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Divorce/Separation :
We’re done

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Breakingapart ( Member #74151) posted at 11:30 PM on Sunday, May 3rd, 2020

I feel the same way....you are not alone in that! My 7 yr old was the only one who even wanted to spend time with him pre quarantine. Now, he FaceTimes his dad about once a week. My other kids don’t even want to do that.

The day to day struggle is real. Evenings are the hardest for me....time when we would sit and chat or just sit and not have to chat....

I miss him, I love him, and I hate him all at the same time.....

I’m still in shock....

I hope as everyone claims here that things get better.

For now, at least we know we aren’t alone....sad that there are so many of us here....broken by selfish, disrespectful, immature fools!

Hugs to you

posts: 158   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8538711
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 12:15 AM on Monday, May 4th, 2020

Breaking apart: I feel the same way. Glad that I’m not alone, but sad for everyone here too!

The evenings are so hard. It’s the exact same thing. I miss him. I love him. I hate his guts. I just can’t wait until this calms down a bit. I wish we could fast forward through time.

It’s got to be so hard for you with your kids older and understanding what is going on. Mine are still so little. So my oldest can tell somethings up, and knows he’s not here at night, but that’s about it. And I can mostly hide from them Th at I am so sad. You are a rockstar keeping it together for your kids! I don’t know your details, but i know that he doesn’t deserve you!!!

Hugs!

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8538728
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Brokenheart29 ( Member #51827) posted at 1:12 AM on Monday, May 4th, 2020

Futurewasstolen my xwh cheated on me while I was pregnant. Cheating is bad but to do it while your wife is carrying your baby is just the lowest of the low. I absolutely feel your pain. I am 4 years out and still get triggered by pregnant ladies (he was also just so mean and nasty to me while in the affair).

I’m still lonely on an evening. But I’m not sad about him. I don’t miss him. He is the one that has lost out. I just miss the company. But I am also content with my own company now. Once you reach the place where he means nothing to you it’s wonderful. It does take time but you will get there. And be so proud of yourself. Bringing up small children while having your heartbroken is very hard. But also very rewarding. Your children will know as they get older what you did for them and your bond will be amazing. Big hugs to you. Feel your sadness and anger. It’s normal to feel this way. This rollercoaster is tough, you will get to the other side though I promise.

Me 33, xwh POS had a pa while I was pregnant. My kids, DD 10 DS 4.They will see me through this trauma.
Dday January 2016
Divorced finally January 2017

posts: 195   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2016   ·   location: England
id 8538741
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 2:07 AM on Monday, May 4th, 2020

So you think they have any clue as to how much pain they cause? Any clue at all?

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8538758
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Breakingapart ( Member #74151) posted at 4:39 AM on Monday, May 4th, 2020

It is impossible to wrap my head around the possibility that they do know how much hurt their causing....not just me...family and friends too. This would all be so much easier if they were asses from the start or it was an abusive relationship....so hard to imagine a good person being able to do any of this....how can people change overnight? How can they choose someone they barely know over their long term partners and children! It just doesn’t make sense to me!!!

posts: 158   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8538793
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 5:32 AM on Monday, May 4th, 2020

So you think they have any clue as to how much pain they cause? Any clue at all?

Sadly, many just don't care. That is why striving for indifference (which takes time and emotional distance) should be the goal. Trying to figure why they think/act the way they do will only twist you up in knots because you will likely never understand. You're just not wired that way, and you can't make sense out of nonsense. Focus on acceptance and healing. It is very liberating once you get there.

For what it's worth, Xhole not only cheated on me through at least two pregnancies, but one of his OW gave birth to their OC one month after I gave birth. Yeah, it's a punch in the gut.

Hang in there!

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8538805
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 12:24 AM on Tuesday, May 5th, 2020

Yesterday when I wasn’t doing too well I pulled out everything I have from our wedding. My box with my cake topper, champagne glasses, my veil, the program, my dress, his tux. In the box was the letter he wrote to me the night before our wedding, a copy of his vows, and tons of notes he had written to me before we got married. They were ordinary notes, things like telling me he couldn’t wait for the weekend to spend some time with me. We used to leave notes like that to each other all the time. Those notes and letters were so filled with love. I could feel it. It made me remember the man who wrote them. The man who was excited to see me when he walked through the door. Who texted me all day about nothing at all. Who would do anything for me.

