Hey guys, I'm new here. Never thought I'd find myself here. Here's my story...
My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 11. We have our son (my stepson, but I've always thought of him as my own. His bio dad is worthless trash that's not in his life.) Our son graduates from High School next month. Crazy.
Anyway, it's been 11 really good years. Of course, I'm not delusional, we've had rough patches, fights and everything you'd expect. But we have been deeply, madly in love for 11 years. Until now...
On March 8, my wife went out of town to attend a company training class for her job. While there, she made friends with a couple of the other people. One in particular, she really buddied up to.
She came home and told me about the class, about her new friends and that one of them lives in a little town about 2 hours away from where we live. A town that last year, we went on a mini-vacation for our anniversary getaway. It's small, only about 3,000 people and beautiful. Peaceful. We've talked since visiting about moving there when the kiddo moves out and goes to college. She excitedly told me that the new friend from that town had seen her in action and offered to transfer her to his agency. It was our big chance to move down there, like we'd been dreaming of. I liked the idea, but of course, I was a little nervous that the guy offered a complete stranger something like that after attending a training class...
A couple of weeks later, she was supposed to go down there to interview with the guy's business partner. She was supposed to interview and then do a day working in the office to show them what she's made of. I booked a hotel room for her, she went by herself. No reason that she shouldn't...
The hotel, when she got there, was nothing like it looked online. It was dirty and didn't make her feel safe. She called me, told me that she was going to stay with the business partner and his wife and kids. They have a guest bedroom.
I didn't think anything of it. She came back, said the interview was great...
I could tell something was off. When I hugged her after she came home, she didn't really embrace me. I kissed her and told her I miss her so much, did she miss me? Her reply was a shrug and, "Kinda."
I took a step back and asked what she means. She invited me to go to the store with her to talk about it where our son couldn't hear.
She told me that while she was away, both at her class and on this trip, she'd been doing a lot of thinking and she feels like we need to separate for 6 months. That she feels like she's trying to find herself and work out some things and that it'd be a good opportunity for us to get some space and work on ourselves to be even better for each other.
I was hurt. Shocked. My wife and I are super close. Things have been GOOD. We're best friends. And that's not delusion, we've had trials. But we always talked every day, made time for each other. Told each other we loved each other multiple times a day. Snuggled on the couch. Sex life was rocking... I felt so surprised.
I tried to get her to talk about it, she didn't want to elaborate. She just said she's thinking she'll take that job, move down there and then in 6 months, I can join her.
I freaked out. I called my pastor, I asked for his advice. Of course, he didn't think it as a good idea. We had a counseling session with him and his wife together over dinner one night. I felt good after it. Like maybe that future she proposed could be avoided.
She got an official job offer from the office down there. She said they needed help getting a new computer system going and that she was going to go down there every weekend for a few weeks to help them set it up and get all their records up to date.
The weekend she started doing that, she was supposed to stay at the business partner's family home again. I didn't feel quite right about anything, but she ignored me and went down there. I spent the whole weekend wondering if she was really where she said she was or doing what she claimed.
I hopped on her Facebook profile, found the new friend's profile and started looking at what he said he was doing that weekend. Then I looked at the business partner's profile and looked at what he said he was doing. (People always put mundane crap they do daily on FB. I'll never understand it.)
When my wife returned, she came back all happy and energetic. She said she thinks she's going to love working there. She said the business partner and his wife were really nice and she enjoyed hanging out with them. I asked her what they did for fun that weekend. The things she told me she did with them were the things the new friend did, not the business partner.
She also showed me that "the office" had given her a new cell phone. Locked with a PIN. I asked why she needed that. She said, "Oh, you know. For work. I don't get good cell reception down there with our carrier. They said this one should work better."
I pointed out that she didn't need it up here if that were the case. She just said, "Well, and they can call me on it if they need me to do some work remotely from home."
I pointed out that they've been calling her on her personal cell phone just fine and that doesn't make sense. She just said, "Oh."
