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well... though she didn't show/tell you about them, at least she didn't delete them. Just have a conversation with her about it.

I asked her late last night if she has heard from him since the last time I found out they communicated and she said he texted her about 2.5 weeks ago, but she gave him a short text back about how not to txt her again. So she didn't delete the text and she told me when I asked.

It seems she was just worried about upsetting me over this text. I think I rather her text him to STOP texting her and it's over then no response. Now that she has done that, I would expect her to ignore all other extra and communication from him, which I told her last night.

She asked me if I would want her to get a new number. I said that was a good idea to think about

That's a good sign.

The new number makes it a non issue anymore

Seems simple enough but I guess that would mean her FB and e mail has to be changed also or you are playing whack a mole.

If he can't contact her you do not have to worry about it unless she changes that

She can tell him to stop . Doesn't mean he has to listen

It would be even better now that you told her you expected no more responses if she decided to get new number on her own.

You implied it might be good idea. Let's see if she takes the hint.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 11:01 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Not sure it matters, but the fact she was honest about it without knowing you knew the story is a pretty good sign this close to D-Day. Does she talk about the books she is reading at all?

She can tell him to stop . Doesn't mean he has to listen

Then it would be time for IUH to call this guy himself and tell him to stop bothering her or else.

And what if IUH calls the guy and he tells IUH to fuck off.

What does or else mean. IUH goes to Canada to kick his ass.

People change passwords, phone nubers and user names like they change underwear. This is no big dela to make it impossible for him just to contact her for any reason and IUH than has one less thing to worry about as Red Sox said, IF he is still thinking of R.

He had stopped snoping I guess because he was preceeding with D.

More signs pointing consistently in the right direction.

Hey...he is Canadian...maybe he plays in a rec hockey league.

You could find a couple of guys on an opposing team and give them some incentive to drive the guy through the boards.

That's progress IUH.

She needs to realize that it is your decision if the information is worth processing or not. She needs to work on telling you EVERYTHING and let you sort it out. If not, if appears to you that she is hiding something from you.

Good luck!

She asked me if I would want her to get a new number. I said that was a good idea to think about

At least she brought it up, but then it isn't a matter of choice presented to you as a peace offering. It should be her proactive choice to show you she is serious about NC and making things right. Nudge her to the chapters in Not Just Friends about transparency and see if she can finally "get it".

BTW, you're doing great with detachment.

IUH,

I guess the days are counting down. From last week, could not tell where you are leaning.

most think some positive signs. I think she should have by now changed her contact info on her own if she gets it or is starting to.

I still do not believe all this heartache could have been caused by two nights in Mexico, but i guess i am just stubborn. If you R, i hope you do not find out more TT later. Cant see how you possibly believe everything.

Hope you are OK.

She does seem very upset of how she hurt me and has done a lot to show she is remorseful. She is getting a new phone number and deactivated her email/social profiles. I know this doesn't stop her from contacting OP, but at least it stops him from contacting her. She said he doesn't know her work cell number, and I have not seen any contact in that from the beginig, so I believe her with that.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I might tell her I am willing to go to a few MC sessions now and see what that does.

That sounds reasonable. but i am glad you are still being cautious. If you go to MC, i still do not think you can allow the whole conversation to be on why. i think you have to get the mC to press her on convincing her that there is no more TT that can be allowed if she wants any chance to save M.

I wold also keep thinking about why the sudden change once affair ended but not before. That is troubling. It has still only been a couple of week since she was just asking for more time.

She has to be pressed hard on whether or not she meant it when she says she is not sure she wanted to be married to anyone. Because if you R, she is still married to the same man, in the same job, in the same city, and the same situation that she claims she felt trapped in for a year. How is she now untrapped.

IUH, I am sorry. I have followed your thread from the beginning. I still do not believe you have all the facts that you need. I cold be all wrong, but to be honest with you. most of the things I have posted on here to you and others have been correct for the most part.

I just am glad you have not swallowed this hook, line, and sinker. I also think there are too many posting grasping at any straws that she gives you as major positive developments. A week of two does not undo what she did to you for months.

my advice to you is not rooting for R or D. It is rooting for what I think is best for YOU from someone who has no emotional connection to her or you.You have already had too many D Days with her. i personally do not want to see any more and a few books read does not have me 100 % convinced she is a new woman.

Glad you are OK>

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:38 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

If you do go to MC what I would want to dig into is why your WW was dissatisfied before the affair. I would want an explanation why, and why that turned into an affair instead of coming to you to try and fix things.

Frankly for a while she seemed pretty disconnected. It sounds like the fog has lifted, and she is pretty remorseful. I think you can argue in her case remorse set-in faster than most.

BTW - this thread is a textbook example of how to respond to an affair. I wish I had done as well.

Disagree with Red Sox on this one. The fog may be lifting but is it because she loves you or because she is about 45 days from looking for a new home and does not have her boyfriend anymore.

Fog very conveniently lifted. Also don't know how classic this was.

You went though four months of hell and are still not convinced she is for real.

If I was a betting man you are far away from a blissful outcome if you choose to continue.

Some hopeful signs, yes. Classic outcome and handling because for two weeks reading books and apologizing , not hardly

Yes, MC sounds like a good idea. It isn't as much about the OP and no contact as it is establishing a understanding that won't lead her to the same place she was a couple of months ago.

You need to be in a place where you don't worry that she will have an affair tomorrow because you didn't feel like cleaning the toilets last night. Vigilance and surveillance is only a temporary substitute for trust.

She does seem very upset of how she hurt me and has done a lot to show she is remorseful. She is getting a new phone number and deactivated her email/social profiles. I know this doesn't stop her from contacting OP, but at least it stops him from contacting her. She said he doesn't know her work cell number, and I have not seen any contact in that from the beginig, so I believe her with that.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I might tell her I am willing to go to a few MC sessions now and see what that does.

Why did she do it to begin with?

All of this other stuff she's doing for you is nice, but did she ever tell you why she would risk everything for some guy she met on vacation?

The whole thing is just strange. Not just on her end, on the other guy's end, too. Wasn't he pressuring her to leave you for him? Yet he only had met her on vacation? Did you ever get a reason that made any sense?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:13 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

Affairs don't make sense. And I hope nobody truly expects that she's in touch with herself enough to know the why at this point. The real why.

I agree with bad. This isn't real remorse yet. Don't change any plans in response to her words. MC is an ok choice but WS aren't ready for it yet this early on. She needs a substantial amount of time in IC first. She's not well enough yet to not twist MC.

Changing phone number is good, social media stuff good but these are tiny steps that can be back tracked on. She needs to agree with and put into action ALL of your requirements for R. Right now.

Seeing any progress since your last post?

No big updates. I really feel her trying now, which makes me feel good. The big thing now is that after everything that has happened, I'm not sure anymore if I still want to be married to her. When this all started, all I wanted was for it to go away and for us to go back to the way it was. Now, I'm not sure even if she never does anything like this again, if I want to be with her. She threw a lot of hurt my way and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive her.