Yesterday it just made me sad. But today I’m glad that I looked at it all. Because it reminded me that at one point we did have the real thing. It was so real and so strong. And it’s night and day to who he is now. I don’t know how it happened, but the man I see now isn’t even close to the man who wrote me those notes. When he came back asking for a second chance and wanted to R, he wasn’t close to the man who wrote me those notes. And the only man I want in my life is the kind of man who will write me notes like that. Who is so completely in love with me. I don’t want to settle for anything else. I don’t know why, but something about reading those letters opened my eyes to just how far he’s gone away from who he was.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8539081
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 1:46 AM on Tuesday, May 5th, 2020

I'm glad he's not living in your house now, that will give you a chance to put some space between your feelings, if that makes any sense (the love him, hate him thing).

I might also suggest that you not see him or communicate with him at all. Meet him in the police station parking lot to hand over the kids when you exchange. Don't talk, just sit in the driver's seat while he loads them up. Anything he needs to tell you he can do via email.

I'm not even sure you're required to share the kids right now. Have you consulted an attorney and drawn up any paperwork? Or is your agreement just between the 2 of you? YOUR health is the most important thing right now and if not seeing him is what it will take to protect your health, then so be it. You owe him nothing and your kids will be fine if they don't see him for a couple of weeks.

Remember that, you owe him nothing. Nothing. Not the time of day. Not a conversation. Not a response to a question he asks. Nothing. Nada. Zip, zero, zilch. He created this situation, this is what he wants, give it to him.

Protect yourself and think only of yourself because I can tell you right now, he sure as heck isn't going to do anything at all with your best interest at heart, he's come right out and told you that both in words and in actions.

Then, in your spare time, you might want to read about covert narcissism and the concept of "mirroring." From what you've written, it's possible that's who he is and what he does. If so, you'll be able to find tips and strategies to deal with it and you'll soon realize that none of this has anything to do with you. I mean, you know it on one level but learning about that will really let it sink in.

Hugs to you. This is the absolute worst thing that can happen and you're already over the worst of it. Better days ahead, for sure.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8539100
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 4:38 AM on Tuesday, May 5th, 2020

Im sorry for what happened to you, and your kids are so young.

I'll just add that NO, he is not a good Dad. A good dad doesn't go and cheat on his kids (3) mother. We've lowered our standards if this POS is considered a good dad. Good men don't cheat on their spouse. PERIOD.

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8539140
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:57 AM on Tuesday, May 5th, 2020

I’m going to relate a story that I hope helps you.

I had a friend in church pass away a few years ago. She was in her 90s. Three children. Very lovely family.

Her three children spoke at her funeral. They all talked about their mom in a loving way. And all 3 kids spoke about the day their dad left her (not sure if there was an OW but I gather the marriage was rocky).

They all spoke how their mother carried on. Was a great mom. How much she loved her children and cared for them. How they now understand her pain and suffering. How proud they were she was their mom.

This will be how your children view you one day. Like the rock star you are. It hurts so very badly now. But you will survive it. We all do.

Perhaps counseling might help you. It saved my sanity during my H’s affair.

You now have to accept your H for the person he is now. A lying cheating jerk. Who will try to be the good dad. And that may work with your children. But they will know he walked out on them when they are old enough to understand.

And you will be the parent who is left to deal with that. 😢

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10508   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8539196
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 2:41 PM on Wednesday, May 6th, 2020

How are you doing?

I hope you soaked up what The1stWife wrote; she's one of the wisest members here and she was spot on with everything she said.

When you feel low, which you will, try to remember that you're over the worst of it and you can do this. I mean, really, think about it, your children are thriving and happy and beautiful. YOU managed to accomplish that in spite of being married to a lying cheater.

And a lying cheater he is/was. He is not a good Dad. Good Dads don't do what he did, they just don't. He took time and money away from them, he hurt their mother. I think all his Daddy stuff is just to buy their love and make them loyal to him. I think subconsciously he's buttering them up so when you split, they'll still love him and miss him.

Have you read in The Healing Library? I can't tell you enough how much valuable stuff is in there but especially the information about the 180 and Grey Rock.

Right now, the focus needs to be on you and what it will take to get you through this chapter of your life.

One of my favorite sayings:

"The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother."

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8539603
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 1:56 AM on Thursday, May 7th, 2020

Hi Josiep

I’m doing ok. Two days ago I was flying on a high. I talked to a second lawyer and I was feeling so good about everything. Then last night I started feeling emotional. All I could think about was how he could possibly do this to me and for so long. How he never had a “holy fuck what am I doing?” moment. Today I’ve been trying really hard to not be too depressed. I miss the man I married so much. I am exhausted from trying to keep myself from being sad. I was doing ok though. Getting my boys outside to play and distracting myself by being a good mom.

