Newest Member: loyaltylost

I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 38

Topic is Sleeping.
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Jesusismyanchor ( member #58708) posted at 6:16 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

Do y'all think LTA's take longer to heal from? When I hear 2 years I'm like ya right. I am knocking on 11 months out from Dday and feel that is way too short . I also hear 2-5 years. I think this sounds more realistic to me.

I was on another thread where most posters were saying length doesn't matter etc. I think it does for me. Years of betrayal. I think it matters.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future

posts: 2686   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8025185
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Jesusismyanchor ( member #58708) posted at 6:22 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

(((Can't sleep)))

So sorry you are here.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future

posts: 2686   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8025187
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:01 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

I do think it takes a longer time, Jesusismyanchor. I hear the 2 to 5 year timeframe quoted which, I believe, is speaking of all types of infidelity. I jokingly say I'm on the 6 year plan. The other thing is that I believe healing can't really start until one is out of the trauma. That could be true R or the decision to S/D. I have no idea where the BS doesn't even have a choice, closure, information as in when the WS just leaves. I also believe that some will never heal.

I hope I'm on a healing path but sometimes I wonder. I'm four years out from DDays 1 and 2. I know I'm in a much different place than I was 2 years ago. However, it was pretty evident to me even with all the hopium I was smoking that the possibility of R wasn't going to happen. My WW and I separated in September. I think I've made more progress since then than the previous 2 years.

I don't know now what my timeframe will be. I'm attending Divorce Care. That helps. I attended 2 different BAN support groups and they helped. I've gone to IC which helped. All of this is 1.5 to 2 hours away from my ranch. After Divorce Care I'm going to go get some more IC working specifically on PTSD.

I don't know the timeframe. I'm not checking days off on the calendar. My body, mind and soul will tell me. What I do believe is there will be a lasting effect of the betrayal on me. I don't think that means I won't heal. I think it means I will be different and maybe even value and appreciate some things more.

Go with God.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8025264
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Stillcoping71 ( member #51661) posted at 1:34 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

Jesusismyanchor.... oh the dreaded inability to sleep. Happens to me on a regular basis too.

I'm 2 years from DDay. I do think recovery from LTA is harder than the knowledge of a WH having a ONS. I'm not at all saying a ONS isn't a horrible betrayal. I am saying however that I do believe in my heart that a ONE would be easier for ME to grasp and get through. These LTA span a much deeper level in that as others have said, there's no real "affair season". Yes, certain months may be more painful but knowing that my WH fooled me for years, that's still unbelievable to me. I really do hope we come out on the other side of this but I think it takes much longer for LTA. Some days I feel it's possible. Some days hurt more than others and I question everything.

Married 13 years
Second marriage for both of us
LTA- 3 1/2 years
D-day- 10/2015
Me: 45
WS: 51
5 kids

posts: 258   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2016
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donna3 ( member #44976) posted at 5:43 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

JIMA: I can only speak for LTA, but at 4 years out I am only now beginning to see some happiness within me. I know that may be discouraging but while I had good days after year 2, the bad days seemed to just drag me down. I don't thing I will ever fully "recover" from this LTA business but it does get manageable. The fact that my H could over and over for years betray me is something I will just never understand nor get over.

My H works overtime to right the wrong. that is what keeps me sane. We still talk about things and I still have questions. He of course would rather never speak of it again, but he does talk when I need it occasionally. I guess the best thing is, whenever you are ready and it could take YEARS, is to just let the past go. But absolutely not until you have worked thru it all.

Sorry, can'tsleep. I know, when you are married to someone for so long it is so very hard to find out that they are not the person you thought they were. LTA, combined with so many years together makes for a long recovery. take care of yourself first and foremost. Maybe a sleep aid to make it thru the night? I know about pictures: I saw many from facebook and emails but nothing graphic like you are describing. That is just cruel and feeds into mind movies. Please get help - others here have had some treatments to help eleviate the mind movies. EMDR I believe it is called.

yes, I believe that LTA is so much worse to recover from than a short fling. both are horrible but we know that the LTA probably would still be going on had they not been caught. It just became a way of life for them. My H told me just last night that he knew it should be over, knew he needed to break it off, he just did not have the balls to do it. Didn't want to hurt her. No matter that he had been hurting me all along. I will never understand his thinking. He now says either does he.

Healing,in R
Married 39 years now, grown children
DD: 11/14/13,EA PA,TT
DD2: 9/12/14 found out LTPA of 2.5 yrs
Age 62 Yikes!

posts: 649   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2014   ·   location: Ohio
id 8025479
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amanda123 ( member #43207) posted at 8:01 PM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

Can'tsleep, its devastating to find out that kind of news. Pretty much makes you feel like that part of your life was an entire lie.

