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Just Found Out :
Help please, I found him on Ashley Madison

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 inmisery1 (original poster member #30905) posted at 8:41 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

I just found my husband pic on Ashley Madison, I'm trying to hold it together. I started shaking like a leaf when I saw him. He says he wants to R, I sent him a message using a fake profile to see if I get a reply. I'm trying to keep from exploding. If he replies, I'll set a date to meet him. Surprise! If he doesn't answer, maybe he means it this time.

posts: 338   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2011
id 6571559

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 8:45 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

There's nothing good about him being on there. There's not a question you could put to him that you can't answer yourself.

If you go ahead with the sting operation, be prepared for this EXACT response:

"I knew it was you. I was testing you to see if you were spying on me. You're the one with the problem."

He's showing you who he is. I'm so sorry. What do you think you are going to do about this when you confront?

Sending hugs and strength.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6571563

Brandon808 ( member #35619) posted at 8:47 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

Sorry you're going through this. Please, please talk to a lawyer asap. Take screen shots of his profile. Protect yourself first.

posts: 4634   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2012
id 6571565

painfulpast ( member #41038) posted at 8:52 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

I think there's a way to see when someone joined that site, if I remember.

And Jrazz is so right - that's EXACTLY what you'll hear. So, if he answers, send a friend that he doesn't know in to be 'the date' at first, just to see how he responds, and THEN walk out. He'll still say it, but it will mean nothing and you'll both know it.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

posts: 2249   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2013   ·   location: East Coast
id 6571575

 inmisery1 (original poster member #30905) posted at 8:55 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

You're right, might as well confront now

posts: 338   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2011
id 6571584

Tred ( member #34086) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

I'm so sorry to hear that. Jrazz is right. If he has an AM account, that means he probably has at least one secret e-mail account.

Married: 25 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5852   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 6571591

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:38 AM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

I would skip meeting up get your screen shots and head directly to an attorney. He is not on there just for fun, or cause he's bored. Time to protect yourself and get tough. Any reason for this is just a lame excuse. He is someplace he has no business being.

You deserve much much more. Time to demand it.

(((and strength )))

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19887   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6571963

seriouslylostit ( member #23987) posted at 1:42 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

What you do is set up a fake account and with the fake account just say "oh wow I know you .... You're (name) and I'm going to tell your wife"

He is bold to put his picture on there and that's what he gets.

Then claim this person printed out for you. If he presses hard on who it is, claim somebody from his work. Let him think his work thinks he's a whore.

posts: 845   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2009
id 6572219

seriouslylostit ( member #23987) posted at 1:53 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

WARNING - when I was investigating on AM looking for my now Ex, I came across a guy with his picture and got curious and asked wtf? He said he would say that a friend put him on there as a joke if discovered!

posts: 845   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2009
id 6572226

KatieG ( member #41222) posted at 2:00 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

OMG, I bet you're shaking now, I know that feeling!

I wish I had the presence of mind to engineer a meeting or catch him out. If you can calm down and think straight you can find out more.

When I was in TT I stupidly created a profile on AM and then when we had DD I told my WBF. He was curious and set up an account too. I found him and sent him a message - of course by that time he knew it was me. He couldn't message me back without paying a fee, I managed to do it for free. So if he replies he has paid money.

You could keep the dialogue going to get more information about his motivation. All that takes strength I know.

[This message edited by KatieG at 8:01 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

DD#1 - Oct 13

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis

posts: 822   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2013
id 6572232

steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 2:12 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

I found the same thing when WH was in his EA fog... he claimed he was bored, and just using it for the "spank bank". From experience, I know that it very well may start that way... but trust me, the fog gets thicker, and they get bolder.I swept it under the rug... now I am sitting two weeks out from Dday#2, kicking myself for it.

I also like the idea of saying "Hey, I know you!" Put the fear of God in him. I changed my WH's profile... (he was logged in when I found it, save password and all...) It said, "I'm a selfish asshole who only cares about himself, looking to get laid. But you should know my wife is a crazy fucking internet ninja with FBI skills that WILL find you." Not that it worked. He just got mad at me for snooping... stupid fog... I hate that he had to hit rock bottom to clear it. (also.. pardon my's laden with profanity...)

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:19 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

posts: 2303   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Kentucky
id 6572243

realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 2:17 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

What is your plan when you confront? I ask because so many times a BS rushes in and gets no answers or lame answers like the above.

You need a plan? What are you going to do if he is still betraying you? Are you just going to confront and cross your fingers and hope he spills....what? What are your drop dead deal breakers?

I say lay low, keep digging. This lets you find more dirt and it also gives you time to get a plan together.

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6939   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 6572250

hurtsobadinside ( member #35308) posted at 2:40 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2013

inmisery1 ....I am soo sorry for the emotional pain you are going through...I send you strength and hugs to get thru this.

My recommendation is for you to install

a "key-logger" on your home computer (assuming thats the computer he is using)

you will get screen shots and know every sign-on name and password he uses in any email account he has and the entire content of what he types etc.

again...sending you strength..... i know our pain

me: 58-FS

her WW- 57

7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss

one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB

married 26 yrs

in "R"

and its been roller-coaster

D-day 3-13-12

confronted 6 wks later (didnt know what i was going to do?)

I contacted AP's faithful wife who knew nothing, we stayed in contact to monitor their every move.

Broke NC multiple times, final NC July 2012.

Fog, denial, blame shifting, issue avoidance,rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly

its a long road....and painful

posts: 163   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Illinois
id 6572276

tryingagain74 ( member #33698) posted at 5:37 AM on Sunday, November 24th, 2013

AM is where my ex found his AP.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother with espionage. When a person joins AM, I don't care WHAT excuse he/she gives-- that person has joined a site where he/she has made the DELIBERATE choice to cheat. I'm not trying to compare pain here or say that one way is worse than another, but it's just not quite the same thing as spending time with a co-worker and letting inappropriate feelings evolve. It's a person not being around anyone else where there is cheating potential and coldly DECIDING, "I think I'm going to have an A. I just need to go somewhere that guarantees a partner."

If I were you, I'd print out his profile and then give a copy to him when you serve him with D papers. He clearly isn't taking R seriously, or he would never have put up a profile or left a profile up there. I think it's time you showed him some consequences.

I'm sorry that you've joined our special subset of BSs that can thank AM for helping to facilitate the A.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

posts: 4079   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011
id 6572831

Getting to Happy ( member #35200) posted at 11:35 PM on Sunday, November 24th, 2013


I hope your doing okay today.

Wishing you peace and clarity in the days ahead.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2012   ·   location: La La Land
id 6573354
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