

Dtermined2surviv - it was just someone gave me the same info when I posted my story first time and I found a lot of useful resources. - am I doing better? I'm still a bit minute to minute. I'm better when I c him but last night he blew up about how he knows he was an arsehole he knows he did wrong and much as I know it's himself he was angry at it doesn't change that it was me he shouted at so he's away early this week. I WANT us to make it I'm just not convinced we will. I don't think it's silly to defy the odds. Being focused on the end goal will hopefully keep u strong x

Hopefully im posting in the right spot. I am in such a tough situation all around. I found out in fall of 2012. I found out everything. The affair, the other girls pregnancy. We talked and I decided to stay. We have two kids in our marriage. That is partly why I wanted to work it out. It didnt seem fair to me to give it all up and give up my kid's family for this mistake. We initially decided to let things ride out and him not persue the relationship with the other baby. The other girl finally found me on facebook and started messaging me trying to get ahold of my husband. I didn't reply. A few weeks ago she sent pictures of the baby to my facebook. I have privacy turned on but the messages went to my other folder. When I blocked her she got on a relatives account and tried messaging me. Today in the mail we received a packet for child support. He doesnt know yet because he works for the railroad and has to have his phone turned off. No one in my family knows or there would be all kinds of drama. I have initially decided to stay but longer it goes the madder im getting about it all. My kids have a half sister they may never know or may find out about later. If they do the rest of my family may learn of it. I dont think I could handle him being involved in the baby's life. On the other hand she is absolutely innocent. Im back to wondering if I should stay or go. We are looking at 18 years of child support. Do I want that? If I leave my husband is looking at 3 child support children (I know that it's his fault to begin with but its still a big burden) and my kids will grow up in yet another divorced family. We were reconciled but this keeps snowballing.

Hi wyowoman, just wanted to touch base with you real quick to let you know that you are posting in the right place, and you are not alone. This is such a tough situation that you have been put in, and I am sorry that you are here, although I am glad that you have found us. Things can move a bit slowly on the weekends here sometimes, but you have been heard, and we're here for you.

My situation is a bit different than yours, but from what I have read, some of the first things you'll be wanting to look into is an attorney to find out your rights and how to protect you and your kids financially as much as possible, as well as looking into paternity testing.

The emotional battle is extreme, and this is a whole different level of hurt.

Just wanted to respond and let you know that more folks will be coming along to offer advice and support

Sending you strength and support.

@wyowoman: I am new to this site also, but have been dealing with the issue a little over a year. I too didnt want some woman to just take what i worked so hard for years at! And i wasnt going to let that mistake cause my kids to grow up in seperated homes. Of course, at some point, enough is enough, but this is not that point. I do have days though where i wonder the same thing. Can i really do this for 18 years? Gosh, we've only been together 7 and it seems like a long time so can i really do it. Yes! Take it day by day. Moment by moment. That is, if its still what you want. I cant let the fear of tmw take the strength out of today. So if you want it to work then conquer it daily!! Prayer really helps too. I have days where i feel like the only thing getting me through is not letting the OW win. That alone is no reason to stay but overall i know this is where i want to be.

Help. OW sent my mom a facebook message. Basically saying that H and I are heartless monsters and that I fabricated a fake DNA test saying he wasn’t the father to help him get out of his responsibility (I did NOT). She went on and on how karma will get us and she can’t wait to see him back in court. She also said that God is watching over her son and sees what we’re doing. This all happened after they had an argument and he said he wished he never met her, and, wished the kid wasn’t his because then he wouldn’t have to deal with her (he called her because someone sent a picture to him in the mail of her ex with the words “u sure?” on the back) and he assumed it was a game she was playing. Why message my mom? I was tempted to call her but whats the point. She said that I’m keeping father and son apart. Not once did I force NC on my H. That was his decision – I told him that while things aren’t the best right now we can work on us C or NC. He chose this but now she’s getting MY family involved. What do I do? I called the police re: restraining order but they said all I can do is file a complaint.

And his parents said don’t bother with the police either – bring the message to court. They said if we get police involved she may turn it around and say he hit her or something.

[This message edited by stillpissed at 5:05 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Your post is a little offensive, since you are basically implying that any of us here are are capable of harming an OC. Also, your daughter is an OW. I do not see what the woman's age has to do with anything, except to illustrate that she is possibly more mature, but honestly accidental pregnancies and quickie weddings are not the actions of mature women, so I feel for both (well, all 3) children involved in this mess.

Please post this information on your post in general, as this board is for those of us who are BSs, directly involved in this situation.

stronger ~ I bet OW in your case is still highly pissed that she was not awarded financial support...so she figures if she can't get the money and can't get your H's interest any longer then she will do what she can to make trouble. I would put in the complaint, each time something like this happens, then there will be more of a case for a restraining order in the future. It would be better though if OW could just take the hint, move on and leave you be. Hopefully your mom has now blocked OW.

P.S. ~ right on with the new signature...I have never cared for that saying

I'm back in a similar boat as OW and FWH are e-mailing again, and she has gone right back to her usual bitchy attitude. The modification hearing she wants hasn't happened yet...it was adjourned to this coming Tuesday. The reason FWH e-mailed her is because she basically forced his hand~ she arranged for OC to be seen by a specialist (non-emergency) and knew that OC's insurance stopped before the evaluation, yet she took him anyway. So we end up receiving a bill for $1500+, and she said she was going to pay it and then get reimbursement from my H. While the support papers say he is responsible for a percentage of unreimbursed medical costs, the legal custody says that neither parent shall seek anything other than routine or emergency medical care without the other parent's knowledge and consent. He told her that we can get the bill paid, and seek reimbursement from her, but she said she "will absolutely not" reimburse the full amount of the bill. She keeps repeating "OC has a bill and it needs to be paid." H and I have 3 kids that require similar evaluations, and we are never billed, it is covered by insurance. So if she decided to have the evaluation done despite having no insurance for OC, shouldn't she pay the cost of the evaluation?

Thanks Sparkle – I know you’re right. She’s actually wasting more court time. She wants to determine access (?????) even though H has said he won’t be exercising his “rights”. We also received an amended application in the mail requesting H and I be responsible for helping pay for OC’s karate, swimming, soccer and hockey as it says in the court docs “Mr. Stronger does not work, however Mrs. Stronger is employed and earns a substantial amount of income. Their household income should be calculate to determine the amount of support for OC as well as expenses for his extra-curricular activities”. I’ve given this all to my lawyer who laughed and asked if OW was a moron. Anyway, I’m not too worried about it. H and I don’t live together anymore (not since a month or so after dday). Her family contacted H and called him a “deadbeat” I wonder which version of the truth OW has really told them.

Also, Sparkle, your OW is a bitch. $1500 without discussing it??? That’s ridiculous and unreasonable. I wonder how these “women” (and I use the term loosely) are so dillusional. They are broken, broken women and it’s sad that they were blessed with children to raise.

So if she decided to have the evaluation done despite having no insurance for OC, shouldn't she pay the cost of the evaluation?

Yes! I wouldn’t take on such a large bill before knowing how it was going to be paid.

*edited because I wrote "stronger" where it shoulda read "sparkle". Oopsy!

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 8:39 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]