If no one has directed you to the healing library top left hand corner in the yellow box to do some reading. You may have some of your questions answered.

This is a wonderful forum, with great people who are unfortunately in similar situations from all over the world. Keep posting we are all here for each other.

Jesusismyanchor betrayal as you know is pretty damned hurtful even if its a ONS. Im pretty sure having that ONS multiplied by a 100 or even a 1000 times would have a more profound affect on a BS and therefor take much longer to heal. I dont like to put a time span of how long it will take to heal as each of us is different and we handle things differently.

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id 8025611
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Jesusismyanchor ( member #58708) posted at 6:12 AM on Friday, November 17th, 2017

Well....my H gave me the gift of both ONS and LTA so ya. I get to know both and the LTA is harder. I focus on it way more. I just don't comment on other threads to avoid belittling anyone else's pain I guess. It is all hard. My true M history isn't even on a profile. It just feels too bad to share I guess. But I feel that I can share here. Here goes.....deep breath.

I did not know any is this until Dec 28th with trickle truth and full disclosure on March 2017 I knew it all. We were married 15 years. 3 kids. No missing time or major red flags. I was completely and utterly blidsided. I suffered trauma, have battled depression and PTSD. I feel better actually to know the healing can be slow because mine is for sure even though we have come a long way. With years of betrayal I just think it makes a difference in processing and healing.

3 years into M he had a COW ONS on a business trip. Then he had a bj from a subordinate at work. I was pregnant. We had our first. He was upset with himself and wanted to do better. He had no acting out for about 10 years. Then, a female subordinate at this new job came onto him on another business trip and they started an LTA that lasted 2 years until I i caught it. During that time he also had a ONS a business trip she wasn't on. Where do they find these other sick people???

There. I said it all. It's horrible. I caught the LTA, he confessed to the rest.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future

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marji ( member #49356) posted at 10:14 AM on Friday, November 17th, 2017

JIMA Yes, I think it takes longer to heal from LTA than other types. My H was acting out for 10 years at massage parlors; two years before at strip clubs. I found out after 35 years what he'd been doing the past 12. Extreme shock. Trauma. That was 2 years and almost 3 months ago.

I am more balanced now. I have good days and we spend all our time together but no, life is not the same. Im often conscious of feeling awkward with him, a kind of weirdness. I sometimes wonder if it will take 12 years for that feeing to go away or 12 years for my not minding that feeling is there?

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sjnk67 ( new member #52452) posted at 1:26 PM on Sunday, November 19th, 2017

Don't know to begin but here is info married in 89 and within 10yrs I thought he was cheating but couldn't prove it. With the help on the investigative forum I bugged my phone while on vacation in 2004 and when I returned got the biggest shock of my life he was cheating with 3 women. I confronted all and the issue was resolved or so I thought. A year later friend called me at work and told me my husband's car was parked at one of the women's home-confronted and he swore to never see her again--he lied. I believe my husband was seeing this particular woman our entire marriage. I have threaten divorce numerous times even contacted attorney and they told me it would be the worst financial mistake I could make, a few ago he stated he was not leaving with just the clothes on his back and he knew what he was entitled too--where I live he is entitled to 1/2 the house, my pension, ira and anything else we have together--and because he is disabled I would have to support that too. It is not a good situation he says he loves us both and he is not giving her up. He told me before his diagnosis that he was planning on visiting her--she lives about 16hr ride from where we live. I was told years ago by one of the attorneys to wait it out--it's a horrible way to live, when he's gone I will miss him but not the cheating. If he decides to go visit her I will not be the one caring for him his family will and they will be notified.

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mlav69 ( member #45882) posted at 9:51 PM on Wednesday, November 22nd, 2017

Haven't been here in a while - I've been doing really well. But I always know I can come here to get support if I need it or if I just need to get something off my chest. Thanks to all of you for that.

Like I said, I've been doing great. I no longer need the anti-depressant I was taking (knock on wood) and I rarely take my anti-anxiety med anymore either. But today is the 3 year antiversary of Dday #1 and it's been tougher than I expected. I think it's because I was off work last 11/22, but this year I am working and have had to write the date about 100 times already today. I don't think this date will ever NOT conjure up horrible memories for me. Today I've had a slight recurrence of the physical symptoms I felt when finding out about the LTA that day. The anxiety, the nausea, the anger, the shock - I've felt a little bit of it all. The past few days I've found myself questioning whether I did the right thing by staying, probably because I've recently decided to accept some simple facts once and for all. That I will never trust him 100% again. That I will always have doubts in the back of my mind. That I will probably never completely open my heart to him again. Ever. And I wonder if it's worth it. Is there still a chance that some of these things I've accepted will change for the better? I have another antiversary coming up on 12/9 for Dday #2 and I'm just looking for some perspective before that day comes. It's an even more horrible memory and that day, I literally thought I was going to die. It's always a rough one.

