SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Probably a silly and somewhat rhetorical question but do you think the WS every fully grasps the pain and damage caused by their actions. I've chosen R and as I've mentioned in other posts it's going as well as can be expected but I do often wonder just how much the WS "gets it". Do they know that the simple words like "cheat" can sting even if it's not in that context? I've been watching news and heard an an anchor say "current affairs" and it'll set me off for 30 seconds. It's the little things like this that I'm not sure the waywards understand. I think they get the "big" impact stuff and the visceral, gut-wrenching pain of the initial days after D-Day. But I truly don't think they understand the little "death by a thousand cuts" type of issues we deal with. Her AP lives locally and it wasn't until I shared recently that when I walk into a lot of local places my head is instinctively on a swivel now due to concerns about running into him. It never really dawned on her. I feel like once the initial shock, awe, extreme anger subsides over the course of months/years, that they often forget about these lingering effects because most of us, once past the larger emotions, just choose to accept that these will be part of our life forever. I struggle with this a lot lately. Why am I choosing to stay in a relationship that has created this anxiety and trauma but in the same breathe she is doing EVERYTHING right? It is such a crazy, effed up paradigm. I honestly can't think of another social "experiment" that creates such a painful dilemma. I'm 3 years past DDay and am not considering ditching R so I guess I'm just venting and stimulating some conversation........frustrating to say the least.

In my case, my wife rationalized her choices into the dreaded, "what I will never know, can’t hurt me." She was planning on keeping the A secret forever.

The only reason she confessed many years after the fact was she finally understood the distance the secret caused between us.

She had zero idea of the pain it would cause. And I think our society has something to do with how the subject is treated. Infidelity is entertainment for TV, it is bragged about or made to a bit sad in songs, and I imagine it drives a lot of the romance book industry sales.

My wife gets it now, but only after she sees the damage done.

All of that said, the triggers you mention rarely register and if they do, I focus on the good happening today versus lingering on those intrusive thoughts.

As to your frustration, as I recall, I think most of year three was me being disappointed with a fate I neither asked for or deserved.

I eventually turned that around into realizing the strength it takes for any of us to build back from the trauma of it all.

I find it amazing what I have overcome and the joy I find now — not just in the M, but with my sons, family and friends.

I think a ws can get it, but we do not experience it the way you do. We see it filtered through our own shame and guilt, and ironically it takes being able to manage those two things to see it more clearly. Think about something maybe you did wrong as a child, you may have been focused more on how you feel about what you did than how it made them feel. That’s sort of what being a new ws is like- and it’s often confirmation for us we are not worthy of love because we are "bad people".

It takes a lot of work to get from someone who sees life through that lens to being someone who understands what led to what they did, and can hold some self compassion at the same time as remorse. I know that sounds backwards but our relationship with ourselves will mirror back in our relationships with others. If someone can hold accountability while still having self compassion, they will be able to have compassion and softness for what others go through. It’s just the nature of humans.

The best case scenario of that work is it’s fueled not just by seeing the damage they have caused but being so disgusted and disappointed in themselves that they know they need to change. Commitment to growth always has to have a selfish element of not wanting to be that person that you have been. Of course seeing the damage of what you did is important, especially in moving towards making the most proper amends they can. So both things need to be present.

I think most ws who do the work of that journey - figuring out the hows and whys, changing their patterns, and being dedicated to that growth face a lot of hard things and have their own type of pain. The process of reconciliation is both the bs and the ws overcoming their own unique things they need to heal is what allows for that space to open for a new marriage to form. That’s why I think of year one like a recovery period, and not really reconciling.

Reconciling is a process that after some healing has been had by both they have enough room to develop that understanding of each other’s inner world. I think in our journey, that meant that I needed to understand his pain and he needed to understand mine. That doesn’t mean either of us excuse the affair, but it becomes an exchange of understanding and that’s the foundation in which you can build from.

At 3 years out of your ws has not gained enough understanding of the damage and is not demonstrating that knowledge through changed behavior, that should be a concern for you.

Even if they are, at 3 years out it’s natural to still feel resentment and have more healing to do. What happened to you is unfair, and it will never be a scale that gets balanced. Eventually, what happens and I don’t think it’s usually something Insee happening around here in year three- is the rest is balanced by grace. I think it takes a long time to get there and a long period of consistency in that rebuilt dynamic.

And if the ws doesn’t do that work, there will never be even a chance that rebalancing and things will erode until one of you is ready to pull the trigger on divorce. I would reflect on if you feel like you are in this more alone than not? And if so is it because you hold back telling her this is where your inner world is or is it because she is never going to see the changes she needs to make to be a safe and loving partner? It’s heavy shit to contemplate.

Best wishes to you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:47 PM, Tuesday, July 8th]

Don't forget that there's a BS questions for WS in the ICR forum. There may be some insight on that thread that may help you.