SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading this forum for some time now, and I want to say how much it has helped me. So many of your stories resonate deeply with me, and they’ve given me some clarity about what I’m going through.

Right now, I feel completely trapped in pain—it’s there when I wake up, and it’s there when I go to bed. A few months ago, my WH left me for the OW. We share a son, and I find myself struggling every single day to cope with the reality of what has happened.

I know, logically, that he isn’t the right person for me—he betrayed me, lied to me, and then walked away. But what breaks me most is looking at my 9-year-old son and realizing that he, too, has been abandoned by his father. That his father chose a new relationship over our family, over our history together—26 years of life, love, and memories since we were just 19. It’s as though all that we shared meant nothing, and he simply stopped loving me and replaced me.

I cry every day, trying hard to hide my emotions from my son, though I know he can sense my pain. I’ve started divorce proceedings because I don’t see another path forward—my WH doesn’t care about me or our marriage, he’s in love with someone else. Meanwhile, I’m left behind with a broken heart.

I do my best each day to hold myself together for my child, but inside I feel shattered into a million pieces. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me. I’ve been attending IC for a few months now; I know the techniques and, in theory, I understand how I should be coping—but the devastation of what he’s done to me, to our family, feels unbearable.

Today I am especially broken, and I believe only those who have walked this same painful path can truly understand. My divorce date hasn’t been set yet, and honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to get through it.

Welcome to SI officially. Because you said you've been reading for some time now, I'll skip the directions on where some good posts are located.

I'm glad you're in IC and learning coping mechanisms. It's difficult when the pain is unbearable. Please give yourself grace during this time. For me, it took about a year before the pain started to subside. It does get better, but it takes time and it seems to take longer than we want or expect.

You have been heard. Sending you strength! One step at a time. One day at a time, you will get through this. Good to see you are in IC. No way around it, you have to grieve the loss of your M and his horrible betrayal. But never forget that his abandoning his family has nothing to do with you. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WH to cheat. He is broken and his own lack of integrity and commitment caused him to cheat. You are the prize.

Do take the time each day to write down self-firming things about yourself. Note the positives, every single day. And do take care of your health and exercise. Go no contact with your WH. Only communicate in writing about custody and financial issues. No contact equals no new hurts. Do not engage with him or argue. He will only try to hurt you. Become a gray rock when you do communicate. You and your son are moving forward. Good luck.

Welcome to this rotten club, mari1999. I'm sorry you're here and for what your WH has put you through. It is such a tremendously painful loss, and deep wounds take a long time to recover from - longer than we ever want - and logic is no help when it comes to pain.

I totally understand feeling that pain is unbearable and wondering how you will get through it. So many tears, it's a wonder our eyeballs don't shrivel up and turn to dust. You must endure it for your son, though, and months (or maybe years - sorry!) from now, you'll be driving in your car one day, and a song will come on, and you'll realize that you feel truly happy again.

Hang in there!

I truly empathize with what you’re going through. You can’t stay like this forever. Try to make some changes — go shopping with friends, hit the gym, go hiking, or do anything that brings you joy.

mari1999

Checking in on you to see how you're doing?

It's hard not to isolate when faced with the barrage of emotions you go through when something like this blindsides your life. Please know you are still in our thoughts, even if we don't see you posting.

Don't hesitate to reach out, as many of us have experienced what you're going through, although everyone's journey is different, and we all are in different stages of healing and coping.

You are safe here and with those that care.

Thank you, Muggle. I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment — and I think he is too. From what I understand, he’s in a new relationship, but for some reason he doesn’t want to agree to an amicable and quick divorce. I had hoped we could keep things civil to avoid years of legal back-and-forth, but he says he needs more time and doesn’t want to proceed right now.

I’ve decided to move forward regardless, as I don’t see any other option — and ultimately, this is my decision, not his. The waiting is really hard, I just want this chapter closed. What I can’t understand is why he keeps making things more complicated after everything that’s already happened. It feels like he’s struggling to let go of control, and my taking that step is provoking resistance.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Imagine this scenario: On a flight to Spain on holiday with your son. All of a sudden the air-pressure drops and the oxygen mask drops down in front of you. Remembering what you have repeatedly heard, you pull one towards you, put it over your nose and mouth and pull on the tube. Then and only then do you grab a mask and do the same for your son.
This doesn’t mean you prioritize yourself over him. I’m guessing if his mask fails you will sacrifice yours for him. But it means you put aside pure emotions and act according to logic that get’s you the best results. After all – had you started out on him you might have passed out before his mask was fully applied – resulting in two fatalities.

This is the sort of attitude you need to apply to your present situation.
Replace fear and emotions with logical, thought-out actions that save you and your son.

Some of those actions aren’t really that hard to think about. It’s to your advantage that you are in the UK where divorce is generally a relatively straightforward process. It’s not unless either one of you has a trust-fund, money in offshore accounts, assets hidden in companies, royalties, inheritances and such that things become complicated. Even then there are tax reports from the last years. I think your fear of a multi-year process are not well founded.

What he can do is refuse to partake. That would be a silly mistake on his behalf, because then all decisions would be based on your requests. He can delay, but he can’t prevent it from happening.

I suggest you find a solicitor. In all instances I would suggest the best you can afford, but if this is a typical married-for-20-years, one-house, two-cars, pension, some savings, some debt... then basically any solicitor that has family-law and divorce on his shingle can do this.

And remember: you don’t need his permission. For all it matters, the first thing he can hear about the coming divorce can be the summons.

I would just proceed with the D especially since he's in another relationship. This is for you to start your new life it doesn't matter what he wants at this point.

Yes, I agree — that’s my plan as well, and my lawyer is already working on it. I don’t particularly care what he wants, but I do wonder why he isn’t interested in speeding things up. After all, he’s the one with a new partner, so you’d think he’d be eager to finalize the divorce, whereas I’m the one actively trying to get this resolved as soon as possible.

but I do wonder why he isn’t interested in speeding things up.

It could be a number of things from control to finances to not being sure HE wants a D. Maybe it's because you initiated it.

It's also possible that in the recesses of his mind, as long as you're not divorced, you are a fall back option for him in case the new relationship doesn't work out. Many waywards are insecure at their core. Your marriage is a safety net. It's also possible that he's high on his new love interest and working on the divorce is too sobering so he's avoiding it. Avoidance is another common feature of waywards.

Mine tried to stall so that we could work on "being friends" before we divorced (as if we couldn't remain friendly and work on actual friendship after a divorce?). I have had to push things forward at every step, too.