At that point, I told her I knew she stayed with the new friend and not with the business partner's family. And I told her the phone is going back and we need to have a serious discussion about what's going on.
She claimed there's nothing going on. She didn't mean to stay at the new friend's house. She stayed with the partner the first time but then the second time, the partner backed out of the arrangement. Since she didn't have a hotel room, she didn't know where else to stay. She's sorry she lied.
I told her I forgive her, but I'm not comfortable with this and I don't want her to take the job or be friends with the guy. I felt like he wanted to be with her. She told me she'd tell him and give him his phone back. I told her to let me hear her call him and we'll fedex the phone to him.
She declined and drove the phone to him. Then she came back and said she's still taking the job and the separation is still on.
By now it was April. I spent Easter weekend wondering what she was up to down there again. I'd booked her hotel room myself, a better hotel. That Friday night, she called me at about 8 to tell me that she was going to go to the local bar with some friends from work in a group and listen to some live music. She also told me she's calling now because she is planning on drinking and might be too drunk to check in later.
I was appalled. My wife doesn't drink. At least, much. Maybe a glass of wine every now and then. But openly telling me she'll be drunk?! Not to mention, since January she's been on Prozac and I reminded her you're not supposed to drink heavily on that. She said she'd be careful.
Later that night, she drunk texted me gibberish at 11. I asked her to please let me know that she gets back to her hotel okay. I was worried about her. No reply. I text again at Midnight. 1... 2... I call. Nothing. At 3am, I decided to get in the car and drive down there. It's only 2 hours away.
Went to the hotel. Her car isn't there. I went to the office, thought maybe she got a ride after work. Not there. I went to the bar, I knew right where it was. Her car wasn't there. At this point, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I used White Pages on my phone to look up her friend's home address.
Her car was in his drive way. I was stunned. I sat in silence down the street, just watching the house from a diner's parking lot. I sat there from 5:30am to about 9am. Finally, at 9, she came out of his house alone and she drove off in the direction of her hotel room.
I followed her. Confronted her in the hotel room. She told me she didn't pack shampoo and so she just went over there to borrow some. I told her I'd been in town all night, so try again. She said she'd gotten so drunk that she passed out in the lady's room in the bar. When she passed out, she hit her head on the sink (she DID have a big red knot on her forehead.) She said her friend carried her home and put her in his guest room. Nothing happened.
I didn't believe it. Not completely. I gave her a little benefit of the doubt, but it didn't smell right. I told her to come with me to the ER because I thought the head bump looks bad. We went, I took her home.
I told her that she's behaving in ways that are the polar opposite of her personality. I wondered aloud to her if the Prozac was doing something that was screwing with her thoughts. She took offense to that, said I'm telling her she's crazy. Got really mad.
Look, my wife, the sweetest, most honest person I know was suddenly staying in another man's house, lying about it and drinking hard. Oh, and when we entered the hotel room, I noticed that she'd gone out partying without her wedding band on.
I backed down, just told her I'm worried about her and I think she should check in with her Dr. She reluctantly agreed. That never happened.
Instead, she started telling friends and family that she's afraid of me and that I'm trying to have her committed.
Also at this point, she told me again, she's taking that job, she's still going to be friends with this guy and then she threw in "and you're not going to put any monitoring stuff on my phone." I'd asked her a million times to come clean about what's going on, that I didn't feel like she's being honest about anything. I gave her a million chances.
Well, challenge accepted. One night, as she slept, I put an app on her phone that recorded calls and sent me her text messages.
I remember D-Day well. The day I had my proof. Friday, April 10. I got in to work, closed my office door and listened to my first recorded call. My wife had made it to him. On her way to work. She used to call me every day on her way to and from work. Now she's calling him. I played that call and my world shattered.
She said good morning and you could hear the googly eyes. She was flirty, told him what she's wearing. Talked about how cute and hot she looks. She made a joke about how she thinks a guy in her office is secretly gay. Then she told him, "well I KNOW for a FACT you're not gay!" Sounds to me like he showed her exactly how not gay he is.