On a lighter note - I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that we all find plenty to be grateful for despite our unfortunate circumstances. Peace.

Me: 48
WH: 47
7-8yr EA & PA with coworker
DD #1 11/22/14, DD #2 12/9/14

Still R'ing......

Sleep doesn't help when it's your soul that's tired

posts: 471   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2014   ·   location: NC
id 8030764
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mlav69 ( member #45882) posted at 10:13 PM on Wednesday, November 22nd, 2017

(((cantsleep)))

I just read your post. I am so sorry sweetie, I really am - I know the devastation you feel all too well. Something similar happened to me a couple of weeks after I initially found out about my WH's LTA. My WH had a colonoscopy and was out cold from the meds. He had deleted all the texts from OW before I got a chance to read them all. So I took the opportunity to run a data recovery computer program on his phone and found a whole lot more than I bargained for or was mentally prepared for. I thought I would just get to find out more lies and get a better idea of their relationship, but the photos that popped up were extremely graphic and so unexpected that it really knocked me for a loop. I felt like I was having a heart attack and I literally thought I was going to die before I could even get up, wake him and confront him about them. I can still see them in my mind and it still takes my breath away three years later. It took me a long time to get to the point where they weren't just flashing through my mind all day long every day, but I promise, it DOES get better. My heart goes out to you. You're in the best place to get some excellent support. Be strong. Many hugs...

Me: 48
WH: 47
7-8yr EA & PA with coworker
DD #1 11/22/14, DD #2 12/9/14

Still R'ing......

Sleep doesn't help when it's your soul that's tired

posts: 471   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2014   ·   location: NC
id 8030787
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Mickeymom ( member #45917) posted at 8:36 AM on Thursday, November 23rd, 2017

sjnk: it sounds like the future is going to be very difficult for you. It’s so hard to say I don’t know if I would want to care for my WS if he thought he wanted to go see OW, but we all walk our own journey and must do what right for us.

Mlav: I just had my 3 antiversarry in October and am doing good also the date did come and go but didn’t really bother me as much as I thought it would I feel very similar I question did I do the right thing knowing I will never be 100% all in again, but I am happy I am better I never thought I would be here. I think for your next date do something that day that excites you or just keeps you super busy so your mind does not have time to wonder to that dark place. These lessons of life learning to accept things and move forward can be difficult, but I think it’s true what doesn’t kill us makes stronger so stand tall be present in the moment and grateful you get this day to be you and most of all be happy that you are a strong warrior. Peace to all. We are all stronger then we ever knew we were, why cause here we all are fighting for ourselves to find our happiness.

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Mickeymom ( member #45917) posted at 8:36 AM on Thursday, November 23rd, 2017

sjnk: it sounds like the future is going to be very difficult for you. It’s so hard to say I don’t know if I would want to care for my WS if he thought he wanted to go see OW, but we all walk our own journey and must do what right for us.

Mlav: I just had my 3 antiversarry in October and am doing good also the date did come and go but didn’t really bother me as much as I thought it would I feel very similar I question did I do the right thing knowing I will never be 100% all in again, but I am happy I am better I never thought I would be here. I think for your next date do something that day that excites you or just keeps you super busy so your mind does not have time to wonder to that dark place. These lessons of life learning to accept things and move forward can be difficult, but I think it’s true what doesn’t kill us makes stronger so stand tall be present in the moment and grateful you get this day to be you and most of all be happy that you are a strong warrior. Peace to all. We are all stronger then we ever knew we were, why cause here we all are fighting for ourselves to find our happiness.

posts: 1200   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2014
id 8031165
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seachelles ( member #49868) posted at 5:10 PM on Tuesday, November 28th, 2017

Hey all. Long time no talk. I took on a seasonal job to help out around here a bit- so I've been so busy. Just wanted to send a bit of support out there to all the new people suffering through a LTA during this holiday season.

It does get better. This Christmas is the first in 2 years that I actually feel like celebrating. But I can see in my WH husband that he wants to make this work.

