SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am very sorry. I know how horrible this is for you.

It sounds like you have a handle on the 180. The unfortunate thing is you're going to have to let her go. If not, this will drag on forever and it will do more damage than it already has done.

Since your son already knows...if it were me, I would sit him down and just explain you cannot allow his mom to disrespect you anymore so you are letting her go. Your son is still your son. Nothing between the two of you changes.

If she TRULY returns to reality (gives up om and makes herself accountable for her time etc), then you can reasses (If you wish).

Thanks. Yes, this is truly horrific. I really thought I was going to spend my life with that woman. I invested so much in the relationship and she spit on it with so much venom.

I'm truly heartbroken.

It'd be easier if I could bring myself to hate her. But I can't. Even through all of this, I love her. She is the first and only woman I've ever loved.

You know, the crazy thing is, when I told her on Monday that I filed for divorce, she got sad. She even cried. Then she said, "You know, just because we get divorced doesn't mean we can't get back together someday."

I sat in silence for a few seconds and then said, "WW, life isn't some Lifetime made for TV movie."

I was a little floored. If we go through D, I don't think I'd ever entertain the notion of getting back with her. The only way I ever would would be radical transformation on her part. Genuine repentance, IC for her, MC for the both of us. 100% NC with POSOM. That's never going to happen, on account of her NPD.

Walk away, UAB. Walk away and never look back.

Alright, y'all. Here's the new thread in the D forum: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=562040

I'll stick around here until this thread maxes out. But, there's really not much more going on other than the slow march to D.

It'd be easier if I could bring myself to hate her. But I can't. Even through all of this, I love her. She is the first and only woman I've ever loved.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. You've had a taste of that feeling right after Dday, the way she treated you and put OM on the pedestal. Know that she will feel this from you in the future.

You know, the crazy thing is, when I told her on Monday that I filed for divorce, she got sad. She even cried. Then she said, "You know, just because we get divorced doesn't mean we can't get back together someday."

I sat in silence for a few seconds and then said, "WW, life isn't some Lifetime made for TV movie.

Great response. Yeah, filing for D is like the cable company disconnecting her Lifetime channel.

I was a little floored. If we go through D, I don't think I'd ever entertain the notion of getting back with her. The only way I ever would would be radical transformation on her part. Genuine repentance, IC for her, MC for the both of us. 100% NC with POSOM. That's never going to happen, on account of her NPD.

Well, that would require "Mother Teresa" like effort and personal strength. The real one that is, not the flake OM.

UAB.

I've following your post and lurking. I'm a few months behind you, but appear to be heading in the same direction.

I just wanted to say (for what it's worth) that your post has been helpful. As well the steps you've taken personally.

Good luck as well.

-S

Serious,

Bro, I've been lurking in your thread too. What a fucked up mess. Happy I could help?

You'll make it. So will I. We just gotta keep our heads high and do the best we can.

I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

I'm truly heartbroken.

Even through all of this, I love her. She is the first and only woman I've ever loved.

The only way I ever would would be radical transformation on her part. Genuine repentance, IC for her, MC for the both of us. 100% NC with POSOM. That's never going to happen, on account of her NPD.

Although I think most of the posters on this site would agree with

"that is never going to happen"

and even with the shock and awe strategy that was suggested by most and implemented by you with the hope of knocking her out of the fog, and will most likely not bring her back to her senses.. I am a firm believer of never say never. You have less than sixty days to to see if the shock and awe method works or not.

My wife also suffers from a personality disorder and has the traits of both BDP and NDP - I took the other route of no shock and awe, and although it has been no walk in the park, I have been monitoring her every move for the past 8 months from tracking, to checking all electronics, phone records to VAR's etc etc, and so far everything has been 95% positive, from zero contact with the OM, being where she says she is, and trying, as hard it is with her personality disorder mental illness to be kind, sweet and loving. The other 5% has been mainly unintentional triggering. Unfortunately with the route you took - not that she gave you any other choice, but it is harder for you to monitor any of her activity, and make sure she sticks to her word.

I am not saying I do not have moments where I don't see she shows any remorse or empathy, but when I look at it in the perspective of her being ill, and not knowing any better, it somehow makes me feel sorry for her that she just does not know any better.

She was a typical BDP/NPD wife for 17 years, and the last two years she decide to go off her medication, and between the no meds, and me retreating, being cold to her, no emotional support, she went elsewhere to look for what she was lacking from me - mainly, the emotional support.

With her now back on her meds, and her acceptance of firm boundaries to prevent her from straying again, I guess for me, and being the sympathetic and compassionate person I am, I chose to take a chance with her. So far, as I said it has not been perfect, but I do see some positive light at the end of that tunnel.