I left work. I couldn't function. I spent the day crying and screaming at myself, at God. Later in the day, she made a call to him on her way home. When I listened to that one, she told him how sexy he is and how she can't wait to see him again that weekend. I threw up. I couldn't take it.
The worst part about that night was that I had to attend a party for her office with her and my son. I sat through the party in a daze, trying to act normal. I almost had a panic attack. Finally, we got home. I arranged for some friends to take my son out for coffee. That way we can have some privacy.
I told her I knew she's having an affair with her friend. She denied. I told her I have evidence. She denied. She insisted they're just friends. Finally, I couldn't take the lying any more, so I played the recordings. Made her listen to her own voice. She flew off the handle, got livid. I broke her trust, I didn't respect her privacy. I fired back, telling her SHE broke MY trust, she violated our marriage. How far has this gone?!
She insisted it was just emotional. They've never done anything physical. I told her it ends now. Break it off, we're getting counseling. She said okay... but then she kept calling him. Told him what I had found out. She factory reset her phone and locked it with a PIN.
A lot has gone on in the weeks since. My story is long enough as it is. I'll just give you the major highlights...
She's still going down there. Even though I called the business partner, told him what's goin on in his office and got the OM fired (and her job offer recinded.) And yes, you read that right. The OM misrepresented himself to her - he's not a partner, he just worked there. So, because of all this and the misrepresentation, he was fired. It doesn't bother him, he's retired military with a good pension. She's openly sleeping in his home when she's there.
Furthermore, she's told me she doesn't love me. That she hasn't for a long time. But she gushed to me about how she loves the OM. Deeply. It's a love like she's never known. They're so connected. He's her companion. And he loves her. And he's the kindest, most supportive man. Just the best. She actually compared him to MOTHER TERESA!!
She finally admitted that they've been having sex. A LOT of sex. I asked if they are at least using protection. She said, "we're being careful." That sounds like a no to me...
She has told me that he's asked her to move in with him. She hasn't given him an answer yet. But, she's got moments of looking like she maybe wants to work on things... but then she talks to him or sees him and it all goes to hell.
I've been trying to not seem needy or plead. I've tried to reason with her. Pointed out how this afects not just us, but her son. I'm his dad and he's watching her destroy me. Not to mention, because he knows what's going on, she's lost all credibility with him.
Last night, after taking a walk with me and actually having a pretty good talk (I thought) she went in our bedroom, closed the door and called the OM. Next thing I know, she unlists me as her husband on Facebook and she unfriended me. I'm crushed, yet again.
She told me during our talk last night that before the prozac, she loved me but her depression and anxiety were unbearable. And now, she kinda blames that state on me. And she said after she started the Prozac, she felt indifferent to me. She figured "I'll just fake it till I make it. It'll return." Then she met the OM.
She never gave me indications. She didn't seem unhappy. We were close, we spent lots of time together. She was my best friend. And now, my bnest friend has torn out my heart, ripped it to shreds and set it on fire and stomped on it and I can do nothing but stare in horror. I don't know if the meds are a contributor or if she's just in the affair fog and justifying what she's feeling and doing.
But I'm crushed. And beyond hurt. I feel like she died in that little town and the worst part is, her shell is still walking around tormenting me. I can't even look at her. She was the kindest, sweetest and most honest and loving woman I've ever met. And now, I don't recognize her at all.
I've just stumbled across this site and the 180 technique. I'm going I'm going to give it a try. I already have. I haven't mentioned the Facebook changes to her. I'm pretending not to notice. She's already curious. She asked me why I was so quiet this morning. I told her I'm fine, ate my breakfast and worked out. Went about my morning just fine. Not cold, but not following her around and giving her all my attention.
So what do y'all think? Any advice? Input? Anyone wanna help me analyze? Should I analyze? Should I keep trying or let her go? I can forgive her. I want to make this work. But she's giving me NOTHING to work with.
I'm so hurt. Beyond words. I can't get this knife out of my chest and every time I get my hopes up, she just twists it and pushes it deeper.
