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Reconciliation :
Cautiously Pondering

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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 7:12 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2017

Hi all. Newbie to this forum. It sucks that I'm here, but I like the atmosphere here compared to other forums.

D-day for me was a week ago. I had sinking suspicions of something going on with my FWW about 3 weeks prior. And over time I sensed that at the very least an EA was happening and headed towards a possible PA.

When I say D-day, I refer to the date that I found out that my FWW was with the OM. She told me before she left that she was going out with her female coworkers. But thanks to some sneaky surveillance techniques I had evidence that she lied. And I heard conversations from that night. Over the course of a few days, trickle truth revealed that they had sex that night. So I'm not sure which D-day is the real one. The day I had my first suspicions or the day I knew it had become a PA.

Not sure if it matters.

We'd have to go back 3 years to understand the setup to the PA. My wife checked out after a major depressive episode. She took her wedding rings off, gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, emotionally checked out and kept on walking. Over the course of 3 years, though, things did get better and just last year I could sense her warming up to the idea of coming back to the marriage.

Then she met her coworker. And about 5 weeks ago they started spending more time together. I could sense what was coming and I confronted her about it. She denied that it was nothing more than platonic. I told her that I could predict the timeline of how their “friendship” would unfold. Much to my dismay, I was exactly right, almost to the very day.

She obviously found a real friend in this guy. And she told me the reason she liked him so much is because he reminded her of me when she and I first fell in love. Musician, similar tastes in music, same disposition and character.

The course of events over the last 7 days has been crazy.

Sunday morning I have concrete evidence of the A. I wake her up at 3:30 confront her about it and storm out of the house. Later Sunday we talk deeply, holding hands, about each other’s hurt. She expresses deep sorrow and remorse and I start expressing real signs of finally wanting D.

Monday I go to IC.

Tuesday, she goes to IC.

Tuesday night we go to MC. Right after MC, I tell her that I’m truly ready to D. I tell her, “look if you still have no feelings for me, and we’re not working at trying to fix this, then what’s the point? Hang around for 6 more years of THIS just to for the kids? I can’t do this anymore.” She becomes more nervous and we sit and talk for about 3 hours in our car holding hands. We talk about the wreckage to come and we talk about the good times...blah, blah, blah.

Wednesday, I come home and see her visibly shaken...obviously crying all day. I’m numb at with relief at this point because I truly was ready to call it quits. I held on long enough. I did all that I possibly could for 3 years.

She pulls me inside the bedroom and starts bawling and says she wants to try and fix the marriage. She wants to commit to the process. She said I could have her phone whenever I wanted and swore NC with OM. She’d do whatever I needed. I sat and stared at her for a long time and kept asking in a hundred different intonations “Is this real?” Later she texts the OM the standard NC letter, lets me read it, sends it, blocks the number, and deletes the contact.

Thursday we both go to group meetings and I start to ask question regarding the A. Mind you on Sunday she swore nothing happened. I sensed she was withholding and over the course of the next few days the full truth came out. PA. The night I caught them was the final culmination.

Later that evening she said she didn’t want to share any more details and wanted to just move on.

Friday, while at work I send her a couple of articles one of which contained a letter written by a husband to his WW explaining why he needed to know the details. It was beautifully written and perfectly encapsulated how I was feeling. Why I needed to know. When I got home she said she’s ready to tell me everything. She said she felt scared and wanted to vomit but knew it was what I needed. And she proceeded to tell me every detail as to the timeline of the relationship and what happened at every stage. It was brutal sitting through that. I had to stop her a few times saying “Whoa, whoa! Warn me when you’re about to tell me something like that!” Mostly there was kissing and hand holding. They had sex once, very awkwardly, ending abruptly. That was on the night that I caught her. One week ago.

Early Saturday (yesterday) I WRITE THE OM A LETTER. Yeah, you read that right. I feel like I know this guy in a real way. I’ve heard his voice, I’m privy to their conversations. I get why she liked him. In my letter I tell him that I feel for him, being the other guy. I tell him about my love for my wife and why we have to give this one more shot. I tell him I hate him for what he did but that I was somehow grateful for him waking my wife up to feelings that she had for me but bottled up for the last 3 years. Then I wished him well.