You are a lot younger than me, and may not want to deal with a life full of NPD drama, but if she was willing to do the work, and from what I/we have read about her, she would have to have a lot of proving to you, to show she was fully committed to you. There are not many options for treatment of a personality disorder - Dialectical behavior therapy, which requires years of dedication, and, as in my wife's case, there are some medications out there that make them somewhat calmer, and more a little more sympathetic and understanding. Its something only you can decide on whether you would want to deal with.

Its hard to leave someone you love so much, especially your first, and one an only love, but whatever you decide, you sound like you have your head screwed on the right way, and I am sure there are a ton of women out there, just waiting for someone like you. Best of luck to you.

She is learning about consequences.

OM's ego needed stroking when she agreed to end it. But it is highly likely that she went beyond coffee and farewell handshake. How could your marriage come back after that?

WW,

This is tough to write. I feel it best to put my thoughts and feelings in this letter because we both know that writing is my most collected expression.

We're coming up on the end of the road we travel together. There's a fork ahead. On the left, is a path that separates us forever. I the right, a path that keeps us united and takes us to reconciliation, redemption, and renewal.

Presently, we are banking hard to the left. I've filed for divorce, you're continuing an extramarital relationship. Those are just the facts.

We don't have to keep heading left. We can turn to the right. We can work through the ways I've hurt you and let you down. We can work through the ways you've hurt me and betrayed me. It is possible. It's possible to start a new life together. One that's built on trust, love, understanding. Closeness. A life that keeps you, me, and DS a family.

The right is certainly not the easy path. It would be difficult. But it's worth it. We are a family. We need to fight for our family, as hard as we can.

I don't say this lightly. I'm hurt. I've got a gaping wound in my chest, spilling my blood into the street. The street you've left me lying in. I'm wrestling with the torrent of emotion, the brutal pain as I try to remove the knife you plunged into my heart. I can't get the knife out. Every time I try, the pain becomes worse. The bleeding gushes even more. On occasion, you return to twist the knife even more. I don't think you mean to, but you do.

We're married. That's not only a bond of the body and mind, it is a bond of heart and soul.

The closer we get to the left side of the fork, the harder I can feel my soul being ripped from me. I'm not like you, I didn't choose this path. If you can cleanly detach your soul from mine, I envy you. Because mine is hardwired to yours. I don't feel like a person anymore. I feel like an empty shell, lying in this bloody, dirty street. So much of my soul has become entwined with yours, this leaves a gaping hole in me. I'm broken. I'm nothing. I'm empty.

Every step towards the left, I feel the tearing even more. The further you sprint away from me, the less of me there is left. The harder I bleed. The shorter my breath.

Given all this pain, given all of my suffering, I must be nuts. Because I still want to limp my way to the right. Our way to the right. Together.

I can't get up off the crimson stained road because that's going to take your help pulling me to my feet. I can't remove the knife because that's going to take your steady hands to do. I can't stop the bleeding because that's going to take you binding my wound.

I realize you have wounds and knives of your own. I realize you're bleeding too. And I also realize that, even though you don't see or feel it yet, your own soul is damaged by this path we're on. I'm willing to step up. I'm willing to remove the knives I've placed in you. I'm willing to cauterize your wounds. I've got a needle and thread, ready to stitch together our souls.

Search within yourself. Can you find it within yourself to do the same for me? Will you help me up off this cold ground? Will you take the right with me?

I'm not looking to place blame. I'm not looking to beat one another over the head and never forgive. I'm looking to start over. I'm looking to get our souls back. Whatever it takes.

Are you going to leave me lying here or are you going to limp with me to the right?

I can't choose. You have to. I'm on the ground, and I can't move.

It's up to you.

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 2:01 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

UAB -- that's a heartbreaking letter. But before you send it please re-read your original post. Has anything changed since then to indicate your wife is remorseful and wants to save your marriage? And is this truly someone you want to keep in your life?

Only you can answer those questions.

I'm so sorry you are going through this torture.

(((UAB)))

Dude, no, just NO!

NC, NC, NC

If your STBXWW was interested in trying to work this out with you, believe me, she would be trying her damnedest to try to get you back. She is a selfish b*tch (sorry, truth, dude) who goes and gets what she wants.

I am sure you are feeling despair. Promise, it will get better. Maintain NC, please, protect yourself.

Welcome to the rollercoaster UAB... Just take a look at the last 2 weeks fun and games with your WW, and what you said last time you have spoken to her.

The person you are writing to no longer exists, you might as well write a letter to Santa, you'll get the same result.

UAB

I 2nd MollyMoo.

The woman is toxic you need to start over with someone who will be with you and only you.

USB

Writing letters that never get sent can be very therapeutic. I'd implore you to never let that see the light of day.

It'll break no contact, set you back to square 1 healing wise, will not change anything and it'll not only tip over a power balance it'll be nuclear obliterated it.

You are divorcing her because of all of the reasons in this thread. I'm a pro-r guy but your soon tool be ex wife has literally been one of the least repentant I've read about on this site.