Then, as I was putting my youngest to bed, who I’m still breastfeeding because he’s still an infant, I was thinking about how he took her on dates. While I was at home putting our boys to bed by myself, he was taking her to restaurants. And then I realized that that means she rode in his truck. In my seat. And that thought hit me like a ton of bricks. The thought of her sitting in my seat laughing with my husband, on the way to a dinner that I should be at instead of her. It makes me so mad. And so sad at the same time. I just feel sick to my stomach and numb all over.

There’s absolutely no way back from this. No amount of time could make me forget all of this. I knew that already, but it’s like the more time that goes by, the more little things like that that I think of. And it’s like new wounds all over again. And I have to know over and over again that I will never have the man I married back again. We will never be together again. My boys will grow up with divorced parents. We’ll be able to co-parent I’m sure, and even if not I’ll always be there for them. But they’re not going to have married parents.

There’s been so much wisdom given to me on this site. So much. Tomorrow I’m going to go back through and read some again because I need the help. Holding myself together is something I can do, but it’s so tiring. And no matter how well I do it, how positive I am, there’s no changing the past. I can’t change what he did to me. To us.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8539885
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 2:51 PM on Thursday, May 7th, 2020

Oh,Future, this is so crappy, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. But just as you have faith that your children will continue to grow with each passing day, so will you. A lot describe it as a roller coaster ride, the highs, the lows. But eventually, the battery begins to wear out in that roller coaster and you'll have more and more moments of peace and strength. I'm not going to lie, the sadness and anger will rise up occasionally, maybe for the rest of you life. But they'll only get up a little way and you'll have the tools to knock them down.

Please keep posting here because there are so many wonderful members who will share their experiences, their hope, their stories, their "ideas" (not to be confused with advice because even thought some of us write in a way that it sounds like advice that better follow or else, we all understand that YOU will pick the path that's best for you.). And it's goog to keep posting on this thread. Helps the people who are familiar with your story to have it all in one place. If you browse the various forums, you'll see some threads going on for 40 pages or more. Those are many times a new BS's story and it might go on for months. It's like having your very own message board that's just about you and your situation.

Just sharing with you to reassure you that your life has many chapter to write yet and that the best is yet to come:

I was chatting with a 92 yr. old woman yesterday. She's pretty prim and proper, but in a casual way. I don't know her well but she never misses a chance to tell me to hang in there, that I'll be fine. Well, yesterday something came up in the conversation and she told me that she had 3 husbands and that the last one was the best and that she really misses him (he died). So you see, your feelings toward your STBXH will eventually fade and you'll be open to love again someday. You know the old expression about having to kiss a few turkeys along the way........

Since your kids are young, you might benefit from putting postit notes around your house. One could be a picture of a turkey so you remember the saying. Another could be "Let It Go." Funny ones, nasty ones, mean ones, religious ones, the list is endless. Hang on in your laundry area that reminds you that you don't have to wash an adult male's disgusting underwear anymore.

Gotta run - but do keep writing here and maybe it could sort of be a journal and in a few month's time, you'll go back and read it all and you honestly won't remember how bad it feels. You'll remember that you were intense pain and that it was horrible but you won't really remember. Sort of like childbirth.

And in 2 yrs. time, you'll have a few minutes to pop in and read it and you'll ask yourself who that woman was because she'll have grown and accomplished so much that you'll hardly recognize her. Oh, she'll be the same "you" with your essence but she'll be smarted and happier and more peaceful and filled with joy and her home with be filled with laughter and giggles again.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8540029
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 5:42 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2020

I’m standing in the middle of a grocery store and trying to not start crying. I’m so angry with him. And I’m afraid of what my life is now. What my future looks like now.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8540555
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WhatsRight ( Member #35417) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2020

I'm so jealous of you.

I have stayed. I begged him to stay. To raise our kids together. To be a family.

14 years later, he is ill, and I am his caregiver.

We have had no "fun" or "love" during that time. We would both have been better off if we had split up immediately.

I know you are hurting now. I know it must be awful. My H started with his cheating when my boys were 5, 18 mo, and 8 mo.

But now, not only do I live with no love from / with him, but the kids are grown, and I am old.

I know you are in pain.