THEN THE OM WRITES ME BACK. Yeah. Pretty much just as long of a letter. Apologizing for causing hurt to me and my family. He lead himself to believe the marriage was over but made no excuses for his wrongful actions. He tells me that based on the tone of my letter and how my wife speaks about me that I’m a good man and truly wishes us success and happiness in our marriage. He even recommended a book that he thought may help to repair and strengthen our marriage. He wished me well and hoped that healing comes swiftly.

30 minutes later I ALLOW MY WIFE TO CALL OM AND SAY GOODBYE. Yeah, I even gave her the number. I wrote it down in order to check against phone records. Me knowing who she is, she needed closure to be able to finally pull the plug on their friendship, I let her. I sit right next to her as she calls him. I can hear him crying the entire time. She tells him sorry, wishes him safety on his upcoming journey West. He asks if he could maybe say goodbye in person once before he leaves. She says no and finally bids him goodbye.

About an hour later at Costco, she finds the book he recommended to me. It was the only copy in the store. Sitting right on top where she happened to walk by.

Then at church a few hours later, the whole sermon centered around healing and forgiveness and moving forward with love. We looked at each other and whispered “what’s going on?”

I’m being EXTREMELY cautious. I keep thinking “is this real or ruse?” I’ve told her directly why I can’t believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I said at any time I may just call it quits. And she knows that the burden lies solely on her to regain my trust. She said she’ll give me anything I need. So far, she’s been doing all of the right actions and saying all of the right things. She’s even taped pieces of paper with my name on them all over the house as a constant reminder.

The woman that left me 3 years ago is clearly back. For 3 years she was cold and distant - aside from her warming up period at the halfway portion of last year. She even wears her wedding rings again. But it came at a brutal cost. I’m not sure if I can do this. I’ve taken 3 years of hits hoping for R. Getting it this way is not how I pictured it.

From what I’ve read here, the road ahead is very long. I’m not sure I can stomach it.

BTW, we’ve been married 17 years. Have 3 kids, 17, 16, and 11.

D-day (the worst one) was 2-19-17

[This message edited by squid at 7:56 AM, February 27th (Monday)]

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 7796372
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strugglebus ( member #55656) posted at 7:50 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2017

I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found this resource. Check out the Healing Library, there is a lot there that you may find helpful.

I am so glad you and your wife are both getting IC. I know that I would be much worse off without my therapist. Caution is the best way forward. I am rooting for you!

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2547   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
id 7796396
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Sad1015 ( member #56893) posted at 9:47 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2017

Greetings. It's nice to have you here but not nice of the circumstances. It sounds like things are moving in the right direction for R. I suppose as the days go by you will get a felling of how much you want to be in the relationship.

I also believe in those life "coincidences". So many of them happened to me. When I first found out about Dday, I lost so much weight. I was meeting a friend for lunch who listened to me sob. We were sitting next to a window and my friend says, look, that lady just found a ring on the sidewalk - it sparkles.

I look down and it was my engagement ring! I ran after the woman and told her it was mine -

-it had come all the way from India where he proposed at the Taj Mahal. Of course she gave it back. But if my fired hadn't looked up at that exact time....

We were also in church last week when the Priest spoke about adultery and forgiveness. It was like he wrote the sermon for us.

Sometimes I wonder if a higher power is leading me in the right direction or I am wishing. Either way, I wish you the best. Keep looking for the clues and hopefully your heart will know what to do. sending Hugs

BS (me) 52
WH 53
Married 20 years
Day 10/15/16
Separated/planning to D
4 beautiful children who did not deserve to have infidelity as part of their lives!

posts: 219   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2017
id 7796457
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NewLife1973 ( member #47316) posted at 9:56 PM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

Sounds like she had her fun and is now ready to settle down. Be careful I went thru this several times with my exwife. It was still all about her and it was false R. Be prepared to leave still you may find out that you were plan b. Good luck I hope it all works out for you.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2015
id 7798117
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