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Well, against my better judgement and all the advice from this forum, I gave my WS a chance AGAIN. And AGAIN he blew it. But this time when I said I was done, he tried to kill himself and now he is in an inpatient psych facility almost two hours away (that’s where they had an open bed). I cannot do this anymore. I just can’t. He is a liar and a cheat and he will never change. I cannot believe he did this to our beautiful girls. And it was on my daughter’s birthday weekend, she turned 17. He keeps calling me from the facility saying this is it, rock bottom, and I’ll show you I’m going to change. I keep saying I cannot make you any promises to try again. I cannot do it. And I know it’s all his fault, but I feel like a monster because he was so pathetic in the hospital when I saw him. I just hate him for all of what he has done and I feel like I am not going to make it.

He made his choices and now he gets to deal with the consequences. He put himself in that hospital, you didn't. You gave him multiple chances and he threw them away and now he's hoping that you will once again feel sorry for him

And this is when you don't. If you want to throw him a bone and say you are not completely closed off to the idea of one day possibly maybe reconciling, okay, but I wouldn't extend any hope beyond that

We can only control and be responsible for our own actions. What he decides to do are his decisions, beyond your control

Of course you feel bad. You care for him and he is your children’s father. But you are right - he did this to himself and his children. He is where he needs to be getting the professional help he needs.

He can go work on himself - it will take years - and meanwhile you need to protect yourself and your kids. If he threatens self harm again you call the cops. You cannot handle that - you are not equipped.

Sending support- this is really tough.

What, exactly did he do? How serious of an attempt was it? I ask because this smacks to me as a manipulation tactic. I don't see how losing you could be SO devastating to him if he was given chances, against much better judgement, and blew it anyway.

He took about 12 Effexor which I don’t think is enough to kill but the cops found him becasue a friend had called for a welfare check.

This is tough...
Based on your last posts you seem to have totally given up on this marriage. Doing IHS and you are dating someone else (this having been a trigger in him wanting to reform...).

Friend – as tough as it might sound then IMHO stick to your guns. Talk to his doctor and make it clear that this attempted suicide is not changing your plans. That way the time he’s in a protected environment can be used advantageously to prepare him.
Seriously – Is there any danger for you or the kids seeing as it’s an HIS and he therefore will be around when all hope (for him) is lost? Once again tough: It is time for legal action to keep him away from the house so you have a safe place?
As a cop... I saw too many battered women due to their men loosing what they thought was control.

I'm unconvinced this is truly his rock bottom. I think if you give him yet another chance, he might be on good behavior for a while, maybe a couple of months, then slide right back into the same behavior again. I don't know what happened with you guys in the past, but I suspect this is just a manipulation tactic. He's not really faced any consequences for his actions and really acknowledged the true extent of the damage he's done. You already gave him at least a 2nd chance, if not more, and he threw it away.

Please listen to Bigger!!

Yikes! I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can't imagine.

Does he have any family members he's close with nearby? Is there anyone to whom you can hand him off, so to speak?

I honestly don't have any good wisdom or advice beyond hoping to lend you some strength to follow what you already know is your best path moving forward.

He's hit the "rock bottom" of the pit he dug for himself and wants your company. Perfectly okay to decline that invitation.

I also think Bigger is right about considering proactive measures to ensure yours and the childrens' safety.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:26 PM, Tuesday, September 30th]

Please listen to Bigger. This time he tried to kill himself; what's he's going to do the next time he hits rock bottom?

He's not just a danger to himself but a potential danger to you and your girls.

In the Divorce forum, I told you that he doesn't care about the marriage; he wants to keep control of you. Please start believing us.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:21 PM, Tuesday, September 30th]

I used to sing this song at camp.

Same song, different verse
A little bit louder
And a whole lot worse

It describes him to a tee. He does what he needs to do to manipulate you.

You have the ability to stop this cycle. I’m certain when it no longer works for him he will try something else. And then something else. Because he knows it works. He gets what he wants.

I’m suggesting that you stop feeling sorry for him and getting sucked into his trap.

Only YOU can put a stop to the madness. He won’t change — that’s proven. So therefore YOU need to change. And your first step is to put up some barriers to stop him from getting you to feel sorry for him.

It’s called no contact. Not for any reason. You don’t visit him. You don’t call him. You don’t do anything for him.

AMEN 1st Wife!

And by the way this way of seeing it is very freeing.

Eventually, we BSs need to do some FOO work to see why we "felt sorry for them" for so long, to begin with!
Because users will find people whom they can use. I've had this same kind of experience in my FOO and my current IHS.
Please do not only LISTEN to us, take some PROTECTIVE ACTION for you and your children. Once you get some distance from it you will see the cycle better. Right now he is working to destabilize your resolve to stop the madness as 1st Wife said. Grey Rock!