I think part of it is we had news from a friend that shook us a few months back. Her husband's been cheating on her for years. It was so painful to share our story with her- but we knew it was the right thing to do. To tell her that it can work (again if both parties are willing to, and at the moment that's not what he wants to do ) It has finally dawned on WH that he'd lose so much if his relationship had continued. This guy is one of his best friends and it's so hard to watch what is happening from the sidelines.

As another poster said- life isn't the same. It's very different. WH took the girls back to their respective schools by himself- since I have a retail job I had to work most of Black Friday Weekend. I was busy so I didn't worry- but I can tell you I had my phone out and was tracking his every move until he came home when it was slow. Sigh. I hate that reality- but it is what it is. I'll probably never have 100% trust ever again, that does make me sad.

Me- 50
Him-49
D-Day 9/17/15
5 year LTA with COW
2 dd's 23 and 20

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id 8034496
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donna3 ( member #44976) posted at 1:04 AM on Wednesday, November 29th, 2017

I agree seachelles. Four years out here and things are really well, but I will never trust 100% again. If something feels a bit out of place, I know that my thoughts will immediately go back to the A. If he gets texts I will ask from who, or at least look at his phone. I do not police him anymore, I don't feel the need. But that kick in the gut worry will never totally be gone. It is sad but that is how it is. And maybe 100% trust is never a good thing. Even in a solid M one should always be aware that things can happen and if something doesn't feel right, questions should be asked. I was so sure my H would never cheat so it was never on my radar. Looking back now, however, there were some clues I should have investigated. But my H is smarter now: private emails, burner phones, calls from work all could happen and me not know. I guess at some point I should stop worrying. If my H is capable of another A knowing how devastated I was (am) then he can just hit the road anyway. I deserve better than that. I have told him over and over I will NEVER go thru that again.

Healing,in R
Married 39 years now, grown children
DD: 11/14/13,EA PA,TT
DD2: 9/12/14 found out LTPA of 2.5 yrs
Age 62 Yikes!

posts: 649   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2014   ·   location: Ohio
id 8034986
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, December 6th, 2017

How is everyone today? Donna3, what you said certainly resonates with me.

Steph, how are things with you?

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8041191
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Mickeymom ( member #45917) posted at 4:48 AM on Thursday, December 7th, 2017

Not having a good day... things have been great been working so hard for 3 years now, then today something that made my sense chim in and not sure could be nothing, but infidelity the gift that keeps giving. Hardest part not trusting that’s when I get discouraged knowing I will never trust like I once did. Now I am hyper vigilant about everything. It’s for crazy making. I hate this especially when it’s been good really good. Thanks for the vent. I really hope it me just being nutty. I will see.

I hope everyone else is having a better day then me

[This message edited by Mickeymom at 10:48 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

posts: 1200   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2014
id 8041782
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skins21 ( member #61643) posted at 2:58 PM on Thursday, December 7th, 2017

The day I found out about her affair everything made sense. I now knew why my marriage was so shitty and why she refused sex with me for so many years. It was like I was given a get out of jail free card. I realize now I don't have to be stuck in a shitty marriage for the rest of my life. Of course she's trying to do everything she can to fix the mess she made but I'm just numb.

ME: BS 36
WW 35
EA/PA for 3.5 years
DD 1/26/17
Together for 13 years, married for 6

Divorcing after the house sells.

posts: 515   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2017   ·   location: Florida
id 8041949
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Mickeymom ( member #45917) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, December 7th, 2017

Skin: this is still really fresh for you the first year is just pure hell... the second year you start finding you again. Yes the R ones really try hard to work on the relationship and some can change some can not and it depends what you want. So take time don’t rush into anything do what makes YOU happy. Sorry ur here it really does suck...

posts: 1200   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2014
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donna3 ( member #44976) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, December 8th, 2017

sorry you are here skins. This is all up to her now. No, you do not need to stay in a M where you are treated badly. You are still in a very fragile state and need to take care of you. If she is willing to do the hard work then maybe you can work on your M.

Mickey, hopefully you found out it is nothing. But the need to check will always be there for us. It is so hard to just let go, let trust back in, look at my H as my partner, my best friend. After 4 years I just want to move on and think of him as "my guy" again. He is working so very hard. I want to let it all go but something inside me just cannot totally ignore what happened. I still "see" him with her and that just hurts.

Healing,in R
Married 39 years now, grown children
DD: 11/14/13,EA PA,TT
DD2: 9/12/14 found out LTPA of 2.5 yrs
Age 62 Yikes!

posts: 649   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2014   ·   location: Ohio
id 8043079
Topic is Sleeping.
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