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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Reconciliation :
Trying One Last Time

Topic is Sleeping.

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:39 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022

She feels that we never really put in the necessary work after the EA's.

WE don't put in the work to keep her from cheating. SHE has to do that. Actually, she should be doing all the heavy lifting right now. SHE should be working on herself. Your job for the first several.months is to take care of you,and watch her actions. Is she doing the work? Is she angry and resentful? Is she empathetic? Does she blame you? Only once you see consistent,honest,and remorseful actions should you put in any work on the marriage. MC is pointless, until she's been in IC,working on herself for awhile. The marriage didn't cheat. She did.

It's odd that she is saying that sex isn't a big deal with you, yet wants you to believe, and be ok with, this last affair being purely sexual.

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6774   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8771306

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 5:33 PM on Thursday, December 29th, 2022

If I go straight to the OBS without my wife's participation, it could likely fire up a lot of strife between my W and I. I guess my goal is now to periodically bring it up until I have her on board with telling her. If she never gets there (which I don't have much confidence in), I'll have to eventually suck it up and just do it.

Brother I'm sorry you are here, full disclosure, I ALWAYS recommend D when it comes to LTAs and/or serial cheaters, this is no exception, you don't even have a remorseful WW, not to mention her mental issues. Again your WW is no R material by a very long shot, but if you insist on giving R a try and have at least a remote possibility at a lasting successful outcome, for starters you should start being "Proactive" and not wait on her to be "on board" with what you think is best for you and the chances of R.

Full exposure with OBS, close family and mutual friends is at the very top of the list of recommendations here on SI and other forums, EXPOSE the A with OBS TONIGHT without warning and let the chips fall where they may, it's part of the consequences of her huge betrayal, sit your daughter down and tell her yourself, let your WW deal with the aftermath and all the explanations and apologies, it typically helps with remorse, no remorse, no chance to successfully R period !.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8771320

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:39 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022

If I go straight to the OBS without my wife's participation, it could likely fire up a lot of strife between my W and I.

Given that you fear strife, my reco is to do it now.

R is a process of recognizing and resolving issues related to the A. It is filled with strife. If you can't deal with conflict, you can't R. If your W can't deal with conflict, she can't R.

M is also a process of recognizing and resolving issues related to the M. No 2 people always agree. For 2 people to live together until death parts them, they have to figure out how to resolve their conflicts.

If you don't start now, will you ever start?

Remember, she blew up your world without your consent....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30042   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8771494

FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 10:06 PM on Friday, December 30th, 2022


As you consider your recovery and nature of your marriage, how would you summarise the things that you and your wife can do that would assist your healing/recovery and help you to regain trust in and affection for your wife?
Many good ideas have been suggested to you.

May I ask how you feel about the AP getting away without apparent consequences?
Informing the AP's wife, and your children knowing who the AP was and how he sought to seduce your wife (with her cooperation and perhaps even desire) can for many males help the healing.

And how about the stress caused by her work location and the enablers who work there.
Is it time for her to look for a new job? It might make you feel better and help you to heal by removing another stressor.
Have you read threads that address this issue?
This is another consequence that she might have to face.

I won't even raise the question of moving from your present location away from a constant trigger (travelling past the AP's house).

Does your wife understand that if you choose to offer her the gift of reconciliation, then it will involve you in a 2 to 5 year process with many triggers? Is she willing to commit to this recovery process?
This commitment will involve answering many repeated questions as you struggle with this issue and slowly move towards a state of acceptance (over many years).
This commitment will involve assisting you whenever you trigger.

As is often said, take what is useful and please leave the rest. All the best as you engage in your six month reflection.
You have our understanding and prayers,

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8771536

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 12:39 AM on Saturday, December 31st, 2022

You need to notify the OBS asap. You are worried about causing strife? Brother she blew your marriage apart, strife is too bad it’s consequences of her poor choices. Please take the advice given so far and get control of this.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3468   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8771547

RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 9:14 AM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023


Gently now.

Mostly, because it was very strong for the first 2 months after Dday, and was helping me to feel close to her and cope with things. Now, it's like a huge stab in the gut that I'm having these issues and her desire is waning.

You will still be riding the rollercoaster, as you are still too near the DD date. This swinging of emotions and chaotic thoughts will still be with you, as you have experienced trauma.

Give it time and some counselling, and you will be able to get it under control. Focus on IC first, and think about MC later, as the M is technically dead, and will not go anywhere, whilst you are still 'alive' and struggling.

She says that sex is no big deal to her.

Does she mean with you, or it was no big deal during her AP?

She tells me that I'm overthinking things with the A, sex, etc., and that it would help us if I just focused on the future.

This to me, indicates that she lacks empathy for you. She is effectively telling you to 'get over it'. She is still in her wayward mode of 'control'. She wants to control the outcome. A truly remorseful WS would be letting go of the outcome, and letting the BS be the one in control.

If it ends up derailing any hopes of R, I do want my W to be willing to work with me on the details of any potential D. If I go straight to the OBS without my wife's participation, it could likely fire up a lot of strife between my W and I. I guess my goal is now to periodically bring it up until I have her on board with telling her. If she never gets there (which I don't have much confidence in), I'll have to eventually suck it up and just do it.

Sorry, but your WS does not have a say in whether you inform the OBS or not. Again, if the WS were remorseful, they would support the BS no matter what the decision was (unless it involved some bodily harm/violence). The WS need not 'get on board' with that decision, same as the outcome of the M, be it R or D. The focus should be on what YOU need, not what the WS needs/wants, as they had already forfeit their involvement by bringing a 3rd party into the M.

If you take a look at some other tales of woe in this forum, you easily see which WS are truly remorseful, as they cede control over to their BS. They also prove themselves with their consistent actions and not with words. They look inward to try and find the causes, and address those causes, so that they do not stray again.

At the moment, your WS has yet to prove herself fully with her actions. Her crying and begging is a form of manipulation to prevent you from going the D route (this is not to say that you have to go on the D route). She NEEDS to prove herself to you, and the onus is on her on how to prove it to you.

Take your time and get yourself stable again. Focus on yourself first, then you will be able to make a clear headed decision.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8771844

taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 3:28 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

I can’t help but think your wife minimized and lied about the extent of her EAs. Her response and lack of understanding of why this one is different tells me that it probably isn’t. I believe that she’s struggling to understand why you can’t get over it because you always had, but in your mind this one is different but she knows the truth of her previous affairs.

I would tell her that you want a polygraph as terms of reconciliation. You need to know what you’re working with, and she needs to face who she is and the decisions that she makes.

I wish you all the best. I sure hope for your sake she wakes up and comprehends the devastation she caused. I also hope that you learn your own value and expect respect.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 407   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8771873
Topic is Sleeping.
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