I am super sad and embarrassed to report that I didn’t listen to anyone in here. I gave him a chance…. Didn’t really change anything I was doing except I did stop seeing the other guy. And my WS has been going to therapy and trying to be better. But he also acquired a dirt track car because evidently that is his dream to race cars and he thinks now is a good time. And to be honest with you… That is the straw. His dream isn’t to fix our relationship the way mine is it’s to race an old piece of shit car round a dirt track. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve been miserable the last two months trying to make things work and things just aren’t getting better. This is my rock bottom. I’m going to stay through Christmas for my kids but come January, I’m seeing a lawyer and starting the process. I don’t know if that will help end my extreme sadness but I have to try something. I feel like I’m drowning in grief.

I'm so very sorry. You have been heard. You should not condemn yourself for giving him a chance. It is human nature, and very difficult to break that bond especially when you have children. Be kind to yourself! Everyone here understands. Keep posting and you will receive good support.

I don’t know if that will help end my extreme sadness but I have to try something. I feel like I’m drowning in grief.

Maybe not immediately, but the sooner you end this EXTREMELY TOXIC relationship, the happier you will be.

It's time for a hard core 180. Get him out of the house immediately, if you can. Reach out to everyone you know who can help and support you (family, friends, neighbors, the mailman, whomever). Tell them everything!

Document EVERYTHING he's done and is doing. Keep a journal of things he says. If you can, buy a VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it all secret and safe.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

I’m going to stay through Christmas for my kids but come January

So just about long enough for him to manipulate you more and soften your resolve? I think, and this is my unprofessional opinion, the sooner you get him out of there the better. For you and your kids. I think this "staying through Christmas for the kids" is a mistake because I can see it turning into "staying until school is out," which turns into "until they graduate," etc, etc.

Gently, and with your best interests at heart, truly -there is hardly ever a "best time" to do something like this. You've already put it off for too long. This is insanity and he clearly isn't capable of changing. Not without A LOT of work and professional help. He seriously needs to fix himself before he can be a safe partner again. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You don't deserve it, but you have to do something to put a stop to this madness.

I’m seeing a lawyer and starting the process.

AdLarue17, this will help. If you're anything like me, you will start to feel more in control of yourself and your life after you talk to a lawyer and start taking steps toward divorce. Not only is control helpful, you will be protecting yourself physically and financially.

If it helps any, a friend of a friend recently admitted that he tried to end his life. He was an alcoholic and extremely depressed. His ex-wife left him after the suicide attempt because she'd been trying to help him for so long and she just couldn't handle him anymore (they also have an older teenaged son). Since then, he joined AA, got sober, and has started making the rounds to "make amends". He understands why the divorce had to happen, and he doesn't hold it against her.

If your WS has truly hit rock bottom as he claims, then he will also (eventually) understand why you had to divorce him and why it was the best choice for everyone.

I told my WS that if he truly wants to change for himself, he will do that even after we're divorced. There are always second chance stories of people reconnecting after divorce. It's rare because most people aren't changing for themselves - they're changing in order to convince the other person to stay with them. That isn't healthy, and it's a lot more likely that they'll relapse. In my case, he has doubled down on all the things I think are bad habits.

Once you're further along into your divorce process, and your WS has accepted that it's really happening, then you'll start to see his true colors emerge. Until then, he is manipulating you into staying with him (not necessarily in a malicious way). I'm sorry that he is causing more pain to your family, especially around the year-end holidays and your daughter's birthday!

I’m going to echo what others have said, because it’s the truth … I don’t see any benefit in waiting until January. It hasn’t helped you, it hasn’t pushed him to change, and it hasn’t helped you heal. You’ve already waited long enough, and all it’s done is keep you stuck in that dreaded limbo nobody wants to be in.

The longer you sit in this, the more time your WH has to pull you back into the same cycle. The guilt, the empty promises, the "I’m trying," — basically, anything that makes you question yourself. This is him keeping you emotionally stuck because it benefits him.

Talking to a lawyer now doesn’t mean you have to follow through tomorrow — it just gives you information, clarity and some sort of sense of control back of your life. It will help you understand your rights, what separation would look like, and what steps would be involved, etc. As we’ve all read on SI many times — that kind of knowledge is empowering.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself at your final straw. He clearly is living in his own world and more focused about his personal enjoyment over focusing and fixing his M. You don’t owe him one more month (or one more minute) of your mental health.