But I say "Run like hell" out of that marriage. You can try to have a cordial relationship in coparenting with him, but distance yourself from him personally as much as possible.

You will be better / stronger for this...I promise you!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8540560
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cactusflower ( Member #57437) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2020

FWS - Imagine what your future holds for you. Keep imagining that. There is someone out there hoping for the same thing you are.

Your ex was always the way he is, he just never properly dealt with them. Be glad you are free of him this soon in your life rather than 20 years down the road.

I see so many broken people here - then I read how others picked themselves up and found a new life for themselves when they thought they never would. They have given me strength and hope.

I know time and sole-searching has helped me get through this and it will eventually heal me. I take one step at a time.

[This message edited by cactusflower at 12:12 PM, May 8th (Friday)]

posts: 239   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2017
id 8540566
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2020

You are so strong! I know you may not feel that way but you handled this like an extremely strong woman. I was exactly where you were 2 years ago. It's so hard in the beginning and it doesn't get better with a snap of a finger. But everyday it gets a little bit easier to deal with. You won't even see it but it does. It's a slow process I won't lie. The emotions can be overwhelming at times. I know you have young children but try and carve out times to just let it all out. I remember my pain very well, I'll never forget it. But I held strong just as you are now. It was exhausting but I did. Your family is still your family. I have my kids on my days and we are a family! It's hard to let go of the Hope's and dreams but you will survive this! Hang in there! Keep posting, vent hear when needed. If you have a hard time eating, smoothies saved me during this time. You will look back on this and realize just how strong you are! It's a balance of all the emotions right now though. They'll keep going but they will subside and become less and less powerful over you!

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8540607
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 FuturewasStolen (original poster Member #74119) posted at 10:01 PM on Friday, May 8th, 2020

I’m trying so hard to be strong. For myself and for my kids. I don’t want to show them that this is how you treat your wife. Or any woman for that matter.

I can’t seem to stop crying these past couple of days though. Either because I’m so depressed or because I’m so mad. I still have trouble comprehending that this is reality. That he really did do all those things, make all those decisions. That he really did betray me and our family. Is that normal? Like part of me still thinks he’s going to turn around and snap out of it and chose me. And so every time that he doesn’t, I get crushed again. And I feel stupid for not expecting it.

Yesterday I was looking at him and all I could think of was when he proposed to me. And I thought I’d never take that ring off. And now I have, and I’m never going to put it back on.

Whatsright, can’t believe that someone would be jealous of me. I am so sorry for your situation and your pain. But I am thankful that you said that to me. It made me feel better, feel a little bit stronger. I know that this is the right decision for me and for my boys. And this is the hardest time (hopefully!). And I can get through this. I need to power through this part until I can see him and not want to cry.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8540649
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 3:02 PM on Saturday, May 9th, 2020

I need to power through this part until I can see him and not want to cry.

A lot of us have found it helps to make a list of all the rotten things he did and refer to it whenever you're beginning to miss him. Remind yourself who he really is.

Hang in there. One day at a time. Hug your babies, take care of yourself. That's all you have to do right now.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8540792
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 4:40 PM on Saturday, May 9th, 2020

I was told in the beginning that mourning and healing, like what you are going through, comes in like waves to the shore. It is not an even process. One anger wave. Calm. Three sadness waves in a row. Calm. Calm. Anger. etc.

You mentioned missing your evening conversations. Somewhere along the lines in the four years since my cheater moved out, I went from where you are today, to sitting in my chair at the end of the day with a huge smile on my face, loving my home, loving my son, and LOVING my freedom from a man that did what he did to my son and me.

By choice, I am still single btw. This is the furthest thing from your mind now, but in the months ahead, be VERY CAREFUL to not allow another man to fill this void. You will be infinitely better able to make smart relationship choices the further from this you are.

You will be especially vulnerable with all the extra 'mom with young children' instincts right now. It doesn't matter how smart you are. I just felt I wanted to say something in hopes it will stick with you in the future because I guarantee the opportunities are going to present themselves.

I agree with making the lists of the horrible things he did and adding as you think of more. I did that as well. BTW, my cheaters OW sat in my passenger seat also. Guess how I knew? I could SMELL her! Disgusting. During wreckoncilation, he kept telling me it was his buddies cologne, and then she got make-up all over the visor mirror. Gross.

You are SO MUCH better off. Just thinking you were at home with his little baby while he was out with whore. Grrrrr. I'll be mad for you now while you are dealing with sad and making your list----

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8540811
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