SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Short but concise post. Very emotional 24 hours, R is going OK, but the last day has been rough...triggers, tears, hugs and around we go.

Me: I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be OK.

WW: What if I tell you?

Therein lies the problem folks. The person who committed relationship murder is the one who wants to tell you it's going to be OK. They may be genuine, they may be saying it just to appease you....it doesn't matter. It's quite the paradox.

Another day another dollar. Find some peace somewhere today.

I’m so sorry. I remember my husband saying that to me and the complex pain it caused to hear that from the person who inflicted the damage is still hard for me to articulate.

Affair recovery and reconciliation are brutally difficult. You will get through the hard emotions, but feeling them is a hell no one should have to experience. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Ooof. I understand. So many times I only have H to seek comfort, reassurance from. It’s a twisted position to be in for sure. In the beginning (7 years ago) I told myself that "the one who hurt you is the one who should heal you" I had this thought that if the person who perpetrated the crime was truly remorseful that if they helped to heal you directly then it was the most powerful form of healing. I’m not sure if I was correct?

I think about any other fractured relationship where betrayal played a part. A mom and daughter. If the mom acknowledges her wrongs, really takes accountability and never excuses herself. If she actively works to heal her daughter from her wrongs is that the same thing?

Sometimes I just don’t know anymore.

I am tempted to say, without hesitation, that everything is going to be okay, but I can’t. Honestly, that conclusion, only time and effort (or lack thereof) can supply the answer to your query with any candid certainty.

What I can do is share a little of my journey into the quagmire of infidelity. My wife and I have been engaged in the hard work of reconciliation for over 32 years of our 52-year marriage. (D-day for me was June 1991)

I know it is said here, and elsewhere, that a couple, if willing to do the hard work, can find full reconciliation within a few years give or take. Conversely, it is also staunchly stated here, that "once a cheat always a cheat" and that a betrayed spouse is belittling themselves and wasting precious time if they attempt to work on reconciliation.

I am not challenging these assertions, because these types of conclusions are very personal. I am only sharing that neither of these statements were the case for my wife or for myself.

I think that the question one must ask themselves is, "Is if this person, that betrayed my trust in the cruelest of ways, worth the lost years and anguish that parallels any reconciliation. It is not a simple "I forgive you and will stay with you" and all is well, or "I hate you and divorced you" and now I’m made whole.

What is different these days for us is that the pain and anger has shifted, admittedly with momentary backslidings, to something more along the lines of sorrow and compassion for all involved.

Reconciliation is a humbling experience, (I might go as far as to say more humbling than the affair itself.) but speaking for me only, it was worth every lost moment and the work it took to repair the damage my wife caused. I do not share in the guilt of my wife’s poor decision to cheat but I chose to share in the painful
process of attempting to make whole her, myself and our marriage.

I think Asterisk covered it well.

No guarantees of any kind, but to me, this also applies to life and any other relationship.

Risk versus the reward, well, in my case it worked out.

I can hate why we decided to build a better M, but I do love the result.

As for the trust thing, it sounds to me like your wife needs to keep at it, keep consistent so that there is a time when she says it will be okay, you will believe her.

For me, I have learned that everything is going to be okay is different than everything will work out the way I want or hope.

What decides if everything is going to be okay is a mindset about having confidence in yourself to navigate life. I think some of that comes with age, to know I have survived every single one of my worst days so far. And there have been many horrific things that have happened.

You can and probably will land on your feet. One of the things that has made reconciliation possible for us is realizing that comfort can come in many forms and we have the ability to give it to ourselves.

Hiking hits on a great point here —

What decides if everything is going to be okay is a mindset about having confidence in yourself to navigate life.

The day I knew I would be fine regardless of the outcome, was a good day for me.

Of course, I was told a whole bunch when I first got to SI, to let go of the outcome, but it took me a while to get there.

That’s a big part of trusting yourself again, to know you didn’t cause or deserve what happened to you. That you truly understand that you only ignored the bad signs, because you’re SUPPOSED to see the best in your partner.

Then you can focus on the work that your wife needs to do so you feel okay about re-investing in a potential rebuild of the M.

I remember very early on my WW trying to reassure me it would never happen again. Then she would get frustrated when I couldn’t believe her, at least not fully.

It took months and a lot of work but she now understands. Yes, she should be telling me it will never happen again and that everything will be alright. But, when you completely annihilate your own credibility, any reassurance you offer will be met with skepticism for a long time. That’s part of the price you pay for cheating. You lose your credibility.

That being said, at least she is trying. She should continue to reassure you whenever she can. It’s even more helpful if you don’t have to ask for it. But the reality is that it will be a long time before her comments are fully received and believed.