"You know, just because we get divorced doesn't mean we can't get back together someday."

UAB,

I got the same line from my XW: "You know, Abbondad, I still believe that we will get back together after the divorce..."

My retort: "I gotta tell you, if we divorce, I'm moving on."

Her response, incredibly, as tears squirted out of her eyes: "Well, then I'm moving on too!"

You can't make this shit up. UAB, it's a script, down to every damn line. I know you are sad--so was I and so am I--but especially with these personality-disordered types, there is no "real her." Basic logic and empirical reality find their way into their worlds only sporadically. Theirs is a world of such childish entitlement that I believe it would stagger us were we able to live in their heads for one day. Lines from your STBX and from mine are culled from TV shows and romance novels: they live in a world of contrived dialogue, fantasy love, masks and denial.

But we loved them, true. So there is sadness, sorrow, loss and grief. I'm sorry you are in pain.

PS: Please do NOT send that letter. For so many reasons, don't.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 5:49 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

Wife told you every weekend, "goodbye, I'm going to OM's weekend to sleep with him Saturday night and then go to church Sunday morning. I'll be back Sunday night." Extremely cruel, no matter what you did, and you did nothing out of the normal. The only thing more cruel than that would have been is if she had OM come to have sex in your own house every weekend. Your entire marriage was only OK as long as you subjugated your will to your wife.

Please think about how your marriage was, and how your wife acted throughout, and especially in the affair.

Do what you need to do. Send the letter, don't send the letter, it won't make much difference. Your wife is "in love" with the other man. She will not give him up, not right now. The only way your wife will be done with OM is after she lives with him for at least a few months, then she will find out why OM has been divorced three times. See, OM is good at getting women to get married, she is not so great as actually being a husband. When your wife is done with OM, she will come back to ask for you, whether or not you send the letter now. If your wife doesn't cheat on OM to exit affair the same way was done to you.

I'm sorry you miss her so bad. I know you had a life with her, I know you have a void, mentally, spiritually, and physically. But it will not be repaired the way you are thinking it will be repaired. She is not capable of it. The cruel way she kept you sitting around while she had sex with another man shows to me that she has something missing inside of her.

That said, this is your life. If you feel you need to do this, go ahead. Find for yourself. Use this as a lesson for your next relationship.

Please, please, please don't send that letter. Read page 40 - on this thread. You already did a talk that was very similar to that letter and all you got was blame, anger and disgust. Her reply was horrible for me to read I can't imagine how much it set you back.

Bigger once wrote this great analogy (about a guy that kept getting kicked in the balls) reply back to a guy that asked the question "why won't she give me a clear answer if she wants me back or not". To all that read his thread it was obvious that he WW would give him a tib bit that shes still cared but lower the boom each time he threw his heart and soul at her asking if they could work things out. She liked enjoyed the begging and knowing that she still had that power but she seemed to enjoy "kicking him in the balls too."

I think you will get a letter like the one on page 40 but even if she wrote back that -- "Sure, if YOU change, maybe we could work this out"... that's what your life would be like. Blame for the way YOU treated her, no remorse, and a kick to the balls now and then to keep you in line.

Please, please, please don't send the letter. I know you see it as your closer, your last chance to save the marriage.. but you already did that (pg 40) she knows she could save it. She needs to send a letter like that for you to consider anything.

The letter shows the growth YOU'VE made. Because you just exposed your vulnerability.

It is beautiful and heartbreaking.

It is a reflection of YOUR feelings, YOUR dreams of having a soul mate. I am sure it's just a letter of self expression, and you realistically know she will not "get it." But, your soul still cries out for its mate.

I know no one needs to tell you, "she ain't it, dude." But, that's what dreams are for. Keep growing as the man you've become....

UAB,

don't send that !!!!

I will third Molly Moo's sentiments.

Look, in that letter, you equate her actions to yours. There is no equating what she did. She did the most evil thing one could do in any relationship. You did nothing. So your shared 'guilt' stuff puts her higher on the pedestal and justifies her actions in her own mind.

You are drifting closer to the co-dependency that I thought you initially had before you started tot ake decisive action. Your mind and heart are all over the place again.

Remain NC, push towards divorce and if there is some dramatic action that she takes to prove to you something, like coming back to your doorstep dressed as a nun with a rose in her teeth begging for forgiveness, then get divorced. As Molly said, the greedy cakeeater you married is dead. You may as well be writing to Santa

U&B,

I am extremely in favor of reconciling, and I know am not there to see what is actually going on, but from how you described your wife, and the the way she let you know she was just going to her lover for the weekend, without any remorse, I would not send her that letter.

If you think she is treating you bad now, she will treat you worse after she gets that letter. That letter shows that you are crawling back to her after she has stuck a knife through your heart and pulled it out the other side.

If anyone has apologizing to do and begging for forgiveness, it's her. I would not do it, at least not now...