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I am at a complete loss as to what to do.

My 12 year old daughter has shared that my mother in law has been making hurtful comments about me, and prying for information when she goes to visit.

She is our youngest, and very evidently grandmas favourite 🙄She said that when they go and visit (approx 5 times a year), and they go and walk the dogs together on their own, MIL starts asking her questions about our eldest daughters issues (Autism and Hypermobility), citing her opinion that shes lazy and there's nothing wrong with her. She has also told my daughter that it's not fair on her, as it seems our eldest gets all of the attention. How on earth she thinks she knows anything about what goes on under our roof is beyond me, as my husband doesn't share anything with her anymore (because of ridiculous comments such as the above). Why on earth someone would try and put that thought into their grandchilds head just beggars belief.

My daughter has also said that she speaks about me as if I'm angry, overprotective, too strict and "mental"!

1. She has been asking questions such as "is mummy still being angry", or words to that effect, my daughter can't recall exactly the wording.

2. She has told my daughter that she thinks WH is wrongly "protecting" me. I can only assume she means regarding the affair. Just wow 😞

3. She has shared some weird story with our daughter that neither myself or my husband can even remember, when apparently our eldest was little and MIL brought her some shoes and I said she can't wear those type because of her Hypermobility. This could have happened, because she did need to wear specific footwear, but neither of us can remember. Regardless, she shared this with her and told her "but don't tell mummy and daddy I told you".

I'm gobsmacked. Last year there was an incident (I wrote a thread about it), where she again thought it was OK to pry for information from my daughter, and then shared it with WH but put her own spin on it. My daughter overheard this and was really upset because it wasn't what she said. Since that incident I have cut MIL out completely, but still encouraged a relationship with her grandchildren. WH had an argument with her about it and told her under no circumstances was she ever to do anything like that again and never ask them to keep secrets from us!

I am so incredibly hurt. Her son has treated me dispicably, and quite frankly if it weren't for me, he would be living in his car. I have been nothing but a great wife to her son - she should be ashamed of what he has done to our family. Prior to the affair, we had what I thought, was a good relationship. Although she constantly ignored our parenting boundaries (please not that many sweets, please stop trying to potty train her as she isn't ready, don't tell her "big girls don't cry" crying is normal. Etc)

And I'm a damn great mother too. I devote all of my love, energy and attention on my daughter's. I have fought endlessly for their needs. I put them first. And yes, I am overprotective of them. I will worry about them until the day I die, just like most parents. We have only ever been told what amazing, level headed, polite, caring girls we have and my husband will always say (for all of his faults) that they are a credit to me as I have done majority of the patenting since day dot.

My poor daughter has been really affected by this. I asked her how she feels when grandma says these things about me and she said she feels worried and confused and she doesn't like it 😔 She feels deeply uncomfortable when she is prying for information about our lives or her sister, fearing she will say the wrong thing and she will twist her words, like she did before.

I personally do not want them ever going again. I feel like she is trying to subtly alienate my daughter from me. Our mother / daughter relationship is integral to her wellbeing as she grows older and I don't want anyone threatening that bond between us. The issue is, is that my daughter does enjoy going. She says it feels like a little holiday and she also gets to see her cousin. And I don't want my daughter to consciously / subconsciously blame me for her not going anymore

Where do we go from here? ☹️

Edited to add - our daughter has requested we not share this with MIL, so we can't even discuss it with her, and I'm not prepared to breach her trust. She's seemingly had enough of that from her grandmother.

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 10:50 PM, Tuesday, July 15th]

These are just thoughts b/c obviously this is so confusing and complex I wouldn’t presume to offer a real solution, but…

1. It sounds like you really are a great mother (from your post its obvious..kind, thoughtful, involved, you have boundaries, you seek balance,and all the rest) so your kids are blessed and that is what is going to determine their emotional wellbeing more than anything
2. Kids only half listen to what their grandparents say anyway and from 12 on up it will become less and less

3. When I was in somewhat similar situation with my truly intolerable FIL I eventually started just saying straight to his face or via text or whatever what I honestly thought. I found it very helpful and liberating. After I told him directly (not through my people pleasing spouse) that I thought something was inappropriate or rude or whatever I would even find myself less angry at him. At this point he is in his mid-80s and it has come full circle and I am helping care for him somewhat. He treats me with kid gloves now because he learned I will call him out. Now he’s just a sad old man who will die in the next year or two. I wish I had not wasted mental energy on him.

Beat the unholy shit out of her!

If that doesn't work (probably won't and not really a good idea anyway) then you're left with a good long talk. If that fails then dump it all on your husband, he ought to be the one dealing with his own mother.

Stone wall. Your daughter has something important to do on the days she would be visiting your MIL. Then do something all day to cover yourself. Do it every time. If, and when, your daughter feels comfortable going again then agree.
You can explain boundaries to her and that is why she is uncomfortable when your MIL steps over them. Tell her the best answer she can give is, "I don’t know." It might be too hard for her to say this but if she wants to she can say, "Please don’t talk about my mom. I love her."

I had two grandmothers. One I loved being around and the other made me uncomfortable. Guess which one I chose. I got pretty good at avoiding the other one.

How about having a chat with your daughter reiterating that you and her are a team. Her well being is your responsibility and your priority. Grandma is family but not a part of her
primary family unit. Let her know how you would want her to respond when grandma makes negative comments, " I love my mom and don’t want to hear anything negative about her. I am here to spend time with you so let’s keep it positive. " .

Use this as an opportunity for your daughter to learn how to be firm and set boundaries without being confrontational.

Thank you so much for the replies. Stillconfused2022, that really does mean a lot and I truly appreciate you saying that.

The problem is that neither one of us can address this with MIL and we promised our daughter and can't go against her wishes.

We've asked her whether she would feel comfortable pushing back a little if grandma does this again and she immediately said she doesn't feel able to or comfortable doing that. To add a bit of context, our daughter was recently referred to paediatrics to investigate these dizzy spells she was having as they thought she may be having absence seizures. The doctor could find nothing medically wrong with her but felt she was experiencing derealisation symptoms, and indicated this is usually caused by stress / trauma. This has come as a real blow as it has become very clear that this has been caused by the affair and it's aftermath. I am devastated and feel immense guilt and shame for being so entangled in my own trauma since dday 😖 One positive outcome is that WH and I have agreed there is to be no more arguing in the house and that the environment needs to be as calm as possible for her, and we have since stuck by that. The issue is that I feel that MIL's prying and disparagement of me, is triggering our daughter - she's explain that it makes her go "dizzy". She really does not need the extra stress or pressure.

As to how much she actually listens to grandma... Well I don't believe she does too much - but then again, she is vulnerable at the moment and I am terrified at the long term impact her words are going to have on her. I asked our daughter whether she trusts me and she said she doesn't trust anyone, not since what grandma did. That has really, really worried me and cut deep. I believe she will need some counselling in the near future 😞 God, I feel terrible, I can't stop crying.

I don't mind her seeing her grandma, because she does love her. But I would rather WH take them round more for visits, rather then the girls having sleepovers and being alone with her. My WH said he is worried that a) our daughter will feel guilty and regret telling us if they no longer go for sleepovers or b) she will resent us for not letting them stay. Both valid concerns.

Ugh, I feel so lost and have no idea